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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want this holiday situation

211 replies

holidaynightmare · 24/08/2022 00:05

I'll keep it brief

My husband and I have 2 kids age 7 and 4
We haven't been abroad since before COVID so my little one has never been

It's my husbands 40th and so we thought we'd go away

My best friend is getting divorced - she has 2 kids and doesn't want to go on holiday on her own

She thinks she is coming with us and j keep getting "oh the kids will be so excited" and "I'll have to come over so we can look online together"

I have several issues with this the biggest being I want us as a family to go as a Family not with her and her 2 kids (age 10 and the sulkiest 14 year old on the planet!!)

However don't want to upset her she's had a rough time but I want us to have family time, particularly as it's hubby's 40th

Am I being unreasonable???

OP posts:
ginslinger · 24/08/2022 08:18

This is a classic example of people just not speaking to each other - the time to sort this out was the first time she said something, by allowing her to keep talking about it, without you clarifying, has in her mind meant that she's going. You need to be clear, kind but clear.

TheNoodlesIncident · 24/08/2022 08:19

Tell her asap that yours is a family holiday just for your family. But if she is unsure about the process of finding and booking somewhere, perhaps you could talk her through it so she's got a better idea of what she's doing and some confidence that she can manage it herself and ask you if she needs any additional help? She might feel happier if you can look together.

(I find the process intimidating and overwhelming, DH does a lot of it and always the flights part.)

Rowen32 · 24/08/2022 08:22

Also, don't blame your husband, that's not really fair either..

Ginger1982 · 24/08/2022 08:22

You've completely allowed this situation to evolve by not saying anything! You need to explain you and your family are going alone this time but that perhaps you could look at organising a separate trip at another time.

Sceptre86 · 24/08/2022 08:23

You need to not overshare with this friend. Also just be firm and say that it's a family holiday only.

Quveas · 24/08/2022 08:28

Meraas · 24/08/2022 00:20

Just tell her DH just wants it to be family only.

Don't do that. Own your decisions and tell her that she's misunderstood, this is a special family occasion, and just for the family.

Parpophone · 24/08/2022 08:28

Oh We'd love to come
The kids would be so excited
Where shall we go
Im not confident taking the kids on my own

And what happens next?
Do you just stare at her in silence?
Pretend you haven't heard?
Walk away?

I can't believe that you just say nothing when she says this.

eggsandbaconeveryday · 24/08/2022 08:30

I would book 2 separate apartments and explain that you will want to have some time just as a family because its for husbands birthday. Plan a couple of days doing things together and then do your own thing for the rest of the time. I took my sons away abroad after leaving my exH and went with a friend and her 2 Dc but we had separate apartments and did our own thing unless it was a pool day. We just liked that we had each other there in case we needed support.

rainbowstardrops · 24/08/2022 08:33

Parpophone · 24/08/2022 08:28

Oh We'd love to come
The kids would be so excited
Where shall we go
Im not confident taking the kids on my own

And what happens next?
Do you just stare at her in silence?
Pretend you haven't heard?
Walk away?

I can't believe that you just say nothing when she says this.

Quite!
Why on earth would you let her continue to think she'll be welcome along too???
I suggest you tell her asap because that really isn't fair on her.

WonderingWanda · 24/08/2022 08:36

Everyone is being a bit harsh op saying it's your fault, you need to nip this in the bud but I think your friend was really bloody rude and presumptuous to put you on the spot like that. Not even asking whether it would be ok if she joined you. Now you have to be the bad guy and say no. I would send her a text. 'Friend, I felt a bit put on the spot the other day so didn't respond. I just want to be clear that dh's 40th trip will be just our family'. Nothing else, no apology, you didn't do anything wrong. If she gets upset just tell her she should have asked rather than assumed.

StepAwayFromGoogling · 24/08/2022 08:36

Parpophone · 24/08/2022 08:28

Oh We'd love to come
The kids would be so excited
Where shall we go
Im not confident taking the kids on my own

And what happens next?
Do you just stare at her in silence?
Pretend you haven't heard?
Walk away?

I can't believe that you just say nothing when she says this.

Agree. Why on earth didn't you say anything then?

ifonly4 · 24/08/2022 08:41

I'd speak to DH, I guess he's less likely than you to want them to come as she's your friend. If the decision is it's a family holiday, let her down gently saying it's nothing personal, but you've had a chat and really want it to be just family as it's a special birthday.

StillGoingStrongToday · 24/08/2022 08:42

How awkward.

Do you think telling her that you’re cancelling the “big birthday holiday” idea to throw him and your friends a small dinner party instead would work?

Yes, it means cooking a dinner, but could that avoid a difficult situation without upsetting anyone?

Cheeseandlobster · 24/08/2022 08:43

You need to tell her today. I can't believe she assumed she was going with you though to be fair. Could you offer to do a long weekend with her at a later date?

Cheeseandlobster · 24/08/2022 08:45

StillGoingStrongToday · 24/08/2022 08:42

How awkward.

Do you think telling her that you’re cancelling the “big birthday holiday” idea to throw him and your friends a small dinner party instead would work?

Yes, it means cooking a dinner, but could that avoid a difficult situation without upsetting anyone?

No No No. Don't enter into lies. You will create a Web and possibly ruin your friendship

R3d · 24/08/2022 08:47

Personally, I'd shift the blame of the awkwardness to my husband and explain that he's the one that just wants the family there with it being his birthday and you feel like his wishes should be granted because of his special birthday. Obviously, speak to him first and make sure that's okay with him.
However, how much will you be together once you're away to be fair? You could make it clear you don't mind them coming, but once there your husband wants time just the four of you when going out on trips etc.

GoneWithTheWine1 · 24/08/2022 08:49

Just say to her "oh I think there was a mix up of communication. It's for DHs 40th birthday, so we're going as a family.... of 4. Just us 4." And leave it at that.
CF inviting herself along when you haven't invited her.

topcat2014 · 24/08/2022 08:52

So your DH gets to be the bad guy, "ruling this out" when it's not a normal thing to do in the first place?

BTW we take Dd friend on holiday sometimes which works well.

Going with a whole other family is another thing !

R3d · 24/08/2022 08:55

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

Lovemylittlebear · 24/08/2022 08:55

Book a cheap sun holiday weekend away with her and keep your husbands birthday separate and just explain…we are doing birthday holiday just as a family but would love to go away….how about we plan something nice - cue cheap British holiday or something else if funds allow? X

knittingaddict · 24/08/2022 08:56

This just doesn't happen in real life and I've known people with the hide of a rhino. No one does this.

dudsville · 24/08/2022 08:58

There's a weird group of folks to whom these bizarre things happen; friend thinks she's coming on holiday with me, neighbour parking in my drive, neighbour using my garden, etc. There's a moment when words should have been uttered that was somehow inexplicably missed.

knittingaddict · 24/08/2022 09:00

It's certainly bizarre dudsville.

Walkingalot · 24/08/2022 09:01

I'd just say that you were discussing the holiday with DH and he's really excited about this being a chance to spend quality time with you and the kids, so sorry, not this time. It's not making him out to be the bad guy in any way, it's a totally reasonable expectation. Tell her that you'd be happy to help her plan her own holiday. You really need to say something soon.

Endlesslypatient82 · 24/08/2022 09:04

So odd that you have found yourself in this situation with your “best friend”
my best friend of 25 years - not that she would ever make a daft assumption of joining with absolute no hint of an invite, but if in some parallel universe she did make that assumption - I would just say that as much as I would love her to join, this is just family holiday but let’s get something sorted asap for me and her have a weekend away as I’m desperate to spend time with her.

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