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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Absolutely sickened by my DP for this (TW - sexual assault)

330 replies

dpshownhistruecolours · 23/08/2022 15:41

There was a news article yesterday about a mother and 14 year old daughter who were raped by a man who forced his way into their home and they were forced to watch each other being raped. He is a very dangerous man and had not long come out of prison, he had 42 criminal convictions iirc.

Here is one of the articles: /uk-news/2022/aug/22/cardiff-burglar-raped-woman-and-her-daughter-days-after-release-from-prison

I was naturally appalled and upset reading about it. I am a victim of rape and sexual violence myself, and I also have a young daughter, so it really got to me and I found it distressing to read.

It had been on my mind and then I told my partner (and father of our daughter) about it today. When I mentioned he had just come out of prison and the number of offences, he said the man just wanted to go back to prison. I couldn't believe he actually said that! I said only a sick, twisted individual would do something like that, and they wouldn't do it just to go back to prison, they would do it for the enjoyment of it and because of a deep hatred for women and girls. I said if you just wanted to go back to prison, you don't do that to a mother and daughter and traumatise them for life, you just don't, you would steal or something like that. And the fact he forced them to watch each other is just twisted, he clearly enjoyed it. He was also enraged the daughter called the police and he lied to the police and insisted they were sluts who lured him into their home, it seemed he didn't want to get caught. My partner said he's not saying he's not a sick man to do that, but he did that rather than a minor offence to guarantee a longer sentence! Ffs.

I was telling him how the mother and daughter can't even return to the same home, and the daughter who is a CHILD is sleeping with a hammer under her bed! And then my partner chuckled! I was so mad, I said what are you laughing for, what's so funny! He said he's not laughing at it, it's just the hammer. I asked what's so funny about the hammer, he said it made him think of three guys, one hammer. I said I didn't know what he's going on about, but it's just not funny and it's sick he could laugh as the idea of the young girl being so frightened and traumatised she has to sleep with a hammer under her bed is upsetting. Afterwards I did Google three guys one hammer and now I am even more sickened, there is nothing remotely funny about it. It is two serial killers who murdered people including women, and they uploaded a video online of them murdering a man with a hammer titled three guys one hammer. What is so funny about that, and how would the mere mention of a hammer make him think of that! I have asked him since and he is refusing to talk to me and giving me silent treatment.

What's more, when I said this is a parent's worst nightmare, he simply said it's not though because a parent's worst nightmare would be their child dying, not being raped. Clearly missing my point and doesn't quite see how fucking awful and world ending these situations are for people involved.

After I finished telling him about what had happened, he was like "so is that it then?" What does he mean is that it then?!

I am just so pissed off. I've told him he is part of the problem, that it is all men, that he is a misogynist just like the rest, that men clearly just hate women and don't see us as real people and his attitude says it all. He told me I am despicable and make things worse for women by saying stuff like that.

I said to him if I told people what he said and his reaction to what happened to this poor mother and her daughter, they would be appalled. He's said go on then, so here I am sharing this and asking AIBU?

OP posts:
LemonDrop22 · 23/08/2022 23:22

ReneBumsWombats · 23/08/2022 23:15

No, to him it's a fucking joke.

Apparently so is a grandad who's just been treated for cancer and was out trying to do odd jobs to stay in work being tortured and murdered on film to sell to snuff websites .... Was also something to be glib, flippant etc about. And he'd apparently watched it (?) while most of us with any empathy wouldvd avoided watching it or turned it off pretty much instantly.

BabyDreamers · 23/08/2022 23:22

Yanbu. Not understanding that rape is awful for woman and children makes me feel sick to think about tbh. Does he think we get the same feelings as during consensual sex or something so it's not too bad or traumatic?! And seeing that happen to your child is ok?! Really confused. Wish I hadn't read this post.

LemonDrop22 · 23/08/2022 23:25

I think he's he's got a screw loose.

I'd honestly advise getting rid and carefully monitoring his interaction with dd. Who wants someone like that influencing a vulnerable, impressionable child.

ThinkingaboutLangClegosaurus · 25/08/2022 18:21

fUNNYfACE36 · 23/08/2022 23:03

The rape was shocking, brutal and sadistic, but virtually every story in the news is really bad for somebody.zAnybody who didnt become desensitised a little would become mentally ill with all this terribly sad news day after day after day.This particular story resonates with you. To him it is terrible but it is just one of many horrible incidents that garden every day

Anybody who didnt become desensitised a little would become mentally ill with all this terribly sad news day after day after day.

No. I agree it's best not to look at dispiriting news stories, and no one should support the makers of sick videos by watching them. But becoming desensitised is more of a mental illness than feeling empathy. A man who laughs at an old man's murder and a traumatised child's fear is far from healthy.

ThinkingaboutLangClegosaurus · 25/08/2022 18:25

LemonDrop22 · 23/08/2022 21:37

I'd say most of the posters who've contributed (excepting the off few whose partners may reflect them, as seen in this thread) who are in relationships with men, would say their partner would not have reacted the way ops did and would have responded with some disgust, empathy, anger, sadness etc to all elements of the case esp. the traumatised child trying to protect herself and her Mum.

It is op's partner who is odd and inappropriate (that's a very nice way of putting it), not op for her feelings about this incident.

Yes. My DH would have been disgusted, along with every normal man I can think of.

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