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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Absolutely sickened by my DP for this (TW - sexual assault)

330 replies

dpshownhistruecolours · 23/08/2022 15:41

There was a news article yesterday about a mother and 14 year old daughter who were raped by a man who forced his way into their home and they were forced to watch each other being raped. He is a very dangerous man and had not long come out of prison, he had 42 criminal convictions iirc.

Here is one of the articles: /uk-news/2022/aug/22/cardiff-burglar-raped-woman-and-her-daughter-days-after-release-from-prison

I was naturally appalled and upset reading about it. I am a victim of rape and sexual violence myself, and I also have a young daughter, so it really got to me and I found it distressing to read.

It had been on my mind and then I told my partner (and father of our daughter) about it today. When I mentioned he had just come out of prison and the number of offences, he said the man just wanted to go back to prison. I couldn't believe he actually said that! I said only a sick, twisted individual would do something like that, and they wouldn't do it just to go back to prison, they would do it for the enjoyment of it and because of a deep hatred for women and girls. I said if you just wanted to go back to prison, you don't do that to a mother and daughter and traumatise them for life, you just don't, you would steal or something like that. And the fact he forced them to watch each other is just twisted, he clearly enjoyed it. He was also enraged the daughter called the police and he lied to the police and insisted they were sluts who lured him into their home, it seemed he didn't want to get caught. My partner said he's not saying he's not a sick man to do that, but he did that rather than a minor offence to guarantee a longer sentence! Ffs.

I was telling him how the mother and daughter can't even return to the same home, and the daughter who is a CHILD is sleeping with a hammer under her bed! And then my partner chuckled! I was so mad, I said what are you laughing for, what's so funny! He said he's not laughing at it, it's just the hammer. I asked what's so funny about the hammer, he said it made him think of three guys, one hammer. I said I didn't know what he's going on about, but it's just not funny and it's sick he could laugh as the idea of the young girl being so frightened and traumatised she has to sleep with a hammer under her bed is upsetting. Afterwards I did Google three guys one hammer and now I am even more sickened, there is nothing remotely funny about it. It is two serial killers who murdered people including women, and they uploaded a video online of them murdering a man with a hammer titled three guys one hammer. What is so funny about that, and how would the mere mention of a hammer make him think of that! I have asked him since and he is refusing to talk to me and giving me silent treatment.

What's more, when I said this is a parent's worst nightmare, he simply said it's not though because a parent's worst nightmare would be their child dying, not being raped. Clearly missing my point and doesn't quite see how fucking awful and world ending these situations are for people involved.

After I finished telling him about what had happened, he was like "so is that it then?" What does he mean is that it then?!

I am just so pissed off. I've told him he is part of the problem, that it is all men, that he is a misogynist just like the rest, that men clearly just hate women and don't see us as real people and his attitude says it all. He told me I am despicable and make things worse for women by saying stuff like that.

I said to him if I told people what he said and his reaction to what happened to this poor mother and her daughter, they would be appalled. He's said go on then, so here I am sharing this and asking AIBU?

OP posts:
LetsGoNorth · 23/08/2022 16:00

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Octomore · 23/08/2022 16:00

SproutsAtChristmas · 23/08/2022 15:53

Did your DH read the article for himself or did you summarise it for him? Perhaps for your DH to truly recognise how awful the crime was, he needs to read about it himself and make a decision.

Some people don't like being told what to think and it sounds a bit like you're suggesting he has to be disgusted by the crime. He is probably responding light-heartedly and inappropriately (joking about the hammer, making the passing comment about trying to go back to prison) because he's not actually read it for himself to make a judgement.

Ask him to read the article. It sounds like you were quite dramatic with him and of course it is right to call someone out when they are not being respectful but a horrible crime happening to someone else shouldn't be causing a huge argument between you and your DH.

Also, when you have both calmed down, speak to him about how his jokey or flippant comments made you feel and now he's read the article, can he understand why the crime upset you so much?

You probably both need to apologise to one another as you've clearly upset him calling him names and he has upset you with his blasé attitude to the issue.

What have I just read?

You think the OP was unreasonable for expecting him to be disgusted. Do you think that a decent, humane adult man would react with anything other than disgust when told about the rape of a woman and a child?

ErrolTheDragon · 23/08/2022 16:01

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Wow. Talk about DARVO.Confused

Octomore · 23/08/2022 16:02

The comment about the man wanting to hold back to prison may well be accurate. Its not unheard of.

But chuckling about the link to "three guys one hammer" is beyond sick. He sees it as a bit of a joke.

OopsAnotherOne · 23/08/2022 16:03

Just to add, anyone who finds it entertaining or funny that a child who has been through a violent sex crime only feels safe sleeping with a hammer under her bed is pretty disgusting to be honest.
God forbid anything like this ever happened to his daughter, but if it did, I wonder if he would share the same attitudes then? He seems like a "well what was she wearing?" type.

DdraigGoch · 23/08/2022 16:04

Just read the WalesOnline article. I'm not easily shocked, but this was on another level.

From the article:
Mr Bennett told the court that Carney, from Rumney, Cardiff, had 24 convictions for 47 previous offences many of those being burglaries. He had been released from custody on licence on February 25.

Just think, if a single burglary carried a minimum sentence of just one year behind bars, and sentences were served consecutively, he would not have been a free man, walking the streets to commit these offences. People say that prison doesn't work, but it keeps dangerous men out of society - which is the first purpose of our justice system.

