Son’s GF following him on his University year abroad, AIBU to advise against this?

[Mumwithsons]

My son, 19 is on a University course which has a year abroad, it’s a great opportunity and I’m really excited for him. He’s been living at home whilst going to Uni (normal for my region) so great to be a bit more independent.

He had a girlfriend from the start of summer, who was working here as a waitress, she’s told him last month that she has a job in a restaurant in the city to where he’s going next year. I’ve helped him with finances, and he turned down the really good University accommodation last month, which had loads of social events also, for a small flat quite far from the University. I could not understand why he was adamant that he wanted a flat, but now I realise this must be to do with his girlfriend. She is also very exclusive, doesn’t like any of his friends at Uni.

He is supposed to be spending time with his family and friends in this last week, and his girlfriend was back in her home country, but she’s come down at the last minute before he leaves.

I feel really uncomfortable. I spoke to my son and he’s quite defensive. I suggested meeting up with both of them this week and might speak up about my concerns. I know it wont’ change much, but I feel sad as this all seems very much driven by the girlfriend. AIBU to speak up?

I don't think you should meet them both and discuss it, he's 19 and an adult. If you was my mum I would probably tell you to keep your beak out as harsh as that sounds.

Your son is old enough to make his own choices, his own mistakes even and you have to let him make those decisions for himself

Oh dear. This spells disaster… is his year abroad language related? If he goes and doesn’t immerse himself in the country, he will not come back at all linguistically improved. But either way, he will need to make friends whilst on his year abroad and settle in. My advice would be for him to go first and her to join him once he has his university schedule sorted, flat checked out (depending where he’s going, it might be better to look in person for agreeing a tenancy) presuming he could fall back on the university in the meantime (and she couldn’t)… a short term gf going on a year abroad is absolutely fine IF she will be supportive of his efforts to integrate.

He's an adult so it's his business, and it'll probably drive him away more if you interfere.

I can understand your concerns btw, as pp have mentioned if the idea of the year abroad is about immersion in the language and culture then it's going to be harder for him with his gf there and living further out from uni

The gf may be the driving force in this but honestly, unless you have reason to believe she's actually being coercive and controlling him, then you need to mind your own business

Ugh, I wouldn’t be thrilled either. She sounds suffocating. Not sure there’s much you can do though.

YANBU

I did a year abroad & boyfriend came to visit couple of times. We're now married. This was back in the early 90s so the only way to communicate was via letter. Nowadays it's so much easier to keep in touch - FaceTime for example.

It's a shame he's going to be in a flat out of the way as he won't be as involved as he would in halls.

I don't know what to suggest though. Can she speak the language where they are going?

Be careful with what you say, when my DS had his first gf, they were a bit younger, but it soon became apparent that they thought they knew everything and wouldn’t take any advice. GF mother said we just have to be there for them and be there if it goes wrong, which it did 3 years later, I did try and tell them they needed their own space and time on their own with other friends, which they did, but this, in turn, caused problems.

I would try to speak to him again so that he understood the decision he was making in a more rounded way. I would approach it by saying that it's his life, his decision, but here are the things I have observed & this is why I'm concerned. As an older adult, it is easier to see other people motives.

I would be unhappy with this too. It would make me reconsider any financial assistance I was providing as I would be concerned that I would be subsidising her too, but without my agreement. I would also be concerned that she has no life of her own at this early stage of her life.

I would ignore the 'he's an adult' comments.

I wouldn't be all that happy about it as I think he'd have a richer and fuller experience doing it on his own- but he's an adult so I would bite my tongue (unless they asked for advice).

Yes the whole point of this year is to immerse himself in the local culture and language, and they also want students to form bonds and connections internationally with each other. They even say this in the grant application. His GF does not speak the local language.

He had a girlfriend from the start of summer, who was working here as a waitress, she’s told him last month that she has a job in a restaurant in the city to where he’s going next year.

Has she really though? I’d be suspicious of that.
I agree there isn’t much you can do. No point having a sit down with them both. Tell your DS how you feel but that you accept and respect his choices - but that he should also make sure he keeps stocked up on condoms, because although you are willing to support with the accommodation this year you are not footing any future baby bills should she ‘forget her pill’. She sounds like a suffocating crazy cake, I doubt it will take him long to come round.

