AIBU to be upset with DH over this?

[Rainflows]

DD is EBF and has an allergy so I’ve had to cut out a major food allergen from my diet. It can take weeks to leave my system so I can’t just pump and dump once after eating it.

Relatives are coming to see us today for a meal out on their way to see other relatives. They’re going through a rough time financially due to circumstances outside of their control and only told us this yesterday. There was a very clear expectation that we pay for the meal out because they can’t afford to contribute to it. They have previously paid for meals for us - they aren’t stingy or money-grabbing but their financial issue has left them with no access to funds.

The “en route” that we’re meeting them at is actually quite far from our house so we can’t just cook at ours because it’d be a big detour for them on an already long journey.

Our finances are fully and totally shared, but technically I’m bringing in slightly more than he is. Since I went onto maternity leave DH has been panicked to hell about money, even though I’m on full pay so we’re actually better off financially (due to reduced childcare costs for DS and no commuting costs for me). DH has said, since yesterday when we found out they need us to pay the full bill, that we can’t afford it. This involved going through all our bank statements etc (which showed that we’re actually fine financially) but he just won’t accept it. Our credit card is under but that’s purely because DDog needed an operation and we had to pay the vet upfront but the pet insurance takes six weeks to reimburse the cost back to us.

DH then remembered that we have a gift card for a nice chain restaurant that we could use. I initially agreed but, after looking at the menu, the only things I can eat that don’t contain the allergen are olives and hummus - none of the main dishes.

DH has pretty much said that it’s tough and it’s what we’re doing and that people with allergies eat what’s available. None of us have had allergies, intolerances or special dietary requirements before so I’m not sure if I’m being precious but just having olives and hummus at a restaurant seems really shit. AIBU to think that we should just go to another restaurant and pay the bill?

Why are you letting your pH dictate how you spend money?

Why didn't you just phone a takeaway?

So your husband is abusive.

You are a very new mother with a month old baby and he denied you food.

Seriously abusive.

I think you need support.

Can you contact your GP and health visitor.

This is NOT normal.

This is very abusive behaviour.

You sound very vulnerable and naive to be tolerating this.

Only a very bad man would do what he did.

You are EBF you need to be fed, minded, kept hydrated.

It beggars belief he would deny you food.

Please take this very seriously and protect yourself from him.

So, he ate dinner and I didn’t.

He's an absolute dick, and at the very least, starting to be abusive.

Honestly, can off seeing the relatives this time, it doesn't work for you. And strongly consider if this is what you want for your life; and your daughter.

Gosh he made you go without dinner?

come on this man must be very tight?

They’re uncomfortable about getting a free meal??? No I think your husband is uncomfortable about paying

i bet he has got thousands in savings too?

What’s the allergy and have you tried ringing the restaurant to talk it through?

Sorry I can't get past someone eating dinner and letting their breastfeeding partner go hungry.

You know this is abusive right?

This is horrendous. Does he think you don't deserve to eat? What an absolute monster

If money is joint, why is this his decision? Please do kick off a bit more than telling him you're a bit upset that he was happy to let you go without food, especially if he is happy to still eat.

How does he expect you to find this in anyway enjoyable

And please don't not see your relatives. If he's starting to become a controlling partner, theres a good chance he's doing this on purpose to make it difficult for you to see them.

OP, that's really and truly shocking. You're breastfeeding a one month old and his primary concern isn't making sure that you're both well fed and nourished. Even if you weren't breastfeeding or had a baby that's not once, but twice in the space of a month he's happy for you to go without food, that's seriously concerning.

This is really shocking selfish behaviour from him. He really hasn't adjusted well to parenthood has he? Did he ever pull shit like this before the baby?

Like pretty much everyone else in getting the impression he's using "money worries" as an excuse to be abusive.

The restaurant example is bad enough but refusing to let you order food when there's literally nothing in the house you can eat is shocking.

What would have happened if you'd ignored him and ordered for yourself?

I genuinely don’t understand. Why is it his decision? Why would you possibly not buy a takeaway without his permission and only on his authority? You’re a grown woman, buy yourself a take away and tell him you’re going some place else.

is there more to this, is he abusive and controlling in other ways? I can’t imagine being treated like this or asking permission for a takeaway and going hungry if he said no

Why the fuck does your DH get final say about whether you're allowed to order a takeaway? That's appalling, and the fact he'll happily let you go hungry says a lot about how much he cares about you.

I can't even imagine a scenario where I would need DH to agree to me ordering a takeaway so I could eat dinner.

WTAF? He's a total cunt. He ate and you didn't? I'm speechless

Your update is shocking, I would never let my partner go hungry while I greedily tucked into a meal. What a horrible man.

So you're feeding his child and he let you go hungry?

He can FOTTFSOFAFOSM

I assume they're your parents? Tell him that you are going. If he says No I think you've got some hard thinking to do about what you're married to

Have your money paid into your own account.

buy whatever the hell you want to eat and you should be priority if you’re breastfeeding.

your husband is abusing you and is a monumental dickhead he’s spending your money and starving you. Quite literally starving you and your baby.

I’d look at leaving the arsehole personally.

And suggest to relatives that you all eat before meeting up and just have a catch up and a drink somewhere.

So you're feeding his child and he let you go hungry?

she let herself go hungry. She doesn’t need his permission to buy a takeaway. Even teens don’t need parents permission for that.

so the question is why she chose to ask him permission and go hungry as he said no

He's a dick and being so unreasonable in every situation you've mentioned.
Like PP have mentioned your 1 month post partum and breast feeding and making sure you're eating well is the utmost importance.

I'm breastfeeding whilst dealing with allergies for the second time and the constant checking menus wherever you go is an enormous task and adds to an already full mental load. Ask him why he thinks its acceptable for you to eat just homous and olives? That's a snack not a meal and is he going to have the same attitude when DD is weaned and you go to a restaurant? Will she just have to go without? He needs to take the allergy part seriously and realise how difficult it is restricting your diet.

What a selfish and stingy f@cker! Tell him where to go and go to a restaurant you can eat food at. And don't ever let him stop you ordering a takeaway. Can't believe he didn't go to the shops to get some food for you!

Take a picnic. Your relatives are being VU expecting you to pay for their meals.