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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Absolutely sickened by my DP for this (TW - sexual assault)

330 replies

dpshownhistruecolours · 23/08/2022 15:41

There was a news article yesterday about a mother and 14 year old daughter who were raped by a man who forced his way into their home and they were forced to watch each other being raped. He is a very dangerous man and had not long come out of prison, he had 42 criminal convictions iirc.

Here is one of the articles: /uk-news/2022/aug/22/cardiff-burglar-raped-woman-and-her-daughter-days-after-release-from-prison

I was naturally appalled and upset reading about it. I am a victim of rape and sexual violence myself, and I also have a young daughter, so it really got to me and I found it distressing to read.

It had been on my mind and then I told my partner (and father of our daughter) about it today. When I mentioned he had just come out of prison and the number of offences, he said the man just wanted to go back to prison. I couldn't believe he actually said that! I said only a sick, twisted individual would do something like that, and they wouldn't do it just to go back to prison, they would do it for the enjoyment of it and because of a deep hatred for women and girls. I said if you just wanted to go back to prison, you don't do that to a mother and daughter and traumatise them for life, you just don't, you would steal or something like that. And the fact he forced them to watch each other is just twisted, he clearly enjoyed it. He was also enraged the daughter called the police and he lied to the police and insisted they were sluts who lured him into their home, it seemed he didn't want to get caught. My partner said he's not saying he's not a sick man to do that, but he did that rather than a minor offence to guarantee a longer sentence! Ffs.

I was telling him how the mother and daughter can't even return to the same home, and the daughter who is a CHILD is sleeping with a hammer under her bed! And then my partner chuckled! I was so mad, I said what are you laughing for, what's so funny! He said he's not laughing at it, it's just the hammer. I asked what's so funny about the hammer, he said it made him think of three guys, one hammer. I said I didn't know what he's going on about, but it's just not funny and it's sick he could laugh as the idea of the young girl being so frightened and traumatised she has to sleep with a hammer under her bed is upsetting. Afterwards I did Google three guys one hammer and now I am even more sickened, there is nothing remotely funny about it. It is two serial killers who murdered people including women, and they uploaded a video online of them murdering a man with a hammer titled three guys one hammer. What is so funny about that, and how would the mere mention of a hammer make him think of that! I have asked him since and he is refusing to talk to me and giving me silent treatment.

What's more, when I said this is a parent's worst nightmare, he simply said it's not though because a parent's worst nightmare would be their child dying, not being raped. Clearly missing my point and doesn't quite see how fucking awful and world ending these situations are for people involved.

After I finished telling him about what had happened, he was like "so is that it then?" What does he mean is that it then?!

I am just so pissed off. I've told him he is part of the problem, that it is all men, that he is a misogynist just like the rest, that men clearly just hate women and don't see us as real people and his attitude says it all. He told me I am despicable and make things worse for women by saying stuff like that.

I said to him if I told people what he said and his reaction to what happened to this poor mother and her daughter, they would be appalled. He's said go on then, so here I am sharing this and asking AIBU?

OP posts:
LemonDrop22 · 23/08/2022 16:35

dpshownhistruecolours · 23/08/2022 16:30

We have been together for 7 years, he is 28. I didn't think it would be relevant tbh.

I am reading all the replies on the thread by the way, just trying to take everything in.

That's very young.

It's easy not to realise someone is a cretin when you get together with then very young.

SlappersAndFuiters · 23/08/2022 16:35

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ErrolTheDragon · 23/08/2022 16:36

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No. She didn't 'choose' this battle. She read something and it quite understandably distressed her.
It was her DH who was then 'argumentative' and exacerbated the situation, and then got defensive and stroppy. He is the one who should have picked his battles. The OP needed some sympathy and reassurance, not what he indulged in.

You also perhaps might do well to learn when to pick your battles.

SlappersAndFuiters · 23/08/2022 16:36

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teawamutu · 23/08/2022 16:37

I'd struggle with this not being a deal-breaker, tbh. The total lack of comprehension that women are fully actualised people is not something I could endure to live with.

Octomore · 23/08/2022 16:37

aSofaNearYou · 23/08/2022 16:34

Honestly? I think some people are more distressed by things they read in the news than others. It reads to me that you went into this discussion really upset and intense about it and wouldn't accept anything less than him feeling equally strongly.

I don't know his character and maybe he is a raging misogynist but I actually think it was you escalating this discussion. I think it's normal and common for some people to be a bit more nonchalant about random news stories than others.

But he must have known that this topic was close to home for the OP. He must have known that she'd find it somewhat triggering. That alone should surely make him tread carefully.

If someone you care about is upset by something because it hits close to home for them, the normal reaction is to acknowledge their feelings, not start poking the wound and playing devil's advocate. And definitely not to laugh.

No matter how nonchalant he may have felt, the normal thing to do when someone you care about is upset is to try to help, not stoke the fire.

