AIBU to be upset with DH over this?

[Rainflows]

DD is EBF and has an allergy so I’ve had to cut out a major food allergen from my diet. It can take weeks to leave my system so I can’t just pump and dump once after eating it.

Relatives are coming to see us today for a meal out on their way to see other relatives. They’re going through a rough time financially due to circumstances outside of their control and only told us this yesterday. There was a very clear expectation that we pay for the meal out because they can’t afford to contribute to it. They have previously paid for meals for us - they aren’t stingy or money-grabbing but their financial issue has left them with no access to funds.

The “en route” that we’re meeting them at is actually quite far from our house so we can’t just cook at ours because it’d be a big detour for them on an already long journey.

Our finances are fully and totally shared, but technically I’m bringing in slightly more than he is. Since I went onto maternity leave DH has been panicked to hell about money, even though I’m on full pay so we’re actually better off financially (due to reduced childcare costs for DS and no commuting costs for me). DH has said, since yesterday when we found out they need us to pay the full bill, that we can’t afford it. This involved going through all our bank statements etc (which showed that we’re actually fine financially) but he just won’t accept it. Our credit card is under but that’s purely because DDog needed an operation and we had to pay the vet upfront but the pet insurance takes six weeks to reimburse the cost back to us.

DH then remembered that we have a gift card for a nice chain restaurant that we could use. I initially agreed but, after looking at the menu, the only things I can eat that don’t contain the allergen are olives and hummus - none of the main dishes.

DH has pretty much said that it’s tough and it’s what we’re doing and that people with allergies eat what’s available. None of us have had allergies, intolerances or special dietary requirements before so I’m not sure if I’m being precious but just having olives and hummus at a restaurant seems really shit. AIBU to think that we should just go to another restaurant and pay the bill?

We tried our daughter on the dairy free formula prescribed by the GP and she literally wouldn’t touch it - to be fair, it smelt horrific. We tried for quite a while but she was so hungry and still wouldn’t go near it. And she was a baby who would happily go breast or formula as she was offered. So that may not be a solution.

@averageavocado Did you not read the whole post? The OP clearly says that the money is not an issue and that she even went through bank statements to prove it. The OP's DH has developed some kind of obsession with restricting spending, despite the fact that they are currently better off financially than they were when the OP was at work. His insistence that they can't afford to pay for a meal out doesn't have any basis in fact.

@Rainflows Your husband is being absolutely ridiculous. He is being ridiculous about the meal out, but when I saw your follow-up post where he sat and ate dinner while you had NOTHING because he wouldn't 'let' you order a takeaway my jaw dropped to the floor.

His notion that 'people with allergies just have to eat what's available', even if what's available is 'literally nothing' is doubly appalling when the only reason you have to avoid allergens at all is because she is feeding his newborn baby.

Seriously, does he have some kind of obsessive disorder? Because this is not normal or OK. Being anxious about being skint is one thing, but ... you aren't skint. He has absolutely no right to forbid you to buy yourself food that you can actually eat.

DH has now said that his concern is that my relatives will be uncomfortable with us spending a lot of money given the situation.
Given that your relatives have expressly asked you to foot this bill, & that they have paid for you frequently in the past - this is bullshit.

He's a lying tightwad.
Your update about him cheerfully denying you an evening meal while he ate in front of you is ... bonkers. Sad & bonkers.
How much more of his nonsense are you going to take OP?

What am I reading, I suggest you take a packed lunch and open it at the table. But seriously how does anybody think this is an acceptable way to treat their partner let alone one who is sustaining their baby!

What is the allergy that completely rules out most meals?

He said we couldn’t afford a takeaway and our local shop would’ve been closed by the time he got there (closes at 9 but won’t let anyone in after 8.45). So, he ate dinner and I didn’t

So you, being the sole provider of food for your child didn't have any dinner and he ate? I know you say you have a surplus of milk but that doesn't matter. It's important as a breastfeeding mum to have enough sustenance to give you the energy to keep on feeding your child.

He is incredibly selfish and being very controlling with the money. How much is the gift card for? If it's for just £20 or a similar low amount, I'd find a restaurant where you can also have a meal and not just nibbles, and if your husband complains say the choices are he also eats the nibbles with you at the gift card place or you can both have a meal at the other place.

It is a bit unfair of your family to expect you to foot the entire bill for a meal though, they should offer an amount, even a token amount. I hope they aren't big drinkers or likely to take the piss with what they order.

I’m guessing the chain is a pizza chain which sells only pizza and pasta, neither of which are gluten free.

