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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Moving away. AIBU that family should come and see us?

236 replies

ChoccyWoccyHoHa · 21/08/2022 16:46

Myself, dh and my elderly dad are moving away very soon. Myself and dh are nearly 60 and retired. My dad is in his 80s and will be living in assisted living accommodation not far from our new house. Our dream is to pursue our own hobbies and interests in a location we love.

We will be moving away from our son, his wife and their children. Our grandchildren are 3 and 10 months. Although we're excited to start the next chapter of our lives in a quieter, more rural place, I'm worried we're going to miss out on family. Everytime we talk about ds and family coming up to stay with us they're very non commital. I've offered for gc to stay without ds and dil but they're not keen. It will be a 3/4 hour journey for them, taking into account their youngest doesn't travel well and will need to stop on route.

We've been living about 20/25 mins away from them and see each other fairly regularly. We have been looking after their eldest one afternoon a week while they work but obviously that will be changing. We plan to come and stay near them so we can see them so it isn't all on them. But I know they struggle. Ds has got various health issues, dil had pnd badly and their ds is being assessed for special needs. They moved house themselves quite recently. Both ds and dil also work. So maybe the timing isn't great for them, I know their day to day life can be hard but we need to think about our own lives and happiness.

But AIBU to think that they should make an effort to see us when we move? Are we doing the right thing with this move when effectively we could be cutting ourselves off from them unintentionally?

OP posts:
Festoonlights · 21/08/2022 17:12

Nope you will need to do 90% of the visiting. They have to many barriers, well known to you. My dc always stayed with us and didn’t want to stay with any GP. Most young dc only want to be with their parents, esp if gp are not around very much

TidyDancer · 21/08/2022 17:14

These reverses have got to stop. They are bloody annoying and you end up with people not bothering to read the update where the OP admits to it and therefore the answers are all over the shop. OP is unreasonable on that alone.

lifesnotaspectatorsport · 21/08/2022 17:14

I'd be pretty non-committal about a 3-4 hour drive with a 3yo and a baby. In fact, it sounds like hell. I wouldn't fancy it with my 5 and 2y olds either. Travelling with little ones is so hard. Mountains of supplies, never enough toys, routine gone, kids either hyper or anxious due to change of environment... Maybe you've forgotten what it's like?

I wouldn't expect more than 1-2 visits per year MAX. You're retired, still fairly young, I think you should expect to do most of the visiting until kids are much older.

PlainJaneSuperBrain99 · 21/08/2022 17:14

If this isn't a reverse, yabvu. No one owes you a visit. If you're that desperate to see your son and grandkids often, try not moving so far away from them. Just a thought.

gogogadgetgo · 21/08/2022 17:15

Hope to god this isn't a reverse.

But no. You're being massive unreasonable. You move hours away and expect a family with young children and both parents working to drop everything to see you. What planet are you on

Interesting you said you'd been hoping to have the eldest one day a week. Was that actually offered? Were they relying on you providing childcare and then discovered you were fucking off?

You do what's best for you. But don't act surprised when everyone else doesn't drop everything to accommodate you.

But if it's a reverse it's a default Yabu.

Andromachehadabadday · 21/08/2022 17:17

This has to a reverse which never makes sense because it will still be biased by the person writing.

It doesn’t give the other persons point of view at all.

Winterfellismyhome · 21/08/2022 17:18

.

Moving away. AIBU that family should come and see us?
Ginger1982 · 21/08/2022 17:18

Why would you choose to move 3/4 hours away? I couldn't do this.

Cherryana · 21/08/2022 17:19

I can only tell you my experience of having young children and both myself and DH working full time. I could barely hang on and do what had to be done. I remember my mil inviting us to Sunday dinner and I cried as I felt like ‘just one more thing’ was going to make me spill over and hanging out at her house for a Sunday afternoon was just a step too far.

It didn’t rectify itself until I stopped work full time and my children got older.

So, I can understand completely why they are non comital to an 8 hour round journey. You will need to find a way to meet in the middle. (2 hours journey for both of you).

badgerybadgerboo · 21/08/2022 17:21

They'll have their own lives. And it was your decision to move away.

I'm currently in this exact situation with my in laws who demand to see us every weekend and if we don't make the journey to see them - they whinge. They never come to us.

If the relationship dwindles. It's on you I'm afraid. The young children will soon be attending clubs and parties at the weekends. And this ought to be the priority - not you.

YABVU, needy and very entitled.

Squashedraddish · 21/08/2022 17:22

I also think this has got to be a reverse. If so yabu. Because reverses are crap

if not also yabu. If you choose to move away then you need to be the one making the effort to visit as you don’t have young special needs child who doesn’t travel well, a baby, a parent with health problems and the other with pnd….yeah def a reverse.

LuftBalloons · 21/08/2022 17:23

But AIBU to think that they should make an effort to see us when we move? Are we doing the right thing with this move when effectively we could be cutting ourselves off from them unintentionally?

YABU. You're moving away. as you yourself put it. And you're retired, but you expect a young working family to do the trip?

And how do you say you're cutting yourself off "unintentionally"? It's a deliberate move, I assume. That's intentional.

badgerybadgerboo · 21/08/2022 17:26

Just seen your ages too. You aren't even that old

So YABVU, needy, entitled AND LAZY.

Glad you aren't my in laws.

Billybagpuss · 21/08/2022 17:27

I keep looking at property and fantasising about moving to my favourite very remote holiday destination. I’d never do it, I love my family and wouldn’t put them in that position and when dgc’s come along I don’t want to be the distant granny they see at Christmas.

