Son’s GF following him on his University year abroad, AIBU to advise against this?

[Mumwithsons]

My son, 19 is on a University course which has a year abroad, it’s a great opportunity and I’m really excited for him. He’s been living at home whilst going to Uni (normal for my region) so great to be a bit more independent.

He had a girlfriend from the start of summer, who was working here as a waitress, she’s told him last month that she has a job in a restaurant in the city to where he’s going next year. I’ve helped him with finances, and he turned down the really good University accommodation last month, which had loads of social events also, for a small flat quite far from the University. I could not understand why he was adamant that he wanted a flat, but now I realise this must be to do with his girlfriend. She is also very exclusive, doesn’t like any of his friends at Uni.

He is supposed to be spending time with his family and friends in this last week, and his girlfriend was back in her home country, but she’s come down at the last minute before he leaves.

I feel really uncomfortable. I spoke to my son and he’s quite defensive. I suggested meeting up with both of them this week and might speak up about my concerns. I know it wont’ change much, but I feel sad as this all seems very much driven by the girlfriend. AIBU to speak up?

I think the only genuine thing you can comment on is if you are having to pay extra for his flat as opposed to him staying in university accommodation. If the reason for the flat is as you suspect, because his GF will be living there too then why should you be paying for her to live there FOC?

If you interfere you will push them closer together not make them question if this is a good idea. As tough as it is you have to let him make his own decisions and make his own mistakes.

However, if you are helping pay for the accommodation I think you have a right to say no it’s best to be closer to uni

I think if a friend told me she was going abroad for work, and a very recent boyfriend just happened to get a job in the same place, who didn’t like any of her friends, I’d also say something to my friend out of concern. So for me it’s not that I think that he is a child, it’s because I love him and care about him. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity for him.

To be honest I’m not afraid of alienating him, we have a great relationship luckily. Even if he doesn’t agree, he knows I’m fair and do things out of love. If this was at all driven by him I’d back off more. But I know he wanted to end things 4 weeks ago so I’m not sold that it’s true love yet!

Agree that you can't poke onto this much as his mum but I think I would drop some gentle reminders of what could happen eg do you think you might miss out a bit, will she be happy with you making new uni mates and going out with them when she is at work, be careful as you don't want to have to drop out to support her or her and a baby etc but gently and conversationally if possible.

There is nothing wrong with voicing your concern but meeting up with both of them to do this will probably backfire. If you say he's defensive I presume you've already mentioned your concerns anyway? I think you're going to have to accept he's probably not going to listen.

Do you know any details about the girlfriend's job? You can't just up and move to many countries now and just get a job. Assuming it's a European country there is additional admin, work visas etc. She can't stay for more than 90 days out of 180 if she doesn't have the correct paperwork in place. I'd be concerned that your DS would get stuck paying for the flat by himself.

You sound really interfering tbh.
let him live his own life, if he is happy with her being there for his year abroad then let him be.

@basilmint I thought the same re the job - I think she’s bullshitting about having easily landed a waitressing job abroad this far in advance, I guess via zoom. I find that unlikely. Especially if she doesn’t speak the local language at all.
She doesn’t need to worry about having a job immediately does she, OP is paying for her accommodation.

I agree with you, it's not a great idea, but if you get involved you will always look the bad one.

However, I do think you are being unfair in how you seem to blame her for everything. It's like you're demonising her. That will never end well for you. You need to always be friends with your son's partners or you will lose out on a relationship with your son.

Good luck

What’s the difference in price between the flat and the accommodation? I wouldn’t be subsiding her for a start

Didn't you post about this before? Or if not, there's someone in a very similar situation.

All I think you can do is tell him that you think he's going to miss out on the immersive experience and won't be making the most of it. But at the end of the day he'll have to make his own mistakes. But I totally agree with you - I think he'll regret it.

I was just thinking the same, it’s very familiar.

Sorry, just re-read your OP that says gf has been back in her home country, so maybe that means she has the entitlement to work in the country your DS is going to study in. I'm still not sure how she will manage without the language! Agree with PP, you can air your concerns but don't expect it to necessarily get you anywhere. Can they compromise on a flat nearer to the student accommodation so he wouldn't be so isolated?

I did a course with a year overseas and I have a mother like you. Because of that I'd lost the love of my life by the age of 23. I'm now almost 50 and have never been happy, never met anyone to match him. I am tortured by what could have beens and am in therapy to sort out the whole sorry mess that is my post graduation life.

Please, please don't be the same.

And how did she manage to already find a job when she doesn’t speak the local language?

She’s from Europe so she doesn’t need a visa I presume. Some people are saying that even saying anything would be controlling and interfering. Should I say that I’m happy for them? Give them the impression that I’m fine with it. They want to meet with me. Not sure I could lie!

Tell him to have a great time and that he can contact you if needed.
Then
Leave them to it. (They are adults and can make their own decisions).

I don’t know how she landed the job, and don’t know if it’s waitressing or just staff, but she speaks English. Definitely does not speak any of the local language. I guess the service industry likes experienced people? I know that she told my son that she just happened to get the job offered in the same place, and that is was a happy coincidence.

Lisers - it’s a little more complicated in that I am having to put up money, his grant is not paid until mid October.

Don’t say anything. It’ll only cause friction. Let him come to his own conclusions.

is your son happy she is going to be there?

Yes, you give the impression you’re happy for them or run the risk of pushing them together even more. He’s 19yo. It’s unlikely to last.

And if it does last then he’s happy with her?

The thing that stood out as a red flag for me was the fact that the new GF does not like his friends. It sounds as if she has very little self confidence and is competing against them for his time and attention.
Does he still see his uni friends as much as ever? Or does she seem to be trying to cut them out of his life?
I'd also be concerned that if she managed to do this, family could be next.

You say in your OP ‘I suggested meeting up with both of them this week and might speak up about my concerns’ and ask if you should speak up.
now you are saying you don’t think you can not speak up.

so speak up.

is he happy she is going? If so then don’t expect it to go well. Or, perhaps just meet up with him and speak to him alone about it rather than involving her as she could end up feeling very hurt by your obvious dislike of her.