Page 10 | Moving away. AIBU that family should come and see us?

ChoccyWoccyHoHa · 2022-08-21T15:46:17+00:00

Myself, dh and my elderly dad are moving away very soon. Myself and dh are nearly 60 and retired. My dad is in his 80s and will be living in assisted living accommodation not far from our new house. Our dream is to pursue our own hobbies and interests in a location we love. We will be moving away from our son, his wife and their children. Our grandchildren are 3 and 10 months. Although we're excited to start the next chapter of our lives in a quieter, more rural place, I'm worried we're going to miss out on family. Everytime we talk about ds and family coming up to stay with us they're very non commital. I've offered for gc to stay without ds and dil but they're not keen. It will be a 3/4 hour journey for them, taking into account their youngest doesn't travel well and will need to stop on route. We've been living about 20/25 mins away from them and see each other fairly regularly. We have been looking after their eldest one afternoon a week while they work but obviously that will be changing. We plan to come and stay near them so we can see them so it isn't all on them. But I know they struggle. Ds has got various health issues, dil had pnd badly and their ds is being assessed for special needs. They moved house themselves quite recently. Both ds and dil also work. So maybe the timing isn't great for them, I know their day to day life can be hard but we need to think about our own lives and happiness. But AIBU to think that they should make an effort to see us when we move? Are we doing the right thing with this move when effectively we could be cutting ourselves off from them unintentionally?

KarmaStar · 22/08/2022 11:49

Stop fretting about the future.
Nobody can foresee entirely what's to come,so carrying negative energy around is doing what exactly?attracting more negativity and bringing you down.
You've made your decision and you're looking forward to a new start.Leave it there.
Give your family time to get into a new routine and then discuss a visit but don't expect too much,too soon.
Enjoy your new start.🌻

HoppingKangaroo · 22/08/2022 11:51

Since the OP seems to have disappeared since the consensus is they are being unreasonable to expect full time working parents with 2 young children to travel 3 hours on a regular basis to see them (while the OP spends all her free time on her important hobbies) I doubt it is a reverse. OP probably still thinks they are in the right.

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 22/08/2022 11:54

It depends what you expect TBH
my parents moved away, 3 hours from one set of GCs and 5 hours from the other. We all visits 4 times a year including Christmas and they visit a couple of times a year also. That's ok for us but might not be ok for all families - that's what you are likely to get though!

wherearebeefandonioncrisps · 22/08/2022 12:12

I don't think OP ( who is the DIL) will be back.
This appears to be the third thread .

JenniferBarkley · 22/08/2022 13:45

wherearebeefandonioncrisps · 22/08/2022 12:12

I don't think OP ( who is the DIL) will be back.
This appears to be the third thread .

Telling people it's the third thread and that the OP is the DIL doesn't seem to matter. Have been banging my head off a wall since last night.

Zonder · 22/08/2022 15:18

wherearebeefandonioncrisps · 22/08/2022 12:12

I don't think OP ( who is the DIL) will be back.
This appears to be the third thread .

Third? So one was DIL, this is MIL, who was the other? Don't tell me it was the toddler?

theemmadilemma · 22/08/2022 15:34

I agree with what everyone else has said. Life is busy and goes fast. I'm sure faster with young children.

You have to get over the onus being on them to find the time to visit you.

SnowWhite13 · 29/08/2022 11:40

4 hours in a car ride would be easily doable for a weekend, particularly a long weekend. That's not that long, even with small children. I know because I have firsthand experience. Even with sick kids.

SnowWhite13 · 29/08/2022 11:57

Also, they have done A LOT to help them out by assisting with childcare every single week, even for just one day, through the present! So why, after everything they've done to help them, all the effort OP and DH have put in, including making compromises, is the onus completely on OP??? That's just completely unreasonable to expect that any travel for visiting will only take place if OP comes back to visit them! DIL and son are the ones being unreasonable here. I wish I had only lived 4 hours from my grandparents! For 3 years I was about a days drive away. So we got to see them more often between the time I was 3 and 6 years old! That included staying with them without my parents. They would keep me and my baby brother for a while. But when I was 6, I ended up having to move even further, putting us 3,000 miles away from all of our grandparents and great grandparents! It. Was. Devastating! I was heartsick from being separated from my great grandma. She couldn't travel to us at all due to her health, so I only got to see her when we made the drive back to our hometown. After moving 3,000 miles away, my paternal grandparents came to visit as often as they could. My parents were only able to take us home twice. Once for my great grandma's death. Had they only been 4 hours away, we would have been able to go see them all of the time! Especially over holidays and school breaks! I mourn that I did not get to have time to learn from them, just spent time with them. From the viewpoint of the child, the parents are being unreasonable here, not OP.

JustLyra · 29/08/2022 12:10

SnowWhite13 · 29/08/2022 11:40

4 hours in a car ride would be easily doable for a weekend, particularly a long weekend. That's not that long, even with small children. I know because I have firsthand experience. Even with sick kids.

Their child is being assessed for special needs and isn’t a good travel.

Given you have no idea what the child’s needs are, or the OP’s DS’s health issues are, how can you possibly have “first hand experience”.

you know what your situation was and how doable it was, that doesn’t make it remotely the same for anyone else.

Imthedamnfoolwhoshothim · 29/08/2022 12:11

SnowWhite13 · 29/08/2022 11:57

Also, they have done A LOT to help them out by assisting with childcare every single week, even for just one day, through the present! So why, after everything they've done to help them, all the effort OP and DH have put in, including making compromises, is the onus completely on OP??? That's just completely unreasonable to expect that any travel for visiting will only take place if OP comes back to visit them! DIL and son are the ones being unreasonable here. I wish I had only lived 4 hours from my grandparents! For 3 years I was about a days drive away. So we got to see them more often between the time I was 3 and 6 years old! That included staying with them without my parents. They would keep me and my baby brother for a while. But when I was 6, I ended up having to move even further, putting us 3,000 miles away from all of our grandparents and great grandparents! It. Was. Devastating! I was heartsick from being separated from my great grandma. She couldn't travel to us at all due to her health, so I only got to see her when we made the drive back to our hometown. After moving 3,000 miles away, my paternal grandparents came to visit as often as they could. My parents were only able to take us home twice. Once for my great grandma's death. Had they only been 4 hours away, we would have been able to go see them all of the time! Especially over holidays and school breaks! I mourn that I did not get to have time to learn from them, just spent time with them. From the viewpoint of the child, the parents are being unreasonable here, not OP.

Because they may not want to? If they aren't bothered about seeing her then why would they put themselves out that much? Life is stressful and down time is short. I wouldn't waste it doing something I didn't want to.