Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 ··· 9 10

Original poster

AIBU to be upset with DH over this?

248 replies

Rainflows · 19/08/2022 11:39

DD is EBF and has an allergy so I’ve had to cut out a major food allergen from my diet. It can take weeks to leave my system so I can’t just pump and dump once after eating it.

Relatives are coming to see us today for a meal out on their way to see other relatives. They’re going through a rough time financially due to circumstances outside of their control and only told us this yesterday. There was a very clear expectation that we pay for the meal out because they can’t afford to contribute to it. They have previously paid for meals for us - they aren’t stingy or money-grabbing but their financial issue has left them with no access to funds.

The “en route” that we’re meeting them at is actually quite far from our house so we can’t just cook at ours because it’d be a big detour for them on an already long journey.

Our finances are fully and totally shared, but technically I’m bringing in slightly more than he is. Since I went onto maternity leave DH has been panicked to hell about money, even though I’m on full pay so we’re actually better off financially (due to reduced childcare costs for DS and no commuting costs for me). DH has said, since yesterday when we found out they need us to pay the full bill, that we can’t afford it. This involved going through all our bank statements etc (which showed that we’re actually fine financially) but he just won’t accept it. Our credit card is under but that’s purely because DDog needed an operation and we had to pay the vet upfront but the pet insurance takes six weeks to reimburse the cost back to us.

DH then remembered that we have a gift card for a nice chain restaurant that we could use. I initially agreed but, after looking at the menu, the only things I can eat that don’t contain the allergen are olives and hummus - none of the main dishes.

DH has pretty much said that it’s tough and it’s what we’re doing and that people with allergies eat what’s available. None of us have had allergies, intolerances or special dietary requirements before so I’m not sure if I’m being precious but just having olives and hummus at a restaurant seems really shit. AIBU to think that we should just go to another restaurant and pay the bill?

OP posts:

FiveShelties · 19/08/2022 11:44

I don't think you are being precious at all. Perhaps he should show his support for his wife and daughter and join you in the meal of olives and hummus.

He is being mean and that is a very unpleasant characteristic.

Midlifemusings · 19/08/2022 11:45

Call the chain and see what they could make for you without the allergen. Then go back to your DH with this information. Most chefs are used to accomodating allergies

Whose relatives are these? If his, just decide not to go if he insists on a restaurant that has told you you cna't eat there.

Or decide just to meet them for tea / coffee a light meet up versus a full on meal.

And your DH should get help for his anxiety.

Penguinfeather781 · 19/08/2022 11:47

I’d just not go or meet your relatives for a picnic somewhere. How dare he expect you to pay for relatives to have a nice enjoyable meal while you sit there hungry. I’m slightly surprised a chain restaurant doesn’t contain anything free of dairy/gluten/egg or whatever it is but I certainly wouldn’t accept what he’s suggesting.

Just tell him you’re spending some of what you are saving your family by breastfeeding instead of buying formula…

Trulyweird1 · 19/08/2022 11:49

Are they your relatives OP? Is that why he thinks his attitude is acceptable? And does he think it’s fine for his wife and DD to suffer because he is a dick?

If they are your family, maybe suggest he sits this one out - that will save some money.

If they are his relatives, he sucks it up, or goes alone.

girlmom21 · 19/08/2022 11:56

Just tell him you're not going if you can't eat a decent meal when you're there.

PamelaBanisha · 19/08/2022 11:58

Chain restaurants are the worst for accommodating allergies as they are usually unable to go “off piste “ as everything is pre prepared.
I often eat hummus only and take some food I can eat as I have multiple allergies.
It is shitty to live with allergies sometimes.

WhackingPhoenix · 19/08/2022 11:59

What’s the allergen? Would you be safe with meat and salad?

namechange30455 · 19/08/2022 12:00

What's the allergen? And what chain?

Is there a way you could have an adapted version of something on the menu?

Gasmeters · 19/08/2022 12:00

Unless you're about to drip feed that your baby is actually 2 Yanbu

PandaOrLion · 19/08/2022 12:01

Chain restaurants are often bad, but I’d speak to them too. I’m coeliac and for example harvester has about two choices on their menu. However it’s because lots of stuff is served with bread on the side. If I choose to not have the bread then the meal itself is fine.

Ive also had a lot of meals where I can only have one salad or one side order.

Moltenpink · 19/08/2022 12:01

PamelaBanisha · 19/08/2022 11:58

I voted YABU because I assumed the opposite, that a chain would have good allergy training and would be able to accommodate. That’s rubbish if not

billy1966 · 19/08/2022 12:07

OP, this is not normal behaviour.

He is extremely controlling.

Have you full control over your own money because it certainly doesn't soundike it.

If this is your first child and this is how you are being treated, be very very careful.

He sounds awful, really awful.

Topgub · 19/08/2022 12:11

That all seems like a very weird overreaction

I wouldnt tolerate dh trying to tell me how to spend money

HollowTalk · 19/08/2022 12:11

I'd bet my house that he wouldn't eat the same thing.

LittleOwl153 · 19/08/2022 12:12

I'd remove his access to the gift card, and tell him he is not using it and you are not going to said restaurant thus nor is your daughter.

If its his relatives he can explain to them that he is too tight to fund his wife actually eating, if its yours go without him and do what you want/need for baby!

