To want to stay home with our daughter

[Autumnmoons]

My husband has landed a new job whilst I am on maternity leave (I am due to return to work in March 2023) and it has more than doubled his income (which was more than my full time wage) - is it unreasonable not return to work? We have survived off statutory mat pay so far and I think it’s manageable financially. My mother and father in law would be our childcare so no additional costs there. My husband is concerned with the cost of living crisis and bills and energy bills rising that it makes more sense for me to return to work so we can be more financially secure. I think we will be fine and I could simply get a new job if not. AIBU?

I love the drama here in this comment, it’s a lot before 9am 😂

I earn a reasonable wage, on par with DH before his new role so it wasn’t always me staying home. We discussed and decided it would be me. We know each other’s strengths and endless patience isn’t DHs, he is kind and loving but appreciates his work ‘break’ I assure you. I know it’s hard to get a sense of someone on a post on MNs but truly, I would have been fine to be the BW and for DH to be the primary parent at home with our DD

Firstly many mothers feel daunted at the end of mat leave about leaving their babies but it passes. Having your own career - and a few hours of adult time! Can be very refreshing. And the baby wil be fine. If you do stay off your husband has to be 100% on board - imagine how you’d feel if this was reversed and he was pressuring you to stay at home when you didn’t want to. ALSO you say you do most of the mental load now which is to sone extent inevitable on leave. If you don’t go back to work things will stay like that, you will be solely in charge of DC and he may well work late, do business trips etc whenever he needs to without consulting you or thinking of the impact on you and given that he’s be the full earner who would blame him? So in a few years if you did want to make a change and work you’ll find you are shouldering all school / home/ social/ food issues as well as working and that’s a tide that is hard to turn. Babies are to an extent straight forward - hard but it’s contained work. Children and young adults have different needs. Good luck with the decision !

I left a very successful career when my DC (twins) were born and I've never regretted it. The time I've had to spend with them is so precious, and no job could ever compensate for this. I was able to drop them off and collect them from school every day, go to assemblies, sports days etc without a problem. I've loved it and wouldn't change a thing.

I have worked full-time over these years though. I decided to become self-employed so I've been able to work around my children. It's been hard at times but I've been doing this for 12 years now and I'd never go back. I earn enough to pay my mortgage and my bills. It's given me the best of both worlds - my own financial security plus the time with my DC.

Maybe you could look into something like this as a compromise between the two options?

DH and I have been through 3 redundancies between us over the last 7 yrs, last time DH was made redundant he was out of work for 2 years. The stress was unimaginable and his MH really suffered, he ended up on anti-depressants (unsurprisingly). I was very glad we had my income plus our savings to see us through, I also value building my own savings and pension, so it wouldn't be for me.

If it's something you do decide to do though, I'd suggest you work hard at building up at least a years worth of savings, the general rule of thumb is that for each £10k p.a. you earn, it takes a month to find another job. So at £120k, it could take him a year. We're on the brink of a major recession, the Bank of England are forecasting unemployment will jump from the current rate of 3.8% to 6.25% in Q3 2025 and he will be vulnerable in a new job with under 2 years service.

OP it’s kind of a moot point. Your husband doesn’t want to be the sole earner and to pay for you not to work. You don’t get to decide that someone else will fund your life if they’re not on board, so this isn’t an option for you. Attempting to force him into it will only end badly.

The fact that you already carry more than your fair share of the household and mental load is another issue. That’s one thing while you’re on mat leave if you’re getting on ok and coping well with the baby. But when you go back to work make sure it’s 50/50. He can’t have it both ways, the earnings of a working wife and the benefits of a stay at home wife too.

You giving up your job puts a lot of pressure on DH as the sole earner. You also miss out on career development, pension, holiday/sick pay, socialisation, etc (there's more to work than work).
With DH's huge salary increase (congrats btw, that's an epic promotion!), would he have the option to reduce his hours a little? What if he dropped from working five days per week to four days, and you returned part time. You would both benefit from working less, both spending more time with your baby, still financially better off than pre-pay rise.

OP this would be a big red flag to me anyway, couple that with no independent income? I would not leave yourself that vulnerable and think about the good social interaction your DC would have before having to navigate reception/school.

The world is going tits up. I wouldn't suggest anyone gives up a perfectly decent job right now.

Having gone through the baby stages and come out the other side, being a parent at home all day with kids (I had two in 2 years) is absolutely relentless and it was nice to have something outside of that sometimes. I worked part time evenings in a police control room when my kids were little and sometimes honestly, that was respite after a day with two toddlers!

You need to be realistic as well about getting back into work if you do leave. A 5 year gap is a lifetime in the workplace.

After seeing what several SAHM friends went through when their relationships broke down there's no way I'd make myself financially reliant on a man.

