AIBU to be upset with DH over this?

[Rainflows]

DD is EBF and has an allergy so I’ve had to cut out a major food allergen from my diet. It can take weeks to leave my system so I can’t just pump and dump once after eating it.

Relatives are coming to see us today for a meal out on their way to see other relatives. They’re going through a rough time financially due to circumstances outside of their control and only told us this yesterday. There was a very clear expectation that we pay for the meal out because they can’t afford to contribute to it. They have previously paid for meals for us - they aren’t stingy or money-grabbing but their financial issue has left them with no access to funds.

The “en route” that we’re meeting them at is actually quite far from our house so we can’t just cook at ours because it’d be a big detour for them on an already long journey.

Our finances are fully and totally shared, but technically I’m bringing in slightly more than he is. Since I went onto maternity leave DH has been panicked to hell about money, even though I’m on full pay so we’re actually better off financially (due to reduced childcare costs for DS and no commuting costs for me). DH has said, since yesterday when we found out they need us to pay the full bill, that we can’t afford it. This involved going through all our bank statements etc (which showed that we’re actually fine financially) but he just won’t accept it. Our credit card is under but that’s purely because DDog needed an operation and we had to pay the vet upfront but the pet insurance takes six weeks to reimburse the cost back to us.

DH then remembered that we have a gift card for a nice chain restaurant that we could use. I initially agreed but, after looking at the menu, the only things I can eat that don’t contain the allergen are olives and hummus - none of the main dishes.

DH has pretty much said that it’s tough and it’s what we’re doing and that people with allergies eat what’s available. None of us have had allergies, intolerances or special dietary requirements before so I’m not sure if I’m being precious but just having olives and hummus at a restaurant seems really shit. AIBU to think that we should just go to another restaurant and pay the bill?

oh my goodness OP

Twice in one month you have gone without food.

Twice in one month your husband will eat in front of you while denying you food.

Twice in one month he is denying his own baby.

How many more times will you do this before you realise this is not normal?
Someone who is supposed to care for you is denying you access to food and access to money. Please seek help.

@Pixiedust1234

i agree with everything you’re saying except the denying his own baby. He isn’t, baby is still getting milk op has confirmed. The only one suffering is her. If it was depriving baby he’d probs do something about it. As it stands baby gets milk and he gets to eat and op doesn’t eat and it saves money - winner in his eyes. He doesn’t seem to care about Op at all though.

the awful twat

@Rainflows

what has he said to your suggestion that he misses a couple of meals a month to save money Op?

@LuckySantangelo35 if it continues then it will affect the baby. Twice in one month she hasn't eaten but he has. How many times must this happen before its not acceptable?

He told her to eat normally and screw the baby reacting to the allergens. THAT IS NOT FUCKING NORMAL!

This is dreadful. I think you need to cancel meeting your relatives tomorrow and then start making arrangements to leave your DH. He is being abusive in lots of ways.

In what other ways does your Dh try to control you? I’d have gone ballistic at the refusal to get you food the other night and this whole wanting to use the bloody voucher for the Italian-just tell him no, you aren’t going to eat just olives and hummus!

Thanks for input and thoughts.

With respect to food in the house for dinner, the cupboards weren’t bare. We had bread and cheese and pasta etc. Lots of things available but nothing suitable for me.

We’re in the UK. The allergies are not formally diagnosed. DD had some issues (rash, gas, pain, not gaining/losing weight etc) and the midwife said to contact our GP. The GP it sounds like either a milk protein allergy or coeliac (there’s coeliac in our families anyway) and because of her not gaining weight, I should cut both of those out and see if it improves her symptoms. After about a week, her symptoms did improve significantly. So we’re not formally diagnosed but they’re suspected allergies and I’m following advice from the GP.

It all worked out ok. I expressed to DH that I wasn’t ok with the situation, that I felt it’d be awkward for everyone present and that, aside from anything else, it was disrespectful. I said that I thought his anxiety around our finances is unfounded and that it’s not fair that I suffer as a result. I told him it was rude to try and be cheap when they’ve paid for us so many times before (potentially it’s cultural but, in our families, the older relatives tend to pay for younger relatives - so parents/grandparents/aunts/uncles would pay for meals out with children/grandchildren/nieces/nephews, unless it’s something like Mother’s’ Day or the grandmother’s birthday etc and the younger relatives are specifically treating them). I also pointed out to DH that we could use the voucher now and then not have it later or go somewhere else now and use the voucher later (meaning both the money and voucher are spent but in a different order and both would be on something we both enjoy). After I put my food down, he agreed and booked a nice place with lots of options.

