Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have said no on this occasion?

240 replies

CrockOff · 22/08/2022 13:37

Seems like I'm enemy number one at the moment with this but anyway..

DH is going away on Friday for the weekend with work. He doesn't travel with work that often but it's needed this weekend.

I'm actually really looking forward to it! We have a young son together who is 5 and my plan was to have some well needed down time together. I've booked the cinema Friday night and was going to take him shopping on the Saturday for some treats and go out for tea together. He's really looking forward to his "mummy weekend" as he calls it.

My husband and his ex share two DC who are 8 & 10.

She has been invited to a wedding on the Friday and has asked DH if he'll swap the weekend so she can go (it's a childfree wedding apparently). He originally said no then she asked me and I've said no sorry too.

This is where its hard. She's difficult sometimes. If there is something she really wants to do but can't, she gets very nasty and will sometimes refuse to let DH see them the next time he's due to because in her mind he doesn't care about seeing them extra blah blah. She usually comes around quite quickly so he doesn't go without seeing them for long but he'll go through a day or so of stress trying to reason with her.

DH is asking me to concede on this weekend to save him the stress of dealing with his ex or risk not being able to see DSC when he gets back, asking me to 'do it for him'. But I just don't want to. I hate that this woman can control my life like this and I'm just expected to meekly change my plans around hers whenever she snaps her fingers. She has family, she should ask them if we've said no (she doesn't like putting on her parents apparently but is happy to put on me...).

I'm aware my resentment on her is probably being a big driving force behind my refusal to help this weekend but I'm honestly sick of her. She thinks she is in control of everyone around her and we, even my son, are just expected to agree to whatever she wants.

I don't want to take DSC with us. I want this to be our weekend, they will change the entire time and as much as I do like them, I want to focus the time entirely on my son and spoil him a bit.

If she can't go to her wedding well frankly I really don't care!

OP posts:
10HailMarys · 22/08/2022 15:00

Totally reasonable to say no. If your DH wants to keep the peace with his ex, he needs to cancel his own plans and do something with his children while you keep your promise to your five-year-old. I'm sure his kids are lovely and probably would indeed be good as gold, so this isn't about them - it's just about their mum taking the piss and you having made plans already. Your DH's ex needs to sort something out; it's not like she wouldn't have known about this wedding for months.

Jamaisy82 · 22/08/2022 15:00

I've been in a few similar situations. My answer would be no I have plans.

LittleOwl153 · 22/08/2022 15:01

If she thinks she can keep pushing you around and using the kids as a weapon then she will do so. If we keep agreeing she will never stop doing it. He'd rather just pacify

DH is asking me to concede on this weekend to save him the stress of dealing with his ex or risk not being able to see DSC when he gets back, asking me to 'do it for him'.

DH has started with the 'but they'll be no trouble' stuff. It's not the point.

So the Ex-W has learnt by keep on at DH and making threats she can get what she wants...

And of you give in DH has learnt that by keep whinging at you, you will give in and he can get what he wants.

And the ones who suffer in all of this YOU and ALL THREE children! just so 2 adults can get what they want.

AbsoluteTruths · 22/08/2022 15:04

Your dh, her ex, won't be there with his kids even if you do take them so she can hardly accuse him of refusing time with them if he's working and it's not his weekend. Tell her to jog on and he had no right asking you.

forrestgreen · 22/08/2022 15:07

'Dh you may be ok with your ex manipulating you, but I have boundaries and the answer is no! Please do not ask again. If you're not here to look after them then the answer will be no. Our ch deserves to be a priority every now and then, and I'm standing up for him.'

Block her tbh

PhatPaws · 22/08/2022 15:08

Simple: he needs to cancel his work weekend and look after them himself if he doesn't want the stress of refusing her.

This

YenneferOfVengabus · 22/08/2022 15:09

Absolutely no fucking way. Your child is your priority, their children should be theirs.
I would tell him that he is to arrange his contact directly with her; you won't be negotiating with his ex to be allowed to spend time with your own child.

DahliaDreamer · 22/08/2022 15:11

CrockOff · 22/08/2022 14:26

it hasn’t, though, stopped her being shitty every time he declines being her free babysitter. She really threw it at him recently (and I suspect has had a rant to the kids also) about how many times he’s declined “to spend extra time with them” (read: declined to cancel his plans for her). Just a thick skin is required.

It's funny isn't it how they are only concerned about their child's father spending extra time with the kids when it coincides with them wanting to get rid of them for the weekend so they can do something. Funny coincidence.

But this where her argument falls down isn't it. He won't be there, so he won't be spending more time with them.

poetryandwine · 22/08/2022 15:12

OP -

You’ve not replied to the question of whether your DH and his ex have a CAO. If not, he urgently needs to get one. It usually stops this nonsense. He does not need her cooperation.

whiteroseredrose · 22/08/2022 15:13

I don't understand why your DH didn't just say that you had plans or were away.

Obviously the answer to his ex is no.

