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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Absolutely sickened by my DP for this (TW - sexual assault)

330 replies

dpshownhistruecolours · 23/08/2022 15:41

There was a news article yesterday about a mother and 14 year old daughter who were raped by a man who forced his way into their home and they were forced to watch each other being raped. He is a very dangerous man and had not long come out of prison, he had 42 criminal convictions iirc.

Here is one of the articles: /uk-news/2022/aug/22/cardiff-burglar-raped-woman-and-her-daughter-days-after-release-from-prison

I was naturally appalled and upset reading about it. I am a victim of rape and sexual violence myself, and I also have a young daughter, so it really got to me and I found it distressing to read.

It had been on my mind and then I told my partner (and father of our daughter) about it today. When I mentioned he had just come out of prison and the number of offences, he said the man just wanted to go back to prison. I couldn't believe he actually said that! I said only a sick, twisted individual would do something like that, and they wouldn't do it just to go back to prison, they would do it for the enjoyment of it and because of a deep hatred for women and girls. I said if you just wanted to go back to prison, you don't do that to a mother and daughter and traumatise them for life, you just don't, you would steal or something like that. And the fact he forced them to watch each other is just twisted, he clearly enjoyed it. He was also enraged the daughter called the police and he lied to the police and insisted they were sluts who lured him into their home, it seemed he didn't want to get caught. My partner said he's not saying he's not a sick man to do that, but he did that rather than a minor offence to guarantee a longer sentence! Ffs.

I was telling him how the mother and daughter can't even return to the same home, and the daughter who is a CHILD is sleeping with a hammer under her bed! And then my partner chuckled! I was so mad, I said what are you laughing for, what's so funny! He said he's not laughing at it, it's just the hammer. I asked what's so funny about the hammer, he said it made him think of three guys, one hammer. I said I didn't know what he's going on about, but it's just not funny and it's sick he could laugh as the idea of the young girl being so frightened and traumatised she has to sleep with a hammer under her bed is upsetting. Afterwards I did Google three guys one hammer and now I am even more sickened, there is nothing remotely funny about it. It is two serial killers who murdered people including women, and they uploaded a video online of them murdering a man with a hammer titled three guys one hammer. What is so funny about that, and how would the mere mention of a hammer make him think of that! I have asked him since and he is refusing to talk to me and giving me silent treatment.

What's more, when I said this is a parent's worst nightmare, he simply said it's not though because a parent's worst nightmare would be their child dying, not being raped. Clearly missing my point and doesn't quite see how fucking awful and world ending these situations are for people involved.

After I finished telling him about what had happened, he was like "so is that it then?" What does he mean is that it then?!

I am just so pissed off. I've told him he is part of the problem, that it is all men, that he is a misogynist just like the rest, that men clearly just hate women and don't see us as real people and his attitude says it all. He told me I am despicable and make things worse for women by saying stuff like that.

I said to him if I told people what he said and his reaction to what happened to this poor mother and her daughter, they would be appalled. He's said go on then, so here I am sharing this and asking AIBU?

OP posts:
LemonDrop22 · 23/08/2022 15:43

Is your daughter his?

dpshownhistruecolours · 23/08/2022 15:44

Yes, she is our daughter!

OP posts:
Outlyingtrout · 23/08/2022 15:45

Is he your daughter’s father?

SergeiL · 23/08/2022 15:45

I’ll be honest. I would really, really struggle to get past this. I saw that news article too and could barely read it. If my DH read it, I think he would be very angry and upset. And fearful for the world our daughters live him. Which is the reaction I would expect.

Don’t even know where to start with the hammer thing.

😡

SlappersAndFuiters · 23/08/2022 15:45

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LemonDrop22 · 23/08/2022 15:46

To me he sounds like a sociopath/psychopath.

Reason I asked if your dd I'd his was just that, if so, it's a real shame you didnt realise before having a child with him. Now she won't get rid of him in even if you do.

SpinCityBlues · 23/08/2022 15:46

He sounds like an absolute horror show of a man who is devoid of empathy and basic intelligence. He also insulted you for caring about that poor mother and daughter, and for caring about misogyny and violence against women and girls.

He doesn't sound sound like he has much of a personality either.

SlappersAndFuiters · 23/08/2022 15:47

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LemonDrop22 · 23/08/2022 15:47

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In what way is pp ridiculous, lost me there.

Outlyingtrout · 23/08/2022 15:48

dpshownhistruecolours · 23/08/2022 15:44

Yes, she is our daughter!

Fucking hell. Well I was going to say “please remove this vile misogynist from your child’s life so she can grow up in safety and without such an awful individual influencing her”. Bit harder if he’s her dad. Even so, misogynists - which he clearly is - hate women and I would have no desire as a woman to be in a relationship with one.

Whatatimetobealivetoday · 23/08/2022 15:48

Wow I agree with everything you have said about the evil scum but you have massively projected onto your partner and ranted at him.

You shouldn’t read any more articles like this as they are clearly deeply upsetting for you and no good can come of it.

