Son’s GF following him on his University year abroad, AIBU to advise against this?

[Mumwithsons]

My son, 19 is on a University course which has a year abroad, it’s a great opportunity and I’m really excited for him. He’s been living at home whilst going to Uni (normal for my region) so great to be a bit more independent.

He had a girlfriend from the start of summer, who was working here as a waitress, she’s told him last month that she has a job in a restaurant in the city to where he’s going next year. I’ve helped him with finances, and he turned down the really good University accommodation last month, which had loads of social events also, for a small flat quite far from the University. I could not understand why he was adamant that he wanted a flat, but now I realise this must be to do with his girlfriend. She is also very exclusive, doesn’t like any of his friends at Uni.

He is supposed to be spending time with his family and friends in this last week, and his girlfriend was back in her home country, but she’s come down at the last minute before he leaves.

I feel really uncomfortable. I spoke to my son and he’s quite defensive. I suggested meeting up with both of them this week and might speak up about my concerns. I know it wont’ change much, but I feel sad as this all seems very much driven by the girlfriend. AIBU to speak up?

This happened to a friend of mine, his girlfriend was quite bohemian. It was a disaster, she had trouble finding a job in the new country and place to live and he found himself really immersed in uni and uni social life. They split, she left but they actually reunited when he returned to their country. They've had many happy years together and have a family of their own now.
What I mean by this is not to worry too much, I think young love often has a way of working itself out.

I agree it's not right. I would be tempted to spell out that you are not going to fund a flat for the two of them while he is supposed to be immersed in the local language. By all means, they can meet up as often as they like but she should get a room in a shared house and he should live at the uni. Tell him how difficult things would be if they are living together and want to break up - it is very early days to be living together. If it's meant to be they will still be together after this year wherever each of them lived during it. Give him the excuse that you are being 'difficult' to tell her regards staying in residence. Although it sounds like it is now a done deal?

The point for me is this is not his decision. He didn’t ask her to be with him and he presumed they would just break up. He’s only been with her for a few months.
Sounds to me like he’s been leading her on a bit. He just “presumed” they would break up? Why? Moving in with someone isn’t giving them the impression of a casual fling. Your son sounds like he needs a backbone if he doesn’t want her travelling with him then he needs to tell her. He sounds like he was using her for a shag and then planned to ditch her when he left the country…nice boy you have there.

So annoying especially as he doesn't even seem that keen if he wanted to break up a few weeks ago! Talk to him and tell him that it will seriously affect his experience out there. Doesn't he want to be able to socialise with whoever he wants at his age? And this is an opportunity to live abroad that he may not get again and if his gf is as controlling as she is here, it will mean that he doesn't get to experience the people and the country.

That he doesn't owe her anything so not to feel guilty and it is a bit off that she is shoehorning herself this way.

@Twillow 's approach is good I think. It's supportive of the relationship but encourages growth and gives everyone a safety net.

I think this is where people get themselves into situations where they muddy the waters.

I dont think a 19 year should be being funded by his parents. He should be working part time and utilise his student loan facility to pay his way and be a grown up

So now OP thinks that she has a say over where he lives which isnt unreasonable considering shes paying for it, but along with that has come an expectation that this also involves a view on his relationship

He feels he can live an adult life but still wants his parents to pay for the decisions he makes.

This is why, once someone is an adult, they need to be treated as one.

Totally get it OP. And as someone who spent a year learning a language I question how many posters speak another language. Being around someone you have to talk to in English will make a fundamental difference to how much language he picks up. If he goes alone into uni halls speaks most of the time in the language of the country he will come back fluent; if he doesn’t he won’t.

If if were me I would say that I was super disappointed that he wasn’t honest about his reason for wants a flat. That you’re forking out for a year for him to learn a language not for him to go on a jolly with his gf. If he wants to do that he has to fund the year himself, get a job there etc.

FFS he is a 19 year old boy who up until now has been living under his mums roof. I have never understood the idea on MN that magically every young person becomes an "adult" the minute they turn 18. This kid is in over his head and that is likely why he has kept this plan from his family (which is indicative of his maturity level). Darn right I would withhold money. Let him/they figure it out. Or not.

Me too. I totally agree. Don’t give a toot what MN says.

Suffocating? Very harsh. Would you call her that if they were married ?

If she makes him happy then she makes him happy!

What a shame. YA is a brilliant experience and young people learn so much about themselves and other cultures. She is goi g to hold him back and he will mighty regret it when they are no longer together.

