Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect some privacy in the bathroom?

202 replies

Crewton · 24/08/2022 09:07

Every time I am in the shower DH comes in. It’s usually to ask me about something I can’t find.

This morning he did it and then left the bathroom door open. PIL are in the guest room and if they’d come out of their bedroom I’d have Been seen stark naked in the shower. I completely lost my shit with him.

We don’t have a lock for safety (toddler can lock herself in but can’t unlock it) but regardless surely a bit of basic respect should apply here.

OP posts:
Anon50000 · 24/08/2022 10:21

Just because you are married it doesn't give him the right to see you naked when ever he wants.

Tell him how it makes you feel.

RHOAD · 24/08/2022 10:24

It's my toddler that wont give me any privacy when I'm in the bathroom 🙄
OP I understand how you feel.

TheOnlyBeeInYourBonnet · 24/08/2022 10:25

Crewton · 24/08/2022 09:37

@katishot i am at the point of walking out and going for a hotel for the night. That’s how upset and angry I am about it. I’m not really in the mood to be going to DIY shops and putting locks on doors because the man who I took for better or worse thinks so little of me he doesn’t care if I am humiliated and upset. That’s all I am. A piece of something and who cares if it’s seen naked and vulnerable. That’s how I feel. So no I don’t want to talk about door locks.

Will you be locking the bathroom door in case housekeeping comes in?

You keep asking 'is this normal?' and the majority response is no, normally bathroom doors are locked for privacy.

Brigante9 · 24/08/2022 10:27

Obvious question, but did you actually tell him how he’s made you feel? I think it’s pretty straightforward to think that clearly, he should be allowing you privacy and being far more considerate when your pil are able to see in.

Plantstrees · 24/08/2022 10:28

YABU because you can easily put a bolt up high where a child can't reach but don't want to consider that option

toastedcat · 24/08/2022 10:30

I would be really pissed off too, OP. I fully understand how you feel. My partner walked in on me a few times and I told him to stop because it made me unable to relax and he has never done it since. Your partner should respect your wishes. And especially not leave the door wide open when others are staying there!

JenGin · 24/08/2022 10:33

I think it's just a case of simple ground rules? When myself or my DH are in the shower we both wonder in and out of the bathroom (not to use the loo!) and that's fine - we see each other naked on a daily basis. When we're using the loo we don't come into the bathroom. It's a simple rule that we both understand.

If that's a rule you've tried to put in place with him and he's still ignoring it then it's a case of a complete lack of respect for your wishes and it needs addressing. You are not being unreasonable in expecting him to respect a simple request no matter what that request is.

JenGin · 24/08/2022 10:35

Plantstrees · 24/08/2022 10:28

YABU because you can easily put a bolt up high where a child can't reach but don't want to consider that option

Because if you ask your partner not to do something and they keep doing it the issue is a complete lack of respect for your wishes. Putting a bolt on the door because he can't respect your wishes is not going to solve the wider issue that he doesn't care what she wants.

WeAreTheHeroes · 24/08/2022 10:37

You need to calmly tell him that when you are in the bathroom he is not to enter. If the door is shut he must knock and wait for your response. If you say, "not now" he is to go away and leave you in peace. Then you tell him how important it is to respect someone's privacy, especially when they have asked you to.

The other thing you can do is shout at him to get out. If his parents are there he might be embarrassed enough to bugger off.

If you have a separate loo somewhere else in the house he can keep a toothbrush, etc in there to use when the main bathroom is occupied.

But really fit a lock to make your point.

Original poster
Crewton · 24/08/2022 10:37

The thing is, it is not a one off. It is every single time, without fail. I suspect if I did lock it he’d be confused and break the lock anyway.

So this morning DD had filled her nappy and he comes in asking where the wipes are. I told him and he went out to find them, leaving the door open in the process.

He has done it since DD was a newborn.

OP posts:
dudsville · 24/08/2022 10:38

Personally, i think you're taking this pretty hard. I hear you don't want to think about a lock, but my OH had a habit of coming in when I was on the toilet and he doesn't mind this at all, whereas I mind a lot. He is a kind, thoughtful, loving man, who couldn't see this was my preference. So, yes, I'd lock the door. He'd then ask if he could come in and I'd say no. It took a few occassions, but he gets it now, he knocks and if I say "no!" then he doesn't come in, but without a barrier to stop him and make him think I don't know that he woudl have arrived at that understanding independently.

