To have said no on this occasion?

[CrockOff]

Seems like I'm enemy number one at the moment with this but anyway..

DH is going away on Friday for the weekend with work. He doesn't travel with work that often but it's needed this weekend.

I'm actually really looking forward to it! We have a young son together who is 5 and my plan was to have some well needed down time together. I've booked the cinema Friday night and was going to take him shopping on the Saturday for some treats and go out for tea together. He's really looking forward to his "mummy weekend" as he calls it.

My husband and his ex share two DC who are 8 & 10.

She has been invited to a wedding on the Friday and has asked DH if he'll swap the weekend so she can go (it's a childfree wedding apparently). He originally said no then she asked me and I've said no sorry too.

This is where its hard. She's difficult sometimes. If there is something she really wants to do but can't, she gets very nasty and will sometimes refuse to let DH see them the next time he's due to because in her mind he doesn't care about seeing them extra blah blah. She usually comes around quite quickly so he doesn't go without seeing them for long but he'll go through a day or so of stress trying to reason with her.

DH is asking me to concede on this weekend to save him the stress of dealing with his ex or risk not being able to see DSC when he gets back, asking me to 'do it for him'. But I just don't want to. I hate that this woman can control my life like this and I'm just expected to meekly change my plans around hers whenever she snaps her fingers. She has family, she should ask them if we've said no (she doesn't like putting on her parents apparently but is happy to put on me...).

I'm aware my resentment on her is probably being a big driving force behind my refusal to help this weekend but I'm honestly sick of her. She thinks she is in control of everyone around her and we, even my son, are just expected to agree to whatever she wants.

I don't want to take DSC with us. I want this to be our weekend, they will change the entire time and as much as I do like them, I want to focus the time entirely on my son and spoil him a bit.

If she can't go to her wedding well frankly I really don't care!

[Whataretheodds]

She has no idea what you do or don't have planned for this weekend. If she thinks she can keep pushing you around and using the kids as a weapon then she will do so.

[Bonheurdupasse]

Hold firm OP.

She will relent re your DH not seeing the kids the weekend after or whenever she'll soon want her child free time.

[CrockOff]

@Whataretheodds

She has no idea what you do or don't have planned for this weekend. If she thinks she can keep pushing you around and using the kids as a weapon then she will do so.

I've said this to DH so many times. If we keep agreeing she will never stop doing it. He'd rather just pacify to keep the kids from being in the middle of arguing parents though which I get but it's not my problem either.

[mangomama91]

YADNBU!
It's a wedding so I assume she would have known about the date for a while so she should've sorted out childcare for her children a lot sooner than less then a week to go! I get it for your husband it would be easy for to change your plans but that's not fair on you!
Definitely stick with your no and enjoy your lovely mummy and son weekend!

[CrockOff]

It's a wedding so I assume she would have known about the date for a while

Another typical thing with her. Not letting us know until just before she needs something and then acting affronted when we can't.

[cariadlet]

You are entitled to make your own plans and to stick to them.

Enjoy your "mummy weekend" with your own son.

[Pava22]

I would say no and either she will have to miss the wedding or dh will have to sort alternative child care with her. Either a sitter or a family/friend. I would normally say yabu and family etc. But if she does it regularly then dh needs to sort it.

[SleepingAgent]

Ummmm isn't contact time for the kids to see their Dad mostly? He isn't even going to be there! Yes it's nice to be a blended family yah yah but why the heck should you and your son have to change plans to accommodate something she should have sorted ages ago - the wedding won't have been sprung on her last minute!

So it would still be a firm no from me too.

[coconutpie]

YANBU. You have plans, say no. Not your problem. Enjoy your weekend with DS.

[Heartrate]

Who gets invited to a wedding at a week's notice?

If it was a wedding invitation with normal timescales, I'd have agreed, guests don't get control over a wedding date, but not this.

If DH really wants to do it, he'll have to find a way to change his arrangements or find someone else to have them.

[CrockOff]

DH has started with the 'but they'll be no trouble' stuff. It's not the point. They could be good as gold and I still wouldn't want to bring them on this one occasion. I understand he maybe doesn't get that as they are all his children though.

I do understand where he's coming from too about finding it easier for him and the kids to just have minimal conflict where possible but it's just not my problem that his ex is a horror (when she wants to be, she can also be fairly normal and even nice sometimes but only until she doesn't get her way).

[WorkingItOutAsIGo]

i love the phrase: your lack of planning doesn’t constitute an emergency on my part. So no, don’t do it.

[CrockOff]

She said it was a last minute thing due to Covid, the wedding couple are just throwing a party and calling it a wedding as theirs was delayed due to Covid. But tbh I don't believe her. It's absolutely typical of her not to make arrangements in decent time.

[Youaremysunshine14]

Simple: he needs to cancel his work weekend and look after them himself if he doesn't want the stress of refusing her.

[cannypants]

@Youaremysunshine14

Simple: he needs to cancel his work weekend and look after them himself if he doesn't want the stress of refusing her.

This!

[Justleaveitblankthen]

Absolutely not. A flat "No, sorry" is more than enough.
She's one heck of a CF.

[pimlicoanna]

Don't reward her poor behaviour! Stick to no.

[Brigante9]

You’re not the childcare for HIS children. It’s pretty outrageous that he’s asking you to change plans because she’s an arse. Just no.

[GreenIsle]

I would say no, another option is to only take them after your cinemas time starts and get them picked up early Saturday morning so it won't impact on your day with ds.

[Glittertwins]

So DH doesn't travel for work then.
You've got your plans already made, but even if you didn't, you are not the unpaid childcare.

[AnneLovesGilbert]

No. No. No.

[Justleaveitblankthen]

Actually, not even "Sorry", I think the words "Unfortunately it's a no" will do. No apology necessary 😎

[Luredbyapomegranate]

Just say no, sorry, this is my weekend with our child and we’re both looking forward to it.

Also point out that this cannot be an important wedding if she is only being asked now, so it doesn’t count as an emergency.

[LookItsMeAgain]

So it's actually not an actual wedding it is a party to celebrate an already wed couple???

There are so many things that the others have posted up but surely she has a whole other side to HER family (not her former husband/spouse) like her parents and her siblings that she could tap for childcare but hasn't???

I'm also in Camp Hell No!

[Luredbyapomegranate]

Also OP, sometimes in life you have to accept being unpopular to get what you want. It’s good to get comfortable with this, so treat this as an opportunity to do that.