Good lord what have I just read, you can’t be remotely serious op. What’s wrong with you?

you can speak to your son about your concerns, you already have. It’s now his choice. You can’t go wading in with his girlfriend too, what the hell do you think will happen, they will go oh gosh you’re right let’s forget it? Or your son will be embarrassed and you will alienate her.

as she seems to be cut from your cloth Id really not be saying anything she will come back at you, and she’s not meeting you to get your blessing for gods sake. This isn’t the 1940s. She’s just meeting you, your blessing is not required. Sure it would be nice if you can find it in you to play nice, but if you can’t it’s going to be your son that suffers, poor bastard.

You're being a bit ridiculous. my daughter is 19 and if she was sabotaging a great opportunity for a needy boyfriend, I'd be so upset for her, and upset that she couldn't see that. People do still care about their children when they're young adults you know.

Me three. I would not pay thousands for my 19 year old to get almost nothing out of a very expensive privilege.

x

What's harsh about it? She tries to separate him from his university friends, she's accompanying him on his year abroad. Yup, sounds suffocating to me.

And suffocating boyfriends/girlfriends generally make for a suffocating spouse to marital status seems irrelevant.

Most young people should be developing toward adulthood though, having part time jobs while at school and college, paying their own way for things, perhaps going away on holiday with friends (if safe etc), doing chores, being responsible for some shopping and cooking etc. Children should be taught how to build their own independence so that they dont 'suddenly' get to 18 and suddenly life is different and they cant cope.

I don't think you should meet them both and discuss it, he's 19 and an adult.

If I see one more post like this on MN I will scream😠

Usually the posters are very young themselves and react violently to any older parent on MN showing concern.

Someone of 18 or 19 may be legally an adult. But it doesn't mean that on the day of their 18th birthday they are suddenly blessed with the maturity they lacked the previous day.

There has been a lot of research into maturity lately by psychologists and it showed that late adolescence carries on to age 25.

Most 'men' of 18 or 19 can be very immature. As can women.

I agree it's not right. I would be tempted to spell out that you are not going to fund a flat for the two of them while he is supposed to be immersed in the local language

I agree, it does kind of come down to this. OP is financially supporting her DS to facilitate his studies, not to fund a year long couples trip abroad.
I know there isn’t much you can do about it now, the deposit is paid, but I’d be frank in saying that the whole thing - him being deceitful about why he wanted a flat (he should have made it clear his GF was going to live there) and him essentially putting his studies on the back foot with this arrangement - is disappointing and quite frankly pretty immature. Everyone saying ‘he’s an adult’, well he’s really not acting like one.
I certainly don’t think you should take away the financial support. But you should only be supporting him. So whatever the flat is monthly, only pay half. She can foot her own half of the rent with her ‘waitressing job’ (I’m still pretty certain she doesn’t have one).
I suppose you could approach it in a positive way. ‘It’s great she’s coming with you, that really takes some of the financial pressure off me. Thanks!’ See how they react.

My eldest's lasted exactly 24 hours in halls because he flipped out and demanded that she either came back or let him move into her room where he'd get a job in a pub nearby or they were over. They'd been inseparable (in a really, really bad way) for five years by that point.

I cheered to myself.

It sounds like you have a lovely open and trusting relationship with your son which is great. Your frustration comes from offering him advice and him not choosing to take it. You can’t force his decision, but you can ask her to contribute to half of the rent if you’re paying the rent for him? Don’t financially enable her to freeload off you and your son.

I agree with this.
A similar situation happened to my DS. His then GF absolutely wrecked his year at a university in the US. Luckily he ended th the relationship eventually but it was very stressful for us all at the time. You have every right as a loving mother to voice your concerns and give him an 'out'

Its what I went through in 'the duration' because I didnt realise what i had at the time that have wrecked my mental health. the last 25 years have been hell on earth and probably wouldnt have been if i just married the man i loved. but anyway, this isnt about me.......

It sounds like you have a lovely open and trusting relationship with your son which is great

um what! No it doesn’t, it’s the opposite, he’s lying through his teeth. She says he knocked back the accommodation and wanted the flat a month ago. So he knew then he was taking her with him and he lied to thr op about why he wanted a flat. And he’s likely lying she’s got a job, he’s just taking her with him and she will find work when there. As he wanted the flat a month ago, he was never intending on ending this. He was just telling the op that so he could get the flat.

it’s far from a trusting open relationship. The lad knows how the op feels about his girlfriend and he’s lying to her to so he can go live with his girlfriend for a year.

Is she pregnant?

To be honest, it sounds like he doesn't want to discuss his choices with you. Maybe try and have a talk with him once more if you actually think it would help.

But ultimately, he is an adult and it's not up to you what he does.