IHopeYouStepOnALegPiece · 21/08/2022 17:27

This is clearly a pointless reverse. So stupid

Crikeyalmighty · 21/08/2022 17:27

No,the onus is on you to visit (presuming this isn't a reverse) --you are the ones with lots of time on your hands, more money presumably, no small children and not tied to a schedule.

Link journeys with small children regularly isn't fun and at that age they want their 'stuff' around them

Goldbar · 21/08/2022 17:29

That sounds like a fairly hellish trip for them. I hope you're hands-on grandparents? Because the only way I would make that trip often with children that young and with those difficulties would be if there was a lot of family help during the visit so I actually managed to have a rest for a bit.

thewalrus · 21/08/2022 17:29

YANBU to move to somewhere you want to live. YABU to be doing so with expectations of them travelling to see you.

I have some experience of this. My parents moved to rural France when my brother and I were both expecting our first children. They love where they live, and are happy to be there, but of course it has impacted on how much we see each other (we weren't close, but have gone from a 3-4 hr drive to an 18hr journey). We visit about once a year - they'd love us to go over more often but it would take up so much of our holiday time and budget that we're not prepared to to it. They visit us a couple of times a year, and we all go on holiday together every few years. I think they do feel some resentment or disappointment that we don't go more often, and that they do more of the travel, but as far as I am concerned they just have to deal with that as a result of the choice they made and the fact that they are retired and we are working and raising a family (I don't mean that to be as passive aggressive as it sounds). If they started complaining about it to DH and I we'd be pretty unimpressed!

I also have some experience from the other side. We moved away from London where most of our friends and my siblings were some years ago. We live in a beautiful bit of the UK a 6-hr drive away, and we're lucky that some friends do travel to see us. But we do the lion's share of travel to keep in touch, because we moved and we want to be in touch with people. We've done a 13hr round trip to a friend's 40th birthday for example, and will drive a long way for a weekend. Because we want to, and we value those relationships.

I think you are perfectly entitled to move, and there is nothing wrong with putting your own hopes and dreams first, but you have to accept that that will have repercussions or implications for your family that they may not welcome, and it will have an effect on how involved you are in each other's lives.

fluffi · 21/08/2022 17:29

YABVU. You are retired and have lots of time on your hands, but you want a young, working family to give up all/most of their precious free time at a weekend to visit you when you've decided to move miles away for your happiness? If you want to see them in the future then you are going to have to do most of the travelling.

Pleasecouldihavesomeadvice · 21/08/2022 17:32

My thoughts are that it’s really sad for you to be leaving your daughter and grand children.

They likely haven’t been committed to visit you because they know it’s a long journey that in practice will be very tricky for them.

For them to visit you, it would need to be for a few days at a time. Taking time off work, driving for 4 hours, the cost of petrol. Being away from home with young children without their normal toys, disturbing their routine. It all sounds very unappealing to a mum with young children so I can see why they are not so thrilled you are moving away.

pressurelikeadrip · 21/08/2022 17:33

My parents live 4hrs away from us. It was 3hr 10 but they decided to move to the coast which added on more time and slow fiddly wiggly roads rather than fast roads.

First there’s time factor. We both work. We refuse to set off on that sort of journey on a Friday night. So that leaves Saturday. Our DC have Saturday clubs. So either we skip those or leave when finished at 10am. We get there for mid afternoon then have to leave on Sunday afternoon. And the journey time can get infinitely longer if we need 2x wee stops (no of course they won’t go at the same time) and snacks/meals.

Your family are in a marginally better position than us in that the kids aren’t school age yet but mine are which means we can’t take annual leave on Friday or Mondays term time to help the travelling. Even if we did decide to take them out of school, we have to keep all our holiday to cover school hols. As Grandparents you can of course could take leave whenever you want, or maybe you are retired so can travel
outside of rush hour much easier

Then there’s all the stuff to bring for young children. Toys, travel cot, high chair, nappies, bottles/weaning gear. It’s the same packing for an overnight as it is for a week away sometimes.

Mine are 8 and 5 so travel is getting easier but I totally understand why your family are non committal.

VimFuego101 · 21/08/2022 17:34

If I was in your DS/ DIL's situation and having to juggle work with all the other things you mentioned, having to fit in this trip on a regular basis would probably finish me off. Loading small kids into a car with all the stuff they need, driving for hours and losing my weekend when I would normally catch up with laundry, cleaning and prepping for the following week... I just wouldn't be able to commit to doing it regularly.

thewalrus · 21/08/2022 17:36

Another thought - you said they're being non-committal. From my own experience of this, I/we were very keen indeed not to give my parents unrealistic expectations of how much we would visit if they moved. We felt we owed it to them, and us, to make sure they were aware of what we would be able to do (for us this was an annual trip, which we have always managed apart from during Covid). It sounds as though your DS and DIL have an awful lot going on in their lives at the moment and may not feel able to commit to anything - I doubt this means that they are never ever going to visit you, but that they don't want you to head off thinking 'it's fine, they'll come down every month or so anyway'.

ChicCroissant · 21/08/2022 17:38

One paragraph on the OP/people moving, and then three paragraphs about the people not moving? Yep, sounds like a reverse to me too.

Houseplantmad · 21/08/2022 17:40

YABU. Friends of ours moved a long way from their grandchildren and, guess what, they never got to see them much. It was a long way to travel, the kids have sports and activities at the weekends and both mum and dad work, so downtime is precious. After three years our friends have sold up and are moving back closer to their family.