To want to stay home with our daughter

[Autumnmoons]

My husband has landed a new job whilst I am on maternity leave (I am due to return to work in March 2023) and it has more than doubled his income (which was more than my full time wage) - is it unreasonable not return to work? We have survived off statutory mat pay so far and I think it’s manageable financially. My mother and father in law would be our childcare so no additional costs there. My husband is concerned with the cost of living crisis and bills and energy bills rising that it makes more sense for me to return to work so we can be more financially secure. I think we will be fine and I could simply get a new job if not. AIBU?

If you won't be financially worse off then do it.
Best thing I ever did, think it would have killed me having someone else looking after mine, and me missing all their milestones.

I would go PT rather than give up entirely, especially if your husband isn't 100% behind it. If he's going to resent being the sole earner, you may find yourself in a fairly unpleasant situation with limited access to money. Besides, long-term it makes sense to avoid a situation where you're entirely responsible for the children and house, as it's very difficult to change this once it becomes entrenched even if you do then go back to work.

Firstly, nobody has said that. Some women actually want to work.
Secondly, you can't unilaterally decide that someone else has to support you financially. Both parents have to be on board.

Thank you for this message, I appreciate it. Yes, what about my resentment? You’ve encapsulated it so well. Money can come (and go, I know) but my time with my daughter cannot.

I understand all the other comments and thank you for them all but this one hits deep.

For the sake of your own self esteem I would work, even part time. I was a sahm and it slowly crushed my self esteem. If I had my time again I would work two or days a week.

I felt it had a similar effect on fellow sahm's and those who worked seemed to sail through those years.

Obviously you might be different But I work now and even though, at times, there aren't enough hours in the day I am happier and my younger children are more self sufficient.

Personally I'd go back part time, if for no other reason than to preserve my sanity! 😂

Unless you are shipping your children off and never seeing them again you don't miss milestones just because you are working.

@Autumnmoons bookmark this thread and read it when your DC is in school or older.

I’m concerned about about my pension and savings taking a huge hit (unfair I feel, for SAHMs) as I don’t think this would be viewed as a priority for our household

Why is this unfair?

You would be bonkers to be 100% financially reliant on someone else. Nobody thinks they’ll get divorced, or their partner will become too unwell work, etc - but disasters happen all the time.

There is no way I’d leave myself this vulnerable.

I stopped working for 5 years when my daughters were small, we managed to get by financially and honestly I'm so glad I did. Was the best time ever with my children .

I went back into work with a small climb but I've managed it and work PT now getting the best of both.

I would have probably had to think harder in the current climate but was the best decision for our family

Five years ago there were no working parents on my team. Now 14 out of 16 are working parents. Someone has to do it first.

Brookstar if a career is that inflexible that someone could not take out one /two/three years to raise your own child to a verbal level where they can tell you about their day then it's not a career I would choose or choose not to have children

And that's your choice.
Others choose differently.

It's not unreasonable to point out that being a SAHP could have an impact on your long term career progression and earnings. It's about making an informed decision.

It makes much more sense to work part time, as getting back to work after a few years out can be very hard. You were also planning on going back anyway until your DH got his new job, so rather unfair to go back on that.

It's easy for you to say that you'd be happy to reverse the roles if you were the higher earner, because you know that's not on the cards. You might feel very differently if you were actually faced with this choice.

If your DH isn't happy with being the sole breadwinner, and doesn't think there would be sufficient value in having one parent at home to warrant such an arrangement, then there isn't really a decision to be made. He isn't willing to support you being a SAHP and so you need to go back to work. Or split and do it as a single parent.

Non working parents (predominantly mothers) take a huge hit to pension contributions etc that their husbands / partners don’t. My husband will continue to fill up his pension while mine sits dormant, even part time I will take a bit to contributions. It’s a huge issue I feel, women are almost punished financially overall for being the main childcare if they don’t return to work FT

@Rubyupbeat i was thinking that, haven’t missed a milestone. DD enjoyed Childminder PT and did 4 days a week in lead up to school. We now have a house my work has paid for rather than the instability of renting (which we did for years), she has holidays and activities etc (I’m not talking the big, flashy stuff but being able to provide it and not have to be super creative doing everything with no ££).

Even if it was me or dh that was the mega earner I would lose respect for him if he didn’t have something that drove or focussed him. And if he decided to stay at home I would know that that lack of focus would drip feed for years to come.

It’s not all or nothing with work and parenting. Although you will have financially nothing if you don’t work at least part time!!

Your husband needs to pay into a private pension for you if you aren't working.

What kind of profession is he in on that wage? Being nosey lol.

I don't work DH does. But I've lots of illnesses too. Wish I had my own money.

We have survived off statutory mat pay so far and I think it’s manageable financially.

You think, but you don't know. Your husband is right, with the cost of living rising, it's better to have 2 incomes when possible. He doesn't want to be the sole earner and I can't blame him, it's a lot of weight on his shoulders.

@Autumnmoons I felt like this when my leave ended in May but I went back to work part time and I love it, it really is the best of both worlds. Is there a chance you could do that?

Maybe your husband just doesn't want to be the only one who contributes financially to the family. It puts a lot of pressure on him.
How about you go back part time and he works part time, and he gets to spend time with his family whilst you make some money. Why should you be the only one to enjoy time with your daughter?

I would feel very guilty staying at home all day whilst my partner worked full time.

If he’s ok with it then I’d look into going PT for now.

Being a SAHP has its own problems as although it’s lovely and you get to spend more time with your child. You end up becoming ‘just a mum’ and have no purpose in life - as someone like you who is used to working FT then I think you’d find that aspect quite difficult.

The flip side to that though is some partners expect the person who works PT to do everything else like cooking and cleaning etc as well, which can build a lot of resentment.

I’d try PT then increase/decrease your hours depending on how you feel.

Well yes, what do you think should happen? Do you think your former employer should continue paying into your private pension whilst you’re a SAHM? Don’t forget you still get free NI contributions from the state whilst your child is young.

This is why it’s essential to be married if going to SAH, so that the working parents pension is part of the marital pot in the event of a split.

@brookstar I don’t know who the original owner is of the comment you quoted but I would love to know which magical and mystical company they work for.

I have a good work and life balance where I am. Flexible for men and women. It’s always worth searching out the places that offer it.