Judge Lloyd-Clarke sentenced Carney to life in prison and ordered that he serve a minimum of 10 years

Is that all a life is? A minimum of 10 years?

The thug should have been castrated. I've got a rusty saw in the shed, I'd do it.

Whowhatwherewhenwhynow · 23/08/2022 16:04

Wow. He is always like that or was this some random, odd, one off Insensitivity.
odd how people can find things like that funny.

LemonDrop22 · 23/08/2022 16:04

ErrolTheDragon · 23/08/2022 15:54

YANBU, I agree that's an appalling reaction - particularly in the context of the OPs distress as a victim of rape and sexual violence herself.

I didn't even pick that up in the ops posts.

This man is what we call in NI, a fucking gulpin.

And that's being mild.

LetsGoNorth · 23/08/2022 16:05

Wow. Talk about DARVO

Sounds to me that it was the op on the attack in this situation, not the other way around.

Octomore · 23/08/2022 16:06

Playing devil's advocate and chuckling about a child's response to a violent rape when you know full well that you're talking to a rape survivor is beyond normal shittiness. It's really fucking sick.

Meraas · 23/08/2022 16:07

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Your misogynistic views are not surprising, based on your username.
Maybe you would be more suited to an MRA site.

DdraigGoch · 23/08/2022 16:07

Isaidnoalready · 23/08/2022 15:53

If someone is dead they are beyond pain beyond worldly hurts the only people who suffer are those left behind what they went through is the "gift that keeps on giving" they will NEVER get over this they will suffer greatly for the rest of their lives no parent wants that for a child

This.

The poor girl will live a life which is mentally scarred. She will struggle to form normal relationships. She will never feel able to trust any man - she can't even hug her own father. She may never sleep soundly in her bed at night.

At least with death the pain is over.

SlappersAndFuiters · 23/08/2022 16:09

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Mangogogogo · 23/08/2022 16:09

i personally think that you were annoyed he wasn’t immediately outraged and ranting about it like you were so you pushed and he didn’t really know what to answer.

you would have put my back up too and even if I felt the deepest empathy for the mother and daughter (as I do) I’d have found it hard to say that with you going on like that at me

i also think you need to not read these articles if they’re going to trigger you like this.

LemonDrop22 · 23/08/2022 16:09

You wanted your DH to react in the same way as you - tears and rants.

Where do you get that from?

She wanted a normal reaction from him - she got "he prob just wanted to get back in prison, and "that reminds me of that sick hammer video hahaha".

A 5 yr old would have more empathy.

There's a breed of people who enjoy laughing at/poking fun at violence, death, horrific injuries, accidents etc..... Not a group any decent person wants to associate with, let alone partner.

As one of the classic authors said (paraphrasing) .. don't rush to partner yourself with a fool, there are no shortage of other fools to partner them.

Octomore · 23/08/2022 16:10

DdraigGoch · 23/08/2022 16:07

This.

The poor girl will live a life which is mentally scarred. She will struggle to form normal relationships. She will never feel able to trust any man - she can't even hug her own father. She may never sleep soundly in her bed at night.

At least with death the pain is over.

As the survivor of abducton and violent rape, I think this kind of thing is unhelpful. This girl will have a lot to recover from, but there is no reason that, with support, she won't be able to live a normal life and find love.

Telling rape survivors that they are broken and shattered forever is no better than the old view that we are tainted goods, IMO.

SlappersAndFuiters · 23/08/2022 16:11

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LemonDrop22 · 23/08/2022 16:11

the Op is being ridiculous

Somebody is being ridiculous itt, not the op though.

What is it with the trolls on MN these days. Every fkg thread. Being as contrary, cold and perverse as they can possibly be.

SlappersAndFuiters · 23/08/2022 16:11

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Stickmansmum · 23/08/2022 16:12

Look OP, he doesn’t get it. And that doesn’t make him a psychopath. It makes him clueless. Humans have an incredible capacity to hold horrors wt arms length. We all do it daily. Some people have greater understanding or less ability to other the horrible stuff either because they are naturally very empathetic or have suffered somewhat themselves.

ignorance is bliss they say and it’s true. Though none of that above means your DP isn’t a total misogynistic prick or a heartless bastard for not recognising how upset you were and why and tempering his reaction accordingly.

SpinCityBlues · 23/08/2022 16:12

There's something 'off' about this thread and I've asked MNHQ to have a look, including for sock puppeting.

I think posters should be careful about being drawn in to such an emotive subject.

DdraigGoch · 23/08/2022 16:12

This girl will have a lot to recover from, but there is no reason that, with support, she won't be able to live a normal life and find love.

@Octomore I used the word "struggle" for a reason. It's not impossible that she will recover, but it will be incredibly difficult.

Jalepenojello · 23/08/2022 16:13

Not sure OP. It is truly horrific what happened to them. I am sorry you didn’t get the response you wanted from your partner. There a horrific stories in the news everyday and I don’t have time to feel sad about them all or I would be consumed by it. Sometimes people have to put up a wall and not let it in. However if it effected you enough to bring it up with him, then he should have considered the fact this was clearly upsetting you and had a far more sensitive response. Or he could just be a total arsehole.

SlappersAndFuiters · 23/08/2022 16:13

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TooMuchToDoTooLittleInclination · 23/08/2022 16:14

@Outlyingtrout
@LemonDrop22

IN THE OP

It had been on my mind and then I told my partner (and father of our daughter) about it today

what was ambiguous about that??

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