Moving away. AIBU that family should come and see us?

[ChoccyWoccyHoHa]

Myself, dh and my elderly dad are moving away very soon. Myself and dh are nearly 60 and retired. My dad is in his 80s and will be living in assisted living accommodation not far from our new house. Our dream is to pursue our own hobbies and interests in a location we love.

We will be moving away from our son, his wife and their children. Our grandchildren are 3 and 10 months. Although we're excited to start the next chapter of our lives in a quieter, more rural place, I'm worried we're going to miss out on family. Everytime we talk about ds and family coming up to stay with us they're very non commital. I've offered for gc to stay without ds and dil but they're not keen. It will be a 3/4 hour journey for them, taking into account their youngest doesn't travel well and will need to stop on route.

We've been living about 20/25 mins away from them and see each other fairly regularly. We have been looking after their eldest one afternoon a week while they work but obviously that will be changing. We plan to come and stay near them so we can see them so it isn't all on them. But I know they struggle. Ds has got various health issues, dil had pnd badly and their ds is being assessed for special needs. They moved house themselves quite recently. Both ds and dil also work. So maybe the timing isn't great for them, I know their day to day life can be hard but we need to think about our own lives and happiness.

But AIBU to think that they should make an effort to see us when we move? Are we doing the right thing with this move when effectively we could be cutting ourselves off from them unintentionally?

If the move is what you and your husband want then go for it. You need to accept that family may not be able to visit but if you're ok to accept that and make the effort to keep in touch from your end it would be mad not to take the opportunity when it presents itself

.

I moved overseas, but I pay for my son and his girlfriend to visit several times a year, they have free accommodation and don't really need to pay for anything - even get a car thrown in for travel. Other family members have ended up moving here as well so that makes life a lot easier! I do not see why your children will not want to visit - particularly if you are offering to have the children on their own for a few weeks.

You've made the decision to move, you need to make the effort to visit. As they both work, they'll will have to use leave to be able to visit and maybe they prefer to spend that time with their little family.

Yes, they should make an effort to visit occasionally. Given the distance and their situation, perhaps annually or every other year. You could visit at the 6 month or annual mark to reciprocate.

YABU. My parents do this. They retired and it’s like they forgot that having small dc and working full time is hard! I don’t expect them to do all the work in our relationship but I get really irritated when they are annoyed we don’t drop everything to work around their retired person schedule. DH’s parents also get confused we dont visit more (long haul abroad) when they are both long retired & have a lot of money.

If my parents moved 4 hours away I’d be really sad, but would expect that they’d do the bulk of the visiting or we wouldn’t get to see them much.

I don't understand why people think this is a reverse. I don't even know what you mean by that.

Is it selfish to want somewhere peaceful to live, away from the rat run we've been in for years. My husband had a major heart operation a few years ago and it made us re-evaluate our lives. We didn't have our parents around when we were working and our children were little and we all survived. It was never going to be easy but hopefully we'll make it work.

Blimey not a reverse, the OP really is as unreasonable as an opossum (jolly unreasonable animals!). They might come once or twice a year in the holidays, but really the burden of visiting is on you. You are moving a long way away, that's a massive trip with young kids, they're not going to be doing it regularly.

You aren't being selfish.

But you are being unreasonable to expect people to visit you frequently, to have the same relationship with your family and particularly your grandchildren.

And whilst 60 is not old, how do you expect family to support you when you are older, or ill?

Got to assume you weighed up and discussed all the the advantages and disadvantages with your families before deciding moving was the most attractive.

Are you having some regrets? Those are up to you to fix not your family.

(And if you are the DIL, I would be kind and listen to their regrets and tell them to give it time in their new home, but I wouldnt feel guilted or any sense of duty to visit any more regularly than fitted in with my own priorities and commitments).

No it's not selfish to want to move and make your choices, but you have to accept that one of the consequences of that choice is that you've made it hard for family to see you. It's unreasonable to expect they will be regularly doing a long trip with young children when they both work full time.

When I was young both sets of grandparents lived a similar distance away from me (because my parents had moved away, not because they did). I saw them maybe once or twice a year. I never thought much of it. It’s just how things were. Now we live 30 and 60 mins from my parents and in laws respectively. We see them often (although it’s getting trickier as kids get older and have school, weekend activities etc). The bond my kids have with them is lovely. They are so close to both sets of grandparents and it makes me a little sad that I never had that. I would be so upset if either set of grandparents decided to move away and my kids lost that.

