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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Moving away. AIBU that family should come and see us?

236 replies

ChoccyWoccyHoHa · 21/08/2022 16:46

Myself, dh and my elderly dad are moving away very soon. Myself and dh are nearly 60 and retired. My dad is in his 80s and will be living in assisted living accommodation not far from our new house. Our dream is to pursue our own hobbies and interests in a location we love.

We will be moving away from our son, his wife and their children. Our grandchildren are 3 and 10 months. Although we're excited to start the next chapter of our lives in a quieter, more rural place, I'm worried we're going to miss out on family. Everytime we talk about ds and family coming up to stay with us they're very non commital. I've offered for gc to stay without ds and dil but they're not keen. It will be a 3/4 hour journey for them, taking into account their youngest doesn't travel well and will need to stop on route.

We've been living about 20/25 mins away from them and see each other fairly regularly. We have been looking after their eldest one afternoon a week while they work but obviously that will be changing. We plan to come and stay near them so we can see them so it isn't all on them. But I know they struggle. Ds has got various health issues, dil had pnd badly and their ds is being assessed for special needs. They moved house themselves quite recently. Both ds and dil also work. So maybe the timing isn't great for them, I know their day to day life can be hard but we need to think about our own lives and happiness.

But AIBU to think that they should make an effort to see us when we move? Are we doing the right thing with this move when effectively we could be cutting ourselves off from them unintentionally?

OP posts:
warriorathena · 21/08/2022 22:31

@Pipsquiggle

Yes it certainly is 'crap' for us. I feel they literally choose them over us due to favouritism. They also moved away from their elderly parents and their business too such was their preference for BILs family. We felt completely ditched. Plus we've endured years of them paying for BILs expensive holidays (this years alone was around £15k), £30k wedding, business loans etc which by my estimate has exceeded > £150k! Little help for us in comparison. Maybe you can see why they did it, but it doesn't feel nice from the other side. But I digress.....

Rowen32 · 21/08/2022 22:34

ChoccyWoccyHoHa · 21/08/2022 16:46

Myself, dh and my elderly dad are moving away very soon. Myself and dh are nearly 60 and retired. My dad is in his 80s and will be living in assisted living accommodation not far from our new house. Our dream is to pursue our own hobbies and interests in a location we love.

We will be moving away from our son, his wife and their children. Our grandchildren are 3 and 10 months. Although we're excited to start the next chapter of our lives in a quieter, more rural place, I'm worried we're going to miss out on family. Everytime we talk about ds and family coming up to stay with us they're very non commital. I've offered for gc to stay without ds and dil but they're not keen. It will be a 3/4 hour journey for them, taking into account their youngest doesn't travel well and will need to stop on route.

We've been living about 20/25 mins away from them and see each other fairly regularly. We have been looking after their eldest one afternoon a week while they work but obviously that will be changing. We plan to come and stay near them so we can see them so it isn't all on them. But I know they struggle. Ds has got various health issues, dil had pnd badly and their ds is being assessed for special needs. They moved house themselves quite recently. Both ds and dil also work. So maybe the timing isn't great for them, I know their day to day life can be hard but we need to think about our own lives and happiness.

But AIBU to think that they should make an effort to see us when we move? Are we doing the right thing with this move when effectively we could be cutting ourselves off from them unintentionally?

Gosh, I'm sorry but I couldn't fathom doing that road trip with kids that age.. I just couldn't do it - maybe broken up into three trips of an hour with stops but that's a whole day travelling and then back, its a lot of work..

Butchyrestingface · 21/08/2022 22:36

I don't understand why people think this is a reverse. I don't even know what you mean by that.

If you don't know what a "reverse" is, then you can't have an opinion either way on why people would think it is one, Mrs Reverse McReverseFace.

JenniferBarkley · 21/08/2022 22:37

Butchyrestingface · 21/08/2022 22:36

I don't understand why people think this is a reverse. I don't even know what you mean by that.

If you don't know what a "reverse" is, then you can't have an opinion either way on why people would think it is one, Mrs Reverse McReverseFace.

Oh that did make me snort.

Lovemypeaceandquiet · 21/08/2022 22:37

PatriciaHolm · 21/08/2022 16:49

I'm calling reverse on this one....

Yes, a reverse of a thread I’ve seen a couple of months ago - with the OP complaining that her in laws/parents (I can’t remember exactly) are ‘abandoning’ her.

Rowen32 · 21/08/2022 22:37

ChoccyWoccyHoHa · 21/08/2022 19:19

I don't understand why people think this is a reverse. I don't even know what you mean by that.

