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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Absolutely sickened by my DP for this (TW - sexual assault)

330 replies

dpshownhistruecolours · 23/08/2022 15:41

There was a news article yesterday about a mother and 14 year old daughter who were raped by a man who forced his way into their home and they were forced to watch each other being raped. He is a very dangerous man and had not long come out of prison, he had 42 criminal convictions iirc.

Here is one of the articles: /uk-news/2022/aug/22/cardiff-burglar-raped-woman-and-her-daughter-days-after-release-from-prison

I was naturally appalled and upset reading about it. I am a victim of rape and sexual violence myself, and I also have a young daughter, so it really got to me and I found it distressing to read.

It had been on my mind and then I told my partner (and father of our daughter) about it today. When I mentioned he had just come out of prison and the number of offences, he said the man just wanted to go back to prison. I couldn't believe he actually said that! I said only a sick, twisted individual would do something like that, and they wouldn't do it just to go back to prison, they would do it for the enjoyment of it and because of a deep hatred for women and girls. I said if you just wanted to go back to prison, you don't do that to a mother and daughter and traumatise them for life, you just don't, you would steal or something like that. And the fact he forced them to watch each other is just twisted, he clearly enjoyed it. He was also enraged the daughter called the police and he lied to the police and insisted they were sluts who lured him into their home, it seemed he didn't want to get caught. My partner said he's not saying he's not a sick man to do that, but he did that rather than a minor offence to guarantee a longer sentence! Ffs.

I was telling him how the mother and daughter can't even return to the same home, and the daughter who is a CHILD is sleeping with a hammer under her bed! And then my partner chuckled! I was so mad, I said what are you laughing for, what's so funny! He said he's not laughing at it, it's just the hammer. I asked what's so funny about the hammer, he said it made him think of three guys, one hammer. I said I didn't know what he's going on about, but it's just not funny and it's sick he could laugh as the idea of the young girl being so frightened and traumatised she has to sleep with a hammer under her bed is upsetting. Afterwards I did Google three guys one hammer and now I am even more sickened, there is nothing remotely funny about it. It is two serial killers who murdered people including women, and they uploaded a video online of them murdering a man with a hammer titled three guys one hammer. What is so funny about that, and how would the mere mention of a hammer make him think of that! I have asked him since and he is refusing to talk to me and giving me silent treatment.

What's more, when I said this is a parent's worst nightmare, he simply said it's not though because a parent's worst nightmare would be their child dying, not being raped. Clearly missing my point and doesn't quite see how fucking awful and world ending these situations are for people involved.

After I finished telling him about what had happened, he was like "so is that it then?" What does he mean is that it then?!

I am just so pissed off. I've told him he is part of the problem, that it is all men, that he is a misogynist just like the rest, that men clearly just hate women and don't see us as real people and his attitude says it all. He told me I am despicable and make things worse for women by saying stuff like that.

I said to him if I told people what he said and his reaction to what happened to this poor mother and her daughter, they would be appalled. He's said go on then, so here I am sharing this and asking AIBU?

OP posts:
LemonDrop22 · 23/08/2022 16:26

AnnaMagnani · 23/08/2022 16:22

He won't be out in 10 years. What it means is he can't apply for parole until 10 years.

He's unlikely to get parole on his first application as this is incredibly hard for a sex offender, and his history that the last time he was released he promptly committed horrific offences.

He will be going around applying and being turned down for parole for plenty of years above the 10 minimum.

Having to feed and water that thing, at our fucking expense.

If only someone would shank him in there.

ErrolTheDragon · 23/08/2022 16:26

Do you know how difficult it is to commit a bank robbery?

Presumably not so very hard if the aim was to do it unsuccessfully so as to be jailed again.

Softplayhooray · 23/08/2022 16:27

ErrolTheDragon · 23/08/2022 15:54

YANBU, I agree that's an appalling reaction - particularly in the context of the OPs distress as a victim of rape and sexual violence herself.

I agree...I also think you just aren't compatible and it's a toxic relationship. You need way more from a partner than he seems capable of giving you, especially given the trauma you've been through.

madasawethen · 23/08/2022 16:27

OP you didn't mention how long you've been with your DP or his age.

When someone shows you who they are, believe them.

LemonDrop22 · 23/08/2022 16:27

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Keep trying.

You're getting better.

I'm lying, you're not.

KyaClark · 23/08/2022 16:27

Three men one hammer is one of the worst videos I've ever come across. I saw a clip and it's haunted me ever since. Him laughing at the thought of it is honestly shocking.

SlappersAndFuiters · 23/08/2022 16:29

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10HailMarys · 23/08/2022 16:29

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Well, I think most people reading the OP's post - unless they are extremely literal-minded and lacking in perception - would not really think the core issue here was "Why did a man commit a horrific double rape?" but "Why did the OP's husband decide this was the right time to minimise the her obvious distress, laugh at the victims in front of her, and react with the words 'Is that it, then?' when hearing about a woman and a child being raped?"

