To expect some privacy in the bathroom?

[Crewton]

Every time I am in the shower DH comes in. It’s usually to ask me about something I can’t find.

This morning he did it and then left the bathroom door open. PIL are in the guest room and if they’d come out of their bedroom I’d have Been seen stark naked in the shower. I completely lost my shit with him.

We don’t have a lock for safety (toddler can lock herself in but can’t unlock it) but regardless surely a bit of basic respect should apply here.

OP the situation you describe is like a waking nightmare, being in your underwear in front of your school for example, but worse because it actually happened. I'm agog that he left the door open! You do need a strong lock, if he breaks it that tells you something. You need a grovelling apology for the situation he left you in. Did he at least come back and close the door?

You said you didn’t have a lock on the door for safety because of your toddler…

Now you’ve just been in the house 4 days?

Your DH is a complete arsehole.

But I can’t say it’s something that happens to me in this or any other relationship I’ve been in … because, you guessed it, I lock the bathroom door. 🤷🏻‍♀️

He does it because he can, its become normal for him, have you asked him not to come in before. Its not nice for your visitors either and when you child grows up they should expect privacy.

I honestly can’t even imagine having a shower in a bathroom that didn’t lock, with my in-laws wandering about the house. 😳

Put a small bolt an inch down from the top of the door.

PIL's in the guest bedroom 4 days after moving in?

DH did this for a while so I just started locking the door. Like my privacy, plus it's a tiny bathroom.

I tend to do an exaggerated version when people refuse to listen to my request not to do something. In this case, everytime he was in the bathroom I'd walk past and swing the door wide open. After sufficient incidents he may decide to agree that when the door is shut, you don't just waltz on in.

I wouldn’t like this either, but clearly the lock on the door high enough for your toddler not to be able to reach it solves this problem. He would Obviously no you are fitting a lock and you can use your words to tell him you are using it so he’s not going to ‘be confused and break it anyway’.

It would be normal for some couples and it wouldn't be normal for others. Everyone has their own preferences and boundaries.

I don't feel embarrassed or vulnerable in the shower at all if my DP comes in. He hardly ever does come in, but on the rare occasions he does I don't think twice about it. He'd always have a genuine reason if he did. I never lock the door.

But I am someone who likes a bit of time alone to do my own thing, and for that reason it would annoy me if he made a habit of it and was just coming in for the sake of it. For me, it would be a bit like being interrupted every time I sat down to read a book for ten minutes, if you see what I mean, or having someone standing over me and watching me for no reason while I was, say, making myself a sandwich.

I think the problem here is that you have told your DH that you don't like him doing this, and he refuses to stop. Regardless of whether he thinks it's normal or not, you don't like it and for that reason he shouldn't bloody do it. He's taking away your bodily autonomy by coming in and gawping at you when you want to be left alone.

He should respect your privacy

We would occasionally go in if the other is in the bathroom but only if urgent and would always knock and ask and wait for the the other to say ok. Not for something that can wait.

Have you asked him not to come in? You shouldn’t need a lock.

You're right. This is not about locks. This is about your 'DH' have zero respect for you.

It's also about control. "You're mine and I can come in and perv at you any time I want."

I completely lost my shit with him.

Don't blame you! How did he respond.

And yes to going to a hotel for a night. He can tell PIL why.

I would be cross about this too. Even if you were fine with him coming in (which you have said you are not!) leaving the door open is so thoughtless.

Steam escaping through my open bathroom door sets our smoke alarm off, as I discovered years ago as a new mum trying to keep my sleeping newborn in sight, so I'm twitching at the memory of dripping my way downstairs to the twin sirens of the alarm and my now angrily awake baby, and jabbing at the control panel like a particularly fraught episode of the Crystal Maze. None of which is relevant here of course but that was my shower trauma! 😅

I would spell out in simple terms that you do not want to be interrupted in the bathroom and not set any exceptions for this. I hope he has more respect for your other boundaries.

PS: I've been with my DP for four years and we happily walk around and sleep naked. But I would never burst in on him in the bathroom. We respect each other's space and privacy. Your DH is being totally intrusive.

It’s a power play.

My ex husband (abusive) would always, always come in and have a shit if I took a bath. Without fail.

We don’t have a lock on our shower room door either, but DH would never come in while I was showering (unless invited) and vice versa.

