Moving away. AIBU that family should come and see us?

[ChoccyWoccyHoHa]

Myself, dh and my elderly dad are moving away very soon. Myself and dh are nearly 60 and retired. My dad is in his 80s and will be living in assisted living accommodation not far from our new house. Our dream is to pursue our own hobbies and interests in a location we love.

We will be moving away from our son, his wife and their children. Our grandchildren are 3 and 10 months. Although we're excited to start the next chapter of our lives in a quieter, more rural place, I'm worried we're going to miss out on family. Everytime we talk about ds and family coming up to stay with us they're very non commital. I've offered for gc to stay without ds and dil but they're not keen. It will be a 3/4 hour journey for them, taking into account their youngest doesn't travel well and will need to stop on route.

We've been living about 20/25 mins away from them and see each other fairly regularly. We have been looking after their eldest one afternoon a week while they work but obviously that will be changing. We plan to come and stay near them so we can see them so it isn't all on them. But I know they struggle. Ds has got various health issues, dil had pnd badly and their ds is being assessed for special needs. They moved house themselves quite recently. Both ds and dil also work. So maybe the timing isn't great for them, I know their day to day life can be hard but we need to think about our own lives and happiness.

But AIBU to think that they should make an effort to see us when we move? Are we doing the right thing with this move when effectively we could be cutting ourselves off from them unintentionally?

Wow it's not a reverse? YANBU to move but YABU to expect it not to damage your relationship with your son, dil and grandchildren. There is no way I'd be travelling 3/4 hours each way to go visit, leaving on a Friday night, back Sunday night with young kids, working etc. No chance. Maybe at Christmas!
You're retired - you do the travelling if you want to see them! Weekends are so so short and kids have clubs, parties etc. Go ahead but don't expect many visits.

Unfortunately, you’ll need to realise that this is a long trip with children and while both parents are working. Not to mention what type of accommodation you have for them (added cost and hassle if they have to stay in a hotel). Then the children will have activities and parties at weekends as they get older. You may realistically need to think about visiting them more than they visit you as really it is easier for you to travel to them.

did you think about this when choosing to move that far away? We’re looking at our next chapter too but are looking no more than an hour away from where we are now (30 minutes train from London) with main line train not more than 20 minutes drive from new home specifically so our adult children (and eventual grandchildren) will not have much difficulty coming to visit and we can get to them to visit or meet up easily.

The reason people think it is a reverse is because they can't believe you would expect this family to travel to see you regularly under the circumstances so they think it must actually be written by the daughter in law.

Too far and too much travelling and upheaval for a weekend so maybe they will come to stay with you for a summer holiday sometimes or stay near by and meet up with you.

You can absolutely live wherever you choose but your physical distance will mean a regular meet up with this family is not possible.

Are you not worried about what life will be like for the remaining partner if you or your partner passed away? Will you have enough support in the new area as a widow or would you want to move back? If you would want to move back would you be moving your now very elderly father or leaving him there?

If it was affordable would you consider a holiday lodge in the new area - you and your partner could pursue your hobbies and enjoy the outdoors but have home to come back to and come back for Christmas and maybe over winter. I appreciate with rising bills this would be a luxury few could afford.

Just to be clear Holiday Lodge/caravan on a site Not Second Home - as in second residential house destroying communities.

It's either a reverse or both MIL and DIL are on MN.

www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4484541-Inlaws-abandoning-us-to-move-away

YABVU.

DP and I moved from 150 miles from where most of our family and friends were/are, and we fully accepted that we the onus was on us to make more than 50% of the effort to meet up.

As it turned out, family and friends come and see us at least as often as we go to London, but that was absolutely not our expectation.

Whatever your reasons, you chose to move, so you should be prepared to make more of the effort required to keep up contact. If people choose not to make the effort to visit you, that’s their prerogative.

YABU you might have to accept that you will only see your gc if you travel to them, i understand why you are moving and your reasons you want a life and your hobbies away from the rat run as you put it, but moving has to come at a cost, if i was your son i would be annoyed at you for even expecting them to visit, they have work, health issues and 2 children and one of them possibly has problems. what happens if you or your husband die, are you going to be happy staying so far away on your own. i visit my dad once a year, i am not good at travelling and it is a 5 hour journey and two trains to get there. i hope you are happy in your new home and don't regret it later on down the line.

My in-laws used to go to their caravan every weekend and couldn't understand why we didn't go all the time to relax and enjoy the countryside as it was only an hour away.
The reality was that their grandchildren had homework/parties/rugby/activities every weekend and also needed some downtime at home after busy weeks.

My in laws live a similar distance away (my family are further) and constantly guilt trip is about not visiting more often. My daughter gets dreadfully car sick and the journey is mostly on windy roads. It’s bloody miserable for us all.
We’re quite happy FaceTiming most of the time with 1 visit a year.

i don’t think you’re selfish to move, but it sounds tricky for them to visit so please don’t lay a guilt trip on them.

In a perfect world it would turn out that the OP is moving close to the other DiL and that her MIL is moving close to the OPs son.

(dances away through the meadow with bluebirds flying overhead )

Did your offer of having the GC extend to picking them up and dropping them back too?

otherwise it’s a useless offer.

Yes, it's a massive pain in the a$$ for them to visit you!
Having two young children is extremely challenging at the best of times - then throw in a long journey and staying in a strange place with none of the kid stuff you have at home to make things easier...nightmare!
I have some experience of this as a family member has recently moved.
Why don't you think about...

