Son’s GF following him on his University year abroad, AIBU to advise against this?

[Mumwithsons]

My son, 19 is on a University course which has a year abroad, it’s a great opportunity and I’m really excited for him. He’s been living at home whilst going to Uni (normal for my region) so great to be a bit more independent.

He had a girlfriend from the start of summer, who was working here as a waitress, she’s told him last month that she has a job in a restaurant in the city to where he’s going next year. I’ve helped him with finances, and he turned down the really good University accommodation last month, which had loads of social events also, for a small flat quite far from the University. I could not understand why he was adamant that he wanted a flat, but now I realise this must be to do with his girlfriend. She is also very exclusive, doesn’t like any of his friends at Uni.

He is supposed to be spending time with his family and friends in this last week, and his girlfriend was back in her home country, but she’s come down at the last minute before he leaves.

I feel really uncomfortable. I spoke to my son and he’s quite defensive. I suggested meeting up with both of them this week and might speak up about my concerns. I know it wont’ change much, but I feel sad as this all seems very much driven by the girlfriend. AIBU to speak up?

Part of being grown up is having the courage to be honest about how he feels. He might be struggling with that - if he was my son I'd talk to him alone and find out how he really feels. Growing up isn't something that happens overnight when you hit 18 - it's a process, requiring parental support in ways that parents of younger children don't always appreciate will be necessary.

If it emerges that he isn't happy, then help him to communicate that to the gf. Reassure him that it's good to assert his own wishes and that he will not be doing her a favour if he lets her follow him out and it goes pear shaped. If he reassures you that it's all good then say you won't interfere but you are here if it all goes wrong. Don't back him into a corner, just try to gauge real feelings.

It's okay to tell kids your concerns, but once you've done it, don't hammer it home / my experience is that even when they disagree with you initially, they often mull over what you've said further down the line and change their pov once they've had a think. It's just hard to say that their mum was right all along, which is why you need to get that gentle, supportive note.
And if she goes end up your dil, you won't have alienated her either. You can't trust kids not to repeat what you say to their gf so tread carefully.

@OldFan I am not looking forward to meeting with them to be honest. I had no idea she was going to be here the whole week before he goes, it was a bit of a surprise. But she is pushing to meet me apparently, presumably so I can give them my blessing, which I’m uncomfortable about.

I would be annoyed too… of course mixing with local students and locals and potentially doing some work experience is the whole point of a year abroad on a languages course. I would be telling him to get a local girlfriend and get rid of this one. She isn’t even a student? Is she a casual waitress trying to learn English herself and then wants to just live with him abroad? That might benefit her.
It is going to set him back and waste his year abroad and potentially spoil his ultimate degree if he lets some random girlfriend control his life and degree. It sounds like he tried to get rid of her and she isn’t taking no for an answer. Help him block her etc unless he really is head over heels in love. Sounds more like he doesn’t know how to get rid of her.

Just on the issue with the flat, its a strange one

I left home at 17 and worked my way through the rest of college and university. No one paid for my accommodation but me, I worked all the way through

I couldnt think of anything worse than 'halls' and in my case they were much more expensive than renting. It also felt very immature and young, something I had already grown out of as I was renting bed sits and used to my own space as it were.

The other issue, which I often get on my soap box about, is the infantilisation of young adults. The paying for their accommodation at university is part of that.

They are adults.

You are not remotely controlling OP.. some people on here are obsessed with labelling everyone 'abusive' and 'controlling' when they are obviously caring and loving. A 19 year old who still lives at home is probably still quite naive and your advice and care are essential to him living a fulfilling life.

The gf is the one who sounds controlling and a hugely suffocating by the sounds of it. My son had one like that at 19 and it was a horrible genuinely emotionally (and found out later )physically abusive relationship. His first real long relationship which he wanted to extricate himself from fairly early in but her manipulative behaviour made it last nearly 2 awful years.

You have to play it quite canny though. Push too hard and her grip will tighten. I would try to encourage him to take opportunities offered by the uni that don't involve her. I would also push the fact that he is going to learn a language and living with someone who he can only speak English with - will mean he will not get the benefit of this opportunity.

It's so manipulative of her to get a job in the same place. How does he ever get to break up with her if she is in his flat, doesn't come from that country and doesn't speak the language. She will be 100% reliant on him and wail that she has 'no one else' if he tries to end it.

Try and make him understand this and that Uni halls are MUCH better idea. (Say something like the deposit for the flat was too much so he has to go to halls. She can then find her own bloody living accommodation. ( bet she won't be so keen then !)

Why? He is an adult. To ignore that is to be as suffocating as the gf sounds. I'd have been very pissed off if my parents had tried to tell me where to live and what to do once I was an adult Even if they’re paying g for it?

OP can you go back to the university and see if halls have become free? People change their minds about this stuff.

Talk to him about how much money you are willing to give him OP.

