To want to stay home with our daughter

[Autumnmoons]

My husband has landed a new job whilst I am on maternity leave (I am due to return to work in March 2023) and it has more than doubled his income (which was more than my full time wage) - is it unreasonable not return to work? We have survived off statutory mat pay so far and I think it’s manageable financially. My mother and father in law would be our childcare so no additional costs there. My husband is concerned with the cost of living crisis and bills and energy bills rising that it makes more sense for me to return to work so we can be more financially secure. I think we will be fine and I could simply get a new job if not. AIBU?

I took a long second mat leave because I didn't have a job to go back to (started a new job when DC2 was 18 months old). I enjoyed spending time with my kids, but hated not having my own money. I am also a better parent with time away from my children and being at home with a toddler is very different from being at home with a baby.

Going part time was a good compromise for all of us. I've changed field (school hours and term time only), but it is with the proviso I will get something better paid as the kids get older. I think that would be harder to do if I wasn't working at all.

It’s essentially exactly the 60-120k wage difference, nearly bang on ha ha!

I’m concerned about about my pension and savings taking a huge hit (unfair I feel, for SAHMs) as I don’t think this would be viewed as a priority for our household.

I think part time is the best option, I feel any time away isn’t time I want. I’d be more than happy to move back to working once DD at school etc.

I often sympathise with the sole earner and the pressure that they face to be the breadwinner for the household.

Sounds like your husband would rather you had more money as a family to set aside for a rainy day, pay off mortgage etc and not worry about rising energy costs etc

If you push this, are you willing to take on vast majority of mental load and household duties? Would seem unfair otherwise especially if you are planning to use parents for some free childcare so you get downtime regularly.

I would go back to work, at least part time.

I'd personally choose to stay home. Could you compromise and work part time?

It’s easier to work round childcare before they go to school, however, if both sets of parents are happy to cover school holidays etc then that shouldn’t be a problem

Will the new job increase hours at work etc? Will all household stuff fall to you even if you are working full time too? If so, outsource as much as you can afford

It is a lot more tax efficient to have two salaries so you will bring in more than you might superficially think and high salary = a lot of tax.

The other thing is make sure that you agree what is involved in the SAHM role if you go that route

You have plenty of time to think about this. Personally I would not give up the job and look into part time / flexible working on return.
Secondly it is rather likely there will be a recession in the next 12 months or so. All these people with new jobs paying vastly more than before will probably be first to be cut, especially those with under 2 years service as there will be no pay out.
Having been on this sort of rollercoaster for 4 years, it is not something I'd recommend and is the main reason I went back to full time working rather than part time.

But you're not due to return until March. That's a long way off and your baby will be much bigger by then and you'll feel less vulnerable.

Tbh by the time my baby was 10 months I was keen to go back for the adult company and interaction and we needed the £. BUT I went part time, and so did my DH. That helped massively.

Second time I took extended leave until my baby was 14 months, could something like that be a compromise? Would you be returning to your old role? Are there plenty of jobs in your area?

If it were YOU who had double the pay, would you be ok returning full time and your DH be at home? If not, why not?

Have you considered part time as a compromise

SAHP really only works if you are both on board and he clearly isn’t.

Can you compress hours or ask for flexible working? Otherwise maybe look for a part time job if it isn’t possible in this industry.

It is a lot more tax efficient to have two salaries so you will bring in more than you might superficially think and high salary = a lot of tax.

This is a really good point. Because I'm part time my salary is well under the higher rate tax bracket whereas if my DH got an equivalent pay rise he'd be paying 40% on it - AND we'd lose child benefit. That's quite a chunk.

I think the most important thing is that you make a decision jointly with your husband. If I was bin your circumstances, with willing grandparents on hand, I'd go part time.

Well you can't just decide not to go back to work but if he was up for it, could you go back part time?

I did this for a number of reasons, but mainly being I wanted to keep myself in employment in some way and not be entirely dependant on DH or have a big employment gap.

This is not his burden to solely bear. Both parties have to be happy for one not to work.

Aside from that, you should never become dependent on someone else to outright support you financially, if you don’t have to.

So many horror stories of when this goes wrong. You don’t think it can, but it may and then you are up the Swanee without a paddle.

I'm (mostly) a SAHM and I don't find it boring. I'm not desperate for adult company because I have friends and we go out and do things with our kids together. We are all different and what suits one doesn't suit another.

OP could you get a different job which is very part time. I work one half day a week freelancing and it brings in a bit of extra money, makes me feel less guilty for buying things for myself and keeps my skills up for when I return to work. Depends on your skills and areas of interest obviously, but even something like a few evenings working in a shop might be beneficial?

I would take a couple of years with my daughter.

You will have enough money, more than usual actually. The opportunity is there and you are very lucky to even have the option.

Spending time raising your children is something you won't regret.

I’d be wary of planning parents will help with childcare reliably or long term.

I already do the vast mental and house load, so no change there.

Grandparents (M/FIL) wouldn’t be CC unless I was at work, my daughter would stay with me otherwise. They are lovely people, it’s not about them looking after. More than I want to

Has to be a joint decision and he's clearly not up for all the pressure on him, which is totally fair. I wouldn't give up a job nor want to be a SAHM, dependent on another person for income. Also pension etc, let alone the benefits of work personally (headspace, being your own person, fulfilment etc).
Don't make any decisions now. Go back and see how it goes. Consider part time in the future if you find it hard. Your baby is only small, you may feel differently later.

Yep, if you can get your husband fully on board, go for it. Your kids are only little once, and money comes and goes.

Can you go back part time? I would if you could.

I have extended leave, my baby is 7 months old nearly.

Plenty of jobs in the area, I could return to my old job or hopefully PT in a lesser paid role.

I suppose part of my sadness is that yes, were it reversed I would be happy to be the breadwinner and have DH stay home if that was the dynamic we had. That’s more my nature than DH however, I’d prefer our baby with a parent full time (he’s very loving and hands on so not a problem) I just don’t think he would cope with the day to day grind of baby care.

I think part time, if doable, works really well. I originally went back 3 days a week for my first year back and then went to 4 days (and my partner dropped to 4 days).

I find looking after a toddler very different from a baby. I love her and spending time with her but I also enjoy my working days!

I wouldn't give up work, especially when he's just starting out with this big promotion. What if it doesn't work out or he hates it?

I also think staying in work for now sets the precedent of a big job not meaning he gets away with no drop offs or pick ups or can go straight out for beer after work with no discussion, like so many of the threads you see here.