To not want this holiday situation

[holidaynightmare]

I'll keep it brief

My husband and I have 2 kids age 7 and 4
We haven't been abroad since before COVID so my little one has never been

It's my husbands 40th and so we thought we'd go away

My best friend is getting divorced - she has 2 kids and doesn't want to go on holiday on her own

She thinks she is coming with us and j keep getting "oh the kids will be so excited" and "I'll have to come over so we can look online together"

I have several issues with this the biggest being I want us as a family to go as a Family not with her and her 2 kids (age 10 and the sulkiest 14 year old on the planet!!)

However don't want to upset her she's had a rough time but I want us to have family time, particularly as it's hubby's 40th

Am I being unreasonable???

We’re quick enough to notice the tendency in romantic relationships to cling on even when it’s not working (or downright abusive) because of the fear of being alone. There can be just as strong a pull in friendships and you can find yourself friends with someone who just isn’t treating you decently at all

This is excellent advice. It should be on about 5000 MN threads.

I had a bloody awful fremeny for about 6 years. It took a particularly awful 'night out' to realise that she was not my friend. I got home, and literally paced the room for two hours, trying to come down from the evening, and her relentless, tinkly-little-laugh barbs and demands.

I just couldn't see it, but I would have seen it in a romantic relationship. I wasn't looking.

Thanks for the thought-provoking post ^^

She thinks she is coming with us
Yeah, that didn't 'just happen' OP, no matter how much passive language you use around how this has panned out.
You either did something to encourage her - or you did nothing to discourage her.

Her ex never wanted to go on holiday now she's rid of him she wants to go but I don't want them coming with us!!!
Then you need to say so.

We do lots of other things together but I just wanted this to be for our family
😱Another issue is my DH often works away so our family time is quite limited anyway
"Sorry pal, we have limited family time so this one's just for us."
There.
How hard is that?

Yes this is good advice. Do it now as you have been guilty of not shutting friend down straight away when she first suggested it .

I bet this isn’t the first time that she’s been a boundary pushing CF in your friendship.

That's an assumption based on nothing OP has written about this friend.
It might be true.
Or the friend could well be imagining that all is fine & dandy & OP is thrilled to have her come along. Because OP has allowed her to believe that's the case, by avoiding any correction to the friend's assumptive statements:
Oh We'd love to come
The kids would be so excited
Where shall we go
Im not confident taking the kids on my own

As OP has never said "no" to any of this, it's hardly the friend's fault she imagines OP is happy with it.

Got to admit, if I had allowed my friend to repeatedly believe we were going on holiday together to the point she is asking to come over to plan it together and I still hadn't told her, and her kids have probably been told too now, I would find it hard to let them down too.

But then again, I wouldn't have let it get that far in the first place! Why on earth did you not just correct her the first time it became apparent this is what she thought was happening?

Be very clear. This is a treat for your husband's birthday to go on holiday with his family. Suggest a party with her

But you're making it sound like the statements below were said over the course of a few days/weeks. The OP said her friend hit her with all these like a 'barrage', no wonder the OP was stupefied!

"Oh We'd love to come
The kids would be so excited
Where shall we go
Im not confident taking the kids on my own"

OP sorry but why are you even asking this...it is very simple you don't want this so you say sorry but it is a family holiday just the 4 of us...simples. Be clear and just say no ...end of!!

A lot of posters are calling OP's friend a cheeky fucker for "inviting herself", but I don't think it's 100% clear that's what's actually going on here. OP has been quite vague about her side of the conversation but her friend saying "we'd love to come!" and immediately jumping to talking about plans suggests to me that she might genuinely believe she was being invited. She could be a CF who knows exactly what she's doing, but it's equally possible that OP inadvertently said something that made her friend think she was included, or friend misheard, in which case she will probably be mortified to find out she's got the wrong end of the stick. Either way, OP needs to tell her the truth.

But you're making it sound like the statements below were said over the course of a few days/weeks. The OP said her friend hit her with all these like a 'barrage', no wonder the OP was stupefied!

"Oh We'd love to come
The kids would be so excited
Where shall we go
Im not confident taking the kids on my own"

OP chose 'stupefaction' - or at least to just keep absurdly quiet, & cruelly allow her friend to get her hopes up.

