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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want this holiday situation

211 replies

holidaynightmare · 24/08/2022 00:05

I'll keep it brief

My husband and I have 2 kids age 7 and 4
We haven't been abroad since before COVID so my little one has never been

It's my husbands 40th and so we thought we'd go away

My best friend is getting divorced - she has 2 kids and doesn't want to go on holiday on her own

She thinks she is coming with us and j keep getting "oh the kids will be so excited" and "I'll have to come over so we can look online together"

I have several issues with this the biggest being I want us as a family to go as a Family not with her and her 2 kids (age 10 and the sulkiest 14 year old on the planet!!)

However don't want to upset her she's had a rough time but I want us to have family time, particularly as it's hubby's 40th

Am I being unreasonable???

OP posts:
MassiveSalad22 · 24/08/2022 06:51

Just book it and don’t tell her anything about it and have a good time!

Mumspair1 · 24/08/2022 06:52

ClaryFairchild · 24/08/2022 03:02

So basically she thinks she's going with you because she has decided she is, and you've not actually told her "no".

You need to speak up. Sooner rather than later.

There is no issue because you are being a real doormat here. You are leading her on because you haven't said anything. Use your words and tell her firmly that it's a family holiday.

jeaux90 · 24/08/2022 06:52

As a single mum myself OP I know how intimidating it is the first time you go away on your own, however...

Yes tell her it is a family only trip but maybe you could all go another time.

In the meantime explain there are quite a few companies that organise holidays for groups of single parents.

But I never did this. I always went on my own with mine, booked DD into kids club and we both had a fantastic time both together and some time apart.

She'll find a new sense of confidence either way. She'll be fine.

Have a wonderful trip with your DH and kids.

LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL · 24/08/2022 06:55

Allmarbleslost · 24/08/2022 06:45

You should have nipped this in the bud straight away really op. Speak to her asap before she tells her kids all about the wonderful holiday they're not going to have!

This! Don't let it carry on.

A "we've decided it's going to be just the four of us", will suffice.

But do it, stop letting her think she's going to be holidaying with you, that's actually unkind and not being a good friend.

Mindymomo · 24/08/2022 07:27

Can you afford a mini break with just you and your DC and friend and hers and say sorry DH wants his 40th with just us, but happy to do something together after.

balalake · 24/08/2022 07:28

Just say no politely and promptly. You have not had a holiday as a family in three years.

OnTheBrinkOfChange · 24/08/2022 07:30

Just say it's not much of a birthday celebration for him to go away with my best friend and her kids!

SunshineAndFizz · 24/08/2022 07:35

Definitely address this asap (send her a message today).

"Hi friend, with it being DP's big birthday we've decided to just have a holiday with the family this time, I hope you understand. But we'd love to do something with you and the kids any other time soon."

Twiglets1 · 24/08/2022 07:42

Blame it on your husband they he says just your family. But say you and her can have a girls long weekend away together without the kids as long as she can source some childcare

Welshrarebitontoast · 24/08/2022 07:44

You’re her friend, not her Mum.

Text her/call her today and tell her that she’s misunderstood and that’s it’s a family holiday to celebrate a 40th birthday. If you want to soften the blow “we’ll definitely do drinks/get together when we get back”.

You are under no obligation to plan weekends away/second trips because your friend doesn’t want to take responsibility for taking her children on holiday on her own.
If she feels her kids are missing out she’s plan and take them on holiday with or without you.

OneToThree · 24/08/2022 07:46

Chatting to dh last night and we’ve decided we definitely want this holiday to just be the 4 of us, sorry.

Seafretfreda · 24/08/2022 07:51

I wouldn’t say anything. It’s wildly inappropriate for her to assume and invite herself on your DH’s 40th birthday trip -
who does that? If she asks, I’d go down the line of - thought you were joking…

ManateeFair · 24/08/2022 07:55

Does she actually think she is coming with you, or is she just heavily hinting that she’d like to and hoping for an invitation? There’s a big difference between those two things.

anotherpotoftea · 24/08/2022 07:56

OneToThree · 24/08/2022 07:46

Chatting to dh last night and we’ve decided we definitely want this holiday to just be the 4 of us, sorry.

Do NOT say sorry! That implies you have something to apologise for and you don’t

MassiveSalad22 · 24/08/2022 07:56

To me that sounds like her coming along was an option, and DH has vetoed it.

MassiveSalad22 · 24/08/2022 07:56

(Quote didn’t work, that was to OneToThree ‘s suggestion)

rookiemere · 24/08/2022 07:57

Just tell her using the reasons you've stated here about your family getting little time together.

RinskeD · 24/08/2022 08:00

Oh FFS - just tell her that isn't what you want to do, you are looking forward to time away as a family. Rinse and repeat.

user1471538283 · 24/08/2022 08:07

You need to tell her straight and then wait for the long tale of how disappointed her kids will be.

For me one of the best bits of being a single parent was the holidays just my DS and I. We had such fun even when he was small.

Surplus2requirements · 24/08/2022 08:08

Why are so many suggesting blaming DH for not wanting her to come?

OP doesn't want her coming, it's a family holiday and perfectly reasonable to not want others tagging along, just say so.

SpiderinaWingMirror · 24/08/2022 08:10

You need to use your words.
"We have booked for me and dh/kids. We want to spend DH birthday as a family"
No more than that should be needed. I have to say I have been in your shoes. There are some people who think "no harm in asking" and some people who find saying no tough. You are incompatible in this regard.

Rowen32 · 24/08/2022 08:13

You really need to tell her now, it's very unfair to have her think she's going - all it needed was a 'oh gosh no insert name we're going by ourselves' at the time - you really need to tell her today OP

SurpriseSurprise · 24/08/2022 08:15

Tell her you’ve decided this trip is just for you guys but you’d happily go to Butlins with her for a long weekend with the kids!

Honeysuckle9 · 24/08/2022 08:18

I feel quite sorry for your friend but you are fully entitled to say No and go with just your own family. Personally I always like our holidays to be ‘just us’ as we have very busy lives

DurhamDurham · 24/08/2022 08:18

Your friend sounds excited (and a bit pushy) so to be kind you have to nip this in the bud now. The longer you leave it the worse it'll be for both of you. You'll be frustrated and she'll be hurt that you didn't tell her sooner.

If you come back on here next year saying you're all on holiday together and it's a nightmare you'll only have yourself to blame Grin