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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have said no on this occasion?

240 replies

CrockOff · 22/08/2022 13:37

Seems like I'm enemy number one at the moment with this but anyway..

DH is going away on Friday for the weekend with work. He doesn't travel with work that often but it's needed this weekend.

I'm actually really looking forward to it! We have a young son together who is 5 and my plan was to have some well needed down time together. I've booked the cinema Friday night and was going to take him shopping on the Saturday for some treats and go out for tea together. He's really looking forward to his "mummy weekend" as he calls it.

My husband and his ex share two DC who are 8 & 10.

She has been invited to a wedding on the Friday and has asked DH if he'll swap the weekend so she can go (it's a childfree wedding apparently). He originally said no then she asked me and I've said no sorry too.

This is where its hard. She's difficult sometimes. If there is something she really wants to do but can't, she gets very nasty and will sometimes refuse to let DH see them the next time he's due to because in her mind he doesn't care about seeing them extra blah blah. She usually comes around quite quickly so he doesn't go without seeing them for long but he'll go through a day or so of stress trying to reason with her.

DH is asking me to concede on this weekend to save him the stress of dealing with his ex or risk not being able to see DSC when he gets back, asking me to 'do it for him'. But I just don't want to. I hate that this woman can control my life like this and I'm just expected to meekly change my plans around hers whenever she snaps her fingers. She has family, she should ask them if we've said no (she doesn't like putting on her parents apparently but is happy to put on me...).

I'm aware my resentment on her is probably being a big driving force behind my refusal to help this weekend but I'm honestly sick of her. She thinks she is in control of everyone around her and we, even my son, are just expected to agree to whatever she wants.

I don't want to take DSC with us. I want this to be our weekend, they will change the entire time and as much as I do like them, I want to focus the time entirely on my son and spoil him a bit.

If she can't go to her wedding well frankly I really don't care!

OP posts:
Ponderingwindow · 22/08/2022 14:28

has He not bothered to get a formal contact agreement? Is he simply relying on her cooperation to let him see his children?

it’s not your problem if he hasn’t bothered to formalize access to his own children.

GlitteryGreen · 22/08/2022 14:29

No way!! You are not her babysitter, and their dad isn't even going to be there to see them. She needs to find someone else to have them for the Friday evening, end of.

elfycat · 22/08/2022 14:30

Contact is solely for the father to have a relationship with his children. That's it. It's not for a parent to have time off to themselves with free babysitting. (I mean do you ever get a child free weekend? In 13 years I've had half a dozen). I get that the kids are (step) family. But would I drop my plans to babysit my goddaughter, or nieces and nephews, because of poor planning on my sister's part. No I would not.

Their father isn't going to be there so there's no contact this weekend (as planned). This makes you a free babysitter doing her a favour. Do you want to babysit as a favour to her, for free? No.

This is a problem of her making, she needs to find childcare, like any other non separated( Or reasonable) parent would. Say no, mean no.

Welshrarebitontoast · 22/08/2022 14:30

stand firm @CrockOff and good luck.

AlisonDonut · 22/08/2022 14:31

Stop trying to reason with her and just go and do your thing.

You are entitled to a weekend with your child when you want it.

Emotionalsupportviper · 22/08/2022 14:34

Bonheurdupasse · 22/08/2022 13:40

Hold firm OP.

She will relent re your DH not seeing the kids the weekend after or whenever she'll soon want her child free time.

THIS

allinatizzy · 22/08/2022 14:35

No way! Your husband shouldn't be putting this on you. As you say, she's not your ex, and the kids will be perfectly fine. She can find someone else, or she can miss the wedding.

If your husband hadn't remarried, there'd be no built-in childcare when he's working or away. There's no real reason it should be any different simply because he did remarry. You're married to him, not his ex. She should get used to the idea that you're not her first port of call when she needs emergency childcare and your DH isn't available.

lisavanderpumpscloset · 22/08/2022 14:37

Stand firm. Your DH needs to get a grip. This is not your problem. He isn't here this weekend ergo no one is available to take care of HIS DC.

Your planned weekend with your DC sounds absolutely lovely and I really hope it works out the way you want.

Squaffle · 22/08/2022 14:39

Stick to your guns OP, and enjoy your lovely weekend.

GlitteryGreen · 22/08/2022 14:40

CrockOff · 22/08/2022 14:26

it hasn’t, though, stopped her being shitty every time he declines being her free babysitter. She really threw it at him recently (and I suspect has had a rant to the kids also) about how many times he’s declined “to spend extra time with them” (read: declined to cancel his plans for her). Just a thick skin is required.