When it came to paying, the relatives said they were given some access to funds this morning to they ended up paying.

Rather than being abusive or controlling, I genuinely think DH is just anxious about the rising cost of living, the demand of another child and various uncertainty - although we’re not badly off, everyone is seeing a reduction in their disposable income. Equally, because I had HG badly during the pregnancy and physically couldn’t eat for so long, he’s out of the habit of me needing to eat.

Thanks for input and thoughts.

With respect to food in the house for dinner, the cupboards weren’t bare. We had bread and cheese and pasta etc. Lots of things available but nothing suitable for me.

We’re in the UK. The allergies are not formally diagnosed. DD had some issues (rash, gas, pain, not gaining/losing weight etc) and the midwife said to contact our GP. The GP it sounds like either a milk protein allergy or coeliac (there’s coeliac in our families anyway) and because of her not gaining weight, I should cut both of those out and see if it improves her symptoms. After about a week, her symptoms did improve significantly. So we’re not formally diagnosed but they’re suspected allergies and I’m following advice from the GP.

It all worked out ok. I expressed to DH that I wasn’t ok with the situation, that I felt it’d be awkward for everyone present and that, aside from anything else, it was disrespectful. I said that I thought his anxiety around our finances is unfounded and that it’s not fair that I suffer as a result. I told him it was rude to try and be cheap when they’ve paid for us so many times before (potentially it’s cultural but, in our families, the older relatives tend to pay for younger relatives - so parents/grandparents/aunts/uncles would pay for meals out with children/grandchildren/nieces/nephews, unless it’s something like Mother’s’ Day or the grandmother’s birthday etc and the younger relatives are specifically treating them). I also pointed out to DH that we could use the voucher now and then not have it later or go somewhere else now and use the voucher later (meaning both the money and voucher are spent but in a different order and both would be on something we both enjoy). After I put my food down, he agreed and booked a nice place with lots of options.

When it came to paying, the relatives said they were given some access to funds this morning to they ended up paying.

Rather than being abusive or controlling, I genuinely think DH is just anxious about the rising cost of living, the demand of another child and various uncertainty - although we’re not badly off, everyone is seeing a reduction in their disposable income. Equally, because I had HG badly during the pregnancy and physically couldn’t eat for so long, he’s out of the habit of me needing to eat.

You're minimising his mistreatment and complete disregard and disrespect of you op.

because I had HG badly during the pregnancy and physically couldn’t eat for so long, he’s out of the habit of me needing to eat

Are you serious? He's "out of the habit" of realising that other human beings need to eat? But he obviously knows that HE needs to eat, right? Because he sees his own needs as important.

It's unlikely to be both gluten and dairy that are causing her issues. Have small amounts of one and see if it bothers her.

Also, you are literally telling him that you need/want to eat, and he's telling you that you aren't allowed to!

That's what happened with the takeaway. It wasn't that he didn't realise you needed food, he knew full well and chose not to permit you.

Absolutely this.

He denied you food when you wanted it.

This is not a good man.

You have a one month old baby with allergies.

He should be bending over backwards.

Even worse that you have had HG.

I suggest you tell your GP and health visitor that he refused you food that you could eat whilst he ate in front of you.

Let's see what their reaction is to that.

He's a disgrace.

What are you on about? Normalising abusive behaviour? What?

Because I don’t mind having a side dish? What?

This thread may have elements of truth in it, but it does stretch the imagination to the maximum

the original question was asking whether the OP should just pay to go to another restaurant. Surely that's the solution here, just don't go to a restaurant where you only eat hummus and olives. Or cancel and meet them at a different time.

But then there are more spanners than B&Q and Screwfix combined thrown into the works that makes it lack credibility

DH refuses to go anywhere else
they absolutely MUST use the vouchers at the hummus and olives restaurant (what rational human being would insist on that? Or think that's acceptable)
the relys don't have the money to either travel or pay for anything
the OP talks about a food delivery that arrived 100% rotten, and has absolutely not a crumb of other food in their house to eat. Bear in mind they are both in work and earning and have a baby.

Unless I've completely misread it, it's an Utterly bonkers but avoidable situation. Or exaggerated.

Hang on. He has and will continue to let his breastfeeding partner not eat?