Again, why do so many veer into the harsh on these forums? My DH enjoys our DD the exact right amount. He knows long days of sole care are not for him. This isn’t a character flaw of his - just the facts. He is a fantastic parent, but 7 days a week all day long (alone) isn’t for him. It’s for me though, I love it. He isn’t missing out, he does lots of fun and fantastic things with her when he isn’t at work. I enjoy even the mundane days with DD. Some mums wouldn’t, some dads do. It’s just what works for us

Also if your DH is a high earner he will be attractive to other women. You might think your DH would never do that but everyone thinks that! I’ve seen it happen to lots of my friends/colleagues.

Fucking hell!

I was in a similar place to you decades ago. Hey husband was a big earner and it made financial sense.

So I chose to leave my work to raise my family.

With hindsight I should have stayed and paid into my pension, I should have used some of his huge income to source and train up a nanny for the children. I should never ever have given up my independence and further earning potential.

That's the advice I would give to my younger self. You don't have to work full time, but you should carry on in the workplace. Even if it's just two days a week.

Exactly.
It would be career suicide for me to take 3/4 years out BUT I have a very flexible job which is worth it's weight in gold.

I have never missed an assembly, sports day etc. We only use wrap around care 3 days a week so I get to do drop off and pick ups twice a week.

There will be numerous posts on this thread saying that if you work you'll miss out on milestones and school events. That's not necessarily true. Lots of work places are pretty flexible especially if you've worked there a while and proved yourself or have progressed to a senior level.

As i say every time: If your husband is ok with all the pressure (especially now) of being the sole earner, if you will have your own money for discretionary spending, if you are having pension contributions, if you can agree an equitable split of housework and childcare, what happens when you are sick? an agreement on use of the car (or do you have good public transport etc)

Frankly? i loathed being a SAHM so much. But that is on me. But what if your DH gets a burn out? and can't cope any more with the pressure of being sole earner? what if he gets his head turned and your marriage breaks down? or worse?

Fair in what sense? For me to nurture and care for our daughter? Childcare is not a secondary position to a breadwinner in the household IMO in terms of ‘value’

Also if your DH is a high earner he will be attractive to other women. You might think your DH would never do that but everyone thinks that! I’ve seen it happen to lots of my friends/colleagues.

He'll be earning120 k. He's not a multimillionare FFS.

He has made it clear that he doesn't want to be the sole breadwinner. Why do you think you can force him into funding a lifestyle choice that he doesn't seem to want or value?

You say "it's just what works for us", and if it actually worked for both of you, that would be fine. However, it clearly doesn't work for him because he doesn't want you to be the sole breadwinner. So what you're actually saying is that it would work for you personally, and he should just suck it up.

I think as part of a long term plan it would be ok, if your DH is on board. I stayed off work longer than my maternity, I had put money aside in advance. I always planned to and did eventually return to work.

If your DH feels you may not cope financially than what about part time work in a different field. Believe me you will likely want a break no matter how much you love your little one.

I’m concerned about about my pension and savings taking a huge hit (unfair I feel, for SAHMs)

arghh. You claim Child Benefit. You don't get money but you get your statutory pension contributions.

If you're talking about taking a huge hit to a private pension - why do you think so many of us work? and again all this talk of "missing milestones" - utter piffle. Or is this going to turn into yet another working outside the home mothers bashing thread (or SAHM bashing thread, I'm not sure)

If there are no working parents in your team then it seems to me it would be a good time to give that tree a shake?

Yabu on multiple fronts

Firstly your DH isn't for it, so it's likely to build resentment. Both parties need to be 100% aligned for this to work

Secondly you'll be financially reliant on someone else - never a good position to be in

Thirdly think of the impact on your child themselves. I personally really benefited to seeing my mother work hard and enjoy it too, it's what drove me to have a career myself. Most of my friends growing up who had a mother working part time or being a SAHP have much lower aspirations for themselves.

Remember also, doubling a salary from £60k to £120k doesn't come anywhere near doubling take home pay.

The whole increase will be in the higher tax band and he'll lost virtually all his personal tax allowance, meaning he pays effectively 60% tax on some of that.

He'll be lucky to take home about 1.5 x his current amount once all deductions are considered.

Not necessarily a tree that needs shaking. It might just be that no one is at that life stage. In my team everyone either hasn't had kids yet or has adult DC. A couple if years ago we had someone part time with DC but she got a promotion to a different team.

I assure you, he certainly will be. When I gentle dropped this in, I saw his eyes widen at the idea of it all. He will be on board but his life is certainly going to change when / if I return to work, even PT.

The huge increase in WFH has also made lots of work much more flexible. I can do drop offs/assemblies/sports fixtures etc much more easily than I could pre pandemic. Our combined incomes have also meant we can put 2 DC though private school, which isn't something everyone wants, or is right for their DC, but worth considering before you give up work. With a combined income of £180k it's just about feasible, on £120k, it probably isn't.

If you want to stay home and look after your daughter, and you can afford to, then follow your mothers instinct and stay and look after your daughter. You won't get these early years back.... you can get back to work when your little one is older. Staying home and looking after your child is as full on as working full time (in fact arguably much harder) but you are providing your daughter with the only thing she really wants (you). Nursery can be tough for mother and child. Go for it x