It's funny isn't it how they are only concerned about their child's father spending extra time with the kids when it coincides with them wanting to get rid of them for the weekend so they can do something. Funny coincidence.

Yes it's pathetic and they really don't see the irony of the fact they are the ones trying to palm their children off.

Emotionalsupportviper · 22/08/2022 14:42

Youaremysunshine14 · 22/08/2022 13:48

Simple: he needs to cancel his work weekend and look after them himself if he doesn't want the stress of refusing her.

Agreed

Creepymanonagoatfarm · 22/08/2022 14:42

Remind your dh who he is married to. There is one woman he should be pacifying and it bloody ain't her

3peassuit · 22/08/2022 14:44

Hold firm. DH is working and you have made plans. If she wants to change arrangements she must give proper notice and understand that you and DH cannot always accommodate her. Whatever you do don’t apologise, it’s not your fault she is stuck for childcare.

Derbee · 22/08/2022 14:46

Absolutely not. Stand firm, and enjoy your weekend with your son. Speaking as someone who has a DP with a manipulative and demanding ex, just stick to arranged plans and don’t pander to her. Before too long, the children will be old enough to see her behaviour for what it is.

Festoonlights · 22/08/2022 14:49

No chance.
Dh can cancel his weekend away or tells her straight.
Di not buckle or you will have a lifetime of resentment

Ariela · 22/08/2022 14:50

Tell your DH to say he cannot change at this short notice as he is working away and that you and DS are also 'away'. And that next time she really needs to give a bit better notice.

MadeForThis · 22/08/2022 14:51

Your DH isn't there so he can't look after the kids. Simple.

EverythingHeadinSouth · 22/08/2022 14:51

No. It's generally the right thing to do to support your DP in their relationship with their children and their mother. However, the bottom line is you are not her childcare. If she gets stroppy about it and makes things difficult then that is for your DP to deal with. It's also perfectly reasonable that you will sometimes wish to prioritise your own child, as you wish to do on this occasion.

Ultimately, it boils down to (IMHO) the old adage of "give an inch and they'll take a mile" and that applies both to your DP and your ex. Why should they get everything their way at the expense of you and your son? Doesn't sound like she's the sort to repay the favour either. I expect also she has other people she could call on to watch her kids but either way that's her problem to solve.

Agadoodoododont · 22/08/2022 14:51

My ex’s ex-W was like this, used the children to get her own way. Had not only ex-h dancing to her tune but his parents as well—- they would openly say they were scared she’d stop them seeing the gc. No one would stand up to her —- she’d even instruct ex on where to take children on his weekend with them.

No is enough, your ds deserves 1:1 time with you and you with him.

Orangello · 22/08/2022 14:54

as others have said, don't do it. Genuine emergency - sure. But she's known about the wedding probably for months! But as you say, now expects you to jump without even having the courtesy to inform you in advance.

If you don't nip it in the bud right now, you will end up like a friend of mine, whose entire life and plans are dictated by the ex. husband is a wet blanket, and ex knows she can just change her plans whenever without any consultation, as the husband will always say yes to the detriment of his wife and younger children.

SeaToSki · 22/08/2022 14:56

She sounds like a bully, and unfortunately if you give into one, you dont get ‘an easy life’ you get more of the same or it escalates. The best way to deal with a bully is to stand firm, it might cause some pain in the sort term, but then cuts back the bad behaviour going forward

Clarinet1 · 22/08/2022 14:57

This is another of those situations we hear quite a lot of on MN where separated parents seem to miss the point that one person’s time to have the DC is theirs and the other person’s time to have the DC is that person’s. That includes making childcare arrangements if needed, including paying for them, or missing events they might have liked to attend if the can’t arrange care. At a push I suppose asking to swap times is OK but if it’s a “No” that’s the end of the matter,

Christmasiscominghohoho · 22/08/2022 14:57

Don’t budge! Enjoy your weekend

AlexandriasWindmill · 22/08/2022 14:58

You're not their free childcare.
DH shouldn't even have asked you. He should just have told her he was working and she'd need to find someone else.

Hiphophippityskip1 · 22/08/2022 15:00

Saying they wont be any trouble is rubbish. You have plans that you are being expected to drop or change at short notice yet their father and mother don't have to be inconvenienced? Its two extra children to feed and entertain and no matter how lovely they are it changes the dynamics of your weekend. I would definitely say no.

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