AIBU to be upset with DH over this?

[Rainflows]

DD is EBF and has an allergy so I’ve had to cut out a major food allergen from my diet. It can take weeks to leave my system so I can’t just pump and dump once after eating it.

Relatives are coming to see us today for a meal out on their way to see other relatives. They’re going through a rough time financially due to circumstances outside of their control and only told us this yesterday. There was a very clear expectation that we pay for the meal out because they can’t afford to contribute to it. They have previously paid for meals for us - they aren’t stingy or money-grabbing but their financial issue has left them with no access to funds.

The “en route” that we’re meeting them at is actually quite far from our house so we can’t just cook at ours because it’d be a big detour for them on an already long journey.

Our finances are fully and totally shared, but technically I’m bringing in slightly more than he is. Since I went onto maternity leave DH has been panicked to hell about money, even though I’m on full pay so we’re actually better off financially (due to reduced childcare costs for DS and no commuting costs for me). DH has said, since yesterday when we found out they need us to pay the full bill, that we can’t afford it. This involved going through all our bank statements etc (which showed that we’re actually fine financially) but he just won’t accept it. Our credit card is under but that’s purely because DDog needed an operation and we had to pay the vet upfront but the pet insurance takes six weeks to reimburse the cost back to us.

DH then remembered that we have a gift card for a nice chain restaurant that we could use. I initially agreed but, after looking at the menu, the only things I can eat that don’t contain the allergen are olives and hummus - none of the main dishes.

DH has pretty much said that it’s tough and it’s what we’re doing and that people with allergies eat what’s available. None of us have had allergies, intolerances or special dietary requirements before so I’m not sure if I’m being precious but just having olives and hummus at a restaurant seems really shit. AIBU to think that we should just go to another restaurant and pay the bill?

It's called strategic incompetence by the way. My Ex was also financially abusive, but he'd never ever admit to being wrong. He would always find a way to justify his behavior but once the scales fell from my eyes and I saw his behavior for what it was, I couldn't un-see it. It was deliberate absolutely so, he knew exactly what he was doing.

Jesus so no money to lay for a meal that would feed you a few days ago, but has the funds for lunch in a cafe because HIS stomach is hungry. Sorry to be blunt OP but he is a shit dad. My dad, husband and any other half decent men I know always make sure the kids and wife are sorted before themselves. He clearly doesn't care at all.

I think you need to ask him which it is:

• he doesn't believe in your child's allergies and thinks you're being deliberately fussy/silly
• he is incredibly stupid and unable to remember basic instructions e.g. get the kid a juice - and he should see a doctor
• he likes to see you suffering, hungry, upset and stressed

It has to be one of them. Which do you think it is?

@Rainflows your DH is a twat. I know you don't think he is abusive or controlling, but at the very least he is a selfish twat who puts his needs significantly above the needs of his wife or his children.

Eating a meal in front of you that you cannot eat and telling you you are not allowed to order a takeaway is not normal (and no matter how much you say that he's not abusive or controlling, telling you you aren't allowed to order food when there is none in for you to eat is controlling)

Trying to make you eat at a restaurant when you can have hardly any of the food options even though you could go to a different one is not normal

Taking you into a cafe (although hes not willing to go to a restaurant where he might have to pay more so you can eat properly he is happy to pop in a cafe the moment he is hungry) and then not getting you the drink you want or your child a drink at all is not normal

Also once again you went into place to eat where there is nothing you can eat. So once again you went without food, or the drink you wanted, whilst your DH got to eat. Did your DH even bother to then find somewhere where you could eat, or did you find some food for you? Or are your food needs just optional nowadays? Does anyone actually care if you get your meals any more?

God he's done a right number on you.

I'm glad you're getting food at least.

@TheHideAndSeekingHill nailing it on the head. It's one of those options and I'd be concerned how he's going manage your daughters allergies when she starts eating. I can imagine a lot of excuses and 'accidental' slip ups because it's clearly not a big deal to him. Even without the allergies he should be supporting you with the breastfeeding.

Apologies, meant to add shit partner too. You and your baby deserve to be treated better.

He doesn’t get to tell you not to have dinner what a prick. Choose his favourite foods and tel him you won’t shop for any of them in future to keep costs down

So when it's down to paying for food for your relatives he's not willing to do anything but go to a restaurant where you yourself can't eat. When it comes to him eating he's happy to spend money, but still takes you somewhere you can't eat. How do you not see a pattern here?

You're just as entitled to decide what to spend money on as he is. If there's no food you can eat in the house, order a takeaway! You don't need his permission.

If you can't eat anything in the cafe, tell him you're going to a different one where you can eat. He can stay there or come with you as he prefers.

I’ve packed up DS and DD and walked out. But nowhere to go so went to Sainsbury’s. Ended up spending £10 on a Peppa Pig phone.

I hope reading the thread showed you how abusive this is. I’m sorry for your predicament… hopefully you can get the support you need from likes of WA. (Also 😧 to the posters who think switching to formula is the answer to an abusive partner … I’ve heard it all now)

Oh OP How did you get there today - can you get home without him? Any family or friends you can go and stay with for a while?

Good for you.

Do you have somewhere to go now? Do you have family or friends you can go to?

If not can you call 0808 2000 247 for the domestic violence helpline who can help you find a women's refuge or advise you on the nest best steps

Your local council also have a duty to put you up - www.gov.uk/find-local-council

Do you have a bank account yourself? Transfer out money from shared account to your own account (I’d take the lot frankly).

also tell your work and ensure your salary and maternity pay is paid into your own bank account not your shared account as you don’t need your husband spending your salary.

oh OP.... its time, sweetie.

You started this thread bc your dh said you couldn't afford to buy a meal but here he is buying himself lunch and eating in front of you again, while you go without. That is abusive control of the highest order. Call womensaid today. Hes not allowing you to spend your money and he's not allowing you to eat.

He will start the abuse on your children soon. Get help

Financial abuse in plain sight

op I don’t know if you have gone back but you clearly keep giving your husband the benefit of the doubt

he is tight and financially controlling

you didn’t answer when I asked if he had thousands stashed away in savings but he seems the sort

he won’t change and it’s unlikely you will get any of the savings

i do hope you have access to them but I guess there would be hell to pay if you touched them

Walk into any police station and ask for help.

You have special dietary needs and a financially abusive husband denying you food.

Call family for help.

Transfer money from rhe joint account to your own account.

He is abusive and will abuse your children.

I am so sorry but your children need you to stay well and protect them.

This is absolutely not a decent man.

This must be going on a long time for you not to be aware how dreadful it is.

Go to a police station and ask for help for domestic abuse.

He is abusing your baby by abusing you.

This is so serious.

Have you realised yet OP. What a prick he is.

Op I hope you’re ok. Your partner is a selfish dickhead. Out of the habit of you needing to eat?! He sounds horrible.
go for the meal on your own with relatives. Choose a lovely restaurant and enjoy yourself. Tell your DH he is no longer welcome.
I would seriously be considering my relationship.

If nothing else, I would be FUMING that after all of the grief he has given you over the cost of the meal and the takeaway, hes happy to stop off at a cafe because hes hungry?! And he made sure he gets a nice drink, but conveniently forgets DS and buys you a cheap juice? What a selfish, cheap twat.

You can’t make excuses for this one OP