Moving away. AIBU that family should come and see us?

[ChoccyWoccyHoHa]

Myself, dh and my elderly dad are moving away very soon. Myself and dh are nearly 60 and retired. My dad is in his 80s and will be living in assisted living accommodation not far from our new house. Our dream is to pursue our own hobbies and interests in a location we love.

We will be moving away from our son, his wife and their children. Our grandchildren are 3 and 10 months. Although we're excited to start the next chapter of our lives in a quieter, more rural place, I'm worried we're going to miss out on family. Everytime we talk about ds and family coming up to stay with us they're very non commital. I've offered for gc to stay without ds and dil but they're not keen. It will be a 3/4 hour journey for them, taking into account their youngest doesn't travel well and will need to stop on route.

We've been living about 20/25 mins away from them and see each other fairly regularly. We have been looking after their eldest one afternoon a week while they work but obviously that will be changing. We plan to come and stay near them so we can see them so it isn't all on them. But I know they struggle. Ds has got various health issues, dil had pnd badly and their ds is being assessed for special needs. They moved house themselves quite recently. Both ds and dil also work. So maybe the timing isn't great for them, I know their day to day life can be hard but we need to think about our own lives and happiness.

But AIBU to think that they should make an effort to see us when we move? Are we doing the right thing with this move when effectively we could be cutting ourselves off from them unintentionally?

We have family 3 or 4 hours away. I would say we visit 2 or 3 times a year. It's doable in a weekend, even with young children, but I don't think you can expect it to be any more regular than that. In not all that long the children will have clubs or activities or birthdays to go to at the weekend and won't be happy to miss too many of them either. Nothing wrong with living further away but visits will be less regular.

They probably feel abandoned and I don't blame them.
You are choosing not to have really anything much to do with your grandchildren, you won't really know them and I doubt they will feel confident stay with you. You've shown how little they mean to you by choosing this. Why should they spend their limited annual leave on you? An 8 hour round trip isn't doable in a weekend with very small children so it'll be a rare trip.

No, you aren't selfish, but you have to expect that people won't want to travel.
It's a very long way with small children.

We have 3 sets of family 2 hours from us in completely different directions, we get to all of them once or twice a year, but it's not enjoyable. The journey, having to stay away from home with kids that don't settle, routine disruption, having to share a room with the kids, coming home being more tired than when you set off, only to have to go to work the next day. Even packing is a complete pain and takes a good few hours.

So sadly I see these trips as more of a burden than anything else.

It is not unreasonable to hope they will visit, but tbh from what you have written I think visits will be few and far between. I would plan to see them in the expectation that you will be doing the travelling. You are completely reasonable to make whatever plans you think are best for yourself, your DH and your dad but other people may not react in the way you would like. It sounds like you moving will mean that they have less help than before, some people understand that they are not entitled to help and are grateful for what they get but if you have been on here for any length of time you will have seen how many others think that grandparents should continue to prioritise their kids and grandchildren for the rest of their lives and never put themselves first.

Yabu.

Decision is, do you want your new location more or the family?

I wouldn't be bringing my young children all that way for a few hours visit its too much.
Have you got space to offer them a holiday stay? That might help.

Of course they won't leave the children to stay with you! You'll be waiting 3+ years for that, if not more.

Your relationship with the baby won't be like it is with the 3 year old
I'm surprised you want to move if you really want to see the kids as much as you say.

Bottom line is you won't see them much now but if that's the sacrifice you choose to make to move area don't complain THEY won't visit.

4 hours is very far to travel with young children, including one with SN. Especially as they are not the ones creating the distance.
I think it's ok to move away and live your life how you want to, but don't expect regular visits. I think you'll be lucky to see them once or twice a year at yours.

I don't know if this thread is a reverse or not but of course the OP should move if she wants to ... my DPs moved four hours away when they retired, I was just delighted for them that they had the opportunity to do something exciting in their retirement years. As it happens we then moved two hours in the opposite direction. We made it work for occasional visits, of course we didn't have the close 'popping in for a cup of tea' relationship but ever since I left home for Uni I've never lived that close to any of my family.

I am approaching retirement myself now and hope to move and to be honest proximity to my adult DC won't be top of my priority - I hope I have raised DC to be independent and not need mum and dad 'round the corner'.

Plenty of adult DC don't hesitate before moving abroad or long distances for their career etc so why should DPs be any different?

Too many women (& some men) end up as unappreciated child minders for their DGC and just taken for granted. FWIW my DC have an excellent relationship with their DGPs even though we never lived close when they were growing up.

OP you talk of making 'sacrifices' to do this move, but these are not sacrifices, these are absolutely free choices.
My mum and dad did similar. And expected similar. We spent 20 years trying to see them regularly (pils were also 3 hrs away) and I really REALLY wish we hadn't - and I would counsel your dd' not to. It used up masses of time, days and days of driving and made me feel resentful and exhausted. ( with hindsight I was trying desperately to make everything OK, to be a good daughter) 🙄.)
You moved. You make the effort.

