To expect some privacy in the bathroom?

[Crewton]

Every time I am in the shower DH comes in. It’s usually to ask me about something I can’t find.

This morning he did it and then left the bathroom door open. PIL are in the guest room and if they’d come out of their bedroom I’d have Been seen stark naked in the shower. I completely lost my shit with him.

We don’t have a lock for safety (toddler can lock herself in but can’t unlock it) but regardless surely a bit of basic respect should apply here.

If you haven't, well, some people are better at reading body language and subtleties than others.

If you have, he does not respect you and is playing power games.

i wasn’t keen when we replaced our old shower, as new shower cabinet had clear glass rather than obscured glass. I bought a roll of privacy window film applied it to outside of shower door. I now don’t feel self conscious bending down with my arse all on show. Would that be an option rather than a high up bolt?

Exactly how clear have you made it that this is unacceptable and makes you uncomfortable? I don't mean to sound patronising but so many people "drop hints" or are too passive when setting boundaries, using language like "I'd prefer if you didn't" or "I don't really like it when" or "could you maybe not". That doesn't make his pig headedness your fault AT ALL by the way, but you might just have to whack him over the head with the point in order for him to get it.

When my husband and I moved in together our bathroom didn't have a lock at first. He barged in on me in the shower once and after the fact I sat him down and told him in no uncertain terms that it wasn't ok, it made me uncomfortable, and that I needed him to respect my privacy and knock before coming into the bathroom.

He now knocks every time, even though he doesn't get it because he comes from a family of bargers. If you actually have made it this categorically clear and he is still steamrollering your boundaries, then yes that is a problem. It slaps of disrespect.

We don't have a lock, we shut the door when we're in and leave it ajar when we leave even DGS 5 knows that .

Pardon? What do you mean?

You only moved in 4 days ago and were ok with him coming in the bathroom before then, so it’s an extreme reaction to feel so ‘distressed’ by it. And randomly insulting yourself doesn’t help either. Has your husband done something else to make you scared of him in this way?

This is ridiculous . You think your dh would be so "confused" by a locked door that he'd actually smash his way through it, op?!

What would he say or do if you shouted "get out & shut the door behind you!" ?

OP, you don't seem very willing to tell us whether you've explained how you feel to your husband and how he reacts to that? Any chance?

DH & I would never do this to each other. Suggest you (a) shout "Get out!" at him & refuse all conversation &/or (b) buy a rubber wedge to shove under the door (remove & hide it afterwards).

You could also try flinging the bathroo door open every time he's on the loo having a poo, especially if PIL will see him. Sauce for the goose & all that.

Why don't you speak up? It's not a big deal, tell him you hate it when he does that and ask him to be more considerate. Done.

What other people do is totally irrelevant.

You've told him how you feel and he's choosing to completely ignore you.

I would get a lock as it would solve the immediate problem of people being able to invade your space, but long-term you need to think about your relationship.

Put a bolt high up on the door on the inside. It's not barricading yourself. It's sending a message loud and clear to the asshole you are married to.

You also need to barge in on him every day for at least a week and take all the towels when you leave (leaving the door open).

Yes, you are right to be spitting nails over this, but I wouldn't go to the hotel because when you do eventually come back he will see it as you crawling back.

Instead, bring a large bowl with you to the shower and fill it up. When he walks in on you throw the water at him. Or if you have a removable shower head, take it off and spray him. Don't say a word. Even better if you get him with cold water.

If you don’t sort it out you’ll end up with my dad. He has to tell/ask my mother something the second it occurs to him. He wanders into the bathroom when she’s showering and knocks on the shower cubicle to get her attention. He’ll follow her into the loo. It’s never anything urgent and rarely anything she really needs to know. Things like, “Where’s the birthday card you bought for X?” When their birthday is at least a fortnight away or, “I’m going to wrap up one of the sandwiches you made me and put it in the fridge because I can’t finish it. I think it’s because I had my breakfast late …”

It really doesn't matter if the rest of us go prancing around the garden naked every morning.

You are uncomfortable with him marching in every time you shower so he shouldn't do it. You can force the issue with a high lock and use it but the problem you are trying to solve around a man not respecting your boundaries is more fundamental.

You say this started when you became a mother - so do lots of controlling male behaviours, especially behaviours to reinforce a woman's place with respect to household duties. Why for instance, can he still not change his own child's nappy without requiring your involvement?

Why doesn't she lock the door?

OP I understand why you're so distressed at you oh and at the arsehole replies on here. It's the overarching meanings of the whole thing.

You haven't answered whether he tramples boundaries in other respects. It would be helpful to think of this is a pattern wouldn't it?

Either way I would act decisively right now.

'It doesn't matter if you don't feel the same - this is how I feel. When you come in and leave the door open when you know I don't like it, when you dismiss my subsequent anger, you are telling me That my feelings don't matter. You are telling me that i don't matter. If you keep doing this I will have to consider why I am with someone who thinks I don't matter.'

I haven't read the full thread, a few comments and all your updates.
I'm sorry if this sounds patronising, I really don't mean it to be. Have you explained to him how upsetting you find it? Regardless of what others do and for what it's worth I wouldn't like it. Could it be force of habit? Does he leave all doors open? You said last shower was in an ensuite so leaving that door open would have still left you some privacy.
If I done something i considered 'normal' and a partner (or anyone actually) found that upsetting I would apologise and stop. Because their feelings matter to me. If you've already had this conversation with him or you do in future and he continues, that to me says your feelings don't matter. Maybe think if there are other boundaries he crosses, some things you may not have realised as they may not be as upsetting. Are these things worth putting up with?

Exactly - so strange that the OP has come on here about this ….

But won’t do the one quick fix that will address the immediate issue (if not the wider one, which is that her husband is an insidious arsehole)…

…and also will not say what he has said in response to her repeatedly asking him to stop (including ‘losing her shit’).

Not sure what you want from the thread, OP?

I guess if it’s confirmation that your husband is an utter arsehole, you’ve definitely got that.

Just put a lock on. Don't see why it needs a thread. You can surely manage putting it out of the toddler's reach.

I think you need more help than a lock. Why so aggressive? I'm surprised your Husband enters ANY room you are in!

If your issue is that you’re in a huge amount of distress - singularly caused by your husband, of all people, and he doesn’t care - then you need to be seriously thinking about leaving him.

And no, you wouldn’t be leaving him because he walks in on you in the bathroom. You’d be leaving him because he doesn’t like, respect or care for you.

Notice I haven’t mentioned ‘love’. Love is utterly meaningless if it isn’t underpinned by like, respect and care.

Don't be a dick.

I agree that putting a lock on the door is the captain obvious solution.

But it’s plain to see the OP’s issues with her husband go way, way deeper than what she’s ostensibly posting about.

She’s being ‘aggressive’ because she’s distressed, upset and at the end of her tether - and cannot see a way out.

And this is all caused by her husband.

It’s a pretty horrible situation to be in.

OP - maybe post again in relationships, rather than AIBU. And about your husband, rather than the bathroom door.