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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Absolutely sickened by my DP for this (TW - sexual assault)

330 replies

dpshownhistruecolours · 23/08/2022 15:41

There was a news article yesterday about a mother and 14 year old daughter who were raped by a man who forced his way into their home and they were forced to watch each other being raped. He is a very dangerous man and had not long come out of prison, he had 42 criminal convictions iirc.

Here is one of the articles: /uk-news/2022/aug/22/cardiff-burglar-raped-woman-and-her-daughter-days-after-release-from-prison

I was naturally appalled and upset reading about it. I am a victim of rape and sexual violence myself, and I also have a young daughter, so it really got to me and I found it distressing to read.

It had been on my mind and then I told my partner (and father of our daughter) about it today. When I mentioned he had just come out of prison and the number of offences, he said the man just wanted to go back to prison. I couldn't believe he actually said that! I said only a sick, twisted individual would do something like that, and they wouldn't do it just to go back to prison, they would do it for the enjoyment of it and because of a deep hatred for women and girls. I said if you just wanted to go back to prison, you don't do that to a mother and daughter and traumatise them for life, you just don't, you would steal or something like that. And the fact he forced them to watch each other is just twisted, he clearly enjoyed it. He was also enraged the daughter called the police and he lied to the police and insisted they were sluts who lured him into their home, it seemed he didn't want to get caught. My partner said he's not saying he's not a sick man to do that, but he did that rather than a minor offence to guarantee a longer sentence! Ffs.

I was telling him how the mother and daughter can't even return to the same home, and the daughter who is a CHILD is sleeping with a hammer under her bed! And then my partner chuckled! I was so mad, I said what are you laughing for, what's so funny! He said he's not laughing at it, it's just the hammer. I asked what's so funny about the hammer, he said it made him think of three guys, one hammer. I said I didn't know what he's going on about, but it's just not funny and it's sick he could laugh as the idea of the young girl being so frightened and traumatised she has to sleep with a hammer under her bed is upsetting. Afterwards I did Google three guys one hammer and now I am even more sickened, there is nothing remotely funny about it. It is two serial killers who murdered people including women, and they uploaded a video online of them murdering a man with a hammer titled three guys one hammer. What is so funny about that, and how would the mere mention of a hammer make him think of that! I have asked him since and he is refusing to talk to me and giving me silent treatment.

What's more, when I said this is a parent's worst nightmare, he simply said it's not though because a parent's worst nightmare would be their child dying, not being raped. Clearly missing my point and doesn't quite see how fucking awful and world ending these situations are for people involved.

After I finished telling him about what had happened, he was like "so is that it then?" What does he mean is that it then?!

I am just so pissed off. I've told him he is part of the problem, that it is all men, that he is a misogynist just like the rest, that men clearly just hate women and don't see us as real people and his attitude says it all. He told me I am despicable and make things worse for women by saying stuff like that.

I said to him if I told people what he said and his reaction to what happened to this poor mother and her daughter, they would be appalled. He's said go on then, so here I am sharing this and asking AIBU?

OP posts:
MagneticRubberDucks · 23/08/2022 16:46

After that he would definitely be an ex of mine.

i genuinely don’t understand how you can see any future with a man who thinks so little of women.

his reaction is actually a little bit scary.

when I read the story about the mother and her Dd to my DP he said he felt physically sick and that someone like that doesn’t deserve to continue breathing, and he hopes when the inmates find out what he’s in for they give him the same traumatic experience he infected on those poor women 10 fold.

ErrolTheDragon · 23/08/2022 16:47

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I can read very well, thank you.
It's you who isn't showing very mature comprehension.

Outlyingtrout · 23/08/2022 16:47

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Please stop. You clearly have no idea what you’re talking about RE his history of offending and what it signifies.

OP is an actual human in need of actual support. Can’t you go and kill your time elsewhere?

SlappersAndFuiters · 23/08/2022 16:47

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Tandora · 23/08/2022 16:47

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Your reaction to your partner was emotionally immature I mean. Fully understand the reaction you had to the crime, I just don’t think you should expect your partner to share it, because he doesn’t share your experience / live in your head.

PSKeyboardwarrior · 23/08/2022 16:47

LemonDrop22 · 23/08/2022 16:46

What were Slappers' posts deleted for on all the other threads?

Why haven't they been banned yet?

They're really clogging up this thread.

HE is clogging up the thread.

ErrolTheDragon · 23/08/2022 16:48

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A small minority, who hopefully the OP will find insignificant.

