To want to stay home with our daughter

[Autumnmoons]

My husband has landed a new job whilst I am on maternity leave (I am due to return to work in March 2023) and it has more than doubled his income (which was more than my full time wage) - is it unreasonable not return to work? We have survived off statutory mat pay so far and I think it’s manageable financially. My mother and father in law would be our childcare so no additional costs there. My husband is concerned with the cost of living crisis and bills and energy bills rising that it makes more sense for me to return to work so we can be more financially secure. I think we will be fine and I could simply get a new job if not. AIBU?

@rainbowmilk I’m not a sahm but I think you’re being a bit harsh to say there is no societal benefit. At our school, my child benefits from the sahps who come into read, help with trips, organise the PTA etc. There are lots of sahps with older children who volunteer, provide caring support etc.

There is obviously a balance but I don’t think it’s true to say there is no societal benefit.

Christ people can be awful.

OP, your scenario happened to me. I have relished the time with my babies, despite giving up a great job (sorry not sorry mumsnet). I get that it's not for everyone, but it is for me.

And I trust the man that I married so I feel comfortable in this position. Not everything is worst case scenario in life!

Helping out on class trips and the PTA is not a societal benefit, nor is it exclusive to SAHMs as WOHMs also do these things. Volunteering is a societal benefit but it’s not exclusively provided by SAHMs and therefore is not a reason to place societal value on them over anyone else. You can say the same of part time workers who do PTA and volunteer work, but there isn’t a societal benefit to part time workers that would justify them getting a topped up works pension from the state.

I’m not being harsh, but as I said previously I find SAHMs tend to overestimate their benefit to wider society, rather than just saying it’s what suits their family, and therefore will come up with strange ideas like being financially compensated by the state.

We are entering (have entered) a period of intense economic uncertainty and there is no guarantee that your husband will keep his job. Secondly, if you give up work the balance of power between you and your DH will change. When I was on extended mat leave it became expected that I would do everything-housework, life admin - renewing insurance, booking dental appointments, and all sorts of other boring things - cooking, etc. and you basically become the hired help. It was so tedious. Third, your DH is not supportive (this is really important), and finally you will lose out on pensions and promotions. In your shoes I would try to negotiate part time with your DH - 3 days a week, for example, for a few years. At least that way your skills and expertise will remain up to date.

As your husband is worrying about the financial side of things then I would drop down to part time.

Aww thank you! That's what I'm hoping :) plus it will only be 3 days per week every other week (study day as I'll be doing a postgraduate qualification whilst working) I'm going to study at night and see my little one during the day!

Glad you've come to an agreement! Sounds like you've got a great relationship x

My husband encouraged me to give up work after our second child, which I compromised with and went down to a 10 hour contract.
He walked out when they were 2 & 4.
Please don't compromise your own financial future, I had to rapidly go from working 2 short days a week, to 50 hours just to make ends meet.

whatever the decision, it needs to be a joint one - you'd be better off discussing it with DH rather than here.

i never planned on being a SAHM but I felt anxious about leaving my baby (now babies) too. My DH is a good earner and we share everything and there’s no “asking for money” or whatever.
I’m now a few years in and honestly I’ve never regretted it for a moment. You won’t get the time back with them.
mumsnet is so anti SAHM but to me they just sound money obsessed? I had a good “high earner” job before and I wouldn’t care if I couldn’t get that back if DH and I split up? I’m choosing to do it because I love being with my children - not because I’m hoping to be some kind of lady who lunches with someone else’s money.
mid you guys did split up or whatever in the future you’d never revere being with your child if that’s what you really wanted? People would only regret it if they did it for other reasons?

This!! If anything goes wrong with your marriage, you would be in so much trouble.
Also what if you husband loses his job/ gets injured or ill? You are also responsible for the child, including financial security of that child.

So many ‘what ifs’ - what if your child starts school and you regret not being home…what if child is suddenly 16 and you think you’ve missed out in loads of of their childhood? You need to do what you want and what feels right to you in the moment, whatever that is! You will know in your gut

I couldn't think of anything more unattractive than a SAH partner. I find it bewildering that those on MN think posters who dislike the concept of SAHP must be 'jealous'. I could not think of anything worse. Mind numbingly boring and in all honesty, quite lazy. I would lose all respect for a partner with no career goals or ambition, it's not the 1920s anymore.

I've been a SAHM for 20 years. Absolutely brilliant! No regrets whatsoever. 'Kids" are now 19 (off to uni soon), 17, 15, 12. Very grateful to my husband and he's very grateful to me. We have lived the lives of our choosing and supported each other to do so. Of course I'm not bored. Who would I be? No I'm not financially vulnerable. either. My husband has made a lot of money over the years. It was worth supporting him. Yes he could have done it in his own, but not had a family as well. We didn't want to use childcare. No thanks - not for us. Everything is family money. We have invested for our future and the kids. That's it really. Nothing to see here and I couldn't give a hoot what anyone in here thinks, I very much doubt I'd swap lives with them, put it that way. I know loads of families such as ours and those marriages have lasted far more than the average. That my observation. As a pp said above - "Sorry not sorry." Live your own lives. Some women are SAHMs and they're doing great - get over it.