You won’t maintain a close relationship with your grandkids if you are an 8 hour round trip away. So only move if that’s something you are willing to sacrifice.

Nice rural peaceful places aren't located 3-4 hours from everywhere or even each other. There are many many places like this up and down the UK. You have chosen to move away, it's no one else's responsibility to come and see you.
It's not a trip I would make very often. It appears an almost deliberate snub towards the family you do live near to move away just as they have children.

Is this for real? Of course YABVU

YABU. Not for prioritising yourselves, but by simultaneously expecting your son and dil to not prioritise themselves. Working and having a family is already intense and leaves little free time as it is. To be upset that they won’t commit to forfeiting the little time they find to take a stressful trip isn’t fair. Maybe they will when they can manage it, maybe they won’t be able to, but I think that’s okay. As the ones who are retired now and the ones who have moved away it’s fair for you to be the ones to visit unless they say they’re happy to take a trip.

A close friend’s parents moved a 4 hour drive away into a one bed flat up north from 5 bed detached house. Not purely for financial reasons.
Friend has not seen them in 4 years and I don’t think they have met their grand daughter. They won’t leave the new home to meet half way or anything.
both friend and her siblings think their parents don’t have any interest in seeing them at all and the relationship has completely broken down.

you only get one life to live...go for it.

But you should not expect your son and family to travel to you.

You’re perfectly entitled to move wherever you want. But you are unreasonable to expect your son and family to make 7-8 hr round trips with small children in tow on top of working full time.

YABU to expect them to "make more of an effort" to see you when you have decided to move away, knowing they have young children, which does make travelling more awkward; more so once they start school. However, there's nothing wrong with wanting retirement your way and moving to a place where you will be happy. I also don't feel travel of less than an hour is that far, although it becomes more difficult if they have to get to you by public transport. I would think it reasonable for them to see you once every couple of months.

If you will be happy long-term with the move, then you're doing the right thing. You have to expect that your relationship with your child and grandchildren may change, although that isn't necessarily a bad thing; just something different to get used to.

Sorry, I obviously read that wrong. I thought you meant you moved three quarters of an hour away. If you actually meant it's a 3-4 hour trip then I would maybe expect to see them once or twice a year. Not out of malice on anyone's part; just that's a very long trip with young kids and they have lives without you. As they both work, weekends may be their only real 'down' time or proper family time and as much as they may enjoy your company or wherever you move to, the travel itself is a chore.

The reality is it’s highly unlikely you will see much of your son and his family.

You are moving 4 hours away from your son and his family, when you know they face significant difficulties and challenges that you could offer support for, in order to prioritise your hobbies. You are perfectly entitled to do whatever you want but it's astounding that you would expect your son to go to such lengths to visit you when you've made it very clear to him that he is not a priority for you, and neither are your grandchildren. Maybe he is taking stock and is reassessing the relationship. We have a sort-of-similar situation with one of my DH's parents which has caused a lot of pain over the years. DH's way of coping with what he experienced as (another) rejection has been to mentally detach from the relationship so that he doesn't feel overinvested and vulnerable to being further hurt.

I can't imagine in a million years moving so far away from my children or grandchildren. It's such an alien concept to me. Especially knowing that they are struggling and I could be helping them. Would be interesting to know how much help you had when your family was young. Anecdotally I know lots of friends with young kids whose own parents are unwilling to help out or be particularly involved, despite having had tons of help and lots of involvement from grandparents when my friends were children.

You are perfectly entitled to move away for your own wellbeing, and you don't owe your children childcare. But your move comes with the drawback that you'll see your son and grandchildren once a year, at Christmas (maybe twice a year at a push), unless you're prepared to travel more. Realistically, that's how often working parents with young children can travel that sort of distance.

You aren’t selfish to want to move.

You are selfish to expect your DS and DIL to visit you more than once a year.

If my in law’s moved a 3-4 hour drive away there is no way I’d be visiting more than once or twice a year. That sort of a trip with small children is a massive pain in the butt and I wouldn’t want to waste my annual leave making the trip more than once or twice a year.

You are retired. Have you forgotten what it’s like to be working and having a young family?
the timetable is full!!! Every day, just keeping the show on the road.

you are retired, and the ones moving away. I think you have just not taken in how much they have in their plates.

there must be somewhere nearer that is still ‘rural’ if you want to move away from the city, but still keep in touch with your grandchild.