@Crewton

I was going to make a joke about putting a bolt on the door, but I think you're past finding any humour in this situation 💐

You ask if it's 'normal'. Well I imagine it's a split of 50:50 whether people mind their spouse sanding in/out when they're in the bathroom. I don't. But I'm not living with a complete arse, you seem to be!

but I imagine it's pretty much unanimous that people would not like the door left wide open so that others had a full view of them naked in the shower.

This can't be the only issue in your marriage.

you say you've just moved. How much say did YOU get in the new house purchase??

WTAF are your inlaws there so soon? Unless you invited them & they're great, helpful people.

@Crewton

I'm pretty sure I get where you're coming from. My dh does this, every single time I go for a shower, he walks in to have a chat, ask me a question, brush his teeth. He then leaves the door wide open, I have a teenage son in the house.

Sometimes he comes to have a conversation with me while I'm brushing my teeth too and keeps on when I don't answer him because I'm brushing my fucking teeth.

I'm not shy or conscious about nudity or my body in front of my husband whatsoever.

But it's like why do they have to pick that exact moment to speak? I find it almost needy that I can't disappear for 10 minutes alone without someone wanting me. I don't mind if it's a genuine need like someone's desperate for a wee or something very important, but usually it can always wait until I'm done.

My husband also rings me constantly every time he or I go into a shop asking what I'd consider to be pointless questions, like are chopped tomorrow ok instead of plum or shall I buy a different brand of bread.

Dh is trying to stop doing it because I e asked him not to. Will your husband listen to you? I think that's the key.

I think if he knows you don't like it then your relationship or your husband is the problem. The reason people are suggesting locks is that it overcomes the issue in that he cannot come in if it is locked. We have locks on our bathroom doors and in spite of being married 40 years if the door is shut then we don't go in if the other is in there. Other couples may be more relaxed.

No you shouldn’t but some people just won’t accept that not everyone is okay with being disturbed in the loo and you’ll have to make it very obvious that you’re one one of them.

Appalling behaviour on your DH's part and I'm upset for you. I had a vaguely similar experience that my DH kept wandering out of our bedroom and leading the door open when his teenage DDs were there. I could be in a state of undress. His daughters were particularly opinionated about weight and body image and had made some pointed nasty remarks about my pregnancy weight gain.

I was very annoyed that he continued to do it, felt disrespected and overlooked.

Is this a symptom of a bigger problem in your marriage? In my situation it was. I hope you're ok.

The thing is, it is not a one off. It is every single time, without fail. I suspect if I did lock it he’d be confused and break the lock anyway.

He sounds a prick!

Are you worried that even if you get a lock he will find another way to annoy you?

I'm not bothered by DH wandering in to the bathroom if I'm in the shower and it wouldn't occur to me to lock the door. But it doesn't matter that I feel like that or whether that is "normal" or not. It's a problem for you and he's totally not respecting it. So no, regardless of what any other couples do YANBU to feel how you do.

The leaving the door open when there are guests in the house I would be furious about.

I think you have 2 issues

1. Is the general level of privacy/nudity which is an individual thing, but if you as a couple don't wander round half undressed when you are there alone then no he shouldn't just wander I to the bathroom (my husband of 20+ years would not do that nor I to him...)

1. A lack for respect from your husband in general. If you've asked him, and told him not to do something because it makes you feel vulnerable then he absolutely does not respect you and it is a power play to continue doing this.

Who leaves a bathroom door open on a woman for his dad to get an eyeful when he innocently walks out of a bedroom anyway...

If you think it's the way to make yourself heard go for it with the hotel. Make him respect you (or make it very clear that he has no intention of to make it easier for you to make your own choices)

Have you sat him down and explained why you don't want him coming in while you are showering? Because for many couples it would be perfectly normal. Not saying you are wrong for wanting the privacy, some people do and others really don't mind.

If you haven't asked him clearly to stop, then this is your problem.

Me and my partner will enter the bathroom for a chat or brush our teeth whilst the other is in the shower. Don’t have any issues either way.

But I would be very annoyed if he left the door open if we had people over / guests staying with us.

Its also your boundaries and what you’re comfortable with. If you don’t like it happening, then it shouldn’t be happening. And you need to have a chat with him about it and set those boundaries.