Absolutely sickened by my DP for this (TW - sexual assault)

[dpshownhistruecolours]

There was a news article yesterday about a mother and 14 year old daughter who were raped by a man who forced his way into their home and they were forced to watch each other being raped. He is a very dangerous man and had not long come out of prison, he had 42 criminal convictions iirc.

Here is one of the articles: /uk-news/2022/aug/22/cardiff-burglar-raped-woman-and-her-daughter-days-after-release-from-prison

I was naturally appalled and upset reading about it. I am a victim of rape and sexual violence myself, and I also have a young daughter, so it really got to me and I found it distressing to read.

It had been on my mind and then I told my partner (and father of our daughter) about it today. When I mentioned he had just come out of prison and the number of offences, he said the man just wanted to go back to prison. I couldn't believe he actually said that! I said only a sick, twisted individual would do something like that, and they wouldn't do it just to go back to prison, they would do it for the enjoyment of it and because of a deep hatred for women and girls. I said if you just wanted to go back to prison, you don't do that to a mother and daughter and traumatise them for life, you just don't, you would steal or something like that. And the fact he forced them to watch each other is just twisted, he clearly enjoyed it. He was also enraged the daughter called the police and he lied to the police and insisted they were sluts who lured him into their home, it seemed he didn't want to get caught. My partner said he's not saying he's not a sick man to do that, but he did that rather than a minor offence to guarantee a longer sentence! Ffs.

I was telling him how the mother and daughter can't even return to the same home, and the daughter who is a CHILD is sleeping with a hammer under her bed! And then my partner chuckled! I was so mad, I said what are you laughing for, what's so funny! He said he's not laughing at it, it's just the hammer. I asked what's so funny about the hammer, he said it made him think of three guys, one hammer. I said I didn't know what he's going on about, but it's just not funny and it's sick he could laugh as the idea of the young girl being so frightened and traumatised she has to sleep with a hammer under her bed is upsetting. Afterwards I did Google three guys one hammer and now I am even more sickened, there is nothing remotely funny about it. It is two serial killers who murdered people including women, and they uploaded a video online of them murdering a man with a hammer titled three guys one hammer. What is so funny about that, and how would the mere mention of a hammer make him think of that! I have asked him since and he is refusing to talk to me and giving me silent treatment.

What's more, when I said this is a parent's worst nightmare, he simply said it's not though because a parent's worst nightmare would be their child dying, not being raped. Clearly missing my point and doesn't quite see how fucking awful and world ending these situations are for people involved.

After I finished telling him about what had happened, he was like "so is that it then?" What does he mean is that it then?!

I am just so pissed off. I've told him he is part of the problem, that it is all men, that he is a misogynist just like the rest, that men clearly just hate women and don't see us as real people and his attitude says it all. He told me I am despicable and make things worse for women by saying stuff like that.

I said to him if I told people what he said and his reaction to what happened to this poor mother and her daughter, they would be appalled. He's said go on then, so here I am sharing this and asking AIBU?

Back to Bash the Weasel again, or whatever the fuck it's called.

I won't be, thank you.

I just wanted to make op aware of what sort of video her partner had apparently chosen to watch.

And has inexplicably referred to, rather comically, when being told a child was so traumatised from being raped and watching her Mum be raped, she was keeping a hammer under her bed.

That's your response to hearing that ....??
"Oh hahaha that reminds me of that video, 3 men, 1 hammer".

Is he out of his fucking mind?

I too think their should be a rule that you can only post on certain sensitive topics if you have a history. These incels are repulsive and something must be done to stop them constantly and deliberately derailing threads.

I've just posted on Site Stuff to suggest it. It really sickens me to see sensitive threads get derailed by outside groups. #letwomenspeak was trending for days recently for this very reason; for some of these groups their sole purpose is to silent WAG and they do it by an orchestrated assault on threads like these (or anything with a trigger warning)

I'm sorry your thread was dumped on OP.

What a fucking mess of a thread. It's been going for hours and hours during peak time on a week day. There's no excuse for it not to have been moderated better, given the number of reports that MNHQ have had about it from the get-go.

Ffs. These are the lives of woman and a girl that have become 'bread and circuses'. I hope MNHQ have a bit of a post-mortem into this. So far they haven't even posted on the thread that I can see?

He’s a fucking horrible man without a shred of empathy or compassion and I’d be looking to get rid.

While that sounds like a good idea in theory, not sure how it would work in practice for threads in AIBU or Chat. Relationships might be subject to this for responses but not for starting a thread as a new poster may need help.

This can't literally be the first time he's gone "lol rape is funnee"

It's not like he's spent all these years as a fine, educated fellow, witty at parties, confident and kind in relationships, and finally said one weird thing.

Men like this are always shitshows. They show red flags throughout their whole lives.

Shame he's not so easy to just dump.

I work in mental health. Not once have I met a woman experiencing psychosis which led them to rape a woman or child, let alone forced them to watch each other. He full well knew what he was doing, he was well aware of the consequences hence he checked the daughter's phone and got so enraged about the daughter calling the police. He used the rape as punishment, and he tried to flee the scene, then bullshitted about what happened. He also already had a story planned for when he knocked on the woman's door.

I completely agree OP.

I suffered psychosis a few years ago.
I also know a lot of people who do drugs including spice.
I also have friends and family members who’ve been to jail.

None if us are rapists or peados and it’s sickening to even be associated with such scum.

This was not some man who thought the devil was out to kill him and the only way to stop it would be to rape a women and child and make them watch.

