Moving away. AIBU that family should come and see us?

[ChoccyWoccyHoHa]

Myself, dh and my elderly dad are moving away very soon. Myself and dh are nearly 60 and retired. My dad is in his 80s and will be living in assisted living accommodation not far from our new house. Our dream is to pursue our own hobbies and interests in a location we love.

We will be moving away from our son, his wife and their children. Our grandchildren are 3 and 10 months. Although we're excited to start the next chapter of our lives in a quieter, more rural place, I'm worried we're going to miss out on family. Everytime we talk about ds and family coming up to stay with us they're very non commital. I've offered for gc to stay without ds and dil but they're not keen. It will be a 3/4 hour journey for them, taking into account their youngest doesn't travel well and will need to stop on route.

We've been living about 20/25 mins away from them and see each other fairly regularly. We have been looking after their eldest one afternoon a week while they work but obviously that will be changing. We plan to come and stay near them so we can see them so it isn't all on them. But I know they struggle. Ds has got various health issues, dil had pnd badly and their ds is being assessed for special needs. They moved house themselves quite recently. Both ds and dil also work. So maybe the timing isn't great for them, I know their day to day life can be hard but we need to think about our own lives and happiness.

But AIBU to think that they should make an effort to see us when we move? Are we doing the right thing with this move when effectively we could be cutting ourselves off from them unintentionally?

The person(s) who move away should be the ones to do the most of the travelling/visiting. It was your choice to go, not theirs.

Your PIL are very unreasonable. Assuming that’s what you’re after?

YABU. surely a reverse?

Also OP. (We know you're the DIL)
I would be making it very very clear to DH that should I be going down there then you are on holiday mode. So no you won't be cleaning or cooking or organising or rushing around making sure the kids don't touch or break anything.
That's on him and them.

Yabu. You moving away not them.and they a child that doesn't travel well

This'll be a reverse then.
3-4 hours is too far for you to drive regularly.

Family who live 3/4 hours away get an annual visit.

I'm not obliterating hours of time and petrol money. You choose to move away, you've chosen to be away from them.

This is definitely a reverse, but my PIL moved away recently and I had young children. Initially I felt they were a bit unfair to expect us to travel to them but it's lovely to have a change of scenery and for the children to spend quality time with them.

They come and visit us too and it's nice. There's no pressure from anyone.

one of my parents moved 6 hrs away when they retired as that's what they wanted, which is fine it's their life. We've visited once in 8 years. My kids are now too big for us all to fit in their house, we also have additional needs to contend with which makes going anywhere difficult and the travel time means we need to go for at least a few days meaning using up our annual leave.

they do come here but we've no room to put them up so it's for a day visit then they stay with other family an hour away.

im sad they left and they have barely any relationship with their grandchildren now, but we just can't manage visiting them due to SEND needs, or paying for accommodation and travel and using annual leave when we need it for other things, especially when we have lots of appts for the children.

This

How often do you want them to visit? More than once a year - YABU.
How often are you going to visit them? Less than 4x a year - YABU.

YABVU, you are choosing to move away (not because you have to) so you need to make the effort to go back and visit. They're really struggling already and the last thing they need is you guilting them into a really long round trip with everything they have going on. Leave them alone, you've made your choice and it's up to them if they feel they are up to making the trip - you've made it clear you want them to so now back off.

Definitely a reverse!

I live a 4 hour drive away from my parents and have 3 children aged 6, 5 and almost a year old. We travel back and forth but less so since both my two older ones have started school. I have recently been back for a family wedding and a joint first birthday party (early) for my baby but won't now see them until new year. Its tough going for a weekend, especially on my baby who gets out of sorts despite us stopping once or twice on the way. My parents could come to me but tend not to as dad has sciatica and finds the journey difficult. I love them and do make the effort but sometimes I feel they don't appreciate how hard it is travelling with kids. They very kindly have us to stay but it costs a full tank to get there and back. I also selfishly don't want to visit everytime I have holidays, we would like to take our brood abroad soon and there is lots of places in the UK I would like to go.I've had to explain that as they can't come to every birthday my kids have, I can't always make it either, it isn't something to get upset over just one of those things.

I've said this just so you can understand another perspective. You are at a stage in life where you should be doing what is right for you but you have to accept that with young kids, health worries and jobs they will find it hard to make family time for themselves never minding getting to see you often. You do have to accept the further away you move, the less likely you are to see them. If that's an issue I would seriously reconsider.

OP- DIL don’t be putting yourself out for them particularly. Your needs and family come first in this situation.

Reverse?

I don't think the grandparents are obliged to stay where they are to help out their children and provide childcare. If they want to move away for a fresh start, of course they are free to. Part of making that decision should be that of course they won't have the same relationship with their grandchildren that they would if they lived closer. That may be part of the calculation for the move if they don't want to be providing regular childcare.

I think visits should work both ways. If it is much easier for one party to do the travelling (say one party doesn't drive due to health or one party can't accommodate the others to stay) then that should factor in. But otherwise you should visit them sometimes and they visit you sometimes. Offering to have grandchildren to stay alone is a bit odd - how would they get there if the parents don't drive them? A 3 hour trip is a 6 hour round-trip.

If they want to move away, focus on how to make the relationship work with phone calls, zoom chats, day trips to places in the middle, occasional visits. Maybe a joint holiday or long weekend somewhere. That will work out much better than some regimented motorway schedule of visits.

An 8 hour round trip is too much to do regularly. Once or twice a year then fine but I wouldn't do it more frequently.

Is the new house suitable for young kids? Is there space to put people up?

yabu.
We are in a very, very similar situation.
IL’s moved 4.5 hours away when DD was a few weeks old. We also have DS who has SEN. It’s been 2 years since they moved and they’ve visited us twice. We haven’t been to them at all yet as apart from the dc’s not travelling well, the cost of fuel and hotel would be a lot. They’re always making comments on video calls about how much they’d love to see us. Come see us then, they’re both retired and mortgage free 🤷‍♀️

Yes, you are being unreasonable & selfish. But maybe you don't enjoy grand-children and helping your S and D-I-L. I think this is a decision that you may regret later. You are asking people at a very stressful point of their lives to commit time and money to visiting you. I doubt if they will. You may well miss them. Disclosure: I am a grandmother who has given up a day's work a week to take care of my grandchildren & we moved close to make it all possible. But although tiring I do really enjoy the family work and I want to help my family. You obviously feel differently.

My parents live 4 hours away from me and the DC and we visit them twice a year. It helps that they live by the seaside so there’s plenty to do and we make it into a holiday. They would love us to visit more often but realistically that’s all I can manage. My mum has limited mobility so they can’t travel to us unfortunately.

That’s a long drive for a weekend and I wouldn’t be using annual leave to go and stay with parents (we do holiday with them though).

it will only get harder for them to visit as the DC get older and start with weekend activities.

YABU

Probably a reverse, but in case it’s isn’t: YABU.

You're young for retirement and could be a great support for your dc and dgc. But instead you’re moving away and leaving them to it.

Yes, your relationship will suffer. Yes, your gc will not have as good a relationship with you as they would have. You will lose the closeness you could have had and they will feel abandoned. And it’s your decision.

Reverse?

“I know their day to day life can be hard but we need to think about our own lives and happiness.”

If this is not a reverse this is one of the most selfish posts I’ve ever read.