Son’s GF following him on his University year abroad, AIBU to advise against this?

[Mumwithsons]

My son, 19 is on a University course which has a year abroad, it’s a great opportunity and I’m really excited for him. He’s been living at home whilst going to Uni (normal for my region) so great to be a bit more independent.

He had a girlfriend from the start of summer, who was working here as a waitress, she’s told him last month that she has a job in a restaurant in the city to where he’s going next year. I’ve helped him with finances, and he turned down the really good University accommodation last month, which had loads of social events also, for a small flat quite far from the University. I could not understand why he was adamant that he wanted a flat, but now I realise this must be to do with his girlfriend. She is also very exclusive, doesn’t like any of his friends at Uni.

He is supposed to be spending time with his family and friends in this last week, and his girlfriend was back in her home country, but she’s come down at the last minute before he leaves.

I feel really uncomfortable. I spoke to my son and he’s quite defensive. I suggested meeting up with both of them this week and might speak up about my concerns. I know it wont’ change much, but I feel sad as this all seems very much driven by the girlfriend. AIBU to speak up?

Your son will probably feel a sense of responsibility for this girl, as the only person she knows in the country (apart from her friend). He might feel like he has to spend time with her instead of with any new friends he meets on his course.

Hi OP,

I'm with you all the way here. Just because our kids are 18 or over, they don't become well rounded experienced adults overnight.

Anyway, you say you won't pay for the flat if she lives in it. Will you know if she does? Will he tell you? I wonder...

Why does the OP need to write his emails for him though?

Even if she has the experience of having had a university year abroad herself (which incidentally she doesn't claim to have had) she'd have presumably been making her own arrangements and it would no doubt have been at a time before email usage was common in the public domain so would have been more time consuming. I remember lots of letter writing, phone calls and form filling while arranging accommodation in my uni days. It's so much easier now things are done electronically - the son can ping an email in minutes, and surely after at least a year of study his command of the language is good enough to write an email to the Uni asking for updates on their halls?

It's infantilising him to have this level of over-involvement. This is much more than just having a reasonable chat about something of concern. Sending emails for your adult son or daughter is just weird.

Why does the OP need to write his emails for him though?

Where does it say she is?

The OP has mentioned in several posts that she's contacted the Uni halls; she said early on that she (not he) would book them, and she said she'd phoned them too and will continue to contact them regularly.
He can make his own phone calls and communications at age 19.

I’ve been with my husband since younger than that, it’s nearly 30 years now and we are happy. We were disapproved of strongly by family. Just for an alternative perspective. DH’s mum would still swear I’m controlling now (mainly as he moved country permanently for me), but I’m not!

@MeridasMum I don’t think I’d want to ‘monitor’ or police anything. I feel that if DS has agreed with me, then that’s good enough for me, and I need to respect to him to trust him.

@everywoman682 we have to agree to differ. I think that this flat is a bad decision, and regret it, which I’m more or less paying for. So if a place in halls comes up I will fund that instead. Hence why I’m phoning. If DS really wants the flat, he can get a loan, I didn’t have to pay the extra and halls are cheaper.

He's 19 not a toddler I'm sure OP doesn't speak the language either. Parents are assumed to have to support uni as maintenance loan is reduced with income that doesn't mean you should take full control. Part of parenting is offering advice then taking a step back and letting them make their own decisions.

@Helenahandcartt sounds like a long happy marriage. Congratulations that sounds very solid! I don’t ‘disapprove’ of their relationship, as it’s so recent I honestly have no idea! I am concerned that his year abroad is potentially going to be spent most with GF and mostly supporting GF. And in a way not led by DS as GF decided to move to the same city, but he didn’t ask her to.

@Fifife which is exactly what I have done.

"Parents are assumed to have to support uni as maintenance loan is reduced with income that doesn't mean you should take full control."

Agree entirely.

Like I said before, I don't agree with the system itself: I think it's wrong that parental income is taken into account and parents are expected to top up when we're talking about adults- 18 years or older- accessing higher education. IMO they should all be able to take the full loan. But that's a different argument!

We topped up the maintenance loan for our children, and if they decided to choose more expensive accommodation than necessary we agreed they would fund the difference independently. (It only happened with one son, during his 3rd year when he opted for something more expensive despite having an alternative.) What we would absolutely never have done though is dictate where they lived and refuse to give them any money if they didn't comply. Not paying the difference in cost is entirely reasonable imo. Refusing to pay anything is controlling.

He's not going to actively book himself into halls when his mum has funded a flat he can have his GF in at any time.
I'm with the OP on this one. She's handled it better than I would have. The jobless GF sounds like an absolute nightmare, good luck OP

Well done op. You doing that also means that you've taken the decision out of his hand and it won't be him disappointing his gf or feeling bad about it. At 19 they're still looking for us and our advice. My 19 year old very independent son comes to me for advice about his gf, his job and his life in general. Not often but he still wants parental guidance or confirmation on some things.