Even most pizza chains have gluten free options these days though

I’d gladly agree to it if everyone else was happy to eat there and it would work out cheaper. 🤷‍♀️

I don't see how He's Being abusive or controlling personally when she has access to money

OP is a big girl with access to the accounts instead of being a martyr she should have just ordered the takeaway?

why do you even need to eat out? Why can't you cook a meal for them at home?

Your husband is an unpleasant knob.

I appreciate you may be below par at the minute , what with recently giving birth and having to restrict what you eat; but when you feel up to it , and given that you earn reasonable money, get those ducks in a row and ditch him.

I can't imagine what a number your husband has done on you to convince you that you can't get a takeaway even when you earn most of the money and you know full well you can afford it.

Just book the place for tomorrow, get a taxi there (or ask a friend for a lift, or get the bus etc) and leave him at home.

You'd agree to go somewhere where you could only eat Houmous and Olives?

This is NOT normal, and it is NOT ok.

Hell, i was in an abusive marriage with a controlling twat, but i'll give him his due, when our kids were small he ALWAYS made sure i had food, no matter how tight the money was.

You need to address this, its not his money, he doesn't get to tell you that you CANT order food for yourself, tell him to fuck off.. and if its because you are scared of his reaction if you go against what he's TOLD you, then you need to get out, asap, you're in an abusive marriage.

It’s a dairy and gluten allergy and an Italian chain.

We got the HelloFresh on an introductory offer so it only cost £17 for five meals for the two of us (and there’s usually enough for DS from that too) so I’m really not wasting money.

We can’t cook at home for them because they’d have to come far off their route to get to our house. They can’t contribute financially. They’re quite elderly and their sole bank account has had fraudulent transactions and been blocked by the bank so they only have a small amount of cash to access until it’s resolved. They’re using that almost entirely for fuel to get to his daughter’s wedding tomorrow (which is a long journey). They’re really not at fault here and are usually very generous. I know if we don’t buy them lunch then they’d simply not eat.

I don't see how He's Being abusive or controlling personally when she has access to money
You maybe don't understand how coercive control works.

OP is a big girl with access to the accounts instead of being a martyr she should have just ordered the takeaway?
Of course she has access - she has a full time job.
But her H must have been on the control & manipulation path for years, for her to accept that when he says "no food for you" she just ... knuckles down & accepts it.
It's not about being blocked from accounts of physically prevented from ordering food. It's about the long slow process of taking over another person's willpower that constitutes coercive control.

why do you even need to eat out? Why can't you cook a meal for them at home?
If you read OP's posts you will see that she has already answered this @sunsoutmumsout

Surely the restaurant offers gluten free pasta which you could have with a dairy free sauce?

You would agree when breastfeeding a small baby to go somewhere where you can only eat olives and hummus despite the fact that you can afford to go somewhere where you can eat a proper meal?

The OP sounds like she is in an abusive relationship. Just because you would martyr yourself for the sake of everyone else doesn't make it okay to encourage her to think this is normal.

OP,

I promise you oP if you rang the police and told them that you are a new mother breastfeeding a month old baby and your husband denied you food while he ate, you would have a knock on your door promptly.

This was a highly abusive thing to do.

You need to be very alert to this and do not hesitate to reach out and ring 101 for support.

This is NOT a good man.

@Rainflows

Why are you not answering why you are letting your oh dictate how you spend your money?

Down to not getting a takeaway because he said no then actually watching him cook for himself knowing you had nothing?

Can you not explain to your relatives the issue? It doesn’t sound like they’re dictating where you go for dinner so suggest going somewhere where you can actually eat. You really really need to push back with your DH. He is being incredibly unreasonable and unfair. If he insists on this place I’d insist he calls them in advance to ask if you can bring your own food because of the allergies or ask if they can make you something special. If he’s insisting on this restaurant then it’s his problem to resolve how you eat.

Have you checked with the restaurant?

He obviously doesn't give a shit whether she gets to eat or not though

Oh OP, this is awful.

He sounds abusive and you should get help, look up the freedom program and speak to woman's aid.

For this meal, in order to keep the peace while you sort yourself out phone the restaurant in advance and tell them of your allergies when you book a table (they often ask at the time of booking anyway) they will almost certainly be able to sort you a meal. It might not be exciting, probably salad with no dressing and some plain chicken or something, but it will be better than just olives and hummus.

Please speak to someone in real life about this, a friend or family member and make sure you tell your health visitor or midwife.

Honestly, if my pH had dared to cook for himself knowing I had nothing to eat and 'refused' to allow me to order a take away I would have set fire to his food.

And then chucked him out.