He knew exactly what he was doing and this was very calculated and premeditated.

I can’t believe people are actually claiming that this was because he wanted to go back to jail or because he was high on spice - none of his behaviour or what he says shows he wanted to go back to jail or that he was out of control on drugs.

Your DH concerns me as well as certain PPs.

He could have just said, that's awful and reassured me. And that would have been the conversation over and done with.

For what it's worth, dpshownhistruecolours, this is exactly the impression I got from your post. The posters insisting you were attacking him, picking a fight, forcing him to agree with you word for word, demanding he "cry and rant", etc. seem off base to me.

Even looking at this "objectively" as a subject it "should" be possible to have a debate about (and putting aside for a moment your trauma related sexual violence and your partner's awareness of that trauma and its effects), dismissing the Cardiff man's actions as a way to go back to jail or the effects of drugs or MH issues is at very, very best a cop-out. Even if any or all of these apply to the situation, what this man chose to do is a HUGE manifestation of misogyny, there's no getting away from it.

Raping women and girls in front of their families is a well-worn strategy. It's used by gangs as a threat or warning to ensure extreme compliance from members, and it's a widespread weapon of war which reinforces gender inequalities and normalises sexual violence even after a conflict has ended. It's largely accepted by society because women and girls are viewed as possessions of their family (and in the context of genocide, of their community or demographic) and so dispensible. They're seen as objects to be used. Yes, misogyny is widespread and normalised and our society is dripping with it, but it takes a certain kind of person to act this way, and a certain kind of person to justify and normalise it.

To treat it as an intellectual exercise as your partner seems to have done - an occasion to nitnick your comments and gaslight you into thinking you're overreacting and challenge you to go ask other people's opinions so he can be "right" - is something to be concerned about, I think. I don't know how good communication normally is between the two of you, or how much he understands about the trauma you've been through and its longterm impacts, and how supportive (or not) he's been in the past (all of which is relevant context for you as you figure out how to thinks about and deal with this) but I'd not be letting this go without a serious discussion. Yes, let him talk and listen to what he has to say but the apparent glib, self-centred, for-the-LOLZ attitude (and I'm giving him the benefit of the doubt here that that MIGHT be all this is) has to go.

*It's not like he's spent all these years as a fine, educated fellow, witty at parties, confident and kind in relationships, and finally said one weird thing.

Men like this are always shitshows. They show red flags throughout their whole lives.*

I agree it seems unlikely he behaved like this once, out of the blue.

This is why I hope op, maybe with a counsellor, carefully evaluates her relationship (past and present) before making a decision to stay in it.

Excellent post @Ohhhhladz

This is odd phrasing. Kind of like op is needy in some way or high maintenance emotionally or needs something exceptional.

I haven't got op's history and I would be mind boggled, frustrated etc. at a "wanted to go back to prison" theory/comment re this case.
And taken aback & sickened by the response to the hammer thing (and the fact he is familiar with videos of that type).

She's not looking for anything above the ordinary, just basic empathy for victims of crime and basic logic about their motives when very clear from the background of the rapist's behaviour. Something many men would be able to offer. There is no failure or special need on ops part here, only failure on her partner's.

I'd say most of the posters who've contributed (excepting the off few whose partners may reflect them, as seen in this thread) who are in relationships with men, would say their partner would not have reacted the way ops did and would have responded with some disgust, empathy, anger, sadness etc to all elements of the case esp. the traumatised child trying to protect herself and her Mum.

It is op's partner who is odd and inappropriate (that's a very nice way of putting it), not op for her feelings about this incident.

I couldn't carry on with him after that conversations tbh. I would never look at him the same again, all respect for him would be gone.

His overall reaction isn't good but I don't really understand why you got so upset at the idea that this awful man committed the crime to ensure he returned to prison. Many criminals take that path

this, i thought the same

I've told him he is part of the problem, that it is all men, that he is a misogynist just like the rest, that men clearly just hate women and don't see us as real people and his attitude says it all

it's not all men though, far from it

Not you again.

Then you clearly haven't read even the op's posts with basic details about the case.

Reading just the op's posts is a pretty minimal effort before posting on a thread. Esp one about such a serious subject.

Just had a brief look at sentencing and came across an article on the longest sentences handed out in the UK during 2021 - they were all for murder, mostly violent murders, one poisoning. One violent and prolonged attempted murder.

But apparently a career criminal who was very familiar with the prison and justice system and who desperately wanted to get back into prison (it's fair to say for as long as possible, why go for the lesser crime and sentence of that is your objective) would have chosen sex crimes as his way of getting back into prison.

He also had the opportunity to murder one or both of his victims, but chose not to.

That's not even getting into the circumstances /his behaviour op outlined.

The rape was shocking, brutal and sadistic, but virtually every story in the news is really bad for somebody.zAnybody who didnt become desensitised a little would become mentally ill with all this terribly sad news day after day after day.This particular story resonates with you. To him it is terrible but it is just one of many horrible incidents that garden every day

It’s not just another incident to his wife, who is a rape survivor though. That should mean something. If he was in the army and witnessed the atrocities committed in Iraq or Afghanistan, wouldn’t you expect OP have sympathy if he told her about a story in the news that upset him?

No, to him it's a fucking joke.

I don’t read articles like that. I don’t need that stuff in my brain, that kind of real depravity is just too much. Those poor women.

My partner doesn't like hearing about or dwelling on awful cases of crime etc. but he would never respond like ops partner did (and I have no background like op's).

The hammer part is particularly disturbing and odd.