You need loads of calories when you breastfeed. It's not just about quantity but quality.

I would be considering my options if I were you.

Dear god. I'm far past babies but my bf is straight on it when I'm hungry.

I'm going against the grain here but if your daughter isn't even a month old, how do you know she has allergies?

Please please get better advice than cutting both dairy and gluten from your diet on the advice of a GP....they are generally useless with babies health.
It's not generally advised to just stop eating gluten, it's rare for a baby to have this allergy. Even with a family history the advice us usually eat and have biopsy to confirm.
CMPA does happen yes but now you've cut milk out you do need to reintroduce to your diet to see how your DD does ...do not make her 'allergic' to milk/gluten after one GP appointment.
As an multiple allergy mum, I'd say reintroduce 1 and see how she goes - prob gluten first as much less common problem. Then gently try going up the milk ladder.....Go to the local breastfeeding clinic where they can give better advice than simply stopping both food groups at once 😬

"Rather than being abusive or controlling, I genuinely think DH is just anxious about the rising cost of living, the demand of another child and various uncertainty - although we’re not badly off, everyone is seeing a reduction in their disposable income. Equally, because I had HG badly during the pregnancy and physically couldn’t eat for so long, he’s out of the habit of me needing to eat."

Step back and examine the situation again OP, because I think you ARE minimising. As many people do when it's painful to look at something. In particular - "he’s out of the habit of me needing to eat". You seem to have no idea how fucked up that statement is. Seriously, it's fucked up. If you want to pretend that knowing someone has to eat is a 'habit', can I introduce you to 'instinct'? We instinctively know that every human, every animal, needs to eat. Instinctively. His lack of concern for you may indeed be a habit. But he knows that you need to eat. He's just not bothered about ensuring that you can. Which is very fucked-up for a man who has witnessed his wife going through HG. I would expect such a man to be very alert to ensuring his wife was eating, and eating well.

Anxiety might cause him to cut out unnecessary expenditure. It won't cause the shit he's just handed you. I would not accept 'anxiety' here.

Oh op- he’s out of the habit of you needing to eat? Please look after yourself! I had hg and my Dh was all about finding things I could eat because my health is important. He seems to remember he needs to eat- you do not have to and should not be supportive of ‘anxiety’ that seems to have the effect of him having a nice meal and you starving while you are feeding and looking after a new baby.

OP how are you feeling today?

@Rainflows

hes out of the habit of you needing to eat

is he stupid?

I don’t know what to do. I’m sat in tears outside a cafe with DD because I’ve just walked out. We went for a walk this morning and DH was hungry so we stopped at a cafe. There was no food I could get. I asked him to get me a milkshake with almond milk but often they’re made with ice cream so, in that case, could I have a hot chocolate with almond milk. He then repeated “so a hot chocolate milkshake” and I kept trying to clarify (because what the fuck is a hot chocolate milkshake?!) and DS was going on and on and on about wanting orange juice because he’d spotted it on the shelf. I ended up snapping at DH to make him listen about the milkshake/hot chocolate thing and then I went to save a table. Before I went, I said at least three times to get DS an orange juice.

DH came over to the table when ordering to say the hot chocolate powder has dairy in so I can’t have that. The cafe had a menu of iced drinks so I said to get me one of those. He walked off saying “oh, so an orange juice or something?” and I had to literally call him back because he’d walked off and I clarified “one of the nice juice drinks from the iced drinks menu” and checked he understood. He came back with an apple juice for me and he didn’t get the orange juice for DS (even though I asked him at least three times) and I’ve just sat with DS for ten minutes repeatedly reassuring him that Daddy is bringing him his orange juice.

I queued up and bought DS his orange juice but by the time I’d got to the front of the queue, DH and DS had almost finished their food so I didn’t bother getting myself a drink. I tried to talk to DH at the table but he just wouldn’t listen, so I just walked out.

For what it's worth my Ex used to feign ignorance about stuff like this. It was absolutely deliberate and I'm pretty sure done to punish me for daring to ask him for help. Like, I asked him to take out the bins because I was heavily pregnant and struggling. He did this whole rigmarole of pretending to not understand where they went and i had to explain it to him three times and he still put them in the wrong place. I'm pretty sure if his boss asked him to do something, he'd do it no bother. I'm sorry you're dealing with all this. I'd take some time apart, if I were you and think about whether this is a good relationship for you.