Floralnomad · 22/08/2022 15:17

Totally reasonable to say no , their dad isn’t even going to be home . Does your partner have parents or siblings that would be willing to have them for the weekend - granny bonding time or the like .

AngelinaFibres · 22/08/2022 15:21

cariadlet · 22/08/2022 13:42

You are entitled to make your own plans and to stick to them.

Enjoy your "mummy weekend" with your own son.

This. Say no and mean no.

AnneElliott · 22/08/2022 15:24

I agree you say no. If your DH wants to be helpful he can see if his parents will have them. That or he cancels his weekend working.

Gigi606 · 22/08/2022 15:25

Take the high ground. I’d be furious too but your SC are your family, you knew he had kids when you met him and they’re your child’s siblings. You might not like her but she’s not going anywhere. It fine and totally understandable to be angry but you might need her help one day, whether you get it or not! The kids will have a great time and you can do something else another weekend, life is long.

Ithinkitsenoughnow · 22/08/2022 15:25

It’s not actually extra time with them since 1) she is swapping a weekend and 2) he won’t be there

Zonder · 22/08/2022 15:25

The point of them coming is to spend time with their dad. Their dad won't be there. So the answer is no. You can't offer childcare (which would be a whole separate thing from his contact time) as you have plans. That's the facts.

fufflecake · 22/08/2022 15:26

Your dh shouldn't have even let this fall to you. Either he gives up his break or he tells mum no.

GlitteryGreen · 22/08/2022 15:27

Gigi606 · 22/08/2022 15:25

Take the high ground. I’d be furious too but your SC are your family, you knew he had kids when you met him and they’re your child’s siblings. You might not like her but she’s not going anywhere. It fine and totally understandable to be angry but you might need her help one day, whether you get it or not! The kids will have a great time and you can do something else another weekend, life is long.

Nooo this is crazy!! Why should OP have to cancel her plans just so the ex can continue with hers???

It makes no difference if OP 'knew he had kids when she met him' - that doesn't mean she's on the hook for babysitting every time he or his ex fancies doing something else?!

onelittlefrog · 22/08/2022 15:27

This is nothing to do with the 8 & 10 year old having time with their dad - he's not even going to be there.

This is about free child care and you should absolutely not allow it.

I'm surprised your husband isn't on your side with this to be honest, it's very controlling behaviour.

AM453 · 22/08/2022 15:28

Gigi606 · 22/08/2022 15:25

Take the high ground. I’d be furious too but your SC are your family, you knew he had kids when you met him and they’re your child’s siblings. You might not like her but she’s not going anywhere. It fine and totally understandable to be angry but you might need her help one day, whether you get it or not! The kids will have a great time and you can do something else another weekend, life is long.

OP, don't follow that advice.

fufflecake · 22/08/2022 15:30

Gigi606 · 22/08/2022 15:25

Take the high ground. I’d be furious too but your SC are your family, you knew he had kids when you met him and they’re your child’s siblings. You might not like her but she’s not going anywhere. It fine and totally understandable to be angry but you might need her help one day, whether you get it or not! The kids will have a great time and you can do something else another weekend, life is long.

What does OP knowing her DH have kids when they gor married have to do with anything?

TarasChoc · 22/08/2022 15:30

It's quiet manipulative of your husband to ask you to "do this for me" ask him how he'd feel if you asked him to cancel his work trip for you and they're his children he'd be prioritising not step children.
It's good that he wants to save his children conflict but why does he expect it to be at your expense?

SudocremOnEverything · 22/08/2022 15:31

GlitteryGreen · 22/08/2022 15:27

Nooo this is crazy!! Why should OP have to cancel her plans just so the ex can continue with hers???

It makes no difference if OP 'knew he had kids when she met him' - that doesn't mean she's on the hook for babysitting every time he or his ex fancies doing something else?!

Show quote history

There’s always one @GlitteryGreen. Always.

98% sensible people. But two percent are determined that the OP must be unreasonable for failing to recognise that the small print in the marriage certificate said that her husband’s ex would be her boss and she’d be duty bound to do as she’s told (because that makes life easiest for her husband).

fufflecake · 22/08/2022 15:39

Gigi606 · 22/08/2022 15:25

Take the high ground. I’d be furious too but your SC are your family, you knew he had kids when you met him and they’re your child’s siblings. You might not like her but she’s not going anywhere. It fine and totally understandable to be angry but you might need her help one day, whether you get it or not! The kids will have a great time and you can do something else another weekend, life is long.

And no life is not necessarily long.

BOOTS52PollyPrissyPants · 22/08/2022 15:45

Stick to your plans that you had already made and enjoy your time with your little son as these times are precious. She could have asked weeks ago but left it last minute so would not be pushed into saying yes. They are your husband's children so why should you have to mind them when you already have plans so she can go party. The amount of women who think they can just expect other's to mind their children so they can party is unbelievable and then get annoyed and sulk for ages after. Stick to your guns and tell your husband calmly if he needs them minded ask his parents or family to do so as you have plans and not cancelling it or changing plans. Why should you have a hectic weekend of kids when you are looking forward to time with your son.

Swipe left for the next trending thread