SlappersAndFuiters · 23/08/2022 16:48

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eyeslikebutterflies · 23/08/2022 16:48

Your DP reacted appallingly. If my DH, the father of our DD, had reacted in the same way to hearing about the horrific rape of a 14 year-old child in her own own, now so traumatised she's unable to sleep without a weapon under her pillow, if he'd "made a joke" of it - tbh, it'd be game over for us.

What happened was genuinely upsetting. As parents of daughters it's hard not to think about our own kids in that situation. Except for your DH, apparently. Who seemed to think it was funny.

Do you really want to be married to him? I wouldn't.

SlappersAndFuiters · 23/08/2022 16:49

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SlappersAndFuiters · 23/08/2022 16:49

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LemonDrop22 · 23/08/2022 16:50

PSKeyboardwarrior · 23/08/2022 16:47

HE is clogging up the thread.

Why would someone so intelligent (and so superior to low IQ posters like me) want to lower themselves to debating on here ..... Wouldnt they be better going to forums for intellectuals and geniuses?

Oh wait ...

ClocksGoingBackwards · 23/08/2022 16:51

You have reason to have an emotional reaction to this, but he doesn’t. It’s not fair for you to treat him as sickening because he is unable to fully or genuinely empathise with something that extreme. You’re expecting him to have the same reactions as you and then blaming him when he can’t.

SupDuck · 23/08/2022 16:51

So sorry OP I completely understand why you are so shaken. I think his reaction is disgusting and frankly quite sinister.
This thread is a shit show of apologists and people trying to minimise and almost gas light you for having the natural reaction you had.

MagneticRubberDucks · 23/08/2022 16:52

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All that means is his previous sexual offences were either not reported, not investigated, the cps declined to prosecute or he was not found guilty.

given the low prosecution statistics for sexual assault I think it’s highly likely this is definitely not his first offence, just the first offence ‘serious’ enough to guarantee a prosecution.

dpshownhistruecolours · 23/08/2022 16:52

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To be honest you were asked if you're a man due to your clearly misogynistic attitudes (although some women can be misogynistic as well) and you conveniently skirted around the question but had something to say to everything else that poster said. So it's only fair to assume you're a man.

OP posts:
lemmein · 23/08/2022 16:53

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He laughed about a child victim of rape being so scared that she sleeps with a hammer. Even the biggest dick can normally fake an 'oh that's awful' face, even if they don't give a shit. To laugh about something like that is weird AF!

lifeturnsonadime · 23/08/2022 16:53

OP another voice of support.
I would be very uncomfortable with his reaction.
Especially given that he knows your trauma and that you have a daughter.

The posters who are minimising this ought to be ashamed of yourselves.

At best you lack empathy at worse you are trying to hit OP over the head with a stick for misogynistic reasons.

RosieByTheSea · 23/08/2022 16:54

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chinesefortea · 23/08/2022 16:54

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LemonDrop22 · 23/08/2022 16:55

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"Slappers’ has been on here all day with the goady, nasty misogyny, multiple posts deleted on another thread yet still here."

Your story doesn't fit with this, dearie.

A liar as well. How surprising.

LetsGoNorth · 23/08/2022 16:55

I think some men struggle to understand the enormity of rape - his comment of 'well it's worst to be murdered' highlights that I think. Having to watch my DD being raped whilst I was helpless to stop it would 100% be worse than being murdered imo, an horrific crime too awful for words

In an either/or situation, I would rather watch every single member of my family be raped - and then have the chance to support them through recovery - than watch them be murdered and then they're gone.

Making the op's oh out to be some kind of monster for thinking murder is worse than rape is just bonkers. I think it's worse. I can't imagine that would be an especially unusual view.

abcdeg · 23/08/2022 16:56

Octomore · 23/08/2022 16:02

The comment about the man wanting to hold back to prison may well be accurate. Its not unheard of.

But chuckling about the link to "three guys one hammer" is beyond sick. He sees it as a bit of a joke.

Absolutely.

3 guys one hammer was beyond vile and evil. He sounds like an absolute shot head psycho to think that's funny.

(Besides the point, I don't know why you needed to clarify that it 'included women', op. The crimes were sickening in their own right, the fact it included women doesn't make it worse)

Yanbu anyway

LemonDrop22 · 23/08/2022 16:56

That was at slappers who claimed their posts on the other thread were deleted because it was a thread about banned words

LemonDrop22 · 23/08/2022 16:57

MagneticRubberDucks · 23/08/2022 16:52

All that means is his previous sexual offences were either not reported, not investigated, the cps declined to prosecute or he was not found guilty.

given the low prosecution statistics for sexual assault I think it’s highly likely this is definitely not his first offence, just the first offence ‘serious’ enough to guarantee a prosecution.

Very good points.