Hillrunning · 23/08/2022 15:49

His overall reaction isn't good but I don't really understand why you got so upset at the idea that this awful man committed the crime to ensure he returned to prison. Many criminals take that path.

I'd be really hurt though if my husband behaved the way your partner did in relation to something I was so clearly upset at.

OopsAnotherOne · 23/08/2022 15:49

A man who can't wrap his head around the devastation that would be caused by a child being raped and being forced to watch her mother being raped, is not someone I would want to raise a child with.
Unfortunately OP there are just some men in the world with the attitude of "well I wouldn't have minded if it happened to me", or "what did the girl do to lead the man on though?", or "she might be making it up" or "it could be worse" etc. These are men that you should avoid.
Any man who feels anything other than anger at the fact that an adult man raped a child and her mother, is someone I wouldn't be able to look in the eye.
He's shown you how he really feels - is he safe to entrust with your daughter?

SlappersAndFuiters · 23/08/2022 15:50

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SproutsAtChristmas · 23/08/2022 15:53

Did your DH read the article for himself or did you summarise it for him? Perhaps for your DH to truly recognise how awful the crime was, he needs to read about it himself and make a decision.

Some people don't like being told what to think and it sounds a bit like you're suggesting he has to be disgusted by the crime. He is probably responding light-heartedly and inappropriately (joking about the hammer, making the passing comment about trying to go back to prison) because he's not actually read it for himself to make a judgement.

Ask him to read the article. It sounds like you were quite dramatic with him and of course it is right to call someone out when they are not being respectful but a horrible crime happening to someone else shouldn't be causing a huge argument between you and your DH.

Also, when you have both calmed down, speak to him about how his jokey or flippant comments made you feel and now he's read the article, can he understand why the crime upset you so much?

You probably both need to apologise to one another as you've clearly upset him calling him names and he has upset you with his blasé attitude to the issue.

Isaidnoalready · 23/08/2022 15:53

If someone is dead they are beyond pain beyond worldly hurts the only people who suffer are those left behind what they went through is the "gift that keeps on giving" they will NEVER get over this they will suffer greatly for the rest of their lives no parent wants that for a child

Caroffee · 23/08/2022 15:54

I'm afraid that too many men hold these attitudes. They are sexist misogynists who laugh at women and don't view them as real people with real feelings as you say. I've reached a stage where I don't even like working around men for this reason.

SproutsAtChristmas · 23/08/2022 15:54

I will add, it is completely right to be disgusted by the crime- it sounds a bit like I'm unbothered in my pp but actually it is horrific and awful so totally right to convey those emotions when speaking about it.

ErrolTheDragon · 23/08/2022 15:54

YANBU, I agree that's an appalling reaction - particularly in the context of the OPs distress as a victim of rape and sexual violence herself.

HeythereDelilah101 · 23/08/2022 15:54

He just sounds argumentative to me.

Luredbyapomegranate · 23/08/2022 15:56

His reaction isn’t good, especially given your history, but he didn’t actually say much

You do seem to be projecting your feelings about men and sexual aggression on to him, and it sounds like as you got angrier, he didn’t know how to handle it.

Your partner doesn’t sound especially empathetic or very psychologically sophisticated, but he hasn’t done anything terribly wrong either.

I think deep breaths and apologies all round.

LemonDrop22 · 23/08/2022 15:56

If there is a phenomena of criminals wanting desperately to get back into prison ... The op is correct that he could have chosen any type of crime to do so.

In fact had he committed a crime involving money .... He would get back in for a LOT longer. Because crimes against people esp sex crimes, most of which are committed against females, are worth next to nothing in our society and legal system.

So anyone theorising that he did it to get back in prison (presumably for as long as he could, otherwise hrs just have to repeat it in a could of years) is FUCKING DUMB.

Secondly, aside from the sentence length issue.... He could have chosen any other crime that did not involve sex and violating females bodies etc but he chose that. Because he enjoys that and is gratified by that. So the op is perfectly correct in that front.

Her H's view is idiotic.

Outlyingtrout · 23/08/2022 15:56

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OP is a rape survivor so no, it’s most definitely not “ridiculous” that she would find both the story and her partner’s reaction to it to be distressing. Also not ridiculous to start a thread for support.

Lots of people experience a strong emotional response to stories like this and it’s natural and normal that we want to feel that our partner shares our core values, especially when we share a child with them and the issue at hand relates to CSA.

ErrolTheDragon · 23/08/2022 15:58

There's a massive difference in 'just being argumentative' if it's an issue which neither of you is particularly personally affected by, versus this instance where the OP was distressed by it. Anyone with a shred of decency and compassion can surely see that.

LemonDrop22 · 23/08/2022 16:00

Secondly, the apparent total lack of empathy and the laughing at a young girl who's been violently raoed sleeping with a hammer under her bed ..... Following into laughing at a sick, violent video of presumably violent assault/murder with a hammer.....

Not sure what to say ...
Other than that he's pretty sick.

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