Original poster
Crewton · 24/08/2022 10:43

The reason I am so upset is because of how it felt. I was standing in a shower naked with a door wide open (quite a long way from the shower) with the guest room just across the hall. It was horrible.

I do think there’s a power aspect there. I didn’t think he was like that but now am thinking he is.

OP posts:
Original poster
Crewton · 24/08/2022 10:43

The reason I am so upset is because of how it felt. I was standing in a shower naked with a door wide open (quite a long way from the shower) with the guest room just across the hall. It was horrible.

I do think there’s a power aspect there. I didn’t think he was like that but now am thinking he is.

OP posts:
Original poster
Crewton · 24/08/2022 10:43

The reason I am so upset is because of how it felt. I was standing in a shower naked with a door wide open (quite a long way from the shower) with the guest room just across the hall. It was horrible.

I do think there’s a power aspect there. I didn’t think he was like that but now am thinking he is.

OP posts:
RichardsGear · 24/08/2022 10:43

"Break the lock"?! This is getting ridiculous! Surely you'd put the lock on explaining that it's for your privacy because you're sick of him walking in on you in the shower. If he breaks the lock to get in after that then you're married to a psychopath.

Original poster
Crewton · 24/08/2022 10:44

Sorry - MN having a moment, apparently Hmm

OP posts:
RichardsGear · 24/08/2022 10:44

Also I asked before - do your in-laws use this shower? I would think a lock would be better for everyone?

Want2beme · 24/08/2022 10:46

YANBU. I understand, as someone who is very private when it comes to the bathroom and have been since I was a child. It's just the way I am. My DP instinctively knows this, thankfully, and never enters when I'm in there. I do the same with him, even though he wouldn't care if I did bother him in there.

I'm not sure what the answer is for you, as he doesn't seem to register your discomfort. Flush his head down the loo the next time he does itGrin

Augend23 · 24/08/2022 10:48

Just put a lock on the door. If he breaks down the door to get in you have a real problem.

If you don't have a lock he's probably just inconsiderate. Not ideal but it will take about 5 mins to fit a bolt and you can even buy one off eBay if a trip to Screwfix is too annoying

ZeroFuchsGiven · 24/08/2022 10:50

Crewton · 24/08/2022 09:34

I really honestly appreciate people are trying to help but I’m not asking about the lock, if I need to I can do that today, I’m wondering how normal this all is. That’s what I’m asking. I really don’t want or need solutions to keep him out.

You are asking how 'normal' this is but honestly its not 'normal' to not have a lock on the bathroom door Confused

NettleTea · 24/08/2022 10:52

you say it started since DD was born, and happens all the time now. Its not unusual for abuse to start when a child is born. And if you think he would burst the lock, and you think there is a power trip going on, then I think you need to be having a look at the relationship

theemmadilemma · 24/08/2022 10:52

We don't have a lock on our bathroom, and no DH has never in the 2 years in this house with no lock ever come in while I'm in there. Not once.

Gandalflight · 24/08/2022 10:55

Try this:

if you have a group of friends, males and females alike, enlist them to be nearby when your husband is in the showers. Then let them parade in the hall, wander into the bathroom, get eye contact with his naked, shivering self, trying to cover up and when he explodes, say: 'Well, I guess it is thoughtless of me not to think about your modesty. But I can't remember everything, now can I?'

Then he will install the lock. If you don't have friends, hire actors. And pay them to really violate his boundaries with catcalls and unwanted attention. That might just make him wake up to how you feel.

If it doesn't work, divorce him. You are not in a healthy relationship if your DH is amused by you feeling violated and exposed.

Original poster
Crewton · 24/08/2022 10:56

I’ll tell the previous owners someone on MN doesn’t think they are normal, then, @ZeroFuchsGiven . We’ve only been here for four days.

But regardless of someone who isn’t me thinking I’m not normal (did you point and jeer at the kids at school without branded trainers too?) that’s not what my thread is about.

OP posts:
Johnnysgirl · 24/08/2022 10:57

Crewton · 24/08/2022 09:17

I’m not really asking for solutions, though. I shouldn’t have to barricade myself into places to stop people coming in, surely!

But it seems you do, and you've been offered a solution.