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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Moving away. AIBU that family should come and see us?

236 replies

ChoccyWoccyHoHa · 21/08/2022 16:46

Myself, dh and my elderly dad are moving away very soon. Myself and dh are nearly 60 and retired. My dad is in his 80s and will be living in assisted living accommodation not far from our new house. Our dream is to pursue our own hobbies and interests in a location we love.

We will be moving away from our son, his wife and their children. Our grandchildren are 3 and 10 months. Although we're excited to start the next chapter of our lives in a quieter, more rural place, I'm worried we're going to miss out on family. Everytime we talk about ds and family coming up to stay with us they're very non commital. I've offered for gc to stay without ds and dil but they're not keen. It will be a 3/4 hour journey for them, taking into account their youngest doesn't travel well and will need to stop on route.

We've been living about 20/25 mins away from them and see each other fairly regularly. We have been looking after their eldest one afternoon a week while they work but obviously that will be changing. We plan to come and stay near them so we can see them so it isn't all on them. But I know they struggle. Ds has got various health issues, dil had pnd badly and their ds is being assessed for special needs. They moved house themselves quite recently. Both ds and dil also work. So maybe the timing isn't great for them, I know their day to day life can be hard but we need to think about our own lives and happiness.

But AIBU to think that they should make an effort to see us when we move? Are we doing the right thing with this move when effectively we could be cutting ourselves off from them unintentionally?

OP posts:
teawamutu · 21/08/2022 18:05

dribblewibble · 21/08/2022 18:00

Reverse?

Has to be, surely.

averageavocado · 21/08/2022 18:07

PatriciaHolm · 21/08/2022 16:49

I'm calling reverse on this one....

Clearly

S0upertrooper · 21/08/2022 18:09

"but we need to think about our own lives and happiness."

So do they. You're not being unreasonable moving away but you are unreasonable to expect them to visit. Can they even afford the petrol? 4 hours in a car for a kid with additional needs is a big ask.

Ilovemyfairylights · 21/08/2022 18:10

YADBU, my parents did this 25 years ago, 200 miles away from me with 2 young children and 400 from my sibling also with 2 young children.
My parents also bought a property with no room for us to stay so we had the added expense of booking hotels etc.
None of their grandchildren were close to them and it damaged mine and siblings relationship with them as they obviously didn’t feel we were an important part of their life.

They we’re happy until they got older and ill health became an issue, after dad died it was a nightmare .

I wouldn’t do it if you value the relationship with your family ,it sounds like they need your support and in later years you will probably need theirs.
I think you are essentially giving them the message that they are not that important to you. My parents ended up with a lot of regrets and it was too late to repair the damage.
We basically only saw them 3 to 4 times a year.

Both my parents have died now and sadly we don’t really miss them as they just weren’t part of our lives. I really wish it had been different but it wasn’t my choice.

Blondeshavemorefun · 21/08/2022 18:12

Better not be a reverse ……

yes travelling 8hrs there and back is a lot

will be a weekend away 4hrs drive. Stay then 4hrs next day

might happen every few months

yes you will miss out on seeing your gc and supporting your ds and dil who sound thry need help

not so much lack of childcare

you and dh and dad are choosing to move away so far

unicormb · 21/08/2022 18:15

You're moving away when they are in the process of gaining a diagnosis for their disabled child? A child who they will have no support with now, because you're moving away to enjoy your lives?

I mean, that's up to you but don't expect them to travel to you. I can't take my autistic child on car journeys of longer than an hour. And they have a baby too. Impossible.

If you're ok with being physically and emotionally distant with them then proceed with the move, but don't expect the relationship to be maintained as it has been.

Kite22 · 21/08/2022 18:17

YANBU to move, if that is the right thing for you, but YABU to think it is going to be very easy for them to travel to see you.

Unless you are moving to a lovely seaside location or somewhere that would be attractive for them to spend a week with you in the Summer, I don't think you are reasonable to expect people who are both at work to travel 3 to 4 hours to visit other than the occasional year for a week at Christmas, even before you add in the fact they are at that exhausting time of life with a baby and toddler.

Livpool · 21/08/2022 18:23

ChloeKellyIsAnIcon · 21/08/2022 16:50

If you're the ones moving away, and you are so keen to keep in touch with them, I think the onus is on you to do most of the travelling to visit and don't expect too much from them. It sounds like they have a lot going on tbh.

I agree with this.

Sounds like OP's son and family have had a tough time. And OP is the one moving

Snegle · 21/08/2022 18:25

Yabu. My parents moved 4 hours away a few years ago and assumed I'd be popping up regularly because they live in a nice seaside town. But it's a mission to visit them and I dread the drive. It also means I have to stay there for a couple of nights - I'd rather not as there are always arguments and tension. Because they live in a touristy town, accommodation costs a fortune so I can't afford to fork out £500+ for an Airbnb every time I visit for the weekend. Plus the petrol costs... my last visit cost £85 in petrol. And when I get there, they have no food in the fridge and expect me to take them out for dinner because I'm earning and they are retired. If I had young kids there would be no chance I'd be seeing them more often than at Christmas.

