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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Moving away. AIBU that family should come and see us?

236 replies

ChoccyWoccyHoHa · 21/08/2022 16:46

Myself, dh and my elderly dad are moving away very soon. Myself and dh are nearly 60 and retired. My dad is in his 80s and will be living in assisted living accommodation not far from our new house. Our dream is to pursue our own hobbies and interests in a location we love.

We will be moving away from our son, his wife and their children. Our grandchildren are 3 and 10 months. Although we're excited to start the next chapter of our lives in a quieter, more rural place, I'm worried we're going to miss out on family. Everytime we talk about ds and family coming up to stay with us they're very non commital. I've offered for gc to stay without ds and dil but they're not keen. It will be a 3/4 hour journey for them, taking into account their youngest doesn't travel well and will need to stop on route.

We've been living about 20/25 mins away from them and see each other fairly regularly. We have been looking after their eldest one afternoon a week while they work but obviously that will be changing. We plan to come and stay near them so we can see them so it isn't all on them. But I know they struggle. Ds has got various health issues, dil had pnd badly and their ds is being assessed for special needs. They moved house themselves quite recently. Both ds and dil also work. So maybe the timing isn't great for them, I know their day to day life can be hard but we need to think about our own lives and happiness.

But AIBU to think that they should make an effort to see us when we move? Are we doing the right thing with this move when effectively we could be cutting ourselves off from them unintentionally?

OP posts:
ShoesShoesGloriousShoes · 21/08/2022 20:32

My dad is in his 80s and will be living in assisted living accommodation not far from our new house. Our dream is to pursue our own hobbies and interests in a location we love.

We will be moving away from our son, his wife and their children. Our grandchildren are 3 and 10 months. Although we're excited to start the next chapter of our lives in a quieter, more rural place,

You lost me at rural. Why on earth would you choose to retire to somewhere rural and move your 80+ year old dad? What happens when his health starts to fail? How will your DS realistically manage to travel to see him and you when it comes to it? Will you be expecting him to leave his family to it at the weekends to help you out? You cannot expect them to visit you more than once or twice a year. Of course they're being non-committal, they don't want to consign their DC's childhoods to the back seat of a car because you deem your free time more important than theirs.

onlythreenow · 21/08/2022 20:38

It's not selfish of you to move, as you rightly said it is your lives and it's time for you to live them how you want to. However, I agree that YABU to expect a couple with two young children to travel such a distance to visit you, and think that if you want to see them you need to be the ones who travel.

mummabubs · 21/08/2022 20:39

We've always lived 3 hours away from our home town (and therefore both my parents and my in-laws). My parents have recently moved in a different direction, but still 2.5 hours away from where we live. We travel to see both sets every 4-6 weeks, they visit us here maybe once or twice a year. We've continued this pattern even after our children came (now 4 and 1yo).

However, even I think YABU. And you're being unreasonable because you expect it. You have made a choice to move (which obviously you are more than entitled to do and I hope you're very happy in your new location). However you cannot reasonably expect everyone else to then make sacrifices of their own and bear the cost of travel to see you regularly - especially if you know they're having a tough time and have a child who doesn't travel well. Would there be space for them to stay with you if they came to you (sorry if I missed that) or would you also be expecting them to fork out for accommodation every time too? Honestly your best bet here is take the pressure off them, see how it goes and if they want to visit you then great. If not you're also very capable of going to see them.

wherearebeefandonioncrisps · 21/08/2022 20:44

If you and hour husband are content with this move then go for it .
Don't expect regular visits from your children but heed well that in a few short years, you won't be able to visit them, either.

Your elderly father has a limited amount of time left ( sorry to be blunt) and one of you will be left alone (again, sorry to be blunt .)

Think on that.

As an aside, this story is vaguely familiar.

Pipsquiggle · 21/08/2022 20:47

I live 4 hours from my parents, I have lived in the South East since uni. I have a 10 and 7 year old. My parents travel to us about 85% of the time.

It's a real ball ache to go up there (slightly easier now they're older), both me and DH work full time, school term times, clubs and sports. Realistically it's Christmas and summer.