Of course people's opinions can differ, but JFC, a decent human being would choose their battles more wisely, and more kindly.

For example, I don't believe in capital punishment, but when my colleague expressed a wish that the man who murdered her daughter should be hanged, I didn't pick that particular moment to start a moral debate with her about it.

Octomore · 23/08/2022 16:29

KyaClark · 23/08/2022 16:27

Three men one hammer is one of the worst videos I've ever come across. I saw a clip and it's haunted me ever since. Him laughing at the thought of it is honestly shocking.

Yeah, laughing at real extreme violence is indicative of a certain kind if person. Not one that I'd want to form any kind of relationship with.

SlappersAndFuiters · 23/08/2022 16:29

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dpshownhistruecolours · 23/08/2022 16:30

madasawethen · 23/08/2022 16:27

OP you didn't mention how long you've been with your DP or his age.

When someone shows you who they are, believe them.

We have been together for 7 years, he is 28. I didn't think it would be relevant tbh.

I am reading all the replies on the thread by the way, just trying to take everything in.

OP posts:
SlappersAndFuiters · 23/08/2022 16:30

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wenevernewthis · 23/08/2022 16:30

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She absolutely is not ridiculous. She read about a horrific crime that hits close to home and wanted to talk about it with her partner. Her partner then excused the man's behaviour and fucking laughed about the traumatised little girl.

op I really would suggest sending your dh to a prison with a bar of soap and see if he finds rape funny when he comes out. The fact he couldn't even keep a straight face for his rape victim partner while she is clearly thinking about how vulnerable her and her daughter are then he is a massive wanker.

LemonDrop22 · 23/08/2022 16:31

KyaClark · 23/08/2022 16:27

Three men one hammer is one of the worst videos I've ever come across. I saw a clip and it's haunted me ever since. Him laughing at the thought of it is honestly shocking.

I've never heard of it.

I was going to look it up and see what it's about but I won't now, thank you.

As I said, takes a particular breed of person to watch and laugh at shit like that.

Unfortunately op you weren't fully aware you were with such a specimen until now. Well at least you know now.

And pls ignore the trolls, they're talking shite.

Choconut · 23/08/2022 16:31

Trolls? Or just men??

Your OH seems to be seriously lacking in empathy OP, I assume he knows you were raped? To argue that this isn't the worst thing that could happen to someone really is a race to the bottom. He sounds like a prick tbf, along with a couple of posters on here. I just can't comprehend the complete lack of empathy, OP isn't looking for him to 'wring his hands' just to say 'that's fucking awful' and not smirk about people being traumatised or murdered. He's a straight man though and so the risk of something like this happening to him is tiny compared to you - so why should he care? Well actually he should care because he has a daughter too - but still that doesn't seem to stir anything in him. Misogynistic bastard. Is this really the first time he's shown this side of himself?

Outlyingtrout · 23/08/2022 16:31

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You have low emotional intelligence.

SlappersAndFuiters · 23/08/2022 16:32

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Bb16103 · 23/08/2022 16:32

@LetsGoNorth are you OP’s husband?!

LemonDrop22 · 23/08/2022 16:33

Outlyingtrout · 23/08/2022 16:31

You have low emotional intelligence.

Among other things.

Beefcurtains79 · 23/08/2022 16:33

God the trolls are out in force today, ‘Slappers’ has been on here all day with the goady, nasty misogyny, multiple posts deleted on another thread yet still here.

loislovesstewie · 23/08/2022 16:33

The rapist was actually high on spice; when he was arrested, he couldn't even remember immediately what he had done, which is clearly very troubling. I think most people are horrified by what he did, it made me feel sick reading about it, so god knows how his victims are.
Just for info it's possible to request that his sentence is reviewed, and I have done that , asking for the minimum period to be extended. I felt 20 years before seeking parole was a better starting point.

aSofaNearYou · 23/08/2022 16:34

Honestly? I think some people are more distressed by things they read in the news than others. It reads to me that you went into this discussion really upset and intense about it and wouldn't accept anything less than him feeling equally strongly.

I don't know his character and maybe he is a raging misogynist but I actually think it was you escalating this discussion. I think it's normal and common for some people to be a bit more nonchalant about random news stories than others.

Octomore · 23/08/2022 16:34

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Yeah, shortly before he had a good chuckle at the thought of the hammer....

HotWashCycle · 23/08/2022 16:34

OP I am so sorry for what you have gone through here - the original traumas and to have it thrown back in your face by your own DP, which is quite appalling. I could not get past what he said and his light hearted attitude to male violence on women.
Do you want to leave him? If so, please do. He does not sound good husband/partner material and I am sure you can do better with either yourself and DC, or with a decent man who has empathy and compassion. Flowers

LemonDrop22 · 23/08/2022 16:35

dpshownhistruecolours · 23/08/2022 16:30

We have been together for 7 years, he is 28. I didn't think it would be relevant tbh.

I am reading all the replies on the thread by the way, just trying to take everything in.

That's very young.

It's easy not to realise someone is a cretin when you get together with then very young.