Is it selfish to want somewhere peaceful to live, away from the rat run we've been in for years. My husband had a major heart operation a few years ago and it made us re-evaluate our lives. We didn't have our parents around when we were working and our children were little and we all survived. It was never going to be easy but hopefully we'll make it work.

Is there a reason you've to move so far away? Even 2 hours would be more manageable. I wouldn't be doing trips like that until the kids are much older, able to read books, play board games etc to entertain themselves..

JenniferBarkley · 21/08/2022 22:38

Lovemypeaceandquiet · 21/08/2022 22:37

Yes, a reverse of a thread I’ve seen a couple of months ago - with the OP complaining that her in laws/parents (I can’t remember exactly) are ‘abandoning’ her.

Show quote history

I posted the link above a couple of hours ago.

whiteroseredrose · 21/08/2022 22:41

Oh God, your update makes it worse.

DH's parents live 3 hours from us. They are now v elderly with a number of illnesses and we think MIL is starting with dementia.

Unfortunately we cannot help. We did ask them to move closer to us 10 and 5 years ago but they wouldn't. Now they are really too frail to do much themselves and it is awful.

A colleague's DP moved to Wales for the sea air when they retired. She is in the same situation. Her DM is v ill but she is stuck. And COVID was even more of a nightmare.

There is a lot to be said for having family around as you get older.

Pipsquiggle · 21/08/2022 22:41

@warriorathena yes that does sound rubbish and blatant favouritism

glassdarker · 21/08/2022 22:44

Wow.

Of course it's not unreasonable to want a different life. But it is definitely unreasonable to expect your DS and family to either be happy about that in the short term or to visit.

My DPs live 4 hours away in a beautiful part of the country, with me choosing (post uni) not to live there (no jobs!). We see each other on average every 2-3 months, with us choosing to holiday there 2-3 times a year and them visiting us 1-2 times. Taking the emotion out of it there are some really practical things you need to think of:

  • weekend visits will not happen - we have done this once for a very special occasion. This will not change much as they get older, it's too much travel for everyone.
  • it will change your relationship - having to visit and spend a concentrated period of time together is very different to much more regular but small visits.
  • even if you make the effort to visit you need to bear in mind it won't be the same. If you stay with them that's frankly a whole lot of extra stress and work for them. If you don't you may find it difficult to have access to a suitable base for them to visit, and you won't have the ready stash of stuff which GPS usually have to make visits with young kids easier, nor will it be a familiar environment for them.
Adversity · 21/08/2022 22:49

I have done that trip with small dc many times but I moved away from my home town. My family rarely visited.

toooldtocarewhoknows · 21/08/2022 22:50

It's absolutely not unreasonable to want to retire to a more rural area.

But I would not be expecting a visit from your son more than once a year, maybe every other year if you are visiting them regularly. It's a long way with little children and requires planning and staying.

As you are retired and have free time you should probably expect to be doing the majority of visiting. Can they accommodate you when you visit?

Is your home in a tourist area maybe by the coast so you could offer them a holiday break during school holidays when the children reach that age?
That might be a nice way to see them too.

I know I'd always struggle being in a different county to my children. My husbands family are all quite a drive away too and we see them once a year.

user1583920194858592910103848559201 · 21/08/2022 22:51

It's not selfish to move and it's not selfish that your kids don't want to drive 4 hours to visit you.

You'll more than likely need to travel to them because a 4 hour drive for you will more likely be 5.5 with young kids.

You need to accept that you'll be a Christmas and birthday grandparent

Tee20x · 21/08/2022 22:54

You are being so massively unreasonable. There is no issue with moving away, living your dreams and passions etc. The issue is moving away and expecting your family to just roll with it and visit frequently despite YOU being the one moving.

You've literally listed several reasons that complicate matters but seem to have an issue with them being non-committal about visiting you?

Strange.

Daisy03 · 21/08/2022 22:56

Reverse

gogogadgetgo · 21/08/2022 22:57

Fuck me. If it's not a reverse you're just one of the most obtuse 50 somethings I've met.

As everyone has said. You can move wherever the hell you like. But if you move far away you have to accept that distance will make it harder to see people.

You're moving 3/4 hours away and are pissed your family are non committal about coming over.

Your DIL has Pnd, a 10 month old that doesn't travel well and a 3 year old being assessed for additional needs.

But they're not prepared to do a 8 hour round trip to see you?

You don't mention anywhere about you making the trip to see them.

You can't see how unreasonable you're being?

Life is busy for them. And it will get busier when the kids start school. I'd prepare yourself for not seeing much of the grandkids at all.

You also didn't answer my question about the day of child care you vaguely offered. Was that an actual offer they were relying on you've now rescinded?