Your family are not being U, to not want to commit to times/ dates to see you.

My dp retired 5 hours away, which means that I can't just 'visit for a weekend' as it's just not feasible with 2 children. We either leave and drive through the night on Friday after work and school, then everyone is tired on Saturday and we have to leave Sunday, after breakfast at latest. We can't visit during term time as the dc are at school and we only have x number of weeks leave from work. So I maybe see them once a year, maybe twice if we forgo a family holiday. As you can see it's not as easy as saying they will come visit.

I think you're being a bit short sighted, I know you'll miss your family, but ultimately it's your decision, and you have to accept that, that decision will impact others, which will impact their decisions. Luckily my dp appreciate that we can't see them frequently, and there have been years when we've not seen them at all, you will find other ways of interacting

This does scream reverse
but if not yes your within your rights to move
of course you are

but no it’s totally reasonable to expect them to visit you at all
I think once a year might be more realistic

it’s you that decides to move, so you that has to accept you may see them very little in the year as it’s not fair to expect them to do it

if personally resent the travel with my small children it would be torture and not to mention the upset of routines

YABU. You shouldn’t be expecting them to visit you. You’re the ones moving away and if you have to justify it to all and sundry maybe you shouldn’t be.

You may not know it yet, but the chances are you are making a grave mistake.

Moving away from your support network and family into old age is a risk on many, many levels. You are unlikely to bond as well with your grandchildren, and relations with your dc will become distant by default. You are expecting to be healthy but and in reality you may not be, one of you could die and the other one is left alone. You have no one just around the corner to help, no friends or family. You are effectively starting again, which is fine if it goes well but real life is rarely that simple.

How can any hobby regardless of how much you like it possibly replace your own family and friends??

I say this gently, if I was your dc I would assume you were moving away to avoid supporting the grand children with special needs as I find the hobby excuse hard to believe. I would also prepare not to see very much of you going forward as there is no way on earth I would be doing that drive in their position.

It sounds like you haven’t truly factored in what you stand to lose with your relocation. It’s not going to be regular lovely big family holidays and long weekends, granny sleepovers and happy days. I say that from experience.

You will age and struggle with the distance soon, and things won’t get any easier for your dc until their children are young adults, as once the children start school it becomes even harder to travel freely. I wish you luck, and hope it works out for you and is worth the upheaval and heartbreak.

I don't think it's unreasonable to move wherever you like.

I think it's unreasonable to expect son and dil to visit often. My grandparents, when growing up, were two hours away and only we visited twice a year. A four hour drive is miserable with small children. If you want to see them more than once a year, you should expect to visit them.

There's zero chance I would leave a 10 month old with anyone else for more than a few hours. I was still breastfeeding them to sleep!

As everyone else has said it would be unlikely/genuinely difficult for them to visit often. In a couple of years the kids could have weekend hobbies/clubs - then sports commitments like football, rugby, hockey whatever (and if you want to be part of a team you need to be available). Not to mention friends parties etc.

The older kids get they may have weekend jobs/want to hang out with friends.

So frequent travel is not ideal. I must admit I think it’s unusual to move away from family during retirement and a rural location could be difficult if you ever need to give up driving etc. However of course you are perfectly entitled to move wherever you want. Although if you are retired and have plenty of free time it is easier for you to travel for visiting rather than a busy young family who only have weekends free to cram in a million and one things (our weekends are always so busy doing essential house jobs - cleaning, DIY, gardening, shopping, sorting things for kids etc).

I have a sibling that moved countries. Spoke glowingly of the lovely holidays we'd have with them.

Misses the points that I already take quite a lot of leave to see them when they come back - which to be fair, is often - and I have plenty of places I'd like to visit and limited resources, so don't need another destination I didn't choose imposed on me.

But not to visit means we don't care about them. It's tough.

It will be a 3/4 hour journey for them, taking into account their youngest doesn't travel well and will need to stop on route. And they work full time and you are retired. You are the one that moved away.

And you expect them to visit - YABU, very entitled and cheeky.

Of course not but there's peaceful places everywhere..

OP, I'm also wondering why you would move your Dad away from his family? Surely he would like to be closer to see them more.. Has he had a choice in this? It seems very sad, in his last years, he won't get to see his family..

I think you'll come to regret it. You've decided your desire to live somewhere rural/peaceful is more important than family. You can maybe expect a duty visit once or twice a year and that might tail off when the children are older and have busier lives. I'm guessing you don't have a close relationship with your children and this will get worse over time.
You'll also have to consider that even if you are prepared to do all the travelling, you'll have to factor in their own family plans. It's not like you can pop in for half and hour anymore.

It's difficult, OP.

I can't help feeling that you want to have your cake and eat it.

