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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Son’s GF following him on his University year abroad, AIBU to advise against this?

375 replies

Mumwithsons · 24/08/2022 17:03

My son, 19 is on a University course which has a year abroad, it’s a great opportunity and I’m really excited for him. He’s been living at home whilst going to Uni (normal for my region) so great to be a bit more independent.

He had a girlfriend from the start of summer, who was working here as a waitress, she’s told him last month that she has a job in a restaurant in the city to where he’s going next year. I’ve helped him with finances, and he turned down the really good University accommodation last month, which had loads of social events also, for a small flat quite far from the University. I could not understand why he was adamant that he wanted a flat, but now I realise this must be to do with his girlfriend. She is also very exclusive, doesn’t like any of his friends at Uni.

He is supposed to be spending time with his family and friends in this last week, and his girlfriend was back in her home country, but she’s come down at the last minute before he leaves.

I feel really uncomfortable. I spoke to my son and he’s quite defensive. I suggested meeting up with both of them this week and might speak up about my concerns. I know it wont’ change much, but I feel sad as this all seems very much driven by the girlfriend. AIBU to speak up?

OP posts:
IrisVersicolor · 28/08/2022 12:30

CatsandFish · 28/08/2022 12:15

What does that matter? What does that have to do with the OP's weird Bates-like relationship with her son?

Yeah as I suspected you don’t get it at all.

This is not his U.K. uni halls - completely different scenario.

CatsandFish · 28/08/2022 12:32

IrisVersicolor · 28/08/2022 12:30

Yeah as I suspected you don’t get it at all.

This is not his U.K. uni halls - completely different scenario.

It doesn't many any remote bit of difference. Residence is up to him to organise, regardless of the country. Not his mother.

IrisVersicolor · 28/08/2022 13:07

CatsandFish · 28/08/2022 12:32

It doesn't many any remote bit of difference. Residence is up to him to organise, regardless of the country. Not his mother.

It’s not about the country it’s about learning the language. If it were a year out in US/Canada/Aus it would completely different.

IrisVersicolor · 28/08/2022 13:09

It makes all the difference in the world to learning the language that’s why it’s important in this case.

everywoman682 · 28/08/2022 13:17
Biscuit
CatsandFish · 28/08/2022 13:21

IrisVersicolor · 28/08/2022 13:09

It makes all the difference in the world to learning the language that’s why it’s important in this case.

You're still not explaining why he needs his mummy to arrange his accommodation for him.

IrisVersicolor · 28/08/2022 13:23

CatsandFish · 28/08/2022 13:21

You're still not explaining why he needs his mummy to arrange his accommodation for him.

And you’re still not understanding the demands of learning a language.

CatsandFish · 28/08/2022 13:24

IrisVersicolor · 28/08/2022 13:23

And you’re still not understanding the demands of learning a language.

Again, what does that possibly have to do with who organises accommodation???

IrisVersicolor · 28/08/2022 13:32

It has to do with where he needs to live to learn the language.

CatsandFish · 28/08/2022 13:33

I just re-read all of OP's posts inn this thread just in case I missed something. No where does OP say she can speak the language but he can't, so it doesn't even make sense in that context. Like, if she spoke the language of where he was going then her making accommodation arrangements would make sense, if she speaks the language. She doesn't say she does. So it still doesn't explain why she is making the arrangements, and not him. I understand she's paying for it, but he still should be able to make all the actual arrangements himself, is my point.

CatsandFish · 28/08/2022 13:34

IrisVersicolor · 28/08/2022 13:32

It has to do with where he needs to live to learn the language.

And that stops him from personally making the arrangements himself - how?

IrisVersicolor · 28/08/2022 13:34

CatsandFish · 28/08/2022 13:33

I just re-read all of OP's posts inn this thread just in case I missed something. No where does OP say she can speak the language but he can't, so it doesn't even make sense in that context. Like, if she spoke the language of where he was going then her making accommodation arrangements would make sense, if she speaks the language. She doesn't say she does. So it still doesn't explain why she is making the arrangements, and not him. I understand she's paying for it, but he still should be able to make all the actual arrangements himself, is my point.

🤣

IrisVersicolor · 28/08/2022 13:41

CatsandFish · 28/08/2022 13:34

And that stops him from personally making the arrangements himself - how?

Because he’s 19 and he’s never studied a language on a year out before so he doesn’t know that living in halls with native students and speaking the language all year, vs living in a flat speaking English with his gf - will be the difference between coming home fluent and not progressing much at all.

He could sort it out himself if he understood what was at stake but like many teens he won’t be arsed, so OP is doing it for him.

