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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect some privacy in the bathroom?

202 replies

Crewton · 24/08/2022 09:07

Every time I am in the shower DH comes in. It’s usually to ask me about something I can’t find.

This morning he did it and then left the bathroom door open. PIL are in the guest room and if they’d come out of their bedroom I’d have Been seen stark naked in the shower. I completely lost my shit with him.

We don’t have a lock for safety (toddler can lock herself in but can’t unlock it) but regardless surely a bit of basic respect should apply here.

OP posts:
katishot · 24/08/2022 11:54

Putting a bolt on the door because he can't respect your wishes is not going to solve the wider issue that he doesn't care what she wants

No, of course it isn't . But it is a quick fix to the problem of him walking in all the time and leaving the door open meaning that PILs and other guests can see her showering. It solves that immediately. I don't know why the OP doesn't do this.

However, there are a lot of deeper issues here and I think he is a disrespectful prick and I'm not surprised the OP is at the end of her tether with him. And I'd lay money on there being all kinds of other examples of his disrespect.
That is not easy to fix and won't be fixed by the lock on the door.

KettrickenSmiled · 24/08/2022 11:59

ZeroFuchsGiven · 24/08/2022 10:50

You are asking how 'normal' this is but honestly its not 'normal' to not have a lock on the bathroom door Confused

Show quote history

Jeeze.
Someone needs a quick refresher about the meaning of consent.

OP - pay no mind to that post.
If every single PP on your thread enjoyed showering al fresco with the entire street watching & applauding - that still does not make your desire for privacy "not normal".

Novum · 24/08/2022 12:05

Crewton · 24/08/2022 09:37

@katishot i am at the point of walking out and going for a hotel for the night. That’s how upset and angry I am about it. I’m not really in the mood to be going to DIY shops and putting locks on doors because the man who I took for better or worse thinks so little of me he doesn’t care if I am humiliated and upset. That’s all I am. A piece of something and who cares if it’s seen naked and vulnerable. That’s how I feel. So no I don’t want to talk about door locks.

Have you explained this to your husband? What does he say?

KettrickenSmiled · 24/08/2022 12:05

This morning he did it and then left the bathroom door open. PIL are in the guest room and if they’d come out of their bedroom I’d have Been seen stark naked in the shower. I completely lost my shit with him.

& how did he respond to you losing your shit OP?
I'll bet he DARVO'd you -
(Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim & Offender) & huffed & puffed about how YOU were in the wrong for reacting to his behaviour?

Because I think you are correct in believing there is something ... pathological going on with his shower invasion - because you say he does it every single time.

It doesn't matter what he thinks about your wish for privacy. It only matters that he respects it.
In what other ways does he undermine you day-to-day, & what other dominance displays does he enjoy performing at you?

slowquickstep · 24/08/2022 12:17

Why on earth don't you have a lock high up on the door?

KettrickenSmiled · 24/08/2022 12:25

slowquickstep · 24/08/2022 12:17

Why on earth don't you have a lock high up on the door?

😂 CANCEL THE CHEQUE!!!

ZeroFuchsGiven · 24/08/2022 12:30

Crewton · 24/08/2022 10:56

I’ll tell the previous owners someone on MN doesn’t think they are normal, then, @ZeroFuchsGiven . We’ve only been here for four days.

But regardless of someone who isn’t me thinking I’m not normal (did you point and jeer at the kids at school without branded trainers too?) that’s not what my thread is about.

He has been doing it since your dd was born?

You dont have a lock because your dd is a toddler and can lock herself in?

You have only lived in that house for 4 days?

Either my maths is shit or you are talking shit, not sure which.

Original poster
Crewton · 24/08/2022 12:33

Or I’m just a piece of shit. Probably.

OP posts:
Original poster
Crewton · 24/08/2022 12:37

But anyway. When DD was born we had a house with an en suite. It was really large for an en suite. I used to shower about 9, he’d come in. So I just started showering earlier. It didn’t feel quite as bad because the shower was in a glass cube, not sure what the correct term is but when it was steamed up you couldn’t see much.

