AIBU to be upset with DH over this?

[Rainflows]

DD is EBF and has an allergy so I’ve had to cut out a major food allergen from my diet. It can take weeks to leave my system so I can’t just pump and dump once after eating it.

Relatives are coming to see us today for a meal out on their way to see other relatives. They’re going through a rough time financially due to circumstances outside of their control and only told us this yesterday. There was a very clear expectation that we pay for the meal out because they can’t afford to contribute to it. They have previously paid for meals for us - they aren’t stingy or money-grabbing but their financial issue has left them with no access to funds.

The “en route” that we’re meeting them at is actually quite far from our house so we can’t just cook at ours because it’d be a big detour for them on an already long journey.

Our finances are fully and totally shared, but technically I’m bringing in slightly more than he is. Since I went onto maternity leave DH has been panicked to hell about money, even though I’m on full pay so we’re actually better off financially (due to reduced childcare costs for DS and no commuting costs for me). DH has said, since yesterday when we found out they need us to pay the full bill, that we can’t afford it. This involved going through all our bank statements etc (which showed that we’re actually fine financially) but he just won’t accept it. Our credit card is under but that’s purely because DDog needed an operation and we had to pay the vet upfront but the pet insurance takes six weeks to reimburse the cost back to us.

DH then remembered that we have a gift card for a nice chain restaurant that we could use. I initially agreed but, after looking at the menu, the only things I can eat that don’t contain the allergen are olives and hummus - none of the main dishes.

DH has pretty much said that it’s tough and it’s what we’re doing and that people with allergies eat what’s available. None of us have had allergies, intolerances or special dietary requirements before so I’m not sure if I’m being precious but just having olives and hummus at a restaurant seems really shit. AIBU to think that we should just go to another restaurant and pay the bill?

@pictish I wasn't being a dick, I was genuinely just interested because you approached it from a cost perspective when I quoted.

@sunsoutmumsout I think @KettrickenSmiled did a great job breaking apart this comment and showing how abuse is built up over time, it’s insidious, and telling someone who is financially abused that they’re a martyr or a doormat is just… I don’t have the words. A woman who is one month postpartum just sits and goes without supper and you couldn’t think of any reason, based on being programmed by her husband to just accept this treatment, why she might do that? You just jump to calling her a martyr? Not a good look. I do hope this comment was a wind-up. I have to assume it might have been since you ask why “can’t you cook a meal for them at home” when it says RIGHT IN THE OP:

“The “en route” that we’re meeting them at is actually quite far from our house so we can’t just cook at ours because it’d be a big detour for them on an already long journey.”

Honestly. What does this accomplish besides showing you didn’t read the OP and name-calling a possible abuse victim?

Yes, this.
I'm worried about how little he cares that you'll be sitting there hungry, especially as that's happened before.
Panics about money are also common trigger points for men becoming abusive, as well as a new baby.
If you can't drive, can a relative or friend come to you if you need them to?

Is this your first baby?

I agree that he is being abusive and controlling. It's not unusual that this starts when you are pregnant or have just had a child.

I think you need to sit him down and tell him you're not having him behaving this way. You are going to dinner with your parents at a restaurant of your choosing and you are going to pay.

But, I think you need to be careful because abusive behaviour usually escalates.

It's an irrelevant opinion, because OP is not happy enough to have the choice of restaurant forced upon her or be told that she is only allowed hummous & olives.

Although the entire restaurant thing is a red herring.
It's not about food - it's about the fact that her H is a controlling arsehole.

Yeah except for the occasion where her DH did force her to starve when he ate a full meal

Stop normalising abusive behaviour

It does sound like there are discussions to be had with your DH about being more understanding of your situation - and it isn't unreasonable for you to want to go somewhere else.

On the food front though, generally chains will be well practised in catering for allergies and if you do end up going there I would recommend talking to them to see if they can adapt dishes to accommodate you. They may have gluten-free option where cheese added at the end is the only dairy component so they can easily make it dairy free. They should be able to give you a breakdown of the ingredients if you ask for it and you could also contact them in advance if you'd rather know before you go. My DS has a severe allergy and I think eating out with allergies is always hard, and frustratingly restrictive when you compare it to eating out without allergies.

DH has now said that his concern is that my relatives will be uncomfortable with us spending a lot of money given the situation.

Bullshit.

Does he think they'll be comfortable tucking into a meal while you sit there nibbling on olives? I wouldn't in their shoes.

OP, you've said you work and in fact you're the higher earner. The other night when he forbade you from ordering a takeaway and ate in front of you, what stopped you from just ignoring him and doing it anyway? Do you not have access to your own money? Were you worried he'd be angry with you?

Is he controlling in other areas of your life or just where money is concerned?

Wait. Your breastfeeding a baby with allergies, and your husband sits there and eats and literally tells you 'too bad' if there's nothing for you?!? WTF?!!

You are in a controlling, abusive relationship.

Call Women's Aid.

Why can't you just order a takeaway yourself?! I don't understand.

He is being awful about the restaurant though

Asking a breastfeeding mother to skip meals is not ok. The partner of a breastfeeding mother is supposed to make sure she is fed. It’s one of the primary responsibilities of the partner in the first few months.

expecting someone with allergies to just not eat or to make due is also not ok. It’s not a preference or a choice like other dietary restrictions. Yes, it often happens that you are forced to make due, but no one who cares about you should put you in that situation.

chains are fantastic for allergies because they actually provide ingredient lists and label dishes properly. No, they can’t modify meals substantially, but you can review menus in detail. Most of the time questions about esoteric allergens at non-chain restaurants get met with the complete inability to find the information.

surely there is someplace reasonably cheap that you could meet up with them where everyone can eat and they can see the baby. That is the goal isn’t it?

