To expect some privacy in the bathroom?

[Crewton]

Every time I am in the shower DH comes in. It’s usually to ask me about something I can’t find.

This morning he did it and then left the bathroom door open. PIL are in the guest room and if they’d come out of their bedroom I’d have Been seen stark naked in the shower. I completely lost my shit with him.

We don’t have a lock for safety (toddler can lock herself in but can’t unlock it) but regardless surely a bit of basic respect should apply here.

@katishot i am at the point of walking out and going for a hotel for the night. That’s how upset and angry I am about it. I’m not really in the mood to be going to DIY shops and putting locks on doors because the man who I took for better or worse thinks so little of me he doesn’t care if I am humiliated and upset. That’s all I am. A piece of something and who cares if it’s seen naked and vulnerable. That’s how I feel. So no I don’t want to talk about door locks.

You're not overreacting. This is about basic respect for another person. Your husband doesn't seem to have that for you. I'd be livid, personally. Him leaving you alone in the bathroom is not a big ask.

Or if maybe I am overreacting and like I say other couples do this, it’s normal, they aren’t bothered

It is irrelevant what other couples do. You don't like it. Therefore it needs to stop.
Have your own boundaries in place, not other people's.

There are couples where one will merrily shit away on the toilet chatting to the other washing their genitals in the shower. And there are couples who want complete privacy and people in between.
But it's what you want that matters.

But the op’s dh isn’t mistakenly wandering in, he’s actively seeking her out when she’s in the bathroom!

Tou are absolutely NOT being unreasonable expecting basic privacy

i am at the point of walking out and going for a hotel for the night

Go then.
Honestly, if you've had enough of it. Go. Give yourself a break.
It sounds to me like there is way more going on in this relationship than this incident with the bathroom and the lack of lock.

I think I asked you in my other post what other boundaries of yours he tramples on? Is it just this, or are there other things?

Do you have a removable shower hose? Next time he does that spray him with the shower (on cold)

You shouldn't need a lock for your privacy to be respected.

OP, do you mind him coming in while you're showing? Is it him bothering you while you're in your own head enjoying the shower that bothers you, or the fact that he doesn't shut the door properly on his way out? Have you spelled it out to him?

I was married for 25 years. We were never in the bathroom at the same time. (Did have two bathrooms, but I don't think having only one would have made a difference.)

I also agree that what other people do is irrelevant. It's what you feel that matters.

Just put a lock on the door that your child can’t reach! A simple hook at the top of the door will suffice.

What’s not normal is for a partner to disrespect your boundaries. It doesn’t matter if your DP doesn’t mind ppl wandering in when he’s in the shower. You do and he should respect that. Decent partners don’t want their partners to feel uncomfortable.

Do you expect your dh to put a lock on the door rather than putting one on yourself?
I agree, I’d be fuming if my dh walked in the bathroom when I was in the shower or on the loo. That’s why I lock the door. So does he. In fact, I was the one who bought the lock but he fitted it as I’m pretty crap with power tools 😂

Every time I am in the shower DH comes in. It’s usually to ask me about something I can’t find.

I assume you mean its about something he can't find? I wonder if you have become the easy solution to all his "lost item" problems because you are helping every time he asks rather than telling him you don't know. If the adult you're living with never knows where anything is it's usually because they are not involved in organising the house or don't think it's their job to remember such trivial things; why would they when they can rely on the the other adult to always tell them where things are and save them the bother.

Start telling him you don't know where things are and put a lock on the door. Yes it's disrespectful and clearly discussing it isn't helping so start acting in a way which makes disturbing you less convenient for him.

If you have told him to stop and he is still doing it, then yes you do have a relationship problem.

No, you shouldn't have to but he's not listening to you when you tell him.

So, in the short term, you'll have to find a way to physically stop him.

In the long term, you decide if this is something you can put up with.

Or if maybe I am overreacting and like I say other couples do this, it’s normal, they aren’t bothered

I've only read about houses with no locks on bathrooms and toilets on here. I think most people don't have this specific problem but it's not uncommon for spouses to be thoughtless and do something like not mention that their IL has a key so to put the keys in the lock from the inside so they can't just walk in.

Yanbu to be angry. It sounds like you need a rule of leaving people alone if they are in the toilet/bathroom unless the house is burning down or something. Something tells me that yoir toddler will learn that before your h. I have a child with ADHD who can be very forgetful but he understood unwritten rules like close the door if you leave a room where the door was closed when you entered.

Again, it is entirely normal to want to have privacy in the shower!
I would hate a bathroom without a lock. Do your in-laws use this shower as well? I would feel uncomfortable in their shoes that someone might inadvertently come in while I was in the shower.

@Soontobe60 what the fuck is wrong with you?!

Eh????

If it's just this, then he's being rude and thoughtless, if he transgresses your boundaries in other situations it's a bigger problem. I believe some men get off on overstepping women's boundaries.

If it's the first scenario while you are 100% right to feel pissed off, you need a lock.

If it's the second, you need a conversation, possibly several.

I'm with you OP. In this house, DH and DD have a habit of walking in when I'm on the loo or in the shower. I get precious little time to myself and wish the bathroom was sacrosanct. There was a bolt, it broke out of the wall and hasn't been fixed. I'm going to see if I can fix it. A door stop might work.

DP and I would wander in to the bathroom to chat or ask something if we knew the other person was having a bath/shower and not a poo! Also have a toddler who might need a nappy change so we'd go in for that. We would both probably knock first if the door was closed though.

However, if either of us had said we didn't like it and would prefer if the other didn't do it in future then we would definitely definitely respect that and not just swan in and out still. You shouldn't have to add a lock. Does he trample over your boundaries in other ways?

He’s coming in for a perve using the excuse that he needs to ask you something. I know this because my DH used to do the exact same thing. Ask a random question, brush his teeth, look for something in the bathroom he had to have right there and then. He finally admitted it after I had had enough and snapped. I bet it makes you feel like an object, not respected and not loved. That’s why ‘solving’ the problem with a lock is not actually solving anything.

I had an ex like this that I lived with, it was suffocating - he’d follow me around the house, couldn’t leave me alone or in peace ever, it drove me mad and was one of the reasons we broke up.

id really hammer it home with your dp that it’s a big issue for you and you need some alone time.

yes I think this is more the issue. or there is some kind of power / ownership thing going on. To be naked when someone else is fully clothed puts you into a vulnerable situation, irrespective that he is your husband. You have told him multiple times and yet it seems he always comes in.

so no. It doesnt matter what others do/dont do. You have told him that it makes you uncomfortable, and for that reason alone, he needs to respect it.

But I would buy a lock and put it up high, and it will become aparent quickly as to what extent this is a problem - is it the 'I cant find something' that is the issue (he will still be able to call through the door and get an answer) or is it because he wants a look and likes the control (in which case he will be angry that youve locked him out)

I think differentiating between the two levels of disprespect will be the decider as to where you go./ The latter is bloody irritating and needs nipping in the bud, but the second is seriously moving towards LTB territory