If this were halls in a U.K. uni or he were going to an English speaking country - there would be no issue.

CatsandFish · 28/08/2022 13:41

IrisVersicolor · 28/08/2022 13:34

🤣

Very helpful.....

Like I said, I checked. There is no reason why he can't type out an email himself.

CatsandFish · 28/08/2022 13:44

IrisVersicolor · 28/08/2022 13:41

Because he’s 19 and he’s never studied a language on a year out before so he doesn’t know that living in halls with native students and speaking the language all year, vs living in a flat speaking English with his gf - will be the difference between coming home fluent and not progressing much at all.

He could sort it out himself if he understood what was at stake but like many teens he won’t be arsed, so OP is doing it for him.

If this were halls in a U.K. uni or he were going to an English speaking country - there would be no issue.

You seem to be making excuses. His mother hasn't studied a language a year out before either, so how would she know more than he does?

"He could sort it out himself if he understood what was at stake but like many teens he won’t be arsed, so OP is doing it for him."

So now you're babying him. Oh, he's a teen (he's actually an adult) so therefore that automatically means he 'can't be arsed'. Talk about having low expectations of young adults and not making them do things themselves, because you expect them to fail.

Neither the mother, nor the son speak the language. So the mother has no advantage here. What she is doing, is babying her son which will lead him to fail in learning to adult.

IrisVersicolor · 28/08/2022 13:50

You seem to be making excuses

You seem to be making the same mistakes and there’s nothing more I can say.

Mummyoflittledragon · 28/08/2022 19:00

CatsandFish · 28/08/2022 13:44

You seem to be making excuses. His mother hasn't studied a language a year out before either, so how would she know more than he does?

"He could sort it out himself if he understood what was at stake but like many teens he won’t be arsed, so OP is doing it for him."

So now you're babying him. Oh, he's a teen (he's actually an adult) so therefore that automatically means he 'can't be arsed'. Talk about having low expectations of young adults and not making them do things themselves, because you expect them to fail.

Neither the mother, nor the son speak the language. So the mother has no advantage here. What she is doing, is babying her son which will lead him to fail in learning to adult.

Some of us have done this though and know from experience how to gain the most out of learning a language whilst living abroad. And as op is his mum and has resources at her fingertips (the Internet etc) and life experience, she is very well placed to assist her ds. She has more of a vested interest as she is paying.

I have a teen and I would also be advising her to ensure maximising the chances to immerse in the language.

Mumwithsons · 28/08/2022 20:45

It’s really normal in my area for parents to help out, including booking accommodation on the year abroad (most here are like DS are living at home). Most parents help out with their kids first living away from home. Uni first week has parents drive up with duvets and apparently all are not bringing up Bates nightmares!

Mumsnet can be very extreme. You do one thing for your son over 18 (especially sons) and you are MIL from Hell or Cruella Deville, and if you dare speak truth they will never speak to you for the rest of their lives! Well I can report DS is still speaking to me, neither of us have fallen out, and there is a chance he might get a bit more out of his year abroad, and hopefully learn the language. He’s in a bit of a pickle with GF but - done all I can! That can all just play out.

OP posts:
OldFan · 28/08/2022 21:28

But we don't know that's the case: apparently the gf is now going abroad with a friend

She just 'happens' to be going to the same place as this bloke is going.

Mumwithsons · 28/08/2022 21:41

@OldFan yes GF decided to go to the same city (in another country) as DS, then said she’d planned it all before she even knew, and also said she had a job already lined up. Job she now has rejected. Wanted to meet me alone. I do take on board that it’s not up to me to dictate (nor would I want to! Weird), but I did want to advise some caution.

OP posts:
OldFan · 28/08/2022 21:45

@Mumwithsons It reminds me of a certain programme. 'Josh just happens to live here.' Grin

Mumwithsons · 28/08/2022 21:54

@OldFan OMG 😳!

OP posts:
OldFan · 28/08/2022 21:56

Next on the script- 'oh no, my friend's not able to go now so I've got nowhere to stay...'

He will have to be very firm if he's to avoid falling for that one.

Mumwithsons · 28/08/2022 22:07

I feel for DS. It’s all happening quickly, and rightly or wrongly this is his first time leaving home and it’s to a completely different country. He does have feelings for his GF, it’s not all her probably. But it’s a lot to be told she’s going to exactly the same city 4 weeks before he leaves, and with no job and perhaps not so solid plan with her friend. I’ve said I won’t be paying for the flat if she moves in. It felt really hard to say, but that’s my limit, even if it isn’t his. He can get a job to finance it if that’s the case!

OP posts:
1dontunderstand · 28/08/2022 22:10

I hope it works out for your son