Adversity · 21/08/2022 22:58

I’m back in my home town, it is lovely it’s tempting to retire back here especially as my two best mates have moved back to retire and my sister and her children all still live here . I just bumped in to a lad I went to school with not a close friend but someone in my year, we are meeting up for lunch before I go back, I could have an entire community immediately. There is no way I’m only seeing my adult DS a couple of times a year. The journey is 4 hours each way.

Longleggedgiraffe · 21/08/2022 22:59

My Dh and I moved countries and left our grown kids behind. It's what we wanted to do. Sure, I miss them and only see them about twice a year, but it's the price we pay for living where we want to live, not where others want us to.

YANBU for wanting to see them but it seems as if yours really do have their hands full, so you probably will have to accept they might not be able to come. YABU if you put the onus on them. It was your choice to move,, not theirs.

whumpthereitis · 21/08/2022 23:02

It’s the DIL from the multiple previous threads.

the in laws purposefully didn’t tell you at the same time as everyone else because they knew this would be the result (well, maybe not the mumsnet threads). They have significant caring responsibilities already, and they’re moving to a house they already own if I recall correctly. They also weren’t particularly pressuring you to visit, just letting them know they could.

OP - what do you want, exactly? The pile on of your Inlaws that straight posting didn’t get you? They’re perfectly entitled to move, and clearly they’re going to. Your expectations be damned 🤷🏻‍♀️

Zonder · 21/08/2022 23:16

We are making big sacrifices for this move. Moving away from our son, grandchildren, my brother, friends, etc.

You said it. You're sacrificing being close to all these people. That's your choice and your right but you can't expect people to do an 8 hour round trip very often. Especially when they have small children and one seems to have SEN. It sounds like your son and DIL are pretty snowed under and can't think about committing to this journey regularly at the moment.

timtam23 · 21/08/2022 23:16

I'm currently visiting my DPs who moved 6 hours' drive away a few years ago and deliberately bought a house with enough bedrooms for us all to stay. My children are now pre-teens but it is still very hard to fit any visits in because of school, homework, work and sports commitments etc. Even in the school holidays we can only manage a few days down here and it is a very long tiring trip, I was exhausted yesterday and the traffic wasn't even too bad. My parents are getting more elderly now and my dad in particular likes his routines and finds even older children a bit too lively, it is quite stressful trying to balance everyone's needs and wants. Yet they say they want us to visit as they want to see their grandchildren, it feels very hard to please everyone. A weekend visit is out of the question I think as we could barely get settled before turning round and driving home. I don't think it was quite what my mum imagined when moving here, I think she thought we'd all be staying for holidays (touristy area). But being a good guest is not always very relaxing and not what I would choose for our summer family holiday. They have said they could not now cope with the journey to see us (they used to drive up but it's too much for them now) so I think they will have to settle for us visiting twice a year at most. It's sad but as they moved further away I think they will have to accept that they hardly see the children.

Zonder · 21/08/2022 23:18

You don't mention anywhere about you making the trip to see them.

To be fair she does. 3rd paragraph of the opening post.

lastminutedotcom22 · 21/08/2022 23:27

gogogadgetgo · 21/08/2022 22:57

Fuck me. If it's not a reverse you're just one of the most obtuse 50 somethings I've met.

As everyone has said. You can move wherever the hell you like. But if you move far away you have to accept that distance will make it harder to see people.

You're moving 3/4 hours away and are pissed your family are non committal about coming over.

Your DIL has Pnd, a 10 month old that doesn't travel well and a 3 year old being assessed for additional needs.

But they're not prepared to do a 8 hour round trip to see you?

You don't mention anywhere about you making the trip to see them.

You can't see how unreasonable you're being?

Life is busy for them. And it will get busier when the kids start school. I'd prepare yourself for not seeing much of the grandkids at all.

You also didn't answer my question about the day of child care you vaguely offered. Was that an actual offer they were relying on you've now rescinded?

Excellent post

You also don't say that your in your 60's whether once FIL goes as you age yourselves whether you'll feel cut off and isolated and wish you'd stayed nearer for support yourself?

Your choosing to move
Not your young family

I'd be saying If you want to see your grandkids you come to us which is fine if your young and fit enough to drive/travel but when you aren't, this will be difficult

Booklover3 · 22/08/2022 01:48

I think you’ll have to drive back personally. You moved.

Funkyblues101 · 22/08/2022 02:56

My parents in law were around 3 hours drive from us. We would go around twice a year for a weekend, other times we'd meet midway at a national trust, twice a year maybe. They would take the children on holiday for a week every summer, but apart from that we didn't see them. We were all very busy and time flies. If you want to regularly see busy people you have to live nearby.