Son’s GF following him on his University year abroad, AIBU to advise against this?

[Mumwithsons]

My son, 19 is on a University course which has a year abroad, it’s a great opportunity and I’m really excited for him. He’s been living at home whilst going to Uni (normal for my region) so great to be a bit more independent.

He had a girlfriend from the start of summer, who was working here as a waitress, she’s told him last month that she has a job in a restaurant in the city to where he’s going next year. I’ve helped him with finances, and he turned down the really good University accommodation last month, which had loads of social events also, for a small flat quite far from the University. I could not understand why he was adamant that he wanted a flat, but now I realise this must be to do with his girlfriend. She is also very exclusive, doesn’t like any of his friends at Uni.

He is supposed to be spending time with his family and friends in this last week, and his girlfriend was back in her home country, but she’s come down at the last minute before he leaves.

I feel really uncomfortable. I spoke to my son and he’s quite defensive. I suggested meeting up with both of them this week and might speak up about my concerns. I know it wont’ change much, but I feel sad as this all seems very much driven by the girlfriend. AIBU to speak up?

@TheSunnySide yes he told me 4 weeks ago that although they might visit each other again, that he told her that it was best that they broke off completely and be free to see other people.

He's 19.

He gets to make his own choices now and has to make his own mistakes.

I understand that you want what's best for your son, but he's got to be allowed to lead his own life, without all of your control. Let him make mistakes - it's part of being alive.

But why is advice, control? No one needs to take advice. But if it’s lovingly given, it’s nothing like control FFS!

Well firstly it depends if your advice is wanted and asked for, unless Im missing something it doesnt sound like it is and your advice is based on your own anxieties rather than his need for you to give him advice

Secondly I wonder if the title of the thread is a bit unfortunate. You mention the girlfriend 'following him' and then say 'aibu to advise against this'

It reads to me as if you think you can control what the girlfriend does! Which of course would be very controlling

That's no guarantee he would have been with you for the duration had things been different. For the sake of your mental health, move on.

I think you could talk to him about it and say you think he might be short changing himself by not immersing himself in the whole experience. But also you understand how amazing it can be to meet someone special. It’s a dilema when life experiences clash.

tread carefully

Because it's unsolicited. Has your son actually asked for your opinion?

you are right, but I think he has to find this out himself the hard way.

OP, I would be appalled if I were you in these circumstances.
I have children this age and older.

Of course it is 100% natural for you to want him to maximise this opportunity.

Unfortunately I think you made a huge mistake going with the flat.

Student accommodation or nothing would have been my position.

She is pushing her way into his life and while I'm paying for university I would expect a say.

I have never heard of this happening and I can tell you my friends would not be one bit happy with his new girlfriend imposing on him.

The absolute likelihood is he will bitterly regret missing out on what this experience could have been, all for a romance.

If the romance was meant to be, let them wait till he has finished.

There is nothing controlling about wanting him to have a great experience.

He needs to make his own mistakes.

He will likely resent you for trying to get involved and not listen anyway.

No, I genuinely thought I was better without him at the time, everyone told me I was too young, plenty more fish in the sea yada yada. But there wasn't and it's only in the past 5 years that I realise what a massive mistake I made at someone else's instruction.

Gosh, it’s like a bad adaptation of Jane Austen’s ‘Persuasion’… but possibly still better than that terrible Netflix version.

Against the grain here, but: as an adult, I really resent my mother for never giving her opinion when I was a teenager and young adult. She used to proudly say that it was stupid to criticise a child's choices or boyfriend because the child would then turn against you. I guess looking back now that was a hint that she didn't like mine, but she used to say it to criticise her friends for interfering with their kids' lives. I was too stupid to get the hint at the time.

