To not want this holiday situation

[holidaynightmare]

I'll keep it brief

My husband and I have 2 kids age 7 and 4
We haven't been abroad since before COVID so my little one has never been

It's my husbands 40th and so we thought we'd go away

My best friend is getting divorced - she has 2 kids and doesn't want to go on holiday on her own

She thinks she is coming with us and j keep getting "oh the kids will be so excited" and "I'll have to come over so we can look online together"

I have several issues with this the biggest being I want us as a family to go as a Family not with her and her 2 kids (age 10 and the sulkiest 14 year old on the planet!!)

However don't want to upset her she's had a rough time but I want us to have family time, particularly as it's hubby's 40th

Am I being unreasonable???

WTF? OP has created the situation! If you tell a friend you are booking a holiday and they start talking about coming too, you immediately ask them what the fuck they are talking about, of course they aren't!

If you, for some insane reason, let them think they are coming for an extended time, YOU have caused the situation and its up to YOU to sort it out.

But why should OP and her family miss out on a holiday together, just because she has an entitled friend?

Some of these replies are absolutely mental. Convoluted lying, blaming the poor Dh and holding elaborate dinners ?! Or just say “thinks there’s been some crossed wires friend it’s just the 4 of us are going on the man n holiday let’s set up a weekend to do x with all our kids though”

No, the friend caused this situation. You don’t invite yourself to people’s holidays, that’s rude.

Saying that was OP’s fault is ridiculous. The friend was so rude and OP was too polite to say no straightaway, but she will regroup and let her friend down gently.

I think if you haven't already nipped this in the bud it's a bit too late, you needed to say so at the first opportunity.

So if I was you I'd say you have looked at finances and you're not in a position to book anything now and you'll have a think again in the New Year. Then book and dont tell her.

Mention it a few weeks before you're going and say you bagged a bargain or it was a present from family. And if she makes noises about coming then the very first time she mentions it you need to nip it in the bud and say you actually think it will be nice just as a family but youd love to look at booking a camping trip in summer as the kids will be older

Of course you don't, but you also don't let people think they are coming when they have done.
OP caused it just as much as friend. They're both bonkers

Nothing like inviting yourself. She's a chancer who is deliberately pushing your boundaries and knows fine well she's being a CF. Real friends don't put pressure on each other in this way.

In a comparable situation, I have a dear friend who I grew up with. She's single, having divorced when she and her ex were trying for a family, so has no children. We like and enjoy each other's company, so on occasion we travel together, if we have a significant occasion to celebrate, for instance. I do have a husband and child so we're not talking two weeks away in the sun way from my family, more usually a four-day European city break.

She would never, in a million years, try to insinuate herself into a special holiday planned for DH's birthday. We have our own time, and we prefer this as we can both leave it all behind for a short while, let our hair down, and generally be as silly and childish as we like. We know each other well enough to share a room and prefer this, too, as these breaks are space for us to reconnect (we live 300 miles apart). Occasionally I also go to stay with her at home for a few days.

If your friendship is worth cultivating then the thought of doing this would fill you with joy rather than horror, and neither of you would make demands which made the other in any way uncomfortable. You'd also be fine to compromise by telling her the birthday celebration is for DH and DC only - but you are willing to do something like the above with her exclusively (childcare permitting). Failing that, you could have them over to stay for a weekend and spoil them a bit.

A real friend would completely understand about the family holiday and would jump at such a suggestion, IME. Is she one?

YAB massively U by not asserting yourself and saying “sorry, but we get limited quality time as a family and so this holiday is just us”.

if you think you’d be up for a short break at some point, maybe mums and kids, then suggest that. But you need to nip this in the bud. Your misguided desire to “not hurt her” is actually going to cause much more hurt the longer this goes on. She will feel foolish and embarrassed so save her from that, quick!

Also this

You need to tell her that this holiday is family only as it is to celebrate your husbands 40th.

Encourage her to take the kids away on her own. She will be fine. I am married but I take my 3 kids away without DH often. It is no different to being at home without him. We just get on with it.

