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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Absolutely sickened by my DP for this (TW - sexual assault)

330 replies

dpshownhistruecolours · 23/08/2022 15:41

There was a news article yesterday about a mother and 14 year old daughter who were raped by a man who forced his way into their home and they were forced to watch each other being raped. He is a very dangerous man and had not long come out of prison, he had 42 criminal convictions iirc.

Here is one of the articles: /uk-news/2022/aug/22/cardiff-burglar-raped-woman-and-her-daughter-days-after-release-from-prison

I was naturally appalled and upset reading about it. I am a victim of rape and sexual violence myself, and I also have a young daughter, so it really got to me and I found it distressing to read.

It had been on my mind and then I told my partner (and father of our daughter) about it today. When I mentioned he had just come out of prison and the number of offences, he said the man just wanted to go back to prison. I couldn't believe he actually said that! I said only a sick, twisted individual would do something like that, and they wouldn't do it just to go back to prison, they would do it for the enjoyment of it and because of a deep hatred for women and girls. I said if you just wanted to go back to prison, you don't do that to a mother and daughter and traumatise them for life, you just don't, you would steal or something like that. And the fact he forced them to watch each other is just twisted, he clearly enjoyed it. He was also enraged the daughter called the police and he lied to the police and insisted they were sluts who lured him into their home, it seemed he didn't want to get caught. My partner said he's not saying he's not a sick man to do that, but he did that rather than a minor offence to guarantee a longer sentence! Ffs.

I was telling him how the mother and daughter can't even return to the same home, and the daughter who is a CHILD is sleeping with a hammer under her bed! And then my partner chuckled! I was so mad, I said what are you laughing for, what's so funny! He said he's not laughing at it, it's just the hammer. I asked what's so funny about the hammer, he said it made him think of three guys, one hammer. I said I didn't know what he's going on about, but it's just not funny and it's sick he could laugh as the idea of the young girl being so frightened and traumatised she has to sleep with a hammer under her bed is upsetting. Afterwards I did Google three guys one hammer and now I am even more sickened, there is nothing remotely funny about it. It is two serial killers who murdered people including women, and they uploaded a video online of them murdering a man with a hammer titled three guys one hammer. What is so funny about that, and how would the mere mention of a hammer make him think of that! I have asked him since and he is refusing to talk to me and giving me silent treatment.

What's more, when I said this is a parent's worst nightmare, he simply said it's not though because a parent's worst nightmare would be their child dying, not being raped. Clearly missing my point and doesn't quite see how fucking awful and world ending these situations are for people involved.

After I finished telling him about what had happened, he was like "so is that it then?" What does he mean is that it then?!

I am just so pissed off. I've told him he is part of the problem, that it is all men, that he is a misogynist just like the rest, that men clearly just hate women and don't see us as real people and his attitude says it all. He told me I am despicable and make things worse for women by saying stuff like that.

I said to him if I told people what he said and his reaction to what happened to this poor mother and her daughter, they would be appalled. He's said go on then, so here I am sharing this and asking AIBU?

OP posts:
10HailMarys · 23/08/2022 16:15

He was off his head on spice, has no previous sexual offending history either so is unlikely born from a simple hatred of women either.

Oh, well, that'll be a comfort to the woman and her child who were forced to watch each other being raped, then. I'm sure they'll feel much better about it now they know it was just because he was off his head on spice and not because he hates women.

It doesn't fucking matter why he did it or whether he hates women. It doesn't matter whether he did it because he wanted to go back to prison or whether he was on drugs or anything else. The impact on the women was the same, and the OP naturally found the case distressing because a) it fucking is distressing for anyone who isn't devoid of all human feeling and b) she has survived rape and sexual abuse herself so was even more affected by it.

For the OP's partner to quibble pedantically over the specific motive for a sadistic sex crime against a woman and a child, and then to laugh at the idea of a child who has been raped and watched her mother be raped sleeping with a hammer under a bed, and to effectively say 'Oh well, better than being murdered' is absolutely fucking despicable. Whatever he thinks the rapist's motive was, he could clearly see that the OP was upset by the case. All he had to do was say 'Oh god, what a horrible case - try not to read about it if it's making you upset, I know it's scary for you but I promise you you're safe' and give her a hug. But no, instead of trying to make her feel better, he thought he'd dismiss her distress, wind her up and play devil's advocate to upset her even further. He's a nasty, unfeeling cunt. Absolutely vile behaviour on his part.

Octomore · 23/08/2022 16:15

DdraigGoch · 23/08/2022 16:12

This girl will have a lot to recover from, but there is no reason that, with support, she won't be able to live a normal life and find love.

@Octomore I used the word "struggle" for a reason. It's not impossible that she will recover, but it will be incredibly difficult.

You said "She will never feel able to trust any man", which you cannot possibly know to be true. (I would actually say its extremely unlikely to be true)

People said similar to me, and it was extremely unhelpful to my recovery. Telling someone they are broken forever can be a self fulfilling prophecy, so I wish people would stop doing it to rape victims.

SlappersAndFuiters · 23/08/2022 16:17

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Octomore · 23/08/2022 16:17

Just for clarity - I was a child at the timeI was abducted, so I'm talking from a position of considerable experience. And I'm happily married with a fantastic DH

adriftabroad · 23/08/2022 16:18

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Are you serious? Do you have any EQ?

10HailMarys · 23/08/2022 16:18

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Fucking hell. Someone's taken the last train to DARVO Central.

Caroffee · 23/08/2022 16:19

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You are a man aren't you, poster?