Ever since I was 15, she treated every relationship I had seriously and as if this was the person I would marry. At the time I was ok with it. Now I'm pretty sad about it. I made some terrible choices and she just stood by and watched. She never offered me any guidance, never suggested that certain behaviour from boyfriends wasn't normal (e.g. one boy was controlling, I left university after 1 year to the move to the town where another one lives and she didn't say anything). Now that I have my own kids, I just can't get over it. I feel so much anger. She was an adult who had lived life, why didn't she warn me? Why didn't she ever say anything? She never even tried to pass any general life advice. I had to figure it all out myself, and struggle as an adult to deal with the resentment I feel.

This doesn't sound like a great move for him. It's not like he's madly in love and excited to live with her. So if you can talk to him I would. Even you generally saying you're worried about him learning the language, enjoying his time there might help. He might act defensive at the time but you might find that something will sink in and he'll think about it in his own time.

If you're paying then you absolutely have an input. Why can't you speak to him alone?

You mention being forced to end it with him, and being told you'd be better off without him, which sounds as if there is a lot more to it than purely spending a year abroad without him, so not sure it's overly comparable with this situation (assuming the OP only gives her thoughts to her DS about the GF going on rhe year abroad and not on the GF and relationship in general). I echo what others are saying, that for you own mental health try to move on.

I have two friends who did a year abroad while their boyfriends remained at home doing their own university courses. One boyfriend visited a couple of times, the other wasn't able to due to visa requirements. The only way to keep in touch back then was by letter and landline phone. Both relationships continued after the year abroad and both couples have now been married for years. Another friend had her boyfriend on the year abroad as they were doing the same course. All was ok at first, but they spilt up partway through the year and then had to spend an awkward few months attending the same classes and living in the same university halls. It doesn't always follow that being apart will ruin the relationship, not that being together will keep it going.

Your son can get married at 18
You should be pleased that he has a GF
I am sure that they will make friends abroad

Op how would you feel, if someone told you that you could not go somewhere or have a relationship with someone ?

He is your child

However, he is also an adult

We all make mistakes, that is part of life

His gf sounds controlling and I'm afraid she will isolate him from his peer group. Already, he is renting a place with her instead of living with other students. Can you encourage him to live in a house share with her and other students as a compromise.

H__e also needs to ensure that he uses a condom because she very well could find herself 'accidentally pregnant'. She sounds suffocating and controlling not you as other posters have mentioned.

Surprised at these responses. Isolating a bf/gf from their friends is a pretty major red flag. Moving to another country to follow your bf/gf of just a few months is an even bigger red flag.

This is a terrible idea. YANBU.

I’ve done a year abroad for languages so I do understand the situation. This is his education and it’s expensive. Girlfriend needs to back off.

I would come at it from the angle that this could impact his studies if he doesnt live in halls and immerse himself in culture. Wouldn't even mention gf

OP, I have student children. I think all you can do is give the benefit of your advice/opinion and then let them get on with it. I am not always happy with the situations in which my DC find themselves, and I don't pretend otherwise - but they know that I only ever have their best interests at heart. So I sometimes give them very good advice, and they ignore it.

If you have given your son your opinion and he is now being defensive, you have to let him get on with it and do whatever he needs to do (been there, done that). The main thing is that he knows that you have his back if things go tits up.

You should be pleased that he has a GF

Why, @CrystalClean498?

I suggested meeting up with both of them this week and might speak up about my concerns.

This seems a bit full on to me @Mumwithsons , but you could share your opinion with your son privately.

@CrystalClean498 I don’t think advice is telling my son that he has to end this relationship! Or locking him in his room! Or telling the GF to do one or whatever else anyone thinks I’m going to do. Advice for me would be passing that I have concerns, telling him I’ll love him no matter what.

I am kicking myself for agreeing to this flat (I paid the deposit already). I thought I should just trust his choices, but didn’t know this choice was tied into his girlfriend. I wish I’d just booked the student accomodation instead (which has now all been filled).

OP you've posted this before. Name-changing and posting again won't change the advice you were given then. You have to let him make his own mistakes as an adult. Your job is to be ready with a shoulder to cry on when/if it goes wrong.