To not want this holiday situation

[holidaynightmare]

I'll keep it brief

My husband and I have 2 kids age 7 and 4
We haven't been abroad since before COVID so my little one has never been

It's my husbands 40th and so we thought we'd go away

My best friend is getting divorced - she has 2 kids and doesn't want to go on holiday on her own

She thinks she is coming with us and j keep getting "oh the kids will be so excited" and "I'll have to come over so we can look online together"

I have several issues with this the biggest being I want us as a family to go as a Family not with her and her 2 kids (age 10 and the sulkiest 14 year old on the planet!!)

However don't want to upset her she's had a rough time but I want us to have family time, particularly as it's hubby's 40th

Am I being unreasonable???

How on earth do some people function in daily life when they cannot say a simple "no" or speak up for themselves.

Fuck blaming DH, you have a voice OP, bloody use it!

Mumsnet has revealed to me that people have very different perspectives on what constitutes a best friend.

Best friend for so many on mumsnet seems to be my idea of low level enemy

Just be honest with her, you’re celebrating DHs 40th with a family holiday with him and not inviting anyone else. You can always ask her to go away with you and the kids for a couple of nights while DH is away.

Is there a reason you haven't actually spoken to her and told her no?

It is bloody scary going on holiday on your own though.

No, it's not at all. I've been doing it for years, both with DS and by myself.

She just has to bite the bullet and do it.

You cannot expect someone to come and hold your hand when you're divorced.
Sometimes, no problem. But being divorced is learning to stand on your own two feet.

@R3d Eh?

Just say no you big wet lettuce! This is a family holiday, how about we do something else with children then book centre parks or something similar (cheaper!)

I can’t imagine somebody doing this why didn’t you just say are we are going to go by ourselves

“Bloody scary going on holiday on your own”

wtf?

I am a single parent and I honestly look on with pity when I see married couples bickering by the pool when I’m just chilling out with my children, no drama, no tension etc.

Quite. I don’t know anyone from any social group or class who would on hearing a friend talking about a family holiday assume they could tag along. It’s not our social convention.

Overshare?

telling your best friend about your holiday plan for your DH’s 40th?

You are unreasonable for asking this. Just plan your family holiday without discussing it with her. Next time when she’ll mention it tell her clearly that you are not planning to go with her or someone else , it’s your family holiday.
Don’t make your DH a bad guy, by the way, saying he doesn’t want them to come. It’s your family holiday and full stop.

There should be something similar to the Freedom Program but for dealing with cheeky fuckers.

aka “how not to be spineless”

You need to tell her and soon.

For both your sakes you need to address this now and make it clear that a joint holiday is not what your family wants this time as it’s a treat for your DH’s special birthday.

If she questions you , I suggest you say you wouldn’t like your special birthday holiday to be shared with one of your DH’s friends bringing much older children along. The whole holiday dynamics are totally different when going away with children of your youngsters’ ages compared to the ages of her children.

This way you nip it in the bud quickly and take out any sting or suggestion of dislike or rejection. It just won’t work and leave it at that.

If you feel bad, FWIW I think she’s been very pushy at best and remarkably self centred at worst, so please prioritise yourself and your own family, much as she is doing in suggesting this!

😂😂😂

I regularly laugh at these kind of threads on MN. Who are all these CFs and where did the OPs lose their spines to not just laugh it off in the first place and say 'Yeah, not this time Sandra - DH and I need a bit of alone time if know what I mean? 😉 that tells the CF that they definitely don't want to be playing gooseberry.

Just say no. You'll live to regret it otherwise.

Given that you've said absolutely nothing to your friend and she's now angling to spend time with you to look at places, what are you going to say?

Please don't tell us you're going to just sit back and accept it?

So I just said oh it's DH's 40th birthday next year so I'm going to plan something special for him and I'm met with a barrage of Oh We'd love to come, the kids would be so excited, Where shall we go, Im not confident taking the kids on my own

I really can't get my head around why at that point you didn't just interrupt her straight away and say "oh no, sorry I think you've misunderstood". YANBU for not wanting your friend and her kids to come along at all. But YABU to sit there and say nothing, or actively play along with it and let this go on for...how long since this conversation happened, OP? Days? Weeks? She may have told her kids by now. The longer you leave it the more awkward it will be so you really do need to speak up.

Why on earth did you not just say sorry x, I think you misunderstood. I was just talking about holiday plans. I wasn't suggesting we go together.

Can’t you just reply something like
‘this one’s going to be a family one for dh birthday but I would love to do a weekend holiday with you and the kids at some point too’

I really feel for the OP. Of course she cannot simply say to her friend (in not so many words) ''no you cannot come'', no matter how the OP dresses it up, that is basically what she is saying. Its a really awkward situation. The OP feels awkward, her friend has put the OP in a very awkward situation. And I am sure when the friend is going on about the holiday and saying how she is coming, the OP is not going to/hasn't replied with 'no you are not' type of thing. OP has probably just sat there and smiled sweetly while quietly thinking/screaming inside to herself ''WTAF'' (and I totally get that). I'm sorry OP, I don't know how you get out of this one without upsetting your friend and probably pissing her off for seemingly letting her down (even though the friend has in effect let herself down by assuming she is being invited).

I would totally blame my DH and say that he wants it to just be the 4 of you but also suggest a holiday away with you, her and the kids if you can afford a second holiday. The problem with this is that you are then left having to fund a second holiday and paying out more money to go away again, when it was the friend who invited herself and caused all this. IE your friend's expectations have caused YOU to shell out for another holiday and use more of your annual leave/time off work. That would piss me off. The friend has selfishly created a very shitty situation for you.

I agree! ⬆️

How have you let her labour under the misconception that she's coming with you?? You need to nicely but firmly pit her straight!!

And you absolutely don't have to pacify her by forking out for another break with her & her kids - whether or not they have a holiday is not your responsibility!!