Now we’ve moved. PIL are helping with the move. There’s no lock on the door. I accept the lack of this is absolute definitive proof I am weird. Bizarre. Shall I add a few lovely insults I remember from school, tramp, scrubber, scruff?

But I wasn’t posting to ask about the lock on the door. And I get it probably seems really funny to some people, it’s not really funny to me. I’m really in quite a lot of distress.

OP posts:
Maray1967 · 24/08/2022 12:41

Have you sat him down and told him not to walk in? Very clearly?If do, what did he say? We didn’t have a lock on when our DC were young but we do now. It’s less the shower thing but more bring on the toilet but I don’t want DH walking in.

RichardsGear · 24/08/2022 12:42

Have you actually laid it on the line to him that this (understandably) pisses you off so much? If so, was he dismissive of concerns?
I get that you feel you shouldn't be obliged to take physical steps to avoid this happening, but as an instant fix it is the only way. Then you work out the way forward, whether he's going to listen to you and respect your wishes especially if there's then overspill into other areas.

Peridot1 · 24/08/2022 12:43

What does he say when you ask him not to do it? I’d be upset and annoyed too. I think most people would be. Even if PILs weren’t in the house. We all have a right to privacy.

allinatizzy · 24/08/2022 12:49

If it's been happening for a while and you've asked him to stop, very clearly and slowly and in a way that he can't mistake... If he understands that you hate it, even if he can't comprehend why, and he still persists in doing it, that's a problem.

As for how big of a problem and what you should do about it, that depends on the context of the rest of the relationship. I don't like it when DH comes in while I'm showering, but it's not that big of a problem (for me). If it bothered me enough that I told him seriously that I wanted him to stop, I'd expect him to respect that.

In a relationship that was otherwise good but he still had a habit of interrupting my showers, I'd probably just put up a bolt or using a doorstopper to sidestep the issue entirely. However, if your husband is stupid or scary enough to try to knock down a door after you've effectively locked it, the relationship can't be very good.

KosherDill · 24/08/2022 12:51

mattressspring · 24/08/2022 09:12

Just put a bolt lock up where she can't reach it. The real problem is that he doesn't respect you.

This.

Absolutely no one comes into the bathroom when I'm using it, and I've always made that clear to boyfriends/lovers.

He can wait for what he wants. Or would, if he respected you.

KosherDill · 24/08/2022 12:52

Flatandhappy · 24/08/2022 09:25

My DH used to always come in when I was in the bathroom too, not for anything in particular, just to do his teeth etc.and it drove me nuts so I feel your pain. In the end I would say "are you finished in the bathroom before I shower/do my make up?" or "shall I use DD's bathroom to shower or are you finished in ours?" and he eventually got the hint that I would not be going into the bathroom if he was. I know it's a bit different for you because he is not actually needing the bathroom so I would be inclined to say "do you need anything from me before I go shower?" etc.

Why "hint"??

Just tell him flat out.

KosherDill · 24/08/2022 12:53

Crewton · 24/08/2022 09:33

The point in moaning about it is wondering if it’s something I should be concerned about. Or if maybe I am overreacting and like I say other couples do this, it’s normal, they aren’t bothered.

It is not normal.

KosherDill · 24/08/2022 12:58

TheFeistyFeminist · 24/08/2022 10:05

I'm with you OP. In this house, DH and DD have a habit of walking in when I'm on the loo or in the shower. I get precious little time to myself and wish the bathroom was sacrosanct. There was a bolt, it broke out of the wall and hasn't been fixed. I'm going to see if I can fix it. A door stop might work.

Why do you tolerate this? Your basic dignity isn't respected?

I'd move the fuck out if my privacy were routinely breached this way.