First of all, your dad. One assisted living facility is much like another, in terms of where it is located. What really makes a difference is the quality of any care they need, and regularity of visits from friends and family. Your dad might have a couple of years left, or he might have 10 or 15 years left. Either way, the likelihood is that he will reach the end of his life at a time when his great grandchildren are still at school. When someone is dying, you need to visit them now or not at all. That means that your son, DIL and grandchildren will need to get in the car and make a four hour trip to see him, regardless of what is going on with them at school. And it means that for however long he's got, he just won't get regular visits from his grandson and great grandchildren, and he won't get to see them grow up. Even if they visit several times a year, that won't be a lot compared to living close by.

Then there's you and your husband. You're moving a long way from home which means you'll need to create a whole new social life for yourselves, as well as making sure that your dad is properly taken care of and not lonely in his own environment. Maybe you're up for that now and confident you can make it work. Maybe you can. Or maybe it'll be more difficult and lonely than you anticipate, or maybe one of you will receive a life changing medical diagnosis in a year's time. Either way, your son just won't be able to be present for you in the way that he is now.

This decision doesn't seem very future proof if you ask me. What happens if you or your husband ends up needing more support in the short to medium term than you anticipate? Are you expecting your son to drive to see you every two weeks? Every month? Or will the three of you uproot and move back to where you came from to be closer to family?

You have the right to live your own life and make whatever decisions you choose. But this is not a decision I personally would make at your stage of life.

I have to travel for about 6 hours to see my parents, and cross an international border. Never thought that part would be a problem, but then Covid happened and the borders were closed on and off for the best part of a year, when I was having my first baby. Thanks to Brexit, if one or both of my parents needed to go into a home, I could not bring them to live near me, because they now need a visa to live where I do, and they wouldn't get one. So I would have to either leave the bulk of the responsibility to my brother and just do what I could, or uproot my entire family and move back to the UK. And again, thanks to Brexit, my husband would now need a visa to live in the UK. My parents are a similar age to you, and my dad was diagnosed with Parkinson's disease not long before I moved. I felt terrible about leaving the UK, but it was that or break up with my long term partner, who was not realistically able to leave the UK. We travel to the UK to see my parents about three times a year, and they currently travel to see us a couple of times a year. When their health no longer allows them to do that, we will have to travel to see them more often. It is hugely time consuming and expensive. But I was the one who made the decision to move, and so it is just part of the price I will have to pay for my own decision.

If it were the other way around, and my parents had moved far away at their stage of life so that they could pursue hobbies, I would be really upset. Especially at the implication that the hobbies were more important than close and regular contact with their grandchildren.

Reasonable to visit you once or twice a year and stay a few days. Maybe alternate Christmas but more than that YABU. You could also visit them and stay in a hotel for a few days if they don't have much room.

Yes, it’s selfish, because its all about what’s best for you, not your family. You aren’t making sacrifices because you’re expecting everyone else to compensate. If you choose to go ahead with this move, you are the ones who need to commit to regular visits to the rest of your family, not the other way around.

To be quite blunt, you also need to think about what the visits are going to be like for them when they stay with you. My DC has grandparents a similar drive away and actually we do visit quite regularly (every 2-3 months and they come to see us sometimes as well). But my DC has no additional needs and I throw my DC at them the minute we get through the door and largely forget about DC for large chunks of the visit. And DC's grandparents don't mind - they are still physically very active and can easily keep up with DC and are happy to do most of the legwork and potter about with DC when we visit. Their house is relatively safe and has toys and baby stuff (we have a new baby on the way) so visiting isn't a huge hassle apart from the distance. If you are expecting your DS and DIL to do a long journey with their children, bring everything and then still be very much active parents and help with the housework, only away from home and in someone else's house, then it's going to be too tiring for them to want to come and see you frequently.

You remind me of my in laws who did the same thing. They’re retired, cashed up, and living the sea-change life.
We work full time, have two under 5, virtually no social life but are expected to travel 2 hours to see them.
Sorry OP but you decided to leave. The onus is on you to maintain connection. You have the time on your hands, so use it.Don’t expect people to accomodate for your life choices.

Of course you are perfectly entitled to follow your dreams before old age & death. We only have one life, so we’re told.
I personally find it sad that you should choose to move so far away from your family. What goes around comes around & of course when you & your DH are maybe struggling a bit with immobility etc in your older years, then your family, who may have been inclined to help a bit, won’t be able to! Similarly any help you could give to lessen the load for childcare won’t be available. As for Dad… well, removing him from his family & friends isn’t awfully caring but probably helps you to get rid of guilt feelings about leaving him behind.
We all have different perspectives about family responsibilities & ultimately this lies with your own beliefs.
Regarding the original question, I think it is completely unreasonable to expect your family to travel to you with young children. Therefore YABU.
At least you’ll be able to video call.

It’s not selfish to go.

it is selfish to expect your son and DIL, who are already struggling, to travel 3-4 hours regularly.
it’s selfish to expect your “not good traveller” grandson to do that regularly.

It’s massively unreasonable to expect to make a move like that and it not have a massive impact on your relationships.