Is it fair for me to ask my child, who already works and looks after two young children, to travel 3-4 hours regularly to see me?

Presumably they work Monday to Friday...is it fair for me to ask them to come up on Saturday morning and stay 24 hours to then do the return leg of the journey back?

Or perhaps you think they should use some of their precious annual leave to come and visit you?

By all means move to an area you love, indulge in the hobbies you want, but don't be surprised if you see little of your family. They are at a stage of life where they don't have a spare second - and it is exhausting when family don't respect that.

Is it selfish to want somewhere peaceful to live, away from the rat run we've been in for years. My husband had a major heart operation a few years ago and it made us re-evaluate our lives. We didn't have our parents around when we were working and our children were little and we all survived. It was never going to be easy but hopefully we'll make it work.

Well yes, it is selfish. I can't really understand how anyone could argue otherwise. It's the very definition of selfish I.e. to be chiefly concerned with one's own pleasure or profit without regard for anyone else's. In this case you and your husband are primarily concerned with living in a particular location because you like it and because you can do your hobbies there, and you aren't dissuaded by your son and his family needing your support or by the fact that it will undoubtedly have a profound impact on your relationships with him and your grandchildren. You "re-evaluated your lives" and realised that your children and grandchildren aren't your priority.

It is your choice, of course, but I don't know why you need to pretend it's anything other than what it is.

I think you aren’t unreasonable to
do what you want to do at 60 when you are retirees, but you are very unreasonable to expect that your child and family traipse to see you on a regular basis.

You are also moving away from family who could support you as you grow older - you are fine now but in the future if you do need help in a regular basis, you are going to be on your own In a rural location and will be very unreasonable indeed to expect any practical support

I think people are suggesting you are really the DIL pretending to be the Mil in order to get unbiased responses- and they perhaps think that because you seem quite detached and unsympathetic, Op. if you're being a bit 'well too bad, we need to put ourselves first' then you can't in truth be surprised when they do the same?

You could be my parent but for a few details….moved 5.5 hours away to new-ish partners place of birth. Both left adult children and multiple grandchildren.
moved for a bigger house in a rural location.

if this is real, they moved 18m ago and we’ve visited twice (currently here).
Next visit Easter 2023 at the very earliest, but could well be next summer.

we just don’t want to use all our leave on travelling with small children. And the cost of diesel these days.

my parent also suggested sending the children to them for the holidays. I laughed, they’re early primary aged, and because of the distance don’t have a close relationship and probably won’t. So won’t want/feel comfortable staying without parents so far from home.

YANBU to move, but YABU to expect regular visits.

I think you are a bit bonkers to move away from your local support network. I think within 10 years you could be regretting this move big time. If one of you falls ill etc how will your son be able to help you?

I think you're being very unrealistic about what this move will offer you.

It will offer you hobbies and nicer scenery.

But you need to be prepared that it WILL cost you in your relationships with the children and grandchildren. The grandchildren won't know you all that well. They'll love you, and see you periodically, but it'll be different to what you have at the moment.

I'm not saying you shouldn't move, but do it with the realisation that it will distance your relationships and that's on YOU, not them.

I also think it's pretty shitty to acknowledge their stressors and add to it. Adding the expectation that they'll visit you and leave their children with you, when they have so much going on, is a bit egocentric.

Just wanted to say we are in the exact same position with our in laws. And this thread has made me feel better than we don’t/can’t visit then loads 🤷‍♀️

As pp have said, you're perfectly entitled to prioritise yourselves and your son and family are perfectly entitled to prioritise themselves. What is unreasonable is prioritising yourselves and then complaining when other people do the same and don't prioritise you.

I'm sure your son and DIL will manage without your help, but one thing which will make it easier for them is not having the guilt piled on them frequently to drag two very small children on a very long and unpleasant car journey. Why would you want that for your grandchildren anyway?

We are making big sacrifices for this move. Moving away from our son, grandchildren, my brother, friends, etc. And it will mean that my husband is even further away from his family. We've explained to everyone our reasons for moving.

If you are looking on it as "making big sacrifices" and haven't posted anything positive about why you are moving to where you are moving, I think that is strange.
I absolutely do NOT think parents of adult dc should arrange their whole lives around their dc, and I completely think slightly older adults should choose to live where it suits them to live but you sound as if everything about this move is negative. That is what is odd about it.

YABVU to expect them to visit more than once a year - it's just not practical.

They will rarely visit. Right now they need you but they will have to learn to live without you. Once they do, you will become somewhere they go maybe as much as every six months.

Life, hobbies, not much annual leave etc will just mean that they’ll come less and less.

You move = you travel.

Ybvu. I hate doing a long drive with my 12 year old who can occupy himself. It can be the 7th circle of hell doing 4 hours with a toddler and baby.

You're retired with free time and no dependent kids, you're the ones moving, you should do the travelling.

YABVU to expect your ds and his family to visit you. You're retired with time for hobbies, your DF will be in assisted living and your ds and his family are going through difficult times.

Another thought you might not have considered is that who do you think will provide any future care for you and your already health-compromised DH? The rural areas look pretty nice so many people move there, so not only are the people who provide care at pitiful wages in short supply (been priced out) but the ratio of demand for elderly care becomes excessively top-heavy.