LemonDrop22 · 23/08/2022 16:19

but he did that rather than a minor offence to guarantee a longer sentence

The longer sentence would be financial crime, bank robbery etc. Not raping two related females and forcing each to watch. Our law system doesn't care about the latter much. As a 47 offence criminal and jail bird I'm sure he had an idea about that.

Is your partner's IQ on the low side?

That would fit with him finding videos like the one he mentioned funny.

Georgeskitchen · 23/08/2022 16:19

His comments were thoughtless but unless he has form for this sort of behaviour I don't think you should keep haranguing him over it. What will it achieve?

Fladdermus · 23/08/2022 16:20

Octomore · 23/08/2022 16:02

The comment about the man wanting to hold back to prison may well be accurate. Its not unheard of.

But chuckling about the link to "three guys one hammer" is beyond sick. He sees it as a bit of a joke.

I agree with this.

CookPassBabtridge · 23/08/2022 16:20

Most men just don't take this stuff seriously, can't empathise with it.. Even men I love and think a lot of in all other aspects of life think prostitution is fine, promiscuous women sometimes ask to be raped etc. It feels like trying to swim in a tsunami.

LemonDrop22 · 23/08/2022 16:20

They was sarcasm btw ... Some people with lower end IQ are decent and empathetic.... And vice versa.

He just sounds like he's sociopathic or disordered in some way.

DdraigGoch · 23/08/2022 16:20

Octomore · 23/08/2022 16:15

You said "She will never feel able to trust any man", which you cannot possibly know to be true. (I would actually say its extremely unlikely to be true)

People said similar to me, and it was extremely unhelpful to my recovery. Telling someone they are broken forever can be a self fulfilling prophecy, so I wish people would stop doing it to rape victims.

Ok, so I used "will" once, when I should have used "may".

In any case, I would not say this to the victim, I'm aware of what a self-fulfilling prophecy is.

FlorettaB · 23/08/2022 16:21

I’m sick of the trolls on here of late and using something so awful to troll is just fucked up.

BOOTS52PollyPrissyPants · 23/08/2022 16:21

I was shocked when I also read that article and found it soo disturbing and the poor mum having to watch her daughter being raped must be just the worst nightmare. I think I would rather die than have to witness something like this as it would haunt you forever and you would never get over seeing your child is such utter distress. Your partner/husband is a dickhead am sorry to say and if that makes him laugh then he has serious issues. Especially since you have serious trauma in your past and he should be more understanding towards you. I fear for the world in the future as it is just gone mad and excuses made for people who commit serious crimes, oh he was on spice does not cut it with me. Should never be let out into society again. Hope you are ok and just ignore the cave man you are with as he sounds like he is trying to wind you up for some reason and not showing much understanding at all.

Octomore · 23/08/2022 16:22

DdraigGoch · 23/08/2022 16:20

Ok, so I used "will" once, when I should have used "may".

In any case, I would not say this to the victim, I'm aware of what a self-fulfilling prophecy is.

I know you meant well, but when you post things like that you are saying it to victims.

Just think before saying that stuff next time.

SlappersAndFuiters · 23/08/2022 16:22

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AnnaMagnani · 23/08/2022 16:22

DdraigGoch · 23/08/2022 16:04

Just read the WalesOnline article. I'm not easily shocked, but this was on another level.

From the article:
Mr Bennett told the court that Carney, from Rumney, Cardiff, had 24 convictions for 47 previous offences many of those being burglaries. He had been released from custody on licence on February 25.

Just think, if a single burglary carried a minimum sentence of just one year behind bars, and sentences were served consecutively, he would not have been a free man, walking the streets to commit these offences. People say that prison doesn't work, but it keeps dangerous men out of society - which is the first purpose of our justice system.

Judge Lloyd-Clarke sentenced Carney to life in prison and ordered that he serve a minimum of 10 years

Is that all a life is? A minimum of 10 years?

The thug should have been castrated. I've got a rusty saw in the shed, I'd do it.

He won't be out in 10 years. What it means is he can't apply for parole until 10 years.

He's unlikely to get parole on his first application as this is incredibly hard for a sex offender, and his history that the last time he was released he promptly committed horrific offences.

He will be going around applying and being turned down for parole for plenty of years above the 10 minimum.

Coyoacan · 23/08/2022 16:23

I'm sorry OP, but I am beyond shocked at your DP

SlappersAndFuiters · 23/08/2022 16:23

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LemonDrop22 · 23/08/2022 16:23

FlorettaB · 23/08/2022 16:21

I’m sick of the trolls on here of late and using something so awful to troll is just fucked up.

Yeah they're truly wearying.

DONT FEED THE TROLLS.

ErrolTheDragon · 23/08/2022 16:24

She thinks it's just abhorrent that someone thought he did it to get longer in prison

Which is just as likely to be true as her view that he is some massive sexual pervert who has just managed to hide it for decades

So someone did this horrific thing 'just to get back into prison' rather than any of the many crimes against property he could have chosen, but then (if you've bothered to read the OP) behaved as if he hadn't actually wanted to be caught? Okaaay.Hmm

madasawethen · 23/08/2022 16:25

LemonDrop22 · 23/08/2022 16:23

Yeah they're truly wearying.

DONT FEED THE TROLLS.

Agree with ignoring. It's the only attention they'll ever get from women is why they show up here.

ThinkingaboutLangClegosaurus · 23/08/2022 16:25

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Laughing about a traumatised child keeping a hammer under the bed is not a simple ‘difference of opinion’.

Meraas · 23/08/2022 16:26

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But your username isn't Flappers. It's slappers. Because that's you see women.