SpinCityBlues · 23/08/2022 16:37

I think it's pretty shit that MNHQ haven't deleted this mess yet and banned the troll.

Meraas · 23/08/2022 16:37

@MNHQ please could this misogynist on this thread be remved now? We're bored of him.

SpinCityBlues · 23/08/2022 16:38

How many reports does @MNHQ need?

SpinCityBlues · 23/08/2022 16:39

I can only suggest that posters don't engage and keep reporting. Don't get drawn in.

LemonDrop22 · 23/08/2022 16:39

Beefcurtains79 · 23/08/2022 16:33

God the trolls are out in force today, ‘Slappers’ has been on here all day with the goady, nasty misogyny, multiple posts deleted on another thread yet still here.

They've just told me I have low IQ.

And I've "proven it again and again".

I'm so devastated, and upset, and shook .... I don't think I'll ever recover.

Owww, maybe I do have low IQ, they sound like a good judge ...... Lmfao.

lemmein · 23/08/2022 16:40

Eurgh, I would struggle with this, I really would. I think some men struggle to understand the enormity of rape - his comment of 'well it's worst to be murdered' highlights that I think. Having to watch my DD being raped whilst I was helpless to stop it would 100% be worse than being murdered imo, an horrific crime too awful for words.

I don't really understand why some men see it differently? Perhaps because it's very unlikely to happen to them? Maybe they view rape as more about sex than power and degradation so the thought of being forced to ' have sex' doesn't really have the same impact on their emotions? Men are stronger, and as a group are the oppressors so I suppose they find it difficult to view themselves in such a helpless situation.

Ask him how he'd feel if a group of big strong men raped him in front of his children? Maybe he'd understand better if he could envision the feelings of powerlessness. Men can only experience that sort of intimidation with other men and even then, mostly if it's a group of men.

I once came downstairs to my DH watching a film where a bloke was basically raping a woman in the middle of a market. I can't remember the film, iirc Jason Statham was in it so mainstream. The usual trope of a woman going 'no no no - oh, ok then!' but I found the scene really disturbing, whereas my DH thought I was massively overreacting. Your post reminded me of that.

Until men start raping other men on mass I think on the whole they just don't get it. I bet he'd suddenly understand the fear of rape if he was in prison!

dpshownhistruecolours · 23/08/2022 16:41

To clarify, he knows all about my history with sexual violence as I saw a PP was wondering if he knew. I suffered sexual abuse from the age of 16 and was nearly killed through it and was held captive. As people think I am being ridiculous from reacting strongly to this article.

OP posts:
Paddingtonthebear · 23/08/2022 16:41

This would concern me greatly. It appears your husband has either no understanding or no empathy towards you, as a rape survivor and how this story will have affected you. The fact he has a daughter makes it worse. Men need to start getting more upset and outraged by other mens crimes, rather than minimising them or finding a joke to be made. Ughh. I would struggle to view this person differently which is very hard if he is the father of your child.

wenevernewthis · 23/08/2022 16:41

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He said he probably did it to get back into prison. She then said why couldn't he just steal something instead of raping a mother and daughter?
he argued that the rape would give him a longer sentence.
He was just running circle trying to find the reason why the poor rapist just had to rape. To his rape victim wife. After she sought support from her husband.

LemonDrop22 · 23/08/2022 16:41

SpinCityBlues · 23/08/2022 16:37

I think it's pretty shit that MNHQ haven't deleted this mess yet and banned the troll.

They should get rid of the trolls but why delete the thread.

Op needs support.

She needs perspectives on her (sick) husband's views.

SlappersAndFuiters · 23/08/2022 16:42

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NewtoHolland · 23/08/2022 16:43

Yanbu
He sounds like he was trying to get to you.

SlappersAndFuiters · 23/08/2022 16:43

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MissMaple82 · 23/08/2022 16:44

I think you should leave, he's clearly deranged.

ErrolTheDragon · 23/08/2022 16:44

dpshownhistruecolours · 23/08/2022 16:41

To clarify, he knows all about my history with sexual violence as I saw a PP was wondering if he knew. I suffered sexual abuse from the age of 16 and was nearly killed through it and was held captive. As people think I am being ridiculous from reacting strongly to this article.

Most people understand, there's just one or two odd individuals who appear to have no empathy whatever. Try to ignore them.

Tandora · 23/08/2022 16:45

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MarieIVanArkleStinks · 23/08/2022 16:46

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Shameful post. A woman claims to have been a victim of abuse, has an understandably visceral reaction to the issue revealing a fundamental schism between her view of that crime and that of her DH - in fact, that of any decent, feeling, human being - and without the remotest empathy for her position is accused of being an abuser herself.

A new Mumsnet low. You should be thoroughly ashamed.

LemonDrop22 · 23/08/2022 16:46

What were Slappers' posts deleted for on all the other threads?

Why haven't they been banned yet?

They're really clogging up this thread.

SlappersAndFuiters · 23/08/2022 16:46

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This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.