^
I would ignore the 'he's an adult' comments.^

Why? He is an adult. To ignore that is to be as suffocating as the gf sounds. I'd have been very pissed off if my parents had tried to tell me where to live and what to do once I was an adult. Cut the financial assistance if you want, but FGS don't think you can disrespect him by trying to make decisions for him

My husband did languages and had a year abroad in our third year.

I couldn't go with him because of uni but it's a really bad bad idea for her to go with him.

DH's languages improved so much by him being there. He was working for both placements rather than at uni and that helped him even more.

Was it hard for me? Yes, I missed him loads but I loved flying out to go and see him in reading week. Some of my best holidays that year were going to visit him.

You can't stop them as they are adults, but I would tell him to really reconsider his plans. If they are meant to be they will last the separation.

DH and I met at 19 and had been together just over a year when he went. We've been together almost 20 years now and married for 11.

Tbh you sound a bit controlling. It’s his relationship. You probably wouldn’t have liked your parents butting in on yours when you were that age. Leave them to it and it will work itself out. Get involved and you will forever be cast as interfering in both their eyes.

Your concerns are valid and I'd have the same concerns. However at his age I'm not sure talking to him is going to help. 19yr olds think they know it all and you'll end up the bad guy.

I’d feel exactly the same, yes he may be an adult but he’s also a young student who won’t be doing the course properly if he’s mainly limiting himself to interacting with his girlfriend. The girl friend sounds controlling as you say she doesn’t like any of his friends.

He really regret doing this when hes older and looks back.

Privately, I would share your concerns, but you have to respect his choices

I wouldn't eg pay extra for a flat when he has the offer of suitable accommodation. If ths flat is more expensive, that's up to them to fund it

What's the immigration position? Will his GF be eligible to work there?

If their relationship becomes long term, you dont want them thinking you were unsupportive from the outset

His GF does not speak the local language

How did she get the job?

Whatever else happens about the relationship, living where and so on is moot. If she doesn't have the language and is completely dependent on him, that makes this a very bad idea.

This was me.

I had a year abroad at university when I was 18. I had started going out with this guy, for about 5 months. We were at that infatuated stage with each other. So he came with me. My mum warned against it, so did his mum.

we’ve been together 17 years and have 2 children now.

I’d feel exactly the same and as a parent I think it’s a bad idea. However, he is an adult and has to make his own choices so you need to be careful what you say to him.

I'd hate one of my DC's year abroad to be hijacked like this. But it's him who's losing out on the whole experience. You've told him how you feel, but I think that's all you can do now. However, when it all goes tits up and he phones to tell you, I'd be tempted to just reply "oh really?"

Yes, he's your child, and you're worried about him - BUT, he is a young adult, whether you like it or not. I work with students, and the number of parents (mothers, usually) that contact us, because they're concerned about this or that.... but they are 18+ - largely - and legally have to be left to make their own decisions. Of course, you can tell him you're concerned, and why, however, ultimately it has to be his decision.

For what it's worth, it all sounds like a terrible idea for his GF to go too, especially in the circumstances. Maybe it will all blow over, and he'll be seeking to move into Halls by Xmas.... or maybe they will get married, after having the most amazing time. Who knows....?

All you can do is support him; but please don't try to make his decisions for him. It's likely to really affect your relationship.

Ok so I’m hearing that you don’t like his girlfriend. But don’t make him choose between you, he’ll always choose her because, you know, sex.

If they’re in love then they’re right not to want to spend a year apart. There’s no reason he can’t have a great experience there and still live with his gf.

Frankly there is nothing you can do and anything you try will alienate both of them.

@Mumwithsons you’re probably right but you can’t control everything. Please trust me when I say being pressurised to submit to your mother’s will at this age is damaging to him, you run the risk of filling him with self loathing. This will be compounded by the suggestion by you that he is actually being controlled by another woman, his girlfriend. Hard to know from just this post obviously and am possibly reading too much into it but it sounds like you do a lot of his decisioning making with him, and it actually might be time to start tapering this off.

It you don’t want him to end up with a controlling woman, you need to model a respectful approach to his feelings and choices. This is a big part of what he will learn to expect from partner.

@BakedTattie what do you think looking back on that now though? Was your gap year better/worse for it? Do you think if he hadn’t come with you you wouldn’t be together?

I don’t think it’s about doubting the validity of a relationship. It just doesn’t sound healthy - it comes across like the person doing the following is a bit obsessive and controlling and doesn’t have enough going on in their own life. But obviously there are exceptions.