I have always been a stay at home mum (twins now almost 16). Having watched the other mothers at school eventually get jobs - one thing I would say to you is it’s not about the money I think. It sounds like you have a career / good job. Don’t assume you can take a few years off and pick up where you left off. You’ll be going up against candidates who didn’t have a break. Plus some mums I know who tried to get their careers back had to take on very full time roles to show they were valuable employees and then cross fingers they could ask to go part time. If you have an established employer you could ask to go part time now you will be in a stronger position.
also at 7 months you are in the honeymoon phase with a new baby and still have lots of hormones. If you had a career you might find you eventually need some mental stimulation and adult company.
I think it’s really important you consider part time to keep your options open. You could always quit part time if after a while you really think you want to be a SAHM but it’s harder to reverse that decision if you leave your job now

It’s not unreasonable to want to stay home longer but it’s not an option unless the person bankrolling it is on board.

I imagine that with such a big increase in salary there are more expectations in terms of responsibilities and working hours? A good discussion will be needed on how you will manage that around your shared parental responsibilities of hands on childcare and financial provision for your child.

It may be that you working part time works best for him also if he is honest about what hands on contribution he’ll be able to make.

@denvi

what do you do all day?
when your teens are are at school?
u not get bored?
what stimulates your brain?

Why are you still a SAHM out of interest? Your youngest is old enough to walk home from school and look after themselves a bit.

My only advice is be open to your feelings changing- babies are lovely, toddlers are hellish. Part time working I found ideal (not that it was sustainable for us)- but you get that adult time, that break and still have time with your child in the week. Good luck with whatever u decide

@denvi this makes me laugh…is the only thing you do to stimulate your brain work?? If so you must have a seriously challenging job! Lots of people do things like read (even challenging works!) write, do courses, study, take a keen interest in particular subjects, crafts, paint, play/write music…the list goes on

Exactly this! Why does everything have to be worst case scenario? Perhaps just do what you want and enjoy the life you have 😊

@Foxglovers

reading and playing music is not anything like working!

In my experience it's totally normal to dread returning to work when on mat leave. The idea of leaving LO with anyone else is so upsetting. However, having done this 3 times I can honestly say that it is also nice to go back to work and use the brain in a different way again!
Would you not have to return all your occupational mat pay if you weren't to return? Most contracts would require you to return to work for a certain period before leaving I thought.
Go part time and you can always increase your hours or look for another job when child(ren) are older.
Good luck!

@LuckySantangelo35 you asked what stimulates her brain…although perhaps you haven’t read the kind of things I’m talking about…anyway…in my job I was earning £120k + good bonus and I was definitely bored 70% of the time…not saying that for all jobs of course…I wasn’t a research scientist or a top barrister for instance.

anyway - if you find your children boring that’s fine. I take it the OP doesn’t as she wants to be off with them…perhaps she’s looking forward to playing with them, days out, teaching them and watching them develop -those sorts of things? Definitely rewarding and perhaps then she can also find time for further intellectual challenges if she wants…work isn’t the only place to get those.
glad your job is so intellectually stimulating!! Enjoy it 😊

"what do you do all day?

when your teens are are at school?

u not get bored?

what stimulates your brain?"

Honestly, I'm never bored. I don't know what to tell you really - the day is what you make it, I guess? Every day is different. I think my brain would be less stimulated if I was working to be honest because I'd have less time to read about things that interest me. I'm involved in quite a lot of fundraising. Over the years I've done a masters p/t out of interest and learned another language. I've done a lot with my kids educationally. One is going to Oxford and, over the last year, we've have a lot of debates and about his subject and I've become quite interested in it myself! I've learned loads through supporting my kids in their various interests and education - particularly as they get older. My husband works very flexibly and mainly from home so he's often around; but also he's often overseas. We have quite a lot of pets and this is a part of my life that I very much value too. I have lots of friends who don't work either, so I don't feel isolated in this respect. I do my fitness things. I love walking. I've renovated some flats over the years. I've renovated two of our own houses. I've learned glassblowing which I love. I've helped out with ballet classes for younger kids (a friend runs classes locally). I trained as a yoga teacher (though haven't actually taught this yet, but I may do). I do a lot of entertaining and I love doing this. But some days, I just like to go to a cafe and read or walk down the Thames and be alone. After four kids and a busy house, the novelty of having 'me time' hasn't worn off I suppose. As I get older, I value time more than anything else. I've done. a lot for my family over the years. I've been there for them all, every single day, and I feel no guilt whatsoever about carving my own space out at almost 50.

And why on earth would one person work a highly stressful job to bankroll their DW who spends their time painting and playing music?