If the student accommodation would be x per month, and the flat is y per month, tell him you’re willing to pay y for 3 months and after that you will pay x and they will have to make up the difference. Presumably she’ll be making a contribution towards living costs as she’s got a job?

No harm talking to him about condoms etc again too, make sure he knows he is also responsible for contraception.

Like a PP I thought the idea of halls was uncool but the reality was that having my own random flat I was comparatively isolated from the whole scene at uni. I had non-uni friends but it wasn't the same fun social group people build up in halls.

I think he’s an adult and you shouldn’t get involved.

My boyf at 21 moved abroad for his work & asked me to go.. I did & we’re now 35, married 6 years & just had our son. I’d have been pretty pissed off if my MIL interfered tbh! I understand your worries but it’s not your life.. x

Meeting with her gives their relationship a legitimacy that you obviously don't think it deserves. So don't meet her. It's a tad ironic that you say your DS is being railroaded by her, and then you're allowing her to do the same to you.

Fwiw I wouldn't be happy but I don't think there is anything you can say to them both. Follow your thought process through - do you think if you meet them together and say 'he was going to dump you 4 weeks ago' - that they'll split up? Or if you say 'this is a great opportunity for DS and you're going to spoil it' - that they'll respond positively to that?

Tbh you slipped up when you paid for the flat and it's an indication that you're not as close to your DS as you think you are since he didn't tell you about the gf. Perhaps they'd always intended to go together. A year is a long time. They might split up. She might move on elsewhere. He might immerse himself in university life anyway. You don't know.

Pick your battles. Focus on the how are you going to integrate into the culture/student life not on arguing over whether they live together
he's got the rest of his life to enjoy living with a partner and just one year to enjoy his year abroad

It’s not always that east when you’re young and have overbearing parents. I was mid 20s when I was bullied into leaving a job, which would have been a career for me. And it was during the recession. I didn’t want to leave. But I would never have heard the end of it.

How long will you be financing the accommodation? Will he be able to afford it after that, without his GF contributing if they split? Will she be contributing? Who's name's on the rent book?

Meet him alone first, share your concerns. Then if he still wants to go ahead with his plans meet her but knowing that you have said your piece and you don’t have to say it again to her.

I know I am going to get mumsnet flogged for this but in a situation like this I would withdraw my portion of the funding for the year. If he is mature enough to make all these ill advised decisions he is mature enough to foot the entire bill.

I don't think you sound controlling at all. Families taking through big decisions together is normal, right?

I can't find it now, but you mentioned that he assumed they would break up but she's somehow ended up involved anyway, perhaps without it being his intention. Totally get why this would be worrying. From my limited experience, people who somehow end up getting what they want regardless leave a wake of frustration behind them, and there's situations where I really regret holding my tongue. I don't know if it would have made a difference. I do know that the people I should have spoken to didn't recognise that there was an imbalance in that relationship and they'd never be properly listened to. If only I'd had the guts to say, "Bear this in mind: if your wishes are being ignored now, it's possible they always will be." Sorry - convoluted, close to the bone.

Basically you don't know what you don't know when you're young - and older, more experienced people should be sounding warning bells.

I suggested meeting up with both of them this week and might speak up about my concerns.

@momtoboys Yep or if I were OP I'd be tempted to just fund halls.

But I suppose OP said they're full now.

It would be a cold day in hell before they would get my "blessing" or my money.

Don't be ridiculous. It's not the fault of students with parents on a high income that they don't receive a full loan and certainly nothing to do with maturity. It's a government decision and the aim is to save money. Withholding that money in an attempt to control an adult child will often lead to parental estrangement.

My boyf at 21 moved abroad for his work & asked me to go.. I did & we’re now 35, married 6 years & just had our son. I’d have been pretty pissed off if my MIL interfered tbh! I understand your worries but it’s not your life..

Moving abroad for work, and temporarily going away as part of your degree course to study are two different things @sjxoxo So is one person inviting the other along.
If he hadn’t invited you, would you have ‘surprised’ him by secretly finding a low paying job where he was going and announcing you’re now tagging along? It’s bonkers.

BTW, @Mumwithsons, the girlfriend might be 'pushing to meet you', but I wouldn't go down that route. I'd share your concerns with your son, and say that it's ultimately his choice (though you will love him no matter what) - but I wouldn't meet her at this stage.

I’ve been there in a way … with myself and BF when both had a 3rd year work experience placement year. Everything was arranged for us to spend that time together, but his placement fell through. We were devastated at the time, but it turned out to be the best for me. We didn’t stay together, and overall it I think it the best thing. I met more people, did more things, etc than if I’d been part of a couple. As a parent I’d be worried, they are adults but so much growing to be done.

Is the price the same for both options?
If so, I'd give the same amount of money. However, if the flat is more I'd express that he'd need to flat share and I'm only paying half. Relationships are also a life lesson.