Also, do not tell her where you have booked. As she might conveniently/accidentally book the same.

Well clearly you must have said something or hinted it as being a possibility.
you’re just going to have to explain to her that sorry she’s misunderstood she won’t be able to come the holiday.

if you generally like her and can afford it, can you consider a weekend trip with her? You don’t need to but if it something you’d all enjoy it might be worth thinking about, especially if could coincide with your dp being away.

@Meraas It's unfair to blame the DH. OP should be honest with her friend and say that they prefer to keep this trip as a family holiday

100% this.

Clear this up with your friend OP and do it quickly as it will only get more awkward and the friend's DC will be disappointed.

BTW why on earth did she think a holiday mixing 10 and 14 year olds with 4 and 7 year olds would work? Some 40th birthday treat for your DH if you and friend were nattering away and he is left either to his own resources or supervising some or all of the children.

You need to communicate to her that this isn't happening. The sooner the better. Am sure you can do it tactfully.

"Sorry but as it's DH's 40th we've decided to do this one just as a family; but am sure we can sort something out for next year."

YANBU to not want her to come.

YABU to not have nipped this in the bud straight away.

You need to be firm, tell her there’s been a misunderstanding and you’re going away just as a family because it’s a special occasion, sorry.

Don’t promise a trip with her another time unless you’re actually planning to go through with it, it’s not fair to string her along.

Book something. Don't tell her. Then tell her you are staying somewhere else so she books a holiday on her own. Then go away the day before her flights and block her phone number so she can't do anything or say anything to you.

Or better still be a grown up and have an adult conversation saying 'nope sorry that doesn't work for us, we need family time especially as its a special occasion'.

Its not that hard really.

Why on earth didn't you say no the first time she mentioned it? Noone is that much of a doormat surely?

Why on earth have you passively allowed her to think she's included in your holiday plans? Surely you can be upfront and assertive and tell her this is a family holiday to celebrate your husband's milestone birthday and not a free for all? Just tell her it will be fun to organise a joint holiday another time but not this time.

I can't understand why you didn't tell her right at the start.

@Thefroglover Why can't she simply say no?

Of course she can.

She doesn't need to dress anything up, just tell her and certainly not blame her DH.

I imagine the kind of women that give this sort of advice are those who say to salespeople "oh you will need to speak to my Husband"

Women have a voice, time to start using it and people pleasing to the detriment of their own lives.

OP, you just need to tell her. No apologies, no promises beyond: "No, this is our family holiday. I'll help you plan a holiday for your family if you like?"

OP, you just need to tell her. No apologies, no promises beyond: "No, this is our family holiday. I'll help you plan a holiday for your family if you like?"

Actually, I'm already disagreeing with myself. Just say bloody no

yanbu but you need to sort it now. All it needs is "I'm sorry but we are going away just as a family this time as it is a special occasion and we want to spend time just the four of us". If you want to spend time away with her then just add "but we'd love to do a weekend away together sometime, let's plan that"; if you don't then just leave it. But do it soon.

This and so many other threads lead me into a parallel universe where people invite themselves everywhere! Does this actually happen IRL? I cannot imagine ever even thinking of doing that myself, so cringeworthy!

Agree with pp saying this is crazy and can't believe the pandering to the friend! I wonder if she thinks op and family are 'taking' her and kids on holiday?
But the posts saying op should:
-Book 2 apartments next to each other
-cancel the holiday and host dinner party instead
-go on another holiday with friend and her kids instead
-blame the dh for spoiling things
WTF!!

I bet this isn’t the first time that she’s been a boundary pushing CF in your friendship.

I’d respond by text so you don’t get steam rolled.
“had a think about the holiday. Going to keep it just to family this time since it’s dh’s 40th but we should definitely do something together sometime”

If she gets shirty, you might want to think carefully about what this relationship is bringing you. We’re quick enough to notice the tendency in romantic relationships to cling on even when it’s not working (or downright abusive) because of the fear of being alone. There can be just as strong a pull in friendships and you can find yourself friends with someone who just isn’t treating you decently at all.