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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want this holiday situation

211 replies

holidaynightmare · 24/08/2022 00:05

I'll keep it brief

My husband and I have 2 kids age 7 and 4
We haven't been abroad since before COVID so my little one has never been

It's my husbands 40th and so we thought we'd go away

My best friend is getting divorced - she has 2 kids and doesn't want to go on holiday on her own

She thinks she is coming with us and j keep getting "oh the kids will be so excited" and "I'll have to come over so we can look online together"

I have several issues with this the biggest being I want us as a family to go as a Family not with her and her 2 kids (age 10 and the sulkiest 14 year old on the planet!!)

However don't want to upset her she's had a rough time but I want us to have family time, particularly as it's hubby's 40th

Am I being unreasonable???

OP posts:
Honeysuckle9 · 24/08/2022 23:04

That’s really unfortunate OP. How long did your friend think she was going on holiday?

Original poster
holidaynightmare · 24/08/2022 23:37

Honeysuckle9 · 24/08/2022 23:04

That’s really unfortunate OP. How long did your friend think she was going on holiday?

A week or so
We have done a lot for her since she's been on her own
My DH hired a van )which she paid for) to help her move
We've had them over a lot for food

She just "assumed"
All very upsetting

OP posts:
ClaryFairchild · 24/08/2022 23:59

Well your update makes it clear she's an entitled CF who doesn't realise she's just cut off her supply of 'free assistance'!

Please tell us that regardless of whether she 'forgives' you or not you won't suddenly start helping her with everything again!!!

Dinoteeth · 25/08/2022 00:17

Op it's really sad that a friend would be like that. Messages via FB are just pathetic.

I'm with your DH if she is a true friend she won't end the friendship over this unless there are other issues that haven't been spoken about between you.

Excluding the dynamic of 2s company, 3s a crowd, I'm not convinced that a holiday would work with the age ranges of the children either.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 25/08/2022 04:59

She is now not speaking to me and made a Facebook post
About knowing who her true friends are

Unfortunately now you do too.

What a shame but it does sound as if she is a CF. I expect there are other behaviours and events over the years that you have put up with, because you didn't want to upset her.

I think your DH is right.

she now hates me never wants to see me again

How old is she? 13? Ridiculous behaviour from a grown woman.

malificent7 · 25/08/2022 05:50

Let her have a strop op. It's not normal to invite yourself on another couple's family holiday no matter what you've been through. She sounds like a 5 year old.

MsTSwift · 25/08/2022 07:00

Yeah behaving like a stroppy 13 year old that sounds like the ideal holiday companion.

You did the right thing. If I invited someone else and her kids on our family holiday for dh birthday I fear the friend and I would end up single mothers together! You help friends but Family first - this is way too much to ask.

Sswhinesthebest · 25/08/2022 08:51

You let her think for a week that she was going on holiday with you. You should have nipped it in the bud immediately she mentioned it, so I can sort of see why she’s upset.
Yanbu to say no though.

MichelleScarn · 25/08/2022 10:01

Definitely a stopping user of a 'friend' I wonder if her expectation was for a free holiday and that's why the huge sulk?

Freddiefox · 25/08/2022 10:11

I think she’s probably really embarrassed and feels rejected. Give her time ti come
round, but you let her believe for a week that you were all going on holiday together and the whole time you were thinking up ways ti tell her. She will know this know and is being defensive.

StillGoingStrongToday · 25/08/2022 10:49

dexterslockedintheshedagain · 24/08/2022 09:57

But why should OP and her family miss out on a holiday together, just because she has an entitled friend?

Show quote history

I’m not saying they should, just suggesting a polite way of making the point that the holiday is just a family one, but inviting the cheeky friend to a dinner for the birthday instead.

kateandme · 25/08/2022 13:55

If you didn’t make any such indication of this iit being the case,then left it for a week!? Sorry I see why she is upset.
and I can imagine she’d get a lot of empathy from those calling her entitled if she had her own post on here!

KettrickenSmiled · 25/08/2022 15:55

holidaynightmare · 24/08/2022 22:58

@Endlesslypatient82

I don't lack a Backbone I was trying desperately not to upset her she's had a terrible time I was trying not to add to the upset and she got
The wrong end of the stick

I've told her she now hates me never wants to see me again

We're in our 40's friends from nursery like age 2/3

Please try to understand how I'm feeling too

How was not telling her the facts going to help not upset her?

When it was clear that she had made a gigantic assumption that she was included on your family holiday, instead of calmly letting her know she had the wrong end of the stick, you let her bang on & on about it & get her hopes & excitement up.

So when you finally grew up enough to use your words, of course she was going to feel let down. How many days have you let her believe she was coming with you for?
And all because you wanted to avoid the discomfort of uttering a simple "no."

Frankly you both need to grow up. Your friend more than you, admittedly, given the pass-agg facebook update. Although whether it's wise to continue being freinds with a woman who is prepared to tell you she hates you for not taking her on holiday, is debatable. You're probably well shot of her.

KettrickenSmiled · 25/08/2022 15:57

holidaynightmare · 24/08/2022 23:37

A week or so
We have done a lot for her since she's been on her own
My DH hired a van )which she paid for) to help her move
We've had them over a lot for food

She just "assumed"
All very upsetting

Show quote history

FFS. So you have known for a full week that she thought she was included, & allowed her to continue with her delusion?

What were you saying about backbone again OP?

Endlesslypatient82 · 25/08/2022 16:03

Op…. Do you have a job? Other friends?

i am intrigued re how you get through life with your somewhat lacking communication skills

Endlesslypatient82 · 25/08/2022 16:03

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

angelfacecuti75 · 25/08/2022 18:22

What about a diplomatic but firm "Sorry luv, i know this might hurt your feelings but we just wanted to go on our own to spend time together as a family this time. " & then repeat as needed, ad infini

bloodyunicorns · 25/08/2022 18:43

You have done nothing wrong here. Your friend has completely overreacted.

And I hate stupid vaguebook posts too. So passive-aggressive.

Leave her to it. Let her come to you when she's calmed down.

MsTSwift · 25/08/2022 18:58

Anyone she recounts this to will be internally 🙄 and on your side!

Mummadeze · 25/08/2022 19:14

I am genuinely wondering what is scary about taking children on holiday on her own? I have only ever travelled solo with my DD and have never even thought about it as being anything other than fun?! Sorry she is being weird about your holiday. Sounds really guilt trippy and unfair.

niugboo · 25/08/2022 19:15

Are you two 13 year old?

Maryminx · 25/08/2022 19:22

Your friend is being very manipulative!
Yes, she has had a rough time but u must explain it is your family hols.
Tell her u really value her friendship but this is a special family trip, otherwise u will be setting a precedent for the future.
There are hols for single parents and I believe Gingerbread is a good group to join. Be strong !

Buffs · 25/08/2022 19:37

Your friend sounds highly manipulative. If you do make up do so with caution. You need very firm boundaries with friends like this.

Honeysuckle9 · 25/08/2022 19:39

Well if she only thought it for a week then she’s taking the piss and to be honest you may be better off without

ShedThirtySeven · 25/08/2022 19:50

Oh my goodness, no way are you in the wrong! That’s such a massive assumption from her, and a complete lack of empathy from her side as to what’s going to work for you. Bloody hell, she’s leeching you in her own sweet way! I’d be making moves away from this ‘friendship’!