My 19 year old very independent son comes to me for advice about his gf, his job and his life in general

I would never have done that. But it's a different generation I suppose.

I'm 45 and have always taken advice from my parents on most aspects of my life. I hope my children will come to me for advice at whatever age they feel they need it. It's a parallel universe on MN sometimes where a flick is switched at the age of 18 and kids are suddenly able to make all necessary adult decisions without wisdom or experience.

Sounds like you have handled the situation well OP.

So OP has rung the halls in relation to accommodation she’ll be paying for.

That’s rather different from the hyperbole about writing all his emails!

My son knows I'm fair and I have his best interest at heart. We argue a lot, don't get me wrong and he won't follow some of my advice but by his own admission, deep down he listens to me and wants to know my opinion (even if sometimes he just wants validation and argues with me when I don't think it is wise).

How’s your son doing @Mumwithsons ?

@Justanotherlittlename Thanks for asking - He’s actually had a bit of a rough time - he’s a bit out of the loop from other students activities as he lives a bit far away, and then he got his phone stolen. GF not moved yet but soon. It’s not how he expected it.

No news on a flat option?

I suppose he feels let down that she hasn’t joined him and is now away from the other students.
DD is in halls and has made some good friends and they are all good students -

I would keep ringing the halls as someone will drop out. Did you ask if there’s a waiting list?

Oh OP,
So sorry to read this.
If it was me I would be so upset and pissed off at the same time.

However, you HAVE to keep reminding yourself that you did your best and HIS choices are why this has happened.

He was dishonest with you and insisted on this.

He made a bad decision and wouldn't be swayed from it, and he is paying the price.

You have to keep reminding yourself that he really needs to learn from this.

To do better.
To make better decisions.
To perhaps consider listening to others.

If he wants things to go better for him in the future, he needs to learn from this, or the same mistakes will be made.

I would be measured in my sympathy.
"Oh dear, that's a pity, hopefully things will improve for you etc"
If he rails at you, just remind him that he "wouldn't be told, no matter how hard I tried, you insisted on the flat, so try and make the best of YOUR decision".

It is very possible that he won't get as much out of the experience friendship/fun wise, but he may learn that decisions have consequences and if he had been honest with you and listened to you, he could have had a vastly different experience, which was all you wanted for him., ie that he would have the maximum fun possible.

I ran into a mother of a class mate of one of my sons and she was telling me how her son turned down an incredible opportunity in the States, over the summer, to teach sailing with a bunch of his friends, because of a relatively new girlfriend, who had to resit exams and wasn't going away.

This mum was so upset, however, there was no talking to him.

4 weeks into the summer she dumped him, and his parents had to look at his glum face the rest of the summer as he saw the incredible stories his pals put up on SM.

She said she vacillated between feeling so sorry for him and wanting to kill him for his stupidity and stubbornness.

He paid a big price for it and she made it clear at several points during the summer while she felt VERY sorry for him, it was through his own stupidity he missed out on the experience of a life time.

So sympathy yes, yet tinged with the positivity that he should make the best of the situation and learn from it if possible.

@forrestgreen there is a chance he can have halls after Christmas, but on a waiting list before then. Interestingly, DS has expressed an interest in this, so there is hope!

@Threelittlelambs glad your DD has made friends, its’ not easy that first few weeks. On the wait list but also this contract on his flat does take a couple of months to get out of.

@billy1966 agreed, thank you so much for your reply, he is paying the cost! Except he doesn’t quite get it yet, in daily contact with GF which props him up but he can see the life he also wants with other students slipping him by a bit. He’s started to make a few excuses though, saying that when he did meet the students ‘most were from X country and a bit clique anyway’ - which is a bit of a cop out I feel - everyone is getting stuck in and he’s just not given himself the best chance. There is a bit of him I think that talks with GF and they get a ‘well why bother mindset’ together which isn’t healthy. He’s not as open as I know him to be. He keeps chatting to me so I try and urge him to do the opposite - get out there and give people a real chance!

He has promised to keep trying to engage though and maybe I’m a bit soft but I’ve paid for a few student events in the next few weeks - which he wouldn’t have done to save himself money - which are all for his student year only. He’s up for that and went to some already.

Your story was very poignant, what an opportunity wasted! It’s only when we become older we realise that we don’t get that many in life, to be free, young and experience new cultures so fully.

@Mumwithsons you're not soft just a caring mum. Hope he gets into halls after Christmas 🤞🙏

If it’s France or Italy their unis are non-selective so many start and drop out in the first year. There should be some gone by Christmas.