It makes no odds if they were said over a period of time or all at once. Each of them was the perfect opportunity to say "sorry pal, NO".

OP did not do that, & has allowed her friend to think she's coming along, by never contradicting her.

Your best friend should understand that you want this to be family only.

I have problems myself with people -pleasing. It gets you nowhere, and on top of it you’re not being honest to yourself and your friend.
It’s hard work to say no, I know… But it’s just like weeds, if you don’t nip em in the bud, the more they grow over !

You know what you want already, I think the problem lies with telling her. She will understand that you have your own plans too!
You cant change what is coming at you, but only your reaction to it. That’s why you have to communicate, and protect what you want.

Just be honest to your friend as soon as possible, and think of something else fun you could do together?

Not sure how you word it but no.

But a ten year gap between the kids 14 & 4 just isn't going to work. I think I'd maybe suggest a caravan weekend in the UK as a compromise just you her and kids. But need to be somewhere with a pool.

YANBU to not want her to join your vacance en famille.

She is BU to the point of insanity to have got her wires crossed so much.

YAB EXTREMELY U not to her corrected her repeated flights of fancy.

To the point that I can't decide which of the two of you is MORE unreasonable.

I don't understand why this is an issue. You just tell her it's a family holiday for your DH's 40th. It's not 'something special' for everyone to celebrate with you.

Tbh I don't understand these MNers who are incapable of talking to their friends ... their family ... people in the supermarket. Where do these people come from?

Book the last couple of days of your holiday to coincide with the first couple of days of hers. You can help her find her feet, but still get time as a family.

Being a single parent can really suck. I do everything on my own and tiny, tiny bit of support can make a MASSIVE difference to the frankly unrealistic load of lone parenting.

There are more people having difficulty being direct.
It’s not an unknown problem.
Would it be more constructive to be understanding to this person, who is asking for help?

We all come to this place to be heard, understood and hopefully get some good perspective. That is when you react with a message.

Thanks for your understanding.

The first time she said she would love to come you should have said 'yeah we'll maybe plan with you at some point when we've done this as a family for DH 40th' or words to that effect. By not nipping it in the bud the casual approach has stopped being an option and you'll have to have A Conversation. And pretty fast too, before all thd children start getting excited. Personally I'd say that if you two friends are both there thd dynamic wilk be different and DH will feel like a third wheel, and you want to focus on him having a great birthday.

I don't think you should offer to do something else with her just to 'make up' for not letting her and her family go on a family holiday with you. You will be setting expectations for every year and will always be in the same predicament that you are now with having to make 'excuses' as to why she can't join with your family for holidays. You will be the bad guy. Don't even start on that path.

It's her responsibility to live her and her family's life going forward. At some point she will have to do this. By all means offer help and advice but she needs to take these steps by herself.

Erm yes 🤪

The op finally comes back with “erm yes”

You’re not going to have the backbone to do a thing, are you OP?

Instead your “best” friend will join you and your family on holiday. You will go around with a face like a smacked arse. Your DH will not enjoy his birthday. The kids will annoy the hell out of you. And your friend, will be utterly confused that you weren’t straight about fact you didn’t want her to come.

Shit. Show. But I do look forward to the thread you start whilst on hol (and probably the one your friend starts too!)

You've had almost 150 replies and all you can come back with is "erm, yes" with a silly face?

Update

I've told her

She is now not speaking to me and made a Facebook post
About knowing who her true friends are

My husband said leave her to it she'll come round 🤦🏻‍♀️

What did you say to her OP?
I honestly don't know how she can think it's normal to expect to go on someone's family holiday, especially a special occasion holiday!

Of course in the mumsnet version of a “best friend” this is exactly the outcome I would have expected.

Two best friends. One lacking a back bone and a bit… odd, the other with skin as thick as a rhino and transpires that a bitch

@Endlesslypatient82

I don't lack a Backbone I was trying desperately not to upset her she's had a terrible time I was trying not to add to the upset and she got
The wrong end of the stick

I've told her she now hates me never wants to see me again

We're in our 40's friends from nursery like age 2/3

Please try to understand how I'm feeling too