Son’s GF following him on his University year abroad, AIBU to advise against this?

[Mumwithsons]

My son, 19 is on a University course which has a year abroad, it’s a great opportunity and I’m really excited for him. He’s been living at home whilst going to Uni (normal for my region) so great to be a bit more independent.

He had a girlfriend from the start of summer, who was working here as a waitress, she’s told him last month that she has a job in a restaurant in the city to where he’s going next year. I’ve helped him with finances, and he turned down the really good University accommodation last month, which had loads of social events also, for a small flat quite far from the University. I could not understand why he was adamant that he wanted a flat, but now I realise this must be to do with his girlfriend. She is also very exclusive, doesn’t like any of his friends at Uni.

He is supposed to be spending time with his family and friends in this last week, and his girlfriend was back in her home country, but she’s come down at the last minute before he leaves.

I feel really uncomfortable. I spoke to my son and he’s quite defensive. I suggested meeting up with both of them this week and might speak up about my concerns. I know it wont’ change much, but I feel sad as this all seems very much driven by the girlfriend. AIBU to speak up?

It's not your mother's fault that you are pining for the one that got away.

I'd spell it all out, on paper. Pros and cons for living at uni vs a flat further out.

I'd be quite clear where I stood as a parent that you believe the best experience for him will be at x. That if she's 'the one' she'll be waiting for him after.

And I'd also be clear that I wouldn't be finding a more expensive flat.

I don't think it's controlling to steer your kids, they think love is everything at that age.

It's so much easier to run a long distance relationship than 25yrs ago. FaceTime, cheap flights etc.

If they want to meet with you, just be as pleasant as you can.
My daughter is just back from her year abroad. Her bf of 3 years didn't go. She couldn't get Uni Halls and got a flat, but it really wasn't an issue because she met people within a few days. Most Unis in European cities have Facebook pages and WhatsApp groups and you just turn up to events.

There were people from every European country at her Uni, so even the gf will probably meet friends.
I don't think there is much you can do re the gf. However, when your son gets immersed in Uni life and events, he may see the gf in a different light. Even if she is going, that year changes them so he may not be so keen after a while, and see her in a different light. I suggest leave them too it. It possibly will fizzle out. Or it may get stronger. Either way, I suggest just telling him to enjoy himself and immerse in the culture/language

My daughters relationship with her boyfriend lasted only a few weeks after she was on her year abroad, and they had been going out for a few years. That's how quickly things changed, as she wanted to experience life and felt he was holding her back!

Privately I would be raging.
To an adult child I would say nothing as it's none of my damm business & if you open your mouth it will backfire!

Did you post something similar the other day OP? There was a very similar thread within three last two or three weeks

I did a course with a year overseas and I have a mother like you. Because of that I'd lost the love of my life by the age of 23. I'm now almost 50 and have never been happy, never met anyone to match him. I am tortured by what could have beens and am in therapy to sort out the whole sorry mess that is my post graduation life.

Please, please don't be the same.

Me and DH were in a long distance relationship for 6 years before we moved in together. That included a stint of nearly a full 10 months apart. We’ve been been together nearly 20 years.
If it’s the right person and you love each other that much, you make it work.
@TheSnootiestFox if he was worth it, the year apart would not have mattered. You should get over that one. I don’t think you haven’t met someone to match him, you just haven’t met someone to match the fantasy of what you thought he was and what you think could have been. It’s not real.

@Mumwithsons yes say you’re happy for them, or find another way to not have a say in their relationship. I completely understand that if it was a friend you would worry too and maybe say something, but he’s not your friend, he’s your son. If things do go wrong and he knows you disapproved it will just make him feel worse.
It’s okay for him to make a mistake! If he ignores your advice (sounds like you’ve already made your feelings clear) suck it up and send them off with a smile and a wave. Not everything has to work out.

As an aside, if I thought for one minute that boyfriend was making decisions like this based on what his mummy wanted him to do, I would probably think a lot less of him. Just be normal about this, you have a good relationship so just be polite and maintain that.

You need to talk to him. Don't bother talking to them both.