If you want to see your family and grandkids regularly you have to make an effort too.

allabouttheviews · 21/08/2022 18:29

If you don’t want to miss out on family, don’t move 4 hours away from them. The end.

Meseekslookatme · 21/08/2022 18:30

My Dad moved away
I've seen him 3 times in a decade
He's historically made little effort to see me so now I do the same.
Just my anecdote.

InChocolateWeTrust · 21/08/2022 18:33

Yabu.

They are presumably working parents of young kids, time is the one they don't have and you do, yet are moving away knowing it will mean an 8 hour round trip is a real pain for them.

TattiePants · 21/08/2022 18:35

God, reverse threads are so bloody tedious.

sunshinesupermum · 21/08/2022 18:36

YABU to expect your son DiL and children to travel so far to visit you. I would love to live closer to mine and can't understand why you need to be so far away.

PeekAtYou · 21/08/2022 18:40

This is clearly a reverse.

if you have 3-4 hours away then there will inevitably be less contact than when you live 25 mins away.

Travelling 3-4 hours with young kids is tough. Do the ILs have space or will a hotel be needed? Will the ILs be contributing to the financial coat of these trips or will they travel to their grandchildren an equal amount and also stay in a hotel so the costs balance out more?

User354354 · 21/08/2022 18:41

PatriciaHolm · 21/08/2022 16:49

I'm calling reverse on this one....

Absolutely

alpenguin · 21/08/2022 18:42

Yabu
you made the decision to relocate, your son and his family have their routines and so few people have time at weekends to regularly be be making 4 hour trips.

My parent did this and complains in old age we can’t look after them and is forever expecting us to change our family (and life) plans to go visit them 4+ hours away and then gets stroppy when I say we have too much on. It’s not that we never visit but our kids have parties and clubs etc and we have house maintenance and uniforms to sort etc. My parent lived 5 mins away until my eldest was 3 or 4 then moved far away when I needed them most.
you made your decision to improve your hobbies and social life you have to accept that may not fit into your adult childs life.

Threeboysandadog · 21/08/2022 18:44

I went away to university and then stayed there. When I was single Mum and I used to meet up half way. Once I had small children Mum traveled to stay with me. When the children got older we did a mix. If the dc had things on then Mum came to me otherwise we traveled and stayed with her. Once she was older and need help I traveled to her.

I think, for the moment, it’s you that should do the travelling.

PriOn1 · 21/08/2022 18:46

Travelling will likely get easier as the children get older so visiting might become more of a pleasure and less of a hassle. It very much depends on whether your family like driving in general. 3-4 hours after work on a Friday was never much hassle for me (with children) when my parents lived that kind of distance away, but then I drove for my job and it was an easy drive. My children were quite good in the car, though I’d think stopping for something to eat would be normal with small children on that length of journey.

My parents doubtless hoped I’d visit, but they never once asked for any kind of commitment. If it’s on your mind so much that you’ve asked them often enough for them to be described as non-committal, you’re probably hassling them. Have you thought about how to visit them without it being a hassle? Is there somewhere local you can stay, if they don’t want overnight visitors? You can commit to visiting them, but you can’t force them to visit you, so it’s up to you to make the commitment if you want to see them.

reluctantbrit · 21/08/2022 18:48

We moved long before DD was born but when she arrived my PIL came more often than we flew to them.

It's was just easier, cheaper, no juggling baby/children equipment, DD had her toys, bed, routine instead of sharing a small guest room with a travel cot and my MIL didn't need to baby proof the house all the time.

It only changed when they got older (mid-late Eighties now) but DD is now a teen, so easier to sort out.

We went back for holidays and added a couple of days visit but only if we were in the area.

It all comes down to what's easier. A retired couple has more flexibility than a family with children.

JenniferBarkley · 21/08/2022 18:52

It's a reverse, OP has posted at least twice before about PIL moving away with GPIL, and been flamed for her attitude to PIL. If I remember correctly, PIL have significant caring responsibilities for generations both older and younger, and were moving to start a new life in retirement. OP was furious that they were removing childcare, and that the new house would be small for them all to stay.

OP. Your PIL are not obliged to run their life around you. Having said that, with similar aged children and family at a similar distance, I wouldn't be making the trip often.

Porcupineintherough · 21/08/2022 18:56

I would hope the relationship would be strong enough that both sides would make some effort to see the other. But I cannot imagine a young family being able to make the trip more than once a year.

Original poster
ChoccyWoccyHoHa · 21/08/2022 19:04

We are making big sacrifices for this move. Moving away from our son, grandchildren, my brother, friends, etc. And it will mean that my husband is even further away from his family. We've explained to everyone our reasons for moving. An opossum arose for us to make the move happen this year and we took it. But with my son, maybe I just need to lower my expectations for now and see how it goes.

OP posts:
TidyDancer · 21/08/2022 19:07

Give it up OP, just admit your reverse and move on.

tobedtoMN · 21/08/2022 19:08

Opossum 🤣