Such an odd take you have on this. Did you read her second post on this thread btw, her "D"H literally forced her to starve

Actually this is a fair point.

Presumably the OP was going to have breakfast the next morning? Lunch etc? Even if for argument’s sake a takeaway was completely out of the question, I can’t believe that there wasn’t a single other thing in the house the OP could eat.

You are in abusive relationship

Mummy of an allergy baby here! Having a baby with allergies is exhausting, breastfeeding with allergies/cutting out foods is even more exhausting. You should not be going without food. A breastfeeding mother needs to be prioritised for meals if anything!

being a month postpartum and with the additional stress going on you deserve a nice meal, def not to go hungry in a restaurant whilst everyone else eats. It sounds like your relatives are also going through a stressful time so could do with a treat. You DH should just take you to the restaurant if you can afford it. It’s a one-off. Also you are saving the family lots of money by breastfeeding, so this meal could come from that!

Does he realise you’re feeling your joint child with your own body? That as a result you are having to cut out a food/ food group entirely that you might enjoy, whilst he merrily has whatever he likes?

Does he really think it’s appropriate to suggest that his breastfeeding wife - who therefore has additional nutritional needs - just eats olives and hummus?

Never mind the fact you bring in more of the money!

I mean you could call the restaurant and see what’s available but it’s pretty shit!

Such an odd take you have on this. Did you read her second post on this thread btw, her "D"H literally forced her to starve I’m not sure that’s entirely true though.

He said she couldn’t order a takeaway and she stuck to that. But are we to believe there wasn’t a single ingredient in the house? No fruit? No veg? That the DH only allows gluten and dairy full food in the house in which case the OP is never allowed to eat?

Apart from the restaurant incident, OP has been very vague about the rest, just that he wouldn’t let her order a takeaway. But I find it difficult to believe that she couldn’t have had at least something out of the cupboards.

Also, most chains absolutely will cater for allergies. As a PP said, gluten free pizza without cheese and job done.

Asking a breastfeeding mother to skip meals is not ok.

Trying to control your partners access to food is not ok regardless of how they choose to feed their baby.

I also don't believe that switching to formula so OP's diet becomes less restricted (as some pp have suggested) will solve the problem as I strongly suspect her DH's controlling and selfish behaviour would just manifest in other ways and he would find other means of depriving her.

I'm taking the OP at her word but even if there was some fruit she could have eaten, why should she have to eat an apple for dinner? The main point here is why does her husband get the final word on whether she's allowed to buy herself a take away?

Just read your update which makes it all miles worse.

He is abusive.

On the occasion when you had no food in, he should have made absolutely sure you were fed. As his no 1 priority, way above feeding his own face. How could any man possible sit and eat a dinner whilst his breast feeding wife went without?

The other thing is that you felt you had to go with his “ruling” and couldn’t just order a takeaway yourself. Really worrying. What would have happened if you just did it?

Apart from the restaurant incident, OP has been very vague about the rest, just that he wouldn’t let her order a takeaway. But I find it difficult to believe that she couldn’t have had at least something out of the cupboards.

That's not really the point though, is it? It's unacceptable for a grown woman who earns her own money to be told by her DH that she is not allowed to order a takeaway. Neither is it acceptable for her to be told she's not allowed to treat her relatives, who are going through a tough time and have been generous in the past, to a meal at a restaurant of her choice with her own money. It's not really about the food, it's about control.

Its quite easy to believe they had run out of fruit and their veg they were getting from hello fresh and it had gone off.

Making a meal that doesn't have veg, dairy or gluten in from store cupboard ingredients is potentially doable I guess, although its not going to be an overly nice meal. But in that case why did her DH only cook for himself and not her?

Whatever the reason there is something wrong in this marriage. Whether the OP didn't cook because she felt she wasn't allowed to, or didn't order a takeaway because she felt she wasn't allowed to this is not normal and points to abusive behaviour.

I have a daughter with a serious allergy (nuts) but no experience of dairy/gluten - but I wonder about phoning the restaurant to ask if they could modify any dishes? Also agree with other comments that your DH is not being at all reasonable about this!

Any husband worth anything would bend over backwards to ensure his breastfeeding wife, and therefore his new baby, was fed over himself. Go to the place where you can eat and suggest he waits outside in the car with a packed lunch. That way you save on his meal, you get to eat and no one has to hang around with such a horrible man.

Another breastfeeding mummy here and I agree with the consensus that feeding your baby is the absolutely priority therefore feeding you is the priority.

I do agree that what you've said about him telling you what you can and can't spend/ eat sounds worrying but I know posts are just a little snippet and context is everything but it's your money too and you have every right to say how it's spent. I think given the circumstances of your family members and that they've treated you before then you should treat them to a meal out at a place that caters for your dietry needs but we don't know your full financial needs. You could always bypass starters, deserts and drinks and go for a veggie option and he can choose not to eat if he's very concerned. Is he being very careful with finances elsewhere or is he picking and choosing what he feels are acceptable cutbacks and what aren't?

Out of interest what would happen if you simply said 'No, I need to eat and this place isn't suitable. I've found another place X and have booked there.' Would he kick off? Refuse to go? Or sulk?