All you can do is advise against this. I agree you're within your rights to refuse financial support if he is subsiding her too.

What a shame his year of independence and travel is going to be disturbed by this. Especially since he's been a student living at home so far.

Has she actually got a job or just saying that.

Is it a very touristy place where speaking English fluently would be very useful.

He's old enough to make his own decisions. You putting your oar in will simply make him dig his heels in harder. If you do anything advise him always to wear a condom.

Did you already post about this? There was very similar situation really and the OP threatened to stop financing her son.

Actually it is, when I called her and asked for help getting home, her response was 'stay there, I want my holiday, I never get anything...; and she rocked up 9 moths later for her fortnights free accommodation. Like the OP's son I would have needed her help financially to get back and she denied me. It absolutely is her fucking fault, she ruined my life and you know nothing about the circumstances surrounding it @Clymene so please keep your opinions to yourself. Like my mother should have done.

She sounds like she's making it up. You can't just up and 'get a job ' in the country of your choosing.

He'll get sick of her soon enough.

He's an adult

She's an adult

So all this talk and suggestions of her joining at this time or that time, is out of your control

I agree with someone else though, you do sound controlling and its likely that he will seek a relationship with someone who is just as suffocating so it shouldnt be a surprise that she is similar

He will either learn to overcome this or he will have this type of partner for the rest of his life

But ultimately he will make his own decisions

The point for me is this is not his decision. He didn’t ask her to be with him and he presumed they would just break up. He’s only been with her for a few months. She is saying that by coincidence she will also be living there, and now wants to meet me. She’s landed back here in the middle of him sorting stuff out and demanded he be with her every day before he goes. So instinctively, I’m not happy! His friends told him they didn’t like her, and that she made no effort with them, but he got cross with them about that. So yes I guess as the mother it looks like he’s being led from my pov.

I’d try to persuade him to tell the gf no. She’s recent and already wanting to move with him? How can she work but doesn’t speak the lingo? Gonna be tricky waitressing!

I agree with someone else though, you do sound controlling and its likely that he will seek a relationship with someone who is just as suffocating so it shouldnt be a surprise that she is similar
I think that’s bloody harsh.

Again, you know nothing. I was forced to finish with him when I returned, we were engaged and he loved me and I loved him. It's too long a story to go into but if I had been able to come straight home before the damage was done we'd have been together for 30 years next year. No fantasy no nothing. I will never forgive my mother for what she made me do for the sake of her bloody holiday.

@TheSnootiestFox do you think you have perhaps lived a self fulfilling prophecy?

You really have no idea or guarantee that you’d have been together for the next 30 years.

I thought I’d be with my bf forever at that age (already together 5 years) but Christ I was wrong (and glad of it).

In what way, we do tend to have relationships with people who are similar to how we have been brought up.

And Ive read your update, where you say he is being led and his friends dont like her. He has a choice, he can say (if he wanted to) that he doesnt want to see her again.

But its his choice, he shouldnt be 'persuaded' or talked around or any discussions. It needs to be hands off.

It might be different if his decision making had legal or criminal or dangerous implications but this is about a girlfriend and how he wants to live while he studies. If hes happy with it he will continue with it, if he's not,, he wont

No, I genuinely thought I was better without him at the time, everyone told me I was too young, plenty more fish in the sea yada yada. But there wasn't and it's only in the past 5 years that I realise what a massive mistake I made at someone else's instruction. And now I'm heartbroken and he's been marries to someone else for over 20 years so clearly not the cheating womaniser I was told to get rid of.

I understand that you are concerned, but he has to live his own life. It' s not down to you any more.

I thought the most telling phrase in your opening post was "I’m really excited for him". Quietly pleased would be more appropriate at this stage of his life. Step back, and let him learn how to be an adult.

@bellac11 I think it’s pretty cruel and appalling actually to be saying that because I’m concerned about my son that I am controlling and suffocating, and can only expect him to find the same. You can F off!

So

has he expressly said to you that he was going to break up with her?
Has he said to you that he is unhappy?

if so, speak to him alone and encourage him to finish the relationship.