KosherDill · 24/08/2022 12:59

RHOAD · 24/08/2022 10:24

It's my toddler that wont give me any privacy when I'm in the bathroom 🙄
OP I understand how you feel.

That's a training issue. Plenty of mums use the bathroom in private.

KosherDill · 24/08/2022 13:01

Crewton · 24/08/2022 10:37

The thing is, it is not a one off. It is every single time, without fail. I suspect if I did lock it he’d be confused and break the lock anyway.

So this morning DD had filled her nappy and he comes in asking where the wipes are. I told him and he went out to find them, leaving the door open in the process.

He has done it since DD was a newborn.

If it's every single time, and you think he'd break the lock, you have a major problem. Major problem.

onlymyselftoanswerto1 · 24/08/2022 13:06

He's not respecting your boundaries. You're right, why should you have to put a physical boundary in the way to stop him from doing it when you've told him you don't like it? If I knew my partner was having a shower or just in the bathroom for whatever reason I wouldn't have any idea if he'd locked the door - because I wouldn't be trying to get in in the first place!! (And vice versa- I rarely lock the door when I'm showering but he has never walked in on me - but if he did it would be a mistake and he's know I didn't appreciate it). I hope you can get it into his head that this could be a deal breaker!

KosherDill · 24/08/2022 13:11

Chilleddays · 24/08/2022 11:30

@Crewton

I'm pretty sure I get where you're coming from. My dh does this, every single time I go for a shower, he walks in to have a chat, ask me a question, brush his teeth. He then leaves the door wide open, I have a teenage son in the house.

Sometimes he comes to have a conversation with me while I'm brushing my teeth too and keeps on when I don't answer him because I'm brushing my fucking teeth.

I'm not shy or conscious about nudity or my body in front of my husband whatsoever.

But it's like why do they have to pick that exact moment to speak? I find it almost needy that I can't disappear for 10 minutes alone without someone wanting me. I don't mind if it's a genuine need like someone's desperate for a wee or something very important, but usually it can always wait until I'm done.

My husband also rings me constantly every time he or I go into a shop asking what I'd consider to be pointless questions, like are chopped tomorrow ok instead of plum or shall I buy a different brand of bread.

Dh is trying to stop doing it because I e asked him not to. Will your husband listen to you? I think that's the key.

"Almost@ needy???

I could not be with a clingy pest, period. It's just so unmanly.

TheOriginalClownfish · 24/08/2022 13:26

He comes in without fail, and often leaves the door wide open so others can see you.

That's deliberate. He's exposing you in order to humiliate you.

You could get a lock but the bigger issue is his attitude and the fact that he thinks he's got every right to do it to you like you are some sort of possession to him and he gets to decide the level of privacy you are entitled to.

He should have listened to you when you told him you don't like him doing that. He should have done that after the first time you asked and leave you the hell alone to shower.

It's not about privacy or prudeness, or showering. It's about respecting your wishes. And he's made it clear that your wishes are irrelevant to him.

Dilbertian · 24/08/2022 13:31

Crewton · 24/08/2022 09:33

The point in moaning about it is wondering if it’s something I should be concerned about. Or if maybe I am overreacting and like I say other couples do this, it’s normal, they aren’t bothered.

It doesn't matter if they aren't bothered. They aren't you. If you are bothered, it matters.

It's not clear to me whether you have told him explicitly:
to stay out of the bathroom while you are using it,
To knock and ask whether it's ok to talk
To shut the door when he leaves the bathroom while you are using it.

dunkery · 24/08/2022 13:31

I would disturb him every time he went into the bathroom and then leave the door wide open. Whether it was for a shower or the toilet.
If he left the door open I would immediately yell at him to come back and shut the door.

PearlclutchersInc · 24/08/2022 13:32

Does it really matter what other people do - if they put their hand in the fire would you do it?

If you don't like it, you don't like it. Tell him very pointedly and what you expect from him - that is not to do it.

(and then put a lock on the door......!)