DH has pretty much said that it’s tough and it’s what we’re doing and that people with allergies eat what’s available.

For this comment DH is a twat. Not only is he denying YOU a meal that he plans to enjoy he is also setting up a VERY POOR attitude towards your daughter and an allergy she may have to live with for the rest of her life! People with allergies do have difficulties eating out - but it is not impossible. Don't let him set this precident that you/your daughter eating doesn't matter.

Inertia · 19/08/2022 12:15

Totally unreasonable to expect a breastfeeding mother to go without a meal!

A better option would be that you have a full meal elsewhere and he goes without, as he isn’t also maki g food for a baby.

I would either contact the restaurant to see if the can make something allergen free, or insist on going somewhere you can eat. Otherwise make a picnic for all and meet at a park.

LittleOwl153 · 19/08/2022 12:16

Maybe suggest to him that HE cuts out the allergen too so that he can appreciate what your daughter will be living with. Starting with this restaurant visit. I bet he won't because he is selfish.

Quitelikeit · 19/08/2022 12:20

Why have you allowed these people to pay the bill in full in the past? You didn’t contribute at all? What was the average cost of said bills?

seems like your dh is happy to be in the receiving end of generosity but not return the favour?

absolute turn off, greedy and stingy!

sorry I would hate that

youve said yourself you have plenty money so the only problem is him!

can you leave him at home?

SparrowsNest · 19/08/2022 12:22

Ring the restaurant and if there is something they could offer you. If not, then personally I just wouldn't go unless an alternative restaurant is agreed.

Almondsandraisins · 19/08/2022 12:22

*DH has pretty much said that it’s tough and it’s what we’re doing and that people with allergies eat what’s available.

For this comment DH is a twat. Not only is he denying YOU a meal that he plans to enjoy he is also setting up a VERY POOR attitude towards your daughter and an allergy she may have to live with for the rest of her life! People with allergies do have difficulties eating out - but it is not impossible. Don't let him set this precident that you/your daughter eating doesn't matter.*

This

Your DH is telling you that in future he will expect your daughter to just suck it up if he wants to go to a restaurant that cannot accommodate her needs.

You need to stop this now. He does not get to put his unwarranted anxiety about money over the health and wellbeing of his child. He has to learn to balance them both.

And quite frankly your relatives demanding that a couple, with a new baby and all the associated costs with that and maternity leave, pay for a meal at the last moment is quite shitty behaviour as well.

ShadowoftheFall · 19/08/2022 12:23

He is being an utter taunt. Be very wary, if he doesn’t appreciate the necessity for care with your daughters diet, he will likely be just as casual when she is older and he is responsible for feeding her. My in laws are notorious for thinking that a burger (wheat and dairy in a brioche bun) or pizza (again wheat and so much cheese) won’t do any harm just this once, it’s what all her friends are having.

TeddyTonks · 19/08/2022 12:27

Ugh, how annoying. Similar happened to me with SIL and BIL, they invited us to stay, said they'd cook and allergen free roast dinner for lunch but then insisted on going out to a new friends cafe which served paninis and enormous amazing ice cream sundaes covered in chocolate and other stuff. SIL knew I wouldn't be able to eat anything so made me a DRY ham sandwich in tin foil as a substitue to take with me while I had to sit there and watch them all eat. What a fucking joke! I was fuming. YANBU

Shamoo · 19/08/2022 12:29

Blimey, what a prick. YA definitely NBU.

If it’s his family, tell him the options are (1) he goes alone with the gift card, (2) you cancel, or (3) you pay to go somewhere else together. No other options available.

If your family, tell him he’s welcome not to come but you aren’t going to the chain and you will be paying. End of discussion.

I am a bit surprised that a chain doesn’t have better options. My DW is coeliac and it’s very very rare to find anywhere that limited, and certainly not a chain. What’s the intolerance? Dairy and you are going Italian?

Original poster

Rainflows · 19/08/2022 12:33

Thank you. I didn’t think I was nuts!

We’ve been to the restaurant before with the gift card and asked about options then. I can’t even have the bread with the hummus, just the hummus itself. DD isn’t even a month old yet, but apparently she should grow out of these allergies within a year or so, so that’s somewhat reassuring.

They’re my relatives. I can’t go alone because I’m not able to drive at the moment (and I think they prefer DH to me anyway haha).

It’s frustrating because the same thing happened the other day. We didn’t have anything to eat for dinner because when we opened our Hello Fresh we discovered everything was out of date, stinking, rotting and wilted so we had some foods that DH could eat in the fridge but nothing I could have. He said we couldn’t afford a takeaway and our local shop would’ve been closed by the time he got there (closes at 9 but won’t let anyone in after 8.45). So, he ate dinner and I didn’t. I did express to him then that I was really hurt that he didn’t seem to care at all that I wasn’t eating. Later on, he did say that he was sorry and accepted that he was wrong but, by then, all the takeaways had closed. I have a massive oversupply of milk so this isn’t impacting DD or breastfeeding though.

DH has now said that his concern is that my relatives will be uncomfortable with us spending a lot of money given the situation.

OP posts:

Ponoka7 · 19/08/2022 12:36

OP you are being financially abused. He isn't in charge and it's worrying that you will go without food to keep the peace.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 ··· 9 10

Swipe left for the next trending thread