I get you want to move for lifestyle etc but this will completely change the dynamics of your family but you know that. In terms of travelling, realistically it will be you that's visiting more often than your family coming to you due to the life stages you're at

Luredbyapomegranate · 21/08/2022 20:54

It sounds like a reverse because you are moving away and yet moaning that your son won’t visit, even though you haven’t gone yet. It’s such a moany cliche it doesn’t sound quite real.

However since it is:

Yes you are unreasonable to expect regular visits given the stresses of your son’s family’s life and the fact they - you know - have their own lives. Twice a year tops at that distance.

So yes, if that connection matters to you, don’t move so far.

No you aren’t selfish for moving. It’s your life, do what you want. But don’t moan when you don’t get many visitors.

You cannot have it every which way. Choose and take responsibility for your choice.

Luredbyapomegranate · 21/08/2022 20:56

wherearebeefandonioncrisps · 21/08/2022 20:44

If you and hour husband are content with this move then go for it .
Don't expect regular visits from your children but heed well that in a few short years, you won't be able to visit them, either.

Your elderly father has a limited amount of time left ( sorry to be blunt) and one of you will be left alone (again, sorry to be blunt .)

Think on that.

As an aside, this story is vaguely familiar.

Very good points

Also extra points for using the expression Heed Well @wherearebeefandonioncrisps

Wafflessyrup · 21/08/2022 20:58

You’re not being unreasonable. We have family who moved and we take turns to travel because that’s what family do lol. Albeit it’s harder to organise with work and kids but you find a way.
my mum even flied solo for the first time to Australia to see me once ( I personally think she just wanted a holiday in a new country 🤔😉-

in my opinion young children aren’t an excuse we’re going on our second uk holiday this year that’s a 4 hour drive each way and we stop for lunch and give our toddler a time watching cartoons or dancing to the radio, he sleeps in the car etc (I’m not suggesting a newborn travel this far in a car of course)

my parents drove us on holidays to Europe across America, so maybe I’m inclined to say kids aren’t an excuse

but the notion that YOU moved so they should never visit you is shitty, it’s give and take like anything in life, why wouldn’t family wanna come visit you, see where you live what your new house is like etcetera, It’s not like you’re asking them to travel to see you every time that’d be different.

makes you wonder doesn’t it, when you move away you tend to lose friends and family because most of the time it’s about convenience and not love, unless of course you had an ultimate genuine reason

LuftBalloons · 21/08/2022 21:03

Is it selfish to want somewhere peaceful to live, away from the rat run we've been in for years.

No it’s not selfish to move for your own reasons. What is selfish - or rather unrealistic - is that you expect your children to visit you.

Why not budget time and resources so that you visit them?

AnnieDav · 21/08/2022 21:08

My ILs moved 3 hours away from us when our children were babies (they used to live about 20 minutes away).

They endlessly pressure us to visit them more but we both work, have two now school age children and not huge amounts of free time whilst they are both retired and have an awful lot of free time.

I 100% support their lifestyle change but their choice to move 3 hours away didn’t coincide with us making a choice to want to drive across the country regularly in our very limited free time.

fiorentina · 21/08/2022 21:11

My MIL moved 6 hours away from us and it means it’s hard for us to visit - we both work full time, it’s a shame we don’t see her more but if she won’t come to us we don’t have lots of time to visit her now. Her choice to move though.

Oysterbabe · 21/08/2022 21:23

My family live 3.5 hours away. We see them twice a year and my children have no relationship with them. Surely there must have been a closer option?

badbaduncle · 21/08/2022 21:24

You get one life, do what you want with it, but you have to understand that your son also has his own life, and his own family. DM moved to Florida and as a result sees the 2 DC that like hols in Florida for 3-4 weeks a year and me hardly at all. She complains like hell but tbh I just smile and say "we can't make it this year". It's my life, and I am spending it elsewhere! That is her dream and I wish her every happiness

CaptainBeakyandhisband · 21/08/2022 21:27

YAB completely U. You are choosing to move a fair distance away and expect people to juggle work and kids and visit you. You should definitely visit them. My parents live a similar distance from us (where I grew up) and we go down about once a year. My in laws also have this obsession that we should visit them - they’re retired, we both work full time, kids are tired from school and we have more space. It baffles me to be honest.

Blondeshavemorefun · 21/08/2022 21:30

You say you made sacrifices to move

but are you willing to sacrifice your family

whumpthereitis · 21/08/2022 21:30

Also calling reverse, and suspect it’s the poster that’s made at least two previous threads about her in laws moving away.

SarahProblem · 21/08/2022 21:40

If this isn't a reverse:

Do what makes you happy but understand from their point of view is you're opting to see less of them regardless of the reason. Also you need to accept that you're going to have to travel more and see them much less.

MaggieFS · 21/08/2022 21:45

YABU to expect that they come and see you but YANBU for making the move.

Just wait and see how it goes, plus be prepared that YOU might have to be the one ones who go and do the visiting.

Jalepenojello · 21/08/2022 21:49

They’re unlikely to visit more than twice a year. Life with a young family just gets so busy, especially when working full time. You’ve moved away when they’ve never had more on their plate. And that’s okay but no, you can’t expect them to visit often.

warriorathena · 21/08/2022 21:51

My ILs moved 4 1/2 hours away from us to be by the seaside and be near their other son and his family. It's caused no end of resentment our end as we feel second best to BIL's family. They don't understand why we don't visit more often when DH works full time. BIL + family never visit us when they head back home either. Awful, selfish family- I'm now glad they've moved so far away. Of course it's their life, they can do as they want but the consequence is not seeing our DC as often and the relationship reducing as a result.

Newgirls · 21/08/2022 21:52

Find an air B and B you like near your son and go and visit every month or two. I’m sure you gave mates to visit in your old area too?

they won’t be able to visit outside of school holidays really so you will need to make plans to visit them

wherearebeefandonioncrisps · 21/08/2022 22:01

Oh... now I remember... your THAT poster.

Ok, well let them go. It's their decision. You can't stop them.

Pipsquiggle · 21/08/2022 22:06

warriorathena · 21/08/2022 21:51

My ILs moved 4 1/2 hours away from us to be by the seaside and be near their other son and his family. It's caused no end of resentment our end as we feel second best to BIL's family. They don't understand why we don't visit more often when DH works full time. BIL + family never visit us when they head back home either. Awful, selfish family- I'm now glad they've moved so far away. Of course it's their life, they can do as they want but the consequence is not seeing our DC as often and the relationship reducing as a result.

@warriorathena

I can kind of understand this though. Crap for you but at least the ILs are helping your BIL's family out by the seaside - I am guessing it's a nice place to retire. There would be no point moving half way between you.

This happened to my friend's in laws. One family lived in Cornwall, one family lived near London. They were going to live 'in the middle' but realised they wouldn't see either family that often so they picked a location. They obviously see one of the families much more than the other.

BlueWhat · 21/08/2022 22:12

I'm a similar age to you, although not retired. And have to admit am shocked at your lack of understanding.

You expect them to take annual leave and drive 3/4 hours to come visit you with their kids?

Unbelievable! You're retired and much more flexible, you're the ones that decided to move away!

You will have to be the one to go visit them, if they even have the space? Do they even want you to stay with them for a couple of days?

I absolutely get wanting to move away, I'll be moving abroad once I retire, but I'll be the one coming over to visit my kids. I'll be the one fitting in with them.

expat101 · 21/08/2022 22:31

My Parents did the same when our children were young (and had pets). They had huge expectations we would be able to drive the 5 hours to get to their new location and return home 48 hours later for the new week...

There was no consideration that as the DC grew, they had sporting/hobby commitments and us being self employed usually meant work spilt over into the weekends.

I was happy they had moved to a nice area and along the lines of what had been talked about pre-retirement, albeit in the opposite direction, thats all well and good, but the trade off was they moved away from family by choice.

it depends on what you want out of life priority wise. Surely if you are keen to keep regular contact with your family, you can find something equally suitable in a better location, nearby?