Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Moving away. AIBU that family should come and see us?

236 replies

ChoccyWoccyHoHa · 21/08/2022 16:46

Myself, dh and my elderly dad are moving away very soon. Myself and dh are nearly 60 and retired. My dad is in his 80s and will be living in assisted living accommodation not far from our new house. Our dream is to pursue our own hobbies and interests in a location we love.

We will be moving away from our son, his wife and their children. Our grandchildren are 3 and 10 months. Although we're excited to start the next chapter of our lives in a quieter, more rural place, I'm worried we're going to miss out on family. Everytime we talk about ds and family coming up to stay with us they're very non commital. I've offered for gc to stay without ds and dil but they're not keen. It will be a 3/4 hour journey for them, taking into account their youngest doesn't travel well and will need to stop on route.

We've been living about 20/25 mins away from them and see each other fairly regularly. We have been looking after their eldest one afternoon a week while they work but obviously that will be changing. We plan to come and stay near them so we can see them so it isn't all on them. But I know they struggle. Ds has got various health issues, dil had pnd badly and their ds is being assessed for special needs. They moved house themselves quite recently. Both ds and dil also work. So maybe the timing isn't great for them, I know their day to day life can be hard but we need to think about our own lives and happiness.

But AIBU to think that they should make an effort to see us when we move? Are we doing the right thing with this move when effectively we could be cutting ourselves off from them unintentionally?

OP posts:
Nightmanagerfan · 21/08/2022 16:48

you acknowledge their situation is difficult and that they are in the throes of young children.
you have decided to move. I think you need to accept that an 8 hour round trip journey to see you is a huge ask when someone has small children who don’t travel well.

GoneWithTheWine1 · 21/08/2022 16:49

You've just said they're going through a lot, you haven't even moved yet and your still moaning that you expect them visit you? YABU.

Your the ones moving away. Not them.

girlfriend44 · 21/08/2022 16:49

You haven't moved yet, your jumping the gun, wait and see what happens.

PatriciaHolm · 21/08/2022 16:49

I'm calling reverse on this one....

Haggisfish3 · 21/08/2022 16:49

It’s a big ask when dc are that young, yes. It will get easier as they get older.

ChloeKellyIsAnIcon · 21/08/2022 16:50

If you're the ones moving away, and you are so keen to keep in touch with them, I think the onus is on you to do most of the travelling to visit and don't expect too much from them. It sounds like they have a lot going on tbh.

Hbh17 · 21/08/2022 16:50

Nobody is under any obligation to visit anybody, so maybe just make the move that you wanted and then enjoy your new life.

Cinnabomb · 21/08/2022 16:50

Nope. Sorry, but YABU. Travelling with young kids is hell, and if they both work I’m guessing this would be limited to weekends. I think the majority of e driving should be on you. But you are of course entitled to move where you want, but no you can’t resent people for then not travelling to you.

Youaremysunshine14 · 21/08/2022 16:53

This is a reverse, right? You’re the DIL with PND and are annoyed your inlaws are moving and expect you to visit them. Why couldn’t you just write that in OP?

Blaggingit123 · 21/08/2022 16:53

In this situation I wouldn’t want to use up my limited annual leave visiting PIL who have chosen to relocate, and it’s too far for a weekend, so would probably visit max twice per year. If you’ve chosen to move away and have unlimited leisure time then yes I’d expect the majority of visiting to be done by you unless you’re living in a desirable holiday location!

NerrSnerr · 21/08/2022 17:01

Not sure if it's a reverse or not but

The parents are not being unreasonable to move for the life they want.

The son and daughter in law will probably struggle to visit often (we live 4 hours away from family and it's a struggle to fit it in, especially now kids have clubs, parties and of course our jobs).

No one's unreasonable as long as no one has unreasonable expectations of others.

bigbluebus · 21/08/2022 17:01

You have to accept that if you move you may not see them very often I'm afraid.

My IL's took the decision (many years ago now) to move from somewhere that was within a day trip distance for 2 of their DC (including us) to a destination near their 3rd DC which was a 4 hour drive (on a good day). They had figured that 3rd DC would be better placed to help care for them in their old age and it was in an area that they'd visited many times for holidays over the years.

They did, however, choose a property suitable for us all to stay (especially important as 2 of the visiting GC were disabled) and we were always welcome to go for a holiday ie not just spend all our time with them. As it worked out we could only reasonably visit for a week in the Summer and a few days over Christmas but they accepted this as the payoff for moving.

So if you choose to move then I think you have to accept you'll see your DS very infrequently unless you do the travelling. If that's not OK for you then you need to rethink your move.

BeyondMyWits · 21/08/2022 17:02

You choose to move, you get to travel, or have to put up with whatever time is available... holidays are limited, people don't want to have to spread them even thinner...

My dad did this when I was pregnant with my first... moved to rural France from England... then expected everyone to travel to him. We travelled to him once every other year and he did not have any meaningful relationship with our kids. But it was my fault I didn't spend £700 each way travelling with 2 young kids for many hours very often.

Imthedamnfoolwhoshothim · 21/08/2022 17:03

This has got to be another reverse.

No DIL you are not being unreasonable. They moved and are not your problem. Block them and let your DH deal with them.

WhatWouldHopperDo · 21/08/2022 17:04

We have family that live a similar distance and, when the DCs we’re small it was painful to visit for a weekend.

can’t leave until after work on Friday, arrive late, DCs right out of their routine, being good guests but also making sure DCs are catered for. Leaving Sunday lunchtime. Arriving home and needing to get straight in to getting organised for the week ahead.

That was without a DC with SN or any of our own health issues.

I don’t think you can be annoyed if they say it’s too much to visit while the DCs are small.

Treabrea · 21/08/2022 17:04

This has got to be a reverse. If so, no one likes a reverse. And no don't visit them, at least you won't feel obligated to help out when they are very old.

If this isn't a reverse, you're moving a fair distance, leaving a childcare arrangement and expecting them to see you regularly with two small children in tow? So you can do your hobbies? Get away with you, of course they're going to be annoyed.

JennyForeigner · 21/08/2022 17:05

You could be my dad. We tried once with very young children and it was miserable. House wasn't safe, our routine is to the minute as a matter of survival and we travel with half the contents of the house. It's painful and horrible just to cram us into the car.

You visit them for a couple of years till it's a holiday. Right now their needs pip yours to the post.

Beezknees · 21/08/2022 17:06

YABU. It would be nice of them to make the effort occasionally but they have young children and both work. As you are retired and you are the ones choosing to move I think if you want to still see them regularly then you need to be prepared to travel most of the time.

NancyJoan · 21/08/2022 17:07

You are retired while in your 50s.

Your family are both working, have 2 very small children, one with suspected SEN. They also have various health problems.

Who is in an easier position to make a journey? Really? You have chosen to move 100s of miles from them; if you want to see them, you need to do the travelling.

Unorthofox · 21/08/2022 17:07

How often are you expecting them to visit?

Petronus · 21/08/2022 17:08

PatriciaHolm · 21/08/2022 16:49

I'm calling reverse on this one....

I think Patricia has this.

You would need a spectacular lack of awareness not to understand perfectly well why they might struggle to visit.

MassiveSalad22 · 21/08/2022 17:08

Definitely reads like a reverse. I wouldn’t be going to see my parents 3/4 hours away regularly. In fact, mt parents live 2.5 hours away and we go to theirs maybe twice a year.

Scottishskifun · 21/08/2022 17:09

YANBU to want to enjoy your life in a place of your choosing.

YABU to expect your DS to be the ones always to travel especially when this will mean using annual leave.

Let the dust settle and then you will find the balance naturally but it's likely to be fewer visits mainly around holiday times but also be reasonable about you guys doing the drive as well!

LocalHobo · 21/08/2022 17:10

My DM moved many miles away when I was pregnant with DC2. I could see exactly why she made the decision, but obviously it affected the relationship she had with her GC.
Now, as she is long retired and has more time on her hands, she try's to guilt trip my (young adult) DC when she hears they have seen my MIL (their other Grandmother), but obviously, as my IL's stayed where they lived/where my DH grew up, we always saw more of them despite them still being about an hour away.

OhmygodDont · 21/08/2022 17:11

Yabu I wouldn’t be wasting a whole weekend regularly to visit people who moved away sorry.

by the time both parents work, two children one maybe with extra needs you’d